


The Love of an Angel

by Fanfiction_is_Literature



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, F/M, Fluff, Frick fracking, Homophobia, M/M, My First Fanfic, Self-Harm, lots of angst i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-02-21 00:21:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 97,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2448464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanfiction_is_Literature/pseuds/Fanfiction_is_Literature
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Same story: Dean loves his brother, gets in a bad place, Castiel pulls him out, and they fall in love despite complications.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sam Needs Help, Dean's a Big Brother

**Author's Note:**

> Castiel is not in this chapter but this is going to be a Destiel Fic. I just didn't want to bring him up right away :) Basically this is to build-up to him.

Dean woke up to hear the phone ringing. He sighed and rolled over on his bed to look at the ID that read “Sammy.”

“Mornin’ Sammy,” he yawned.

“Dean! Hi, I’m so sorry to wake you but I need some help,” Sam said frantically, causing Dean to hop out of bed and put on some pants.

“Sam what’s wrong?” He said fumbling to get his left leg through the correct hole.

“You’re not gonna like this but…” Sam drifted off rethinking his idea of calling his older brother.

“Dammit Sammy! What?” Dean asked impatiently. He heard Sam sigh from the other side of the phone.

“I started working at this strip club to make some money a while back okay? And I got into some trouble with one of the owners,” Sam said hesitantly.

“What kind of trouble?” was the quick reply.

“He wanted me to do things I’m not comfortable with and, well, it turns out that he’s got more going than just this strip joint and I’m being hunted by some pretty shady characters,” Sam gave up.

“Sammy,” Dean said shaking his head.

“I know Dean, and you can tell me off later but I need some help and seeing as you are skilled in things like this I was hoping you could help me out.” Sam said with a huff.

“Of course I’ll help you Sam. It’s what I’m here for,” Dean said in a softer tone.

“Thanks,” Sam replied almost as softly.

“Yea, come by my apartment and we’ll figure something out,” Dean said breaking the moment.

~

Sam came by the apartment that night, so as to be able to hide with more ease. When he got there, Dean gave him a fake ID and told him to leave the state until he called and said it was safe. He earned some reluctance from Sam saying that it was his mess and he wouldn’t have Dean getting too involved with these people because of him.

“Sam,” Dean said curtly.

“No Dean,” Sam replied getting angry.

“You came to me for a reason and I’ll handle this. There’s no reason for you to get even more involved and if this goes south, then I want you to be safe and not get caught in the cross-fire!” Dean yelled back.

“Dean, let me help. Please. I was trained just the same as you were, I can help!” Sam retorted.

“Sam you got away from this kind of thing, okay? You are staying out of it!” Dean stated firmly.

Sam looked down dejectedly. “Dean I didn’t want you to react this way, I just wanted help getting away from that creep.”

“Look, Sammy,” Dean said placing a hand on his little brother’s shoulder. “I want you to leave for a little bit, I will handle this with as much calm as anybody else. I need to do this for you, and it’s not over-reacting because I know the kind of people you got tangled with and this has to be done or you won’t be able to live your life. Besides, youre pretty out of shape I'm embarrassyou for you.”  
Dean replied with a smirk.

He looked at Sam for a second before moving to get the new identities that had been left on the table.

“Just think of it as a small road-trip or vacation or whatever you do. Hell, bring your books for all I care,” Dean said with a grin.

“Fine,” Sam replied with a suppressed grin.

“Atta boy,” Dean smiled with all his teeth this time. “I’ll be calling you back before you even have a chance to leave the state.”

Sam chuckled, unable to help it anymore, “Jerk.”

“Bitch,” Dean said with a lighthearted glow on his face.

  
After getting the directions to the strip-club, Dean sent Sam home to pack his things and decided to wait for the next day to check the place out.

~

The next day, after work at Bobby’s Savage Yard, Dean decided to go to the club and check things out. Oddly enough, when he got there, the large neon sign in the front of the building said “Welcome to Hell.”

“That couldn’t have been your first clue Sammy?” Dean said to himself, though obviously amused.

He walked in and was immediately struck by the color red. He looked around and saw that it looked like a normal strip club, except it wasn’t. Dudes. There were only dudes there. It was a gay strip-club. Dean has nothing against homosexuality, not like his father had had. He might even consider himself bi-curious, considering…

But Sammy never showed any signs of having interest in guys, but now that he thought about it, Sam hadn’t really seemed interested in anybody after his ex-fiancé Jess had died in a tragic car accident 2 years ago. Either way, Dean couldn’t explain why Sam would choose to work in this strip-club, or any strip-club for that matter, because he knew that Sammy was a smart person that could easily get a job anyplace better than here. Hell. 

“Can I help you, gorgeous?” a young man wearing only a pair of satiny red briefs asked Dean with a sultry voice.

“Um. Uh. Yea. I think. Do you, uhm, know where I can find Azazel?” Dean stuttered, forcing himself to make eye-contact.

“Azazel?” The man looked taken aback. “What do you want with him?"

“Just wanna talk some business,” Dean said coyly, having regained himself to professionalism. “Wanna talk about any job openings he has, and seeing as he is one of the owners, I’d prefer to talk to him direct.”

“Alright, well we might have a job opening,” the young man responded looking down. “One of our strippers just went M.I.A. and the position is empty for now.”

“Awesome,” Dean said with a smile. “So where can I find Azazel?”

“Check the private rooms, most likely he’s in the last door to the left,” he was answered and the young man went about his business.

Dean went through a small hall with about 6 rooms and knocked on the correct door when he found it. An older looking man opened it and the first thing Dean noticed was yellow eyes.

“Woah,” slipped out of his mouth before he could check it.

“Oh, sorry about that, I always forget to take these contacts out after a show,” the older man responded with a charming smile

“I was told I could find Azazel in here?” Dean said lifting the last word as a question.

“That’s me,” Azazel replied. “What can I do for ya?”

“It’s about Sammy,” Dean said, face stony and professional.

“Ah, Sam. Got me a lot of business that one,” Azazel’s smile turning dark. “Too bad he hasn’t been showing up around here lately. Don’t know where I can find him do you?”

“Even if I did, he’s out,” Dean said sternly. “He’s not coming back and I want you to call your dogs off of him or I’m gonna have to do something rash. Trust me, you don’t want that to happen.”

“Sorry kid, Sam works here until I say he doesn’t, end of story.” Azazel said with a fake smile.

“NO,” Dean said losing control of some of his temper. “Sam is out. Done. Just like that. No questions asked because he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He quits.”

Azazel’s smile grew, making Dean’s stomach turn, “You got balls kid. Sadly, it doesn’t matter much because I already got Sam on my radar and it’s just a matter of time before I find him. I suggest you leave well enough alone and I will forget any of this happened.”

“Listen here you sonofabitch,” Dean said, face twitching as he resisted the urge to punch the creep standing in front of him.

“You let him walk away or so help me God I will end you. I will end everything, including your little drug business on the side.”

Azazel’s smile fell into a quick rush of anger. “You think you can come here and tell me what to do? You think you can threaten me in my own place of business?”

Next thing Dean knew, he was surrounded by 5 burly men and his hands were held behind his back.  
Azazel stepped close to Dean, putting his face right in front of Dean’s.

“I’ll tell you what,” he started. “I’ll let Sammy go, but his position needs to be filled. You love him enough to take his place in ‘Hell’ kid?”

“Yes,” Dean said automatically. “I’ll take his place but you leave Sam alone forever.”

Azazel chuckled and motioned to his guards to let Dean go. He walked over to his desk and pulled out a piece of paper.

“I want you to sign this contract,” he said to Dean. “You belong to the club now, 5 years and whatever we want you to do.”

Dean looked at the paper hesitantly. He read it to make sure that Sam would be left alone, also to check if it was legal. It was. “A pen?” he asked annoyed. Azazel held one out for him and Dean quickly signed the contract.  
“You can leave now but I want you back here tomorrow, 9pm,” Azazel said picking up the paper and putting it in a safe. The guards moved to stand aside.

"I'm gonna have people watching you while you're here," Azazel said with a smile as Dean was exiting the room.

Dean left the building feeling like he’d sold his soul to the devil, but Sammy was safe, and that is all that matters.

~

“You cleared it up? I'm safe to come back?” Sam said ecstatic over the phone.

‘Of course I did,” Dean said chuckling over the phone. “I told you I would and you can come back and freak me out with all your nerdness again.”

“How? Wait, did you kill anyone?” there was caution in Sam’s tone.

Dean rolled his eyes, “No Sam, I didn’t kill anyone. Not yet. But if they bother you again, I will.”

Sam detected the seriousness in Dean’s tone, despite the flippancy with which Dean had responded.

“Alright well this is great! I didn’t know for sure how deep I was and I thought I’d be stuck there forever,” Sam responded. “Thank you Dean. You’re friggin’ awesome man.”

Dean smiled at the phone. It was worth it. It was all worth it. He could handle himself and anyone else who tried to mess with him. Sammy was happy and, despite being stuck in another place he would rather not be in, Dean could breathe easy for it.

Little does Dean know, it's called "HELL" for a reason...


	2. A Year in Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, Dean's time in Hell. Then he meets a certain blue-eyed man in a trench coat ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than the first and I worked really hard on it :) I hope you guys like it and please leave comments

Dean walked back to “Hell” again the next day. He decided he’d rather leave his car at Bobby’s so that his Baby wouldn’t get trashed.

“You came back,” Azazel smiled as soon as Dean walked through the door. 

“Of course I did,” Dean sighed. “We had an agreement and I’m here to keep my end.”

“You’re on time too,” Azazel said turning around and taking out a pair of satiny red briefs like the ones the other workers were wearing.

“Yea, now what do you want me to do?” Dean asked impatiently.

Azazel turned around and gave Dean a smirk. 

“Put these on,” he answered holding out the briefs.

“Sure thing,” Dean said calmly while snatching them away.

“I got somebody waiting for you in room 3, he’ll be coaching you and making sure you do what you’re supposed to. Do everything he says or I send my hellhounds after your “Sammy,” Azazel threatened, walking away to talk to someone else.

~

After Dean changed into his new work attire, he went to room 3. It was a small room, with red and black walls and bed facing the door with “Enjoy Hell” written in black on the red comforter. He waited for about 5 minutes before a man wearing a black shirt and suit came in with a red tie. 

“Hello Dean,” a nasally voice said, accompanied by a suspicious smile. 

“Hey, I was told to wait in here,” Dean said trying to make himself feel big despite his exposed position.

“Yes, I know,” the man said. “I’m here to help train you. You can call me Alastair.”

“Alastair,” Dean scoffed. “What’s with the names around here?”

Alastair chuckled. “They’re not our real names Dean,” he explained. “They are show names. You think people expect a stripper working in a place called ‘Hell’ to be called Albert?”

“Well, no I guess not,” Dean said confused. “What’s Azazel’s real name?”

Alastair sighed, “I can’t go around giving the personal information of our bosses to someone who’s only here because they don’t want their little brother to, now can I?”

“Alright whatever,” Dean said. “Now what kind of training does a stripper even need?”

Alastair’s smile went dark. “A normal stripper might need to know how to give a lap-dance, maybe even learn to work a pole,” he said. “’Hell’ is different. You need to know a couple of other things to work here too, at least you do. Considering you already agreed to do whatever I tell you to.”

~

After a year of working in “Hell,” Dean was already pretty familiar with the kind of shady crap that was going on. Turned out that they would pickpocket from their average costumers, but the worst things they did was to the regulars. Masochists that usually came around and asked for “The Rack,” a special order of tortures that brought them to the brink of death, only to be brought back by the club’s doctor. 

“You’ll learn to enjoy it,” Alastair had said to Dean when he was given his first “customer.” 

The words had made him scoff. He had done bad things before but he never enjoyed them unless it had been to keep someone innocent safe, and even then, he felt terrible. Now though, he hated himself, even more than before, for eagerly waiting out the day until he could go back to “Hell” at night and rip and burn the flesh off of some idiot that got his rocks off on it. 

He learned that not everyone was as interested in being brought so close to death. Most people just wanted a light choking and maybe a few cuts. But Dean hardly cared anymore, they had signed their consent forms and he worked them like the worst of them. He learned to laugh at the screams instead of covering his ears. He would get a towel and soak it in their blood only to gag them with it. He came up with new tortures aside from the ones Alastair had taught him. He stopped talking to Sam, he quit his job at Bobby’s, and he started hurting himself. 

One day, when he came with a particularly deep cut on his arm, Alastair got angry and told Dean that if he wanted to be hurt, then he should come to a professional. He tied Dean up and worked him over like he would a customer. Dean held in his screams until he no longer could. That was when a young man walked into the room and screamed, “What are you doing to him?”

Dean could barely see anything because his eyes were blurred with tears. He could faintly make out a tall man with dark hair. He was wearing a tan coat despite the room being over 100 degrees and he had a look of shock, anger, and something Dean could only describe as righteousness. 

“He asked for this, this is what he wants,” Alastair said calmly, but Dean knew him enough by now to know that he had been surprised by the intrusion. 

“Did he? Really?” The man asked incredulous. “Where is there a letter saying he wants to be tortured? Where is your proof?”

Dean was starting to pass out, the vinegar that Alastair had poured on his cuts burning him and causing his body to try their best at shutting out the pain. The last thing he saw was Alastair pretending to reach for a paper then attacking Dean's would-be savior.

~

Dean woke up with his wounds already tended to. His eyes were still puffy and his vision blurred, but he could tell that he had been taken to an actual hospital. He looked around and found that he was alone, the only noise he could hear was the beeping of the machines.  
He could barely remember what had happened or why he was here. He remembered Alastair torturing him, but Alastair wouldn’t take him to the hospital. If Dean had died, he would’ve covered it up.

Then he remembered. A young man walking in to see what happened. Alastair feeling threatened and turning to hurt the man with the knife he had been using on Dean. But how did he get here? Why would anyone want to help him? A stranger. Someone who had hurt people and reveled in it. More importantly: was his savior hurt in any way? 

The questions gave him a headache. He upped the morphine and went to sleep again, having drug-induced dreams of a curious figure in a tan trench coat with large white wings, charred with black as though they’d been burned, carrying an unsightly broken creature from a dark place with one hand, and burning the other creatures clawing at it with a bright light with the other. Although a gruesome dream, accurate with the memories of torture that Dean had, he somehow felt at peace there. “Angel” Dean thought. “It’s an angel.”

~

When Dean woke up again, he decided he felt better and could leave. He unplugged himself from the monitor and looked for his clothing. 

“Right,” he mumbled remembering that Alastair had stripped him to his satiny red briefs for the torture. He left the room in the hospital gown and looked for a room with sleeping patients. It was night again, or maybe it still was? Either way, Dean found some clothing that fit him somewhat tightly and he walked out somewhat secretly.

He went to his apartment to change into clothing that actually fit him. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say when he went back to work, but he knew he had to. He had signed a contract. He had to keep Sammy safe. Just as the thoughts ran through his head he remembered he didn’t have his phone. He gathered his courage and put his jacket on, deciding to go back to “Hell” and get his things. 

As he was waiting for the elevator, he thought about his “Baby,” he hadn’t used her since he quit his job at the salvage yard and she needed to be taken out for a spin. “I’ll take her out after I get my phone back.”

He got to the club but he noticed it was surrounded by police cars. He saw everyone being arrested and a cop coming out with the club’s usual  
torture weapons with which Dean was all too familiar with. 

“Shit, my things,” Dean panicked. He got closer to a cop car and saw a plastic bag marked "evidence" in the passenger seat. It had Dean’s things and a few things that weren’t. He grabbed his phone and other small things out of the bag after glancing around to see if anyone would catch him, he closed the bag carefully and ran. 

“Bobby I know it’s been a while but can I come around to see you?” Dean asked over the phone trying to hide the panic in his voice after getting a block or two away from the danger zone.

“Dean? Is that really you?” Bobby asked. Dean could always count on him. He was glad.

“Yea Bobby, really me,” Dean said, having calmed down at the mere sound of his father-figure’s Wyoming accent.

“Well come around son! It’d be great to see you,” Dean could hear the smile in Bobby’s voice.

“Thanks Bobby,” Dean said before he hung up the phone.

~

“Gee, where have you been?” Bobby said once Dean drove up to the old house next to his old work place. “You just told me you probably wouldn’t be coming around here anymore and up and left.”

Dean could feel the guilt eating away at him. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to take it all back. He wished the past year hadn’t happened.

“I was in a bad place,” Dean wanted to tell him everything. “I got mixed up with some people and the situation got out of control. I just-”  
Dean looked down quickly, trying to hold in his tears. He didn’t have a right to cry. Not after everything he’d done. He felt Bobby put a hand on his shoulder.

Bobby gave him a reassuring smile, “it’s okay son.”

“It’s not, it’s really really not,” Dean said moving away. Next thing he knew he was wrapped in a hug. Dean closed his eyes and focused on it. Nothing mattered except this. He was with someone who he felt safe with.

Bobby released him and sighed, Dean could see confusion in the old man’s eyes, but he also saw joy.

“You don’t need to tell me what happened if you ain’t comfortable with it yet,” Bobby said.

“Yea, thanks,” Dean responded, getting a grip of himself and breathing in. “So where’s Sammy? He been around here?”

Bobby looked down, “nope. I guess he didn’t really think of a reason to with you not bein’ here and all.”

“So what’s he doing now?” Dean asked.

“Well, he passed his bar exam but the boy’s been lookin’ real weird,” Bobby’s eyes narrowed and he nodded his head at Dean, unsure of how to word it.

“Weird how?” Dean asked with intensity probably not necessary.

Bobby sighed, “Well he’s not been practicing his lawyering. He’s been hittin’ the gym and doing all kinds of training your old man taught you two.”

“Dammit Sam,” Dean said to the wind. “I know what he’s been doing and I’m gonna have to take care of it again.” Exasperated, Dean turned around and rubbed a hand on his face.

“He’s probably by his apartment about now if you wanna talk to him,” Bobby said helpfully.

“Yea,” Dean said running his hands on his face. “I need to talk to him. Thanks Bobby.”

“Sure thing,” Bobby replied.

Dean nodded at Bobby a good-bye and got in his “baby” and left.

~

When Dean showed up to the apartment, he knocked on the door. Sam opened it with a surprised face.

“Dean?” Sam said with a smile, despite his tired eyes.

“Heya Sammy,” Dean glowed at him. A year in that terrible place and it was worth it, just to see Sam safe and with a law degree.

“Dean, what are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in months, maybe even a year,” Sam said stepping aside to let Dean walk in.

“Well, I heard you’re an official lawyer now and I had to stop by and say congratulations,” Dean quipped with a toothy grin.

“Yea, the time for that might’ve been 4 months ago,” Sam said with an incredulous smile as he observed his brother.

“I’ve been busy,” Dean said carefully. “What about you, have you been busy?”

“Well yea,” Sam said sitting on a chair in the kitchen and motioning for Dean to sit down. “After you disappeared on me and I found out you were working in the same place you had supposedly gotten me out of, I looked for a way to return the favor without the same method.”

Dean took in Sam’s upset face. “Yea and I bet you found it didn’t you? Well guess what? The cops take one look at my record and they are gonna send me to friggin’ jail. You shouldn’t have called ‘em,” Dean said annoyed.

Sam scoffed, “Dean, I didn’t call anyone. I tried to make a deal to get you out but Azazel had been murdered and Alastair didn’t want to let you go. Called you his ‘star pupil,’ whatever the hell that means.”

Dean remembered when he murdered Azazel. He’d threatened to pull Sam back and started saying that Dean was losing control. Truth is: Dean had lost control and the thought had turned him murderous. It felt good to kill that creepy son of a bitch and he knew Alastair would help him cover it up since he wasn’t too keen on listening to Azazel either. Still, Dean knew it probably hadn’t been the best idea, but damn it felt good.

“Oh,” was all Dean could say.

“‘Oh’?” Sam scoffed. “Dean what the hell happened?”

“Don’t worry about it, I just need to cover some tracks is all,” Dean said looking down thoughtfully. “I need to find someone.”

“Sure,” Sam said standing up. “We can go to Bobby’s. If there’s anyone that can find anyone, it’s him.”

“Yea, about that,” Dean said as he stood up. “Why haven’t you been going to see him lately?”

Sam chuckled mockingly, “Dean you were M.I.A. for almost a year and you’re gonna judge me about this?”

“Not judgin’ you Sammy, just wondering,” Dean said as he opened the door to leave. “Ya comin’?”

“Yea, I’m coming,” Sam replied with a soft smile. “One thing?”

“Yea?” Dean said slightly annoyed as he turned around to face Sam with a bitch-face. Sam didn’t see, because he wrapped his long arms around Dean and held him tightly. Dean could do nothing except react and hold his Sammy close to him.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Sam said softly as he let go of a happy, albeit surprised, Dean. Sam walked out the door and Dean followed after locking the apartment. 

~

“Let me see if I got this right,” Bobby said once they had all walked into his living room. “You want to find this person whose name you don’t know, you don’t remember what he looks like, and have no idea where he could be?” 

“Uh, yea,” Dean said realizing the predicament.

“Well then I suggest you start at the hospital and find out who brought you in,” Bobby said.

Dean had told Sam and Bobby vaguely about what had happened, but he left out the torture and instead said that he had been “badly beat up.”

“That’s as good a place as any I guess,” Dean said standing straight from the wall he had been leaning on.

“Yea, I’ll go with you if you want,” Sam said with a smile.

“Okay, sure Sammy,” Dean replied. He didn’t really want Sam to go, but he knew Sam just didn’t want to lose sight of him again after so long, at least not so soon.

~

When they reached the receptionist, they were greeted by an attractive, dark haired lady wearing some dark purple scrubs and sitting lazily in her chair. Dean noticed her name-tag read “Pamela.”

“Hi there Pamela,” he said with a charming smile.

“Hiya,” She replied with a flirty smile. Dean could hear Sam scoff quietly next to him.

“I was brought here earlier. I’m probably a John Doe that went missing?” Dean went straight to the business at hand.

“Yea, what room?” She responded, still flirting but doing her job.

“I’m not sure but it was on the 4th floor,” Dean said. “I probably showed up with some uh, cuts and burns.”

He turned to glance at Sam, who looked back at him confused and like he was gonna ask a butt-load of questions later.

“Oh my God,” Pamela said, face falling. “You’re him. You weren’t supposed to just leave like that. You were clinically dead for 2 minutes! You showed up with all kinds of bruises and cuts and some pretty nasty burns, some of them looked pretty old like you’d been abused for a while. Oh my God, the man who brought you here was worried sick and he stayed by your bed most of the time. When you went missing he practically threw a tantrum and had to be escorted out by security! The cops wanted to talk to you when you woke up too, but he wouldn’t let them. He said you needed rest and it was a traumatizing experience what you went through. He said he found you bound and tortured!”

Sam looked angry and betrayed now, obviously realizing that Dean had lied to him. “Dean, what the hell?” He practically yelled. “You made it sound like you’d just gotten into another fight but it turns out you were friggin’ tied up!”

“It’s not that big a deal Sam,” Dean sighed.

“‘Not that big a deal’? You were CLINICALLY DEAD!” Sam was making a lot of noise and Dean still hadn’t gotten the information he came for.

“We can talk about this later,” Dean said to Sam. Sam turned around obviously angry but he held his tongue. 

“Where is the guy that brought me in?” Dean asked Pamela.

“I’m not sure, but I think he went to the police station,” She replied. “He gave me his number to call if you came by again. We were pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to make it out the door though, and yet you seem pretty okay for all the damage done. Anyway, we were sure you’d come back in an ambulance.”

“Yea, great,” Dean said ignoring the last part. “Can you call him? I’d like to speak with him, thank him, you know?”  
“Yea,” She replied with a smile. “I’ll call him right now. He took good care of you before you got here, he used some first aid to stop some of the bleeding and tended to some burns.”

She started dialing and Dean felt a sense of awe wash over him as she told him about how well as stranger had taken care of him.

Dean moved to speak with a very pissed-off Sam as she made the call.

“Sammy, you gotta calm down, I’m fine, see?” Dean started.

“No, you’re not fine and it’s my fault Dean,” Sam replied guilty and angry. “You got dragged down into that shit hole because of ME. You got hurt and friggin’ died for 2 minutes, because of ME. You might get arrested and sent to prison for life, because of ME. So don’t tell me you’re fine, because, Dean, what she said does not sound like you are fine. How can you even act so normal after that?”

“Because it’s worth it Sammy,” Dean sighed. “I did it so that you would be safe and rather me than you okay? Because it’s my job to look after you and I did it. Don’t blame yourself because it’s not you, it was my choice and you didn’t force anything. Anything that happened is on me, don’t blame yourself. I’m the one who fucked up.”

Sam stared in disbelief at his brother. Could he really be this way? Did he really feel like it was his only job in the world to clean up Sammy’s messes? Dean is his brother and he’s awesome, and he loves him, but he couldn’t be okay. Sam doesn’t buy it.

“He’s on his way here,” Pamela called over to Dean.

“Thank you so much, really, and if you could just not tell anyone else I’m here? I seriously feel fine,” Dean said.

Pamela gave him a small smile, no flirtation behind it this time, she lowered her voice so that Sam wouldn’t hear her, “maybe physically hun, but I know you’re all torn up inside, I can see past your convincing smile.”

Dean stared at her for a moment and let his smile fall. He looked at her quizzically and nodded at her.

“I’m somewhat of a psychic,” she winked back at him, breaking their moment of understanding when Sam got closer.

“What?” Sam looked between the two of them.

“Nothing Sammy, just grown up people stuff,” he elbowed his little brother and turned him around to wait in a chair, but he turned around to give Pamela a small smile and another nod.

~

Pamela didn’t need to tell Dean when his rescuer came in. Walking like he was on a mission and the same righteousness Dean vaguely remembered, radiating off of him like he was the sun. Dean took in all that he could, he saw the messy dark hair of a man who had stayed by his bed all night, a dirty, crumpled, tan trench coat that he had probably used as a pillow, and despite not being able to see the man’s figure completely, he could tell the man was well-built and tall too. 

He saw the man look at him with recognition and he walked up to Dean without hesitance, hardly noticing Sam and in the blink of an eye, he was standing in front of Dean and staring at him with curiosity and worry with the bluest eyes that Dean had ever seen. There was something fierce in those eyes and Dean struggled to hold the man’s gaze.

“Who are you?” Dean asked when he felt the silence had stretched too long.

“I’m Castiel,” he responded with a nice deep voice that surprised Dean. “I found you, you were being hurt. The doctors said you were barely alive, you shouldn’t have been conscious when I saved you.”

Dean could hear Sam cough lightly, and he knew how close Castiel was, he could faintly feel the man’s breath on his face, it was uncomfortably comfortable, and Dean didn’t feel the need to pull away.

“Thanks for that,” Dean’s voice cracked. He cleared it and stepped back, somewhat feeling like he lost something as he turned to look at Sam. “My name is Dean, and this is my brother Sam.”

Castiel nodded his head at Sam once, “Hello Sam,” he replied quickly but kindly before turning back to look at Dean.

“It’s good to see you awake, Dean,” Castiel said, saying Dean’s name with a reverence Dean didn’t think it deserved. He twitched a smile at Castiel.

“Yea well, it’s real nice to meet you,” Dean said awkwardly. 

“Yes, despite the circumstances it is nice to make your acquaintance as well,” Castiel replied with a small smile, meant only for Dean and made Dean’s heart pound harder than ever before. He regained himself as he breathed in.

“How about I buy you some coffee and you can tell me how much I owe you for the hospital bill,” Dean offered with a smile.  
Castiel frowned at Dean then, “you owe me nothing Dean, I have taken you under my wing. The hospital bill is not your concern.” Dean noticed Castiel look down when he said that, and for some strange reason a hint of pink reached the other man’s cheeks.

“I just mean, I have taken care of it, you need not worry about any payments, but I would, however, like to take you up on your offer of caffeine” Castiel stumbled out. Dean found it odd, the man seemed so well put together and Dean hadn’t thought he’d said anything wrong.

“Umm, thanks I guess,” Dean replied, unsure of what to say. He turned to Sam, “Hey Sam, could you get me a snack or something from the vending machine?”

“Dean, you can get it yourself,” Sam retorted with a bitch-face.

“C’mon Sammy, if I can’t get my little brother to get me a snack after almost dying, what’s the point?” Dean prodded. 

“You did die,” Castiel chipped in.

“Yea, well he didn’t stay that way,” Sam said jokingly.

“Just get me a snack c’mon,” Dean said pushing Sammy slightly towards the cafeteria. 

Sam huffed but kept walking as he shook his head, “fine, jerk.”

“Bitch!” Dean yelled after him.

He turned to look at Castiel who seemed amused by their banter. 

“Let’s go get that coffee,” Dean told him.

“But your brother?” Castiel asked squinting at Dean.

“He’ll be fine, I wanna talk to you,” Dean said assuring.

“Alright,” Castiel replied as he followed after Dean.

They walked to Dean’s car and he ran his hand over her roof with a caress until he reached the driver’s side.

“What do ya think?” He asked lightly. “She’s a beauty ain’t she? 1967 Chevy Impala 4 door hardtop.”

“It is a very nice looking car Dean,” Castiel said with a smile.

“Aw, she’s more than just a car Cas, this here’s my baby,” Dean smiled and he turned to look at Castiel. 

Castiel was staring at him with amusement and confusion.

“Sorry, I meant Castiel,” Dean muttered quickly.

“I understand, ‘Cas’ is a shortened version of my name,” Castiel replied with a toothy smile that made Dean’s mind go blank for a full 10 seconds. 

“Uh, yea,” Dean stuttered out. He turned on the car and started driving just to have something to do. “Just curious, but what kind of name is Castiel anyways?”

Castiel looked down, the pink returning to his cheeks, “It’s the angel of Thursday.”

Dean didn’t understand why he was so embarrassed about it.

“Cool, so why are you blushing?” Dean said before he even registered that calling someone you just met out on blushing was probably inappropriate. 

“You don’t remember?” Castiel asked, serious but bashful.

“Remember what?” Dean said defensively curious.

“I’m not sure you would be comfortable if I told you,” Castiel replied in a low voice.

“Just tell me, I’m a grown man, I can take it,” Dean said with a smile to try and put Cas at ease.

Castiel fumbled with his buttons as he looked down.

“I was by your side every moment they would let me,” Cas started. “I wanted to make sure you were okay and I didn’t have work so I stayed and I watched you. You didn’t have your phone so you didn’t have an emergency contact and I didn’t think you would want to be alone after what happened.” Castiel looked up at Dean and Dean realized he hadn’t exactly been paying attention to the road. 

Dean noticed the coffee shop and made the turn as Castiel breathed in and continued.

“Sometimes, you would regain consciousness, slightly, and you looked at me, every time, you whispered ‘my Angel,’ and you would smile softly, just before falling back to sleep,” Castiel said lightly.

Dean’s hands clutched the wheel tightly at that but Castiel seemed unfazed by it, simply turning to stare out the window with an unreadable expression. They sat in silence as Dean found a spot in the parking lot and stopped the car. Cas didn’t move to exit, he simply stared at Dean quizzically waiting for Dean to get out first. Dean breathed in shakily and opened his door. Cas opened his then too and they stood up and stared at each other from where they got out.

“So coffee then?” Dean asked Cas just to break the silence. Castiel smiled softly and nodded to him. He walked around the car and walked next to Dean as they entered the small café. 

Dean felt pretty comfortable having Cas there, despite the awkward revelation. Dean’s dream made sense then. Castiel was his angel, literally saving him from a place called “Hell.” Dean thought he just might love Cas for that. Platonically of course, like a friend, he loved all his friends. He hoped Cas might be a member of his small family, and it wasn’t terribly hopeless, Castiel didn’t seem to be in a rush to go away. Maybe Dean might keep his angel after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's kinda cheesy and stuff, but bare with me? I don't want to write a bunch of angst or fluff, maybe write this to be someplace in between :)


	3. The Universe Has A Funny Way Of Messing With Dean Winchester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel, their blooming relationship. Sam is good brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE LEAVE ME COMMENTS ON HOW YOU GUYS LIKE IT BECAUSE I'M DYING HERE

After ordering their plain black coffees, Dean and Cas sat at an empty table next to the window. Dean could still feel Castiel’s gaze on him as he sipped from his hot cup. 

“So I went by the club earlier,” Dean started. This was what he had wanted to talk about so he might as well get it out of the way.

“Why would you do that?” Castiel inquired, slightly upset.

“Because I worked there and my things had been left there,” Dean explained.

“Oh,” Castiel replied looking down.  
“You did know I work there right?” Dean asked, tilting his head closer to Cas and trying to make eye contact again.

“Yes, of course I did Dean,” Castiel looked blankly at Dean and straitened his shoulders. “I noticed the attire that the club uses, but I might have expected that you would not want to return there after what happened. You almost died and I can’t think of a reason why anyone would return to that establishment after something so terrible.”

Dean flushed red thinking of what he had been wearing when Castiel found him. “Yea well I needed to get my things,” He said simply. “Thank you, for saving me Cas, really. But you called the police and I know you had the best intentions but when they find out about me working there, I’m gonna be running for the rest of my life.”

Castiel made a face of confusion as he tilted his head to the side, “why would you need to run?”

Dean shook his head as he looked down, “because I’ve done some pretty shady things and… the treatment I’d get in prison? I’d be better off dead.”

“What things Dean?” Castiel reached his hand over to Dean’s wrist. The warmth of Castiel's hand clawing away at Dean's walls. It was frightening and when Dean brought himself to look at Cas, he didn’t see anger, only curiosity and wonder.

“I can’t tell you Cas, it’s better you don’t know,” Dean said drawing his hand away gently.

“Is it because of what you did in the club?” Castiel’s eyes were tender as he kept his gaze on Dean.

Dean let out a shaky breath and softly replied, “What do you know about it?”

“I know enough Dean, it’s why I was there,” Castiel said as he reached to drink his cooled coffee.

Dean’s head shot up, “What do you mean it’s why you were there?”

“My brother Michael heard about what was happening at the club,” Cas started. “He got extremely curious when he heard that Azazel had recruited a man with previous experience in killing and he sent someone to observe for a while. When my brother got inebriated at a family party, he pulled me aside and informed me of the situation. I know that you took your brother’s place there, except Azazel had no interest in you so he gave you to Alastair. I know what he made you do Dean but it’s not your fault.”

Dean stared at Castiel for a long time then, different emotions passing through him, anger, guilt, confusion, awe, wonder. How was it that someone knew everything going on in that wretched place and didn’t do anything about it?

“Of course it’s my fault Cas!” was the first thing Dean managed to say. “I’m the one that got involved, I signed a contract and even though Alastair might have made me do things at first, I liked it. Fuck, I loved tearing away at clear skin. I loved hearing them scream and beg me stop as they squirmed.”

“STOP IT!” Castiel demanded. 

He hadn’t said it loud but Dean looked around to see if anyone was looking at them. When he saw that nobody was, he buried his face in his hands.

“Why did you tell me that?” Castiel asked, not harshly, but not as gently as before.

“Because you should know what you rescued,” Dean mumbled not looking up.

“Dean,” Castiel reached over to remove Dean’s hands and look into Dean’s eyes again. 

“Who I saved was a young man that traded his life and reputation because he loves his brother,” Castiel looked at Dean with sadness. “I know how broken you think you are. I saw the way you are with Sam and that is why, despite your reputation, I got into your car and didn’t ask where we were going. Dean, you are a good man, you deserve to be saved.”

Dean couldn’t bare it any longer. He chuckled incredulously and got up as he shook his head, walking out the door away from Castiel. Cas followed him though, silently and waited for Dean to say something. Dean didn’t say anything until they reached his car. 

“You don’t even know me,” Dean said defeated, still trying to push Castiel away. He wanted Cas to be part of his family but he couldn’t burden him like that. “All you know is what people say about me, you don’t know, Cas. You don’t know.”

“Then let me see for myself. Let me get to know you,” Castiel said, looking at Dean with pleading eyes.

“You don’t want to! You don’t need to, Cas. Thank you for your help but I’m okay and your work here is done.” Dean replied, avoiding Castiel’s stare and getting into his car.

“You’re not okay, Dean.” was all Castiel responded when he sat down on the passenger seat.

~

After they got back to the hospital and Dean dropped off Castiel and picked up a disgruntled Sam, he drove Sam back to his apartment. Sam bitched the whole car ride about running off with handsome rescuers and leaving his brother alone with a handful of snacks and no ride. Sam ate the snacks loudly next to Dean out of spite and told Dean it wasn’t appropriate to use someone that had helped him out, especially after something as terrible as torture, as a fuck-buddy. Dean filtered the sound in his head, not even turning on his usual loud music to tune Sammy out.

“What makes you so sure I screwed the guy?” Dean spat out angrily when they reached the apartments’ parking lot.

“I don’t think you did, but I’m just saying that you shouldn’t.” Sam retorted.

“Yea well don’t worry Sam, I’m never gonna see him again.” Dean said parking the car in an empty spot.

“What? Dean, why the hell not?” Sam asked annoyed.

“Because there’s no reason to.” Dean replied frustrated. “He saved me, I thanked him, I took him to get some coffee, and we went our separate ways. I’m not gonna ask him to stick around so I can ruin his life.”

“Dean, I saw the way you two looked at each other, and he stayed and watched over you to make sure you were okay.” Sam said trying to make Dean understand. “Dude, he wants to be here.”

“I’m not interested in him that way, and even if I was, and I’m not saying I am, it doesn’t matter.” Dean sighed, “never gonna see him again.”

Sam took a minute to stare at Dean who was focusing on staring out the window. He sighed and opened the door before stepping out. “You can’t keep it all bottled in Dean, you’re gonna explode.”

As Dean watched Sammy walk up the stairs to his apartment, he whispered, “Watch me.”

~

The next day, Dean went back to get his old job at Bobby’s. 

“I could use all the help I can get,” Bobby had replied with a smile.

“Thanks Bobby,” Dean said as he got to work on an old junker.

Sam came by later to have a lunch with Dean. After a year of not seeing his brother, he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to keep a close eye on him, especially since Dean tried to act as if nothing had happened. Sam was going to be there when Dean broke, and he was going to help Dean through it. For now, all he had to do was help Dean cover up his time at the club and be there for him.

“Sam I’m okay.” Dean constantly told him.

“Yea, well I just want to be here for you in case you aren’t.” Sam would respond.

Two months later, they got into a heated argument about Dean being okay and needing to vent.

“Sam, I swear to God, you ask me if I’m okay one more friggin’ time and I’m gonna end up hurting you.” Dean threatened. “You want me to be okay? Well guess what? I’m okay!”

“You’re not okay Dean!” Sam yelled back. “You got into some serious crap there. And if that weren’t enough, you’ve been moping and you won’t even tell me about what.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Sam just let it go.”

“Dean you haven’t laughed or even smiled genuinely in 2 months.” Sam interjected.

“Maybe because my pain-in-the-ass little brother keeps asking me if I’m okay when I’M OKAY.” Dean moved to get a beer from the cooler next to the car he was working on.

“You’ve been drinking, and I know you don’t get drunk but still Dean, you have to talk about it.” Sam protested as he yanked the bottle from Dean’s hand.

Dean rolled his eyes. “Don’t you have a job, or something to do other than bother me?”

“I can’t work yet.” Sam looked down, eyes passing through the ground to avoid looking at Dean.

Dean stood still as he crossed his arms. “Why the hell not? You passed your bar-exam or whatever right?”

“Yea but…” Sam turned to look at the old house next to the junk yard. “I got a call about a week ago. They want me to retake it. They said I passed with an unbelievably high score and they think I cheated.”

Dean scoffed. “They think you cheated? Dude you don’t even cheat at friggin’ monopoly.”

“Yea well, I have to schedule to retake it.” Sam looked up at Dean.

“What the hell are you waiting for? Go retake it and show them they’re wrong and that you’re a friggin protégé.” Dean uncrossed his arms to extend them questioningly for emphasis.

“It’s been 2 months since you got away from "hell" and covered your tracks Dean.” Sam turned to look at his brother seriously. “You haven’t snapped. I don’t know why, or how, but you haven’t yet and if you do? And I’m not there? That’s gonna be on me.”

Dean walked up to his little Sammy. “You need to retake that test. I’ll go with you if it’ll make you feel better okay? I’m sure Bobby can give me a day off.”

Sam gave Dean a small smile and nodded his head. “Thanks Dean, that’d be great.”

~

Sam scheduled to retake it, and they took Dean’s car, because there was no way in Hell that Dean was going to leave his Baby parked alone again. 

“Well that wasn’t a bad drive.” Dean quipped with a small smile.

“Dude, if I listen to one more song by AC/DC I am going to kill you.” Sam retorted with a strong bitch-face.

“It wasn’t even a full album, it was like 5 songs!” Dean called after a fuming Sammy.

“I’d forgotten how you could make the shortest car rides feel like forever.” Sammy replied.

Dean looked around the large campus. It had been years since he’d been back at Stanford. 

“Remember when I dropped you off for your first day?” Dean asked reminiscently.

Sam smiled at that. “Yea, I remember how pissed Dad got about it too.”

“I knew you’d do great.” Dean said more to himself, but Sam heard him and turned to see a small smile creeping on his big brother’s face. 

They walked around the campus. They had gotten there really early because Dean wasn’t going to let Sam “chicken out” of it.

“Alright well my retake is in like 10 minutes and it’s gonna be like 8 hours, so just, I don’t know, explore?” Sam gave Dean a shy smile.

“I’m sorry did you say 8 hours?” Dean said skeptically. 

“Yea, why do you think we had to come here so early in the morning?” Sam said furrowing his eyebrows.

“Because it’s school? I don’t know!” Dean exasperatedly turned around and rubbed a hand on his face.

“Dean, just stick around. Please.” Sammy gave him those big puppy dog eyes and Dean sighed.

“Fine. But you owe me pie.” Dean stated seriously as he pointed a finger at Sam. 

“Sure thing Dean. Now just look around, maybe you would be interested in taking a class?” Sam smiled widely at Dean.

“Yea, whatever, now go!” Dean said pointing to a large building.

“I’m actually going this way.” Sam said walking backwards and pointing his thumb behind him.

“Whatever, bitch.” 

“Jerk.”  
~  
Dean decided he would look around. The university had a few tables set up with different kinds of clubs to join and Dean groaned at the dumb jocks dumping Gatorade on each other. After having walked around the campus for 2 hours, he got tired and decided to sit down on a chair, just watching the people go by. He stayed there undisturbed for another hour until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He knew it wasn’t his Sammy and shot up immediately.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel said to him with a small smile that of itself could outshine the sun.

“Castiel?” Dean said dumbly.

“Cas, please.” Castiel said looking down with his small smile.

“What?” Dean still hadn’t recovered himself from Castiel popping up out of nowhere.

“I liked it when you called me ‘Cas,’ and to hear you call me Castiel feels… off.” Cas said with a slight blush.

“Oh.” Dean coughed in an attempt to make himself feel less awkward. He’d forgotten how beautiful this man was. “Angel” came to mind but he shook it away. His pale skin seemed tanner than before, although it was still unblemished. If possible, his eyes looked bluer, and his dark brown hair was still untamed.

“It’s nice isn’t it?” Cas said, dragging Dean away from his thoughts and giving Dean time to realize that he had been staring.

“What? Sorry, what is?” Dean stuttered out. Castiel only smiled wider and turned to look at a small group of people passing by.

“Watching them, the people, going about their lives.” Castiel replied.

“Yea.” Dean said, looking over at a young man being tugged by the arm by a little girl. “It really is Cas.”

Cas looked over at Dean again. “Have you seen the rest of the campus yet, Dean?”

“Yea, I’ve been here since 7am, bored out of my mind.” Dean said rubbing his hands under his tired eyes.

“Would you like to get some coffee? You look pretty tired.” Cas offered.

“Yea uh, sure. My car?” Dean responded hesitantly. Their last coffee not having gone very well.

“If you would feel more comfortable that way, then yes.” Castiel looked at Dean with a peacefulness in his startlingly blue eyes that made Dean’s heart melt.

“Thanks. Let’s go then, ‘cause I need some caffeine in my system.” Dean said with a smile.

Dean thinks the Universe is pretty funny, and it’s nice to see Castiel again. He hadn’t like the way that he’d left things. He regretted everything he had said to Cas, and here he had a chance to make things right this time. A chance to make things better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the chapter and yea, I like to leave off on cliff-hangers. I really want to know how you guys are liking this fic because I am having a fun time writing it and I wanna know if you guys feel the same about reading it....


	4. On Campus With Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this took forever to post but it's been a really busy week and whatnot and I'm so sorry.

They decided to walk instead of taking Dean’s car. There was a café around campus anyways, and it wasn’t far. Once they ordered their drinks and found a table to sit at, Castiel began a conversation.

“How have you been Dean?” He asked politely.

“Fine, how about you Cas?” Dean responded kindly.

“I’ve been busy.” Castiel looked down into his to-go cup. “How are you feeling? Since the incident with Alastair, I would expect you are feeling a large range of emotions.”

Dean looked down at that.

“Forgive me,” Castiel said taking back what he said. “I don’t have the most tact and I have been told I am severely lacking in people skills.” He made air quotations so ridiculously seriously, Dean couldn’t help a smile.

“It’s okay.” Dean responded lightly. “I don’t either. And to answer your question, things are pretty normal.”

“I didn’t ask if things were normal Dean,” Castiel said patiently. “I asked how you felt, emotionally.”

“I don’t talk feelings much, Cas.” Dean said annoyed.

“Yes, I noticed.” Castiel said with a stare that was drilling holes through Dean’s face.

“Well then, what do you want from me?” Dean asked upset and uncomfortable.

Castiel’s face softened. “I don’t want anything from you. I just want to know how you are doing.”

“Peachy,” Dean responded stubbornly.

“Dean, please stop pushing me away, I want to help you.” Castiel pleaded.

“I don’t need help, but thanks for the offer.” Dean sipped his coffee.

“Dean, you can pretend that you are fine, but it won’t make it true.” Castiel said, gaze never leaving Dean’s face.

“Well nothing else helps, Cas!” Dean sad loudly, causing a few other people to look at them.

Castiel’s blue eyes turned empathetic.

“You could talk to me,” he offered with a lowered voice so that only Dean could hear.

Dean saw Castiel’s unflinching gaze falter and turn to look around.

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean said softly. “I’m on edge around you and I’ve never been good at this feel-good emotional crap, that’s Sammy’s thing.”

Castiel looked back to Dean. “If you would like to talk to me again, I have a lunch break in about two hours after my next class.”

“You take a class a class here?” Dean asked dodging but interested.

“Something like that,” Cas said with a smile as he stood up. “I have to go now or I’ll be late, but come by the anthropology classroom at one if you would like to talk again. I’ll be there waiting.”

With that, Castiel laid a warm hand on Dean’s shoulder, and walked out. Dean watched him walk away until there was nothing left to see and then finished his own coffee.

~

Dean didn’t know where the anthropology classroom was supposed to be, so he just wandered around lazily looking for it for the first hour. When he still hadn’t found it, he asked an attractive young blond for some direction and she giggled as she pointed him towards the building in front of them and gave him directions for finding it once inside and slipped him her phone number. Dean thanked her kindly with a flirty smile, but he threw the phone number away when she was gone.

He found it soon enough, but didn’t peer inside, deciding on waiting for Cas to walk out. A half hour later, the students started leaving and Dean looked to see if any of them were Castiel. After all of the students had been out of the class for five minutes, Dean thought that maybe Castiel had ditched him and he started feeling stupid again. “Of course I get duped,” he thought.

He was going to walk away when he noticed Castiel glancing out of the doorway with a sad yet hopeful look on his face and then looking down as he shook his head and put the same old trench coat from the day they first met on.

“Hey Cas!” Dean said loudly unable to help himself and rushing towards the other man.

“Dean,” Cas said looking surprised.

“I was waiting forever for you to come out, I think even the professor left before you. What took you so long?” Dean asked with a smile.

“I think that’s highly unlikely,” Castiel said with a small smirk coming to rest on his lips. It did weird things to Dean and he couldn’t help licking his bottom lip as he stared at Castiel.

“Uh, why’s that?” Dean said looking back into Castiel’s eyes, which seemed to have dilated for some reason.

“Well, because I am the professor,” Castiel said.

“No way,” Dean said in disbelief. “You’re too young to be a professor.”

“How old do you think I am, Dean?” Castiel asked amused.

“I would think, mid-twenties?” Dean said cautiously.

“Late twenties, but thank you,” Castiel said as he motioned for Dean to follow when he started walking.

“You’re kidding,” Dean said in disbelief.

“I don’t usually kid, I’ve been told I’m not good at it,” Castiel said with a small smile.

“Eh, I’m sure you’re hilarious in your own way,” Dean said assuring with a small push at Castiel that made a confused smile creep on Castiel’s face.

“Thank you,” he responded awkwardly.

“Yep,” Dean replied staring down to look at his feet that were just walking around following Castiel’s.

“So… Anthropology?” Dean asked to fill the silence that was between them.

“Yes, I find the study of humans and their cultures fascinating,” Castiel replied.

“You say it like you’re not one of us, Cas.” Dean says jokingly.

“Apologies, I often exclude myself from the rest of the population,” Cas says shyly.

“Yea, well you’re too good for us anyways,” Dean chips in sincerely.

“This isn’t funny Dean,” Castiel says as he avoids eye-contact with Dean.

“I was being serious,” Dean says as he stops walking and pulls on Castiel’s sleeve to look at him in those amazing blue eyes again. “You’re my angel remember?” He doesn't mean too, but it comes out possessively and for a second, he thinks Cas won't want to talk to him anymore.

But Cas rocks forward slightly and glances at Dean’s lips with a nervous yet eager look before abruptly turning around and continuing to walk.

Dean felt heat rise to his cheeks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just-”

“It’s fine, nothing happened Dean,” Castiel said, emotionless.

“Don’t shut me out man,” Dean said still following after Cas.

“Why not? You shut me out every time I try to talk to you,” Castiel was walking at a normal pace, not avoiding Dean, simply not looking at him. Dean missed the color blue already.

“I won’t,” Dean found himself saying. That seemed to get Castiel’s attention because he stopped walking again and turned to look at Dean, emotionless still, but it was something. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know, just don’t shut me out.” Dean said.

There was a glint of pleasure in Castiel’s eyes and he sat down on a nearby bench, motioning for Dean to do the same.

“Very well,” Castiel said. “I want to know how you’ve been Dean. I want to know how you’ve been dealing with what happened.”

Dean avoided looking at Cas and took to looking ahead. “It’s been difficult I guess.” He said after taking a breath.

Castiel let him take his time and stared intently.

“I can’t talk to Sam about it, he feels responsible and I can’t put that on him.” Dean said, not looking at Cas. “He keeps insisting I tell him what happened, but I don’t see the point. He’ll feel guilty and that won’t help any.”

He finally turned to look at Castiel, finding comfort in the sympathy in Castiel’s understanding eyes.

“I feel angry, all the time.” Dean said, focusing on Castiel’s face. “I did a lot of bad things I can’t take back and I tortured those people and I even took to hurting myself. I gave in to this darkness inside of me, that I didn't know I had Cas, and it eats away at me and I can’t make it stop. I’m damaged and broken, and I don’t deserve to have the good things I have. I don’t have a right to complain, so I don’t. I don’t deserve sympathy or help. I’ve caused too much hurt to go back from that. I ruined lives, I ruined my own life, and Sammy’s, and I feel like I’m dragging you with me too and I can’t do that. Not to you. Not after what you did for me.”

Castiel rested his hand on Dean’s leg when he heard the crack in Dean’s voice getting more evident. “I can take care of myself Dean, and I want to be here with you.”

Dean’s breathing got shaky and he looked down at the hand on his leg. “I like you being here too.”

Castiel smiled softly at Dean and Dean looked back up at him. They stared at each other for a few minutes, analyzing each other and they both felt a bond between them strengthening.

Dean was the first to break eye-contact when a small girl of around 5 or 6 years of age went to retrieve a Frisbee that had landed near his boots.

“I have to get back and teach another class,” Castiel said once the little girl had come and gone.

“Yea, I gotta find Sammy,” Dean replied awkwardly.

“What are you doing here anyways?” Castiel asked intrigued.

“Sam had to retake his bar-exam,” Dean replied lightly.

“I suppose you two will be leaving after he finishes?” Cas asked.

“Yea, but um, I’d like to talk to you again so I’m gonna give you my number if that’s okay?” Dean stumbled out awkwardly.

Castiel gave Dean another small smile, “yes that’s okay.”

Dean fished through his pockets for a piece of paper and found none.

“I got nothin’,” he said awkwardly.

“I have pens and paper in my classroom,” Cas offered.

“Okay, I’ll walk you to class then,” Dean replied immediately regretting it because he sounded like some teen movie.

Castiel simply nodded with a smile and started walking back, both of them quiet until they got to the anthropology classroom.

“Here,” Castiel said as he took a pen and a post-it note from his desk.

“Thanks,” Dean said, writing his numbers as clearly as possible on the small yellow square.

When Dean handed the paper to Cas, Castiel smiled and pulled out his phone from his coat pocket.

“Oh,” Dean said dumbly realizing that he could have just told Castiel his phone number or put it directly into his phone.

Castiel looked back up at Dean as some students started seating themselves.

“I’ll call you later Dean,” he said politely.

Dean nodded his head and backed out of the door, not turning around until he was in the hall. He felt crazy and immature, having talked about his feelings with Castiel, then acting even more insecure than he had in high-school. He slammed his fist against a wall and set out to find Sam. The stupid test was taking too long.

~

Sam had finished the test early, but he checked his answers again just to be sure and then handed them in and set out to look for Dean. Dean was sitting on a bench, sulking for some unknown reason and looking impatient and upset. Sam put his hand on Dean’s shoulder, but before he even said anything, hope and disappointment flashed through his brother’s eyes as he turned around.

“Hey,” Sam said with a smile.

“Hi,” Dean said in the voice Sam had come to recognize as the voice he used to cover up how he was actually feeling.

“So what happened?” Sam asked casually.

“Nothing, just walked around a bit, thinking about the pie you owe me,” Dean said casually.

“Uh-huh. Nothing else?” Sam inquired.

“Nope, now let’s go because I’m pretty hungry and you probably are too,” Dean said standing up and already heading toward the direction of the parking lot where they had left the Impala.

“You could’ve eaten you know,” Sam said smartly.

“Yep,” was all Dean replied.

“I’m guessing you want a bacon cheeseburger with your pie then?” Sam said.

“That would be awesome. You pay,” Dean was still hiding something.

“Sure, but what the hell is going on?” Sam couldn’t help it.

“What do you mean Sammy?” Dean glanced over at him but kept walking already having gotten to the parking lot.

“You’re acting different. Weird different.” Sam said.

“Colleges have never really been my thing, and you ditched me at this university for like 8 hours. I feel weird.” Dean replied coolly.

“Yea, alright,” and with that, the conversation was dropped and they went to go eat. Well, Dean did, but according to Dean, Sam just sat there nibbling at his carrots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment what you guys thought? Mehbeh?


	5. Friends and Phone Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what happens after Chapter 4 :p

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been busy lately but here's the update!

“Dean, you gotta get up,” Sam said pulling Dean off of the couch.

Dean landed with a thump and a muffled growl as he held his whiskey bottle closer to his body.

Sam had thought he’d seen Dean hit rock bottom during his time in Hell. This was getting pretty close.

“Dean,” a worried Sam said trying to make Dean stand. “Bobby says you haven’t been at work for two weeks and you smell like you haven’t showered in at least half of that time.”

“G’way Sammy,” Dean slurred.

“No. Not until you eat something or take a shower,” Sam stated firmly.

“I’ll eat something then,” Dean sighed. He turned over on the floor where he’d been fighting with Sam to stay.

“Good. Make yourself something and I’ll stand here and watch,” Sam said, crossing his arms.

“You said I could eat or take a shower. I chose eat so I wouldn’t get up.” Dean slurred, promptly finishing his whiskey in one large gulp that burned down his throat.

“Yea, I know.” Sam uncrossed his arms and struggled with Dean for the now empty bottle of whiskey.

“Get out!” Dean yelled as he pointed a lazy arm to the general vicinity of where the door supposedly was.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Sam asked concerned.

“Nothin’, I just wanna be alone.” Dean mumbled in a depressed tone.

“Dean. Is this about what happened in Hell?” Sam asked cautiously. He’d been waiting for more than this. Like a violent response from Dean or maybe a shed tear or two as they talked about it.

“Yea. Sure, Sammy. Let’s cry and talk about it while we ride our pretty ponies that shoot rainbows out of their ass!” Dean replied with scorn.

“Okay, so it’s not about Hell. What’s it about?” Sammy inquired.

“Nothin’,” Dean muttered. “Just some stuff I’m working through by myself. No need to get your panties in a twist over it.”

“My panties are just fine.” Sam replied. “Yours seem to be stuck up your ass.”

“Shut up,” Dean snapped back.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Sam asked again.

“Nothin’ I’m just taking some time off to think over some life choices.” Dean slurred as he tried to sit back on the couch.

Sam gave his brother a moment of silence, unsure if he was being serious or not.

“I didn’t even know you could still get drunk. What did you drink and how much of it?” Sam asked eyeing his older brother that looked about ready to topple over.

“Something with alcohol and enough of it,” Dean mumbled as he half laid down on the arm rest.

“Dean, don’t be like dad. Just tell me what’s wrong so you can let it out of your system.” Sam said gently.

Dean’s eyes turned to look angrily at Sam, but they caught focus on something else and his face fell into despair. Sam looked at the direction his brother’s head had been looking but saw nothing aside from another empty whiskey bottle, a cushion, and Dean’s cell phone.

“Oh my God,” Sam said sharply, making Dean jerk his head away from the loud noise. “Is this about a girl? Did one of your “conquests” not call you back to tell you how amazing you were? Dean, that is pathetic, even by Winchester standards.”

“I really liked this one,” Dean said sadly as he stumbled toward a half full whiskey bottle that had rolled out from under the couch. Sam stood to retrieve it away from him.

“Dude, c’mon. They don’t always come back and sometimes a fling is just a fling,” Sam explained.

“Well, this one wasn’t for me. I thought we hit it off and I thought maybe somebody that didn’t have to, actually cared about me this time but apparently I was wrong.” Dean said drunkenly as he tripped over the carpet slightly.

Sam was about to respond when Dean’s cell phone went off and he was attacked by a quickly sobered Dean, that promptly fell on his lap and answered the phone.

“Hello,” Dean said as cool as a cucumber, as if he hadn’t just totally lunged for the phone.

“Hello, Dean?” A deep voice asked unsurely from the other line.

“Yea, who’s this?” Dean asked calmly, but Sam could see the hope in his eyes.

“This is Cas. You do remember me right?” The other voice replied. He sounded almost as desperate as his brother looked, Sam thought.

“Yea! Of course! I mean, uh, yea,” Dean replied standing up and motioning for Sam to get out as he headed towards his room.

Sam didn’t hear the rest of the conversation. Dean had locked himself in his room like a girl and all Sam could make out was muffled sounds of Dean laughing and talking happily with whoever was on the phone with him.

Dean came out of his room with a happy smile and only half stumbling as he made his way to the kitchen and moved some ground beef from the freezer to the refrigerator. He smiled at Sam the whole time and refilled his coffee maker while munching on a piece of salami he had taken out of the fridge.

“Who was that?” Sam asked curiously but still a little shocked.

“Just a friend,” Dean said with the goofiest smile that Sam had seen on his brother’s face in years.

“Friend?” Sam said still a little thrown off.

“Yea Sammy, a friend,” Dean turned to the stove but Sam got his senses back enough to pull Dean away from it.

“You look better but let’s not touch the stove or anything sharp until you shower and have some coffee okay?” Sam said cautiously.

“Alright Samantha,” Dean said mockingly as he headed to his bedroom.

Dean came out of his room with a clean towel and headed to the bathroom as Sam poured him some of the already made coffee.

“Wait,” Sam said rushing slightly to the bathroom door with the mug in his hands. “Down this real fast so you can sober up a bit. I don’t want you dying in the shower and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that either.”

“Alright,” Dean complied as he gulped down the contents of the mug and shoved the empty container into Sam’s hands.

“Good. I’ll be here making something to eat then,” Sam said stepping away.

Dean still stumbled a bit as he closed the door and muttered some incoherent phrases as he undressed, but Sam knew the guy needed to shower, and if he was willing to do so right then, he probably should.

Sam cooked some pancakes and eggs for his big brother as Dean sang “I’m All Out of Love,” in the shower. Sam heard Dean’s voice crack with emotion and started reconsidering if it had been safe to leave a drunken Dean alone with slippery floors and soap that could get in his eyes.

Sam knew the answer to that immediately when he heard the water stop and a loud thud was heard coming from the bathroom. He left the kitchen quickly but Dean was already walking out of the bathroom with a limp and a red mark on his arm that was probably going to bruise.

Sammy also noticed that Dean’s left eye was red from wear he probably had gotten the shampoo in it and then tried to scrub it out with his soapy hands. Sam could do little more than chuckle. Dean looked at him upset, and Sam started laughing happily seeing his brother a wet, love-sick mess with bruises and a sad face. He had ammunition for a decade.

“Somethin’ funny, Sam?” Dean said rapidly blinking his left eye.

Sam couldn’t stop laughing, “Oh, yea.”

“Well lock it up,” Dean said in a huff, moving his way into his room with only his towel around his waist.

“Wait,” Sam said catching his breath. “Is that a new towel?” he asked.

“Yea, so what?” Dean said grumpy.

“It’s blue.” Sam said stating the obvious.

“Look who knows his colors. Yes Sam. My towel is blue,” Dean mocked.

“It doesn’t go with your bathroom setting. I thought you hated that,” Sam replied confused.

“Can’t a guy buy a towel without being interrogated about it? Jesus Christ,” Dean said flipping his head and shaking it as he walked into his room and closed the door with a slam.

“Huh.” Sam said, returning to his eggs.

Dean came out of his room dressed and ready to eat just as Sam finished serving the plates. Sam made cracks at Dean when Dean looked like he was about to throw the food back up, but Dean kept it down like an experienced alcoholic.

“So who’s Cas?” Sam asked cautiously, though feigning innocence as he shoved another pancake in his mouth.

“A friend,” Dean responded tiredly.

“Is that who you thought you had hit it off with?” Sam asked gingerly.

“Hmm? Uh, yea maybe,” Dean answered vaguely.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sam asked carefully still.

“Obviously not, and I’m not going to, just to satisfy my little sister’s need for gossip,” Dean barked at Sam unexpectedly.

“Sorry,” Sam sighed.

They finished their meal relatively quiet, only the sounds of munching and gulping down more coffee were heard. Dean looked at Sam with apologetic eyes and Sam had nodded at him with a small smile.

“He’s the guy,” Dean said as he washed the plates and Sam dried them sloppily with a towel before putting them in the dish washer.

Dean had established a long time ago that he didn’t need, or want, a dishwasher, so when Sam had bought him one, it simply remained off all the time and was only used to help dry the plates, especially when Sam came over to help.

“What guy?” Sam asked nonchalantly, trying to keep the conversation going without scaring Dean away from it.

“The one who saved me from Alastair,” Dean said quietly as he scrubbed a plate.

“The one you ditched me at the hospital for?” Sam inquired with a small sense of resentment for both of them as he remembered that day.

“Yea… Him,” Dean actually chuckled when he saw Sammy’s expression of betrayal, as if it hadn’t been three months ago.

“Oh, I didn’t know you guys had exchanged phone numbers. You looked kinda upset after your little meet and greet I thought things hadn’t gone well.” Sam said simply.

“I saw him at Stanford when you went to retake your exam. I gave him my number then and he hadn’t called me.” Dean responded handing Sam the newly rinsed plate.

“That was two weeks ago. About the same time you stopped showering and showing up for work.” Sam was putting the pieces together. He should’ve known something had been wrong after his exam. Dean had been cutting him off because he felt emotionally vulnerable with this man. He had thought Dean was just upset of having been left alone surrounded by people on a college campus for eight hours.  
Dean snatched him away from his thought when he started explaining. “Yea, well I thought he’d call that night or the next day. When he didn’t, I don’t know. I just was drinking my usual beer with my dinner, next thing I knew I was getting pretty buzzed with the alcohol you and the others had given me for Christmas or my birthday. I got up and I decided to see if I could get drunk so I walked to the liquor store across the street and experimented with vodka and all kinds of different shit. I woke up when my alarm went off the next day and I knew I was in no condition to work so I told Bobby I wasn’t gonna be showing up.”

“He called me and asked if things were okay, I said they were fine,” Sam said, taking in what Dean was telling him.

“I don’t know what happened. The phone would ring and I’d jump and it would be you or somebody else. Jo called and I started yelling at her in my deliriousness and I can vaguely make out her yelling for me to go to hell. Told her I’d already been and I laughed for a good long while before passing out with the phone still in my hand.” Dean said ashamed.

“So that’s why she called and said you were a dickhead that needed to be castrated.” Sam muttered to Dean, talking mostly to himself.

“Probably,” Dean said sullenly. “I gotta apologize to her, I don’t remember half of what I said but it must’ve been pretty bad.”

“Yea I’ll bet,” Sam huffed out a laugh.

“I can’t believe it was two weeks,” Dean said as he wiped his hands on another towel and brushed them through his hair.

“Why didn’t he call sooner?” Sam probed, momentarily forgetting that it might be a sensitive subject for Dean.

“I’m not sure,” Dean replied calmly. “He didn’t say and I didn’t ask so I can only assume the guy’s busy. Probably even married for all I know.”

Sam wasn’t sure what to say so he nodded and closed the dishwasher seeing as they had finished.

“Wanna watch a movie? It’s Friday so I got the day off and I brought my papers to look over the case I got going on right now.”

“Which case?” Dean asked curiously.

“I shouldn’t tell you but it’s not a big deal,” Sammy said as he went to grab his bag and put it on the coffee table to spread out his work.

“Okay,” Dean replied eagerly, moving his hands in a forward motion to signal Sam to tell him what it was.

“Well, this girl hacked into this large company’s corrupt CEO’s bank account and gave most of it away to different charities.” Sam explained. “She wouldn’t have gotten caught for it, but the police found out that she had motive from working for him before and the guy was a massive shit-bag that treated his employees like dirt. They went to her house to ask questions just when she had been hacking into a hospital’s computer systems.”

“A hospital?” Dean asked confused.

“Yea, she won’t say why either.” Sammy responded casually while he opened a folder.

“That her?” Dean asked pointing at the redhead whose mug shot was in the folder.

“Yea, that’s Charlie Bradbury.” Sam answered reading some of his papers.

“She’s cute,” Dean said checking the picture closer.

“Don’t even think about it.” Sam warned. “Besides, she doesn’t play for your team.”

“I’m just checking to see who my new hero is,” Dean winked at Sam. He got up to look at his movie collection in his television furniture’s cabinets.

“Why is it that you have the biggest television known to man, but you still have to use the same dishes every time I come over?” Sam asked amused.

“Because I enjoy watching television as opposed to letting dishes pile up and start to smell bad with leftover food.” Dean replied. Sam knew he was gonna rant about it now, he shouldn’t have said anything.

Dean made a face. “I swear, you have the worst kitchen Sam. You let your dishes pile up and you got a shit ton but you never have anything clean we can eat on. They are overflowing in your kitchen and you just leave them there. You don’t even bother to throw the scraps off of the plates. You just leave them dirty in the sink! I’m surprised you don’t have all kinds of bugs living in there. Or maybe you do. You couldn’t tell because you’d have to dig through dirty plates or god-forbid wash one to see what’s on the counter underneath it all. Do you even still have a counter-top or has is crumbled to pieces under the weight of all your plates?”

Sam couldn’t help rolling his eyes before answering with, “you’re exaggerating Dean.”

“Maybe,” Dean offered. “But I don’t need more plates. Besides, I have nice ones too remember? I just save those for the holidays we spend here with the gang.”

“Alright,” Sam complied.

Dean decided to put in “The Untouchables” to watch and they spent the rest of their day doing brotherly bonding and fighting over which snacks were appropriate to eat with a movie.

~

Sam had slept over in the extra room that Dean had. He had originally fallen asleep on the couch with his face covered in case file papers, but Dean had woken him up and half carried him to the guest room and plopped him on the bed.

Sam woke up late the next day to a note from Dean that he would be back in a little bit and he could help himself to whatever they had left in the fridge. So Sam did.

~

“I didn’t mean to wake you so early on a weekend, I am just accustomed to starting my days early,” Castiel apologized as soon as he saw Dean come around the corner.

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean smiled kindly. “I don’t usually sleep too late in the day either.”

“Yes, well I still felt the need to apologize,” Castiel said shyly. “I wake up at four in the morning on a daily basis and I often forget that not everyone does.”

“Yikes,” Dean exclaimed. “So what do you do for fun when you aren’t waking up at ungodly hours of the morning?”

“I read,” Castiel replied so unquestionably simply that Dean couldn’t help smiling brightly. “What?”

“Nothin’,” Dean said with a chuckle. “I just meant like when you go out. Do you go shopping or just go for a walk, or hang out with friends and family?”

“Why would I do any of that?” Castiel asked, tilting his head like a puzzled child. “I do go shopping for groceries when necessary. Sometimes I go to a bookstore, but I don’t do anything that’s not necessary for my survival. Walking is simply a means of getting me from point A to point B, so I don’t understand why I would ‘just go for a walk.’”

Dean stood shell-shocked for a moment looking into Castiel’s eyes with his own green ones that were staring confusedly at the magnificently innocent creature.

“It’s part of life, Cas.” Dean tried to explain. “We do these things, not to survive, but to actually live. We do them so that we can enjoy ourselves. And before you ask: no. Shopping is not fun for everyone. Personally, I find it dull and a waste a time. But haven’t you ever just walked around to observe the people around you? Or sat at a park bench and watched the world around you just living and happy?”

“Sometimes I look out my window and watch the students hustle about to get to their classes but that doesn’t seem very special.” Cas said, still not understanding.

“Yea well college is a stressful environment. Of course it doesn’t seem special,” Dean said teasingly. “I’m gonna show you how to live Cas, if it’s the last thing I do.”

Castiel smiled at Dean then, and something Dean couldn’t catch flashed in his eyes for a second.

“I look forward to it,” Castiel said quietly, then, “I have a class and a tutoring session and they shouldn’t take very long, but I would like to speak to you more today, if you don’t have plans that is.”

“I never have plans, Cas,” Dean said with a smile he hoped didn’t show as much enthusiasm as he felt. “I prefer to live in the moment.”

“I will call you when it’s over then,” Castiel confirmed before walking away without a goodbye. Not that Dean wanted to say goodbye, there was a certain finality to them, but it still left him standing there watching his blue-eyed angel walk away.

~

Dean arrived back to his apartment to find Sam at his papers again.

“You brought more junk-food,” Sam said with disappointment when he saw Dean walk in with a large bag of snacks from the grocery store.

“Yes I did,” Dean said with a smirk as he through a bag of trail-mix at Sam’s head. “You can take out the M&Ms and give ‘em to me if you’re feeling picky.”

“Thanks Dean, but I’m not that picky,” Sam said opening the bag.

“Sure you aren’t,” Dean joked as he threw a gummy bear at Sam after opening the bag.

“GUMMY BEARS?!” Sam’s head turned so fast Dean thought he was gonna get whiplash. He saw his little brother’s puppy dog eyes and felt immensely grateful to himself that he had bought two bags instead of one.

“Here boy,” Dean said dangling one in front of his face. Sam didn’t care. He lunged at Dean for the gummy bears.

“Give me,” Sam said pleading.

“You have healthy snacks like a good fitness freak, let me eat my chemicals in peace,” Dean said holding the bag away from Sam.

“Everything has chemicals,” Sammy said automatically, reaching for the bag again, but Dean held it away too fast.

“Yes, but these have harmful chemicals,” Dean said testing Sam.

“You’re not dead so they can’t be that bad,” Sammy replied quickly, still unable to get any gummies.

“No,” Dean said as he rushed to his room with the one bag and Sam chased after him yelling for Dean to give him gummy bears. Dean had run around the bed and made a daring leap but Sam caught him by the legs and Dean landed on the bed.

“I just fixed this bed,” Dean said struggling to keep the candy away from his little brother.

“Then you shoulda thought about that before keeping gummy bears away from me,” Sam said crushing Dean with his weight.

“I didn’t think you’d go so far,” Dean said pushing himself to the edge to crawl away.

“You should have,” Sam followed after him.

Dean felt himself falling off the bed and tried to latch on to the sheets to stay on, but Sam was too heavy on him and was already gripping Dean in terror as they both fell off the bed with frightened shouts. Dean still had the bag of candy because he had landed on it, but Sam now had the upper hand of sitting on Dean.

“Thanks for breaking my fall,” Sam joked with a poke at Dean’s ribs.

“Always here for ya little brother,” Dean quipped despite barely being able to breathe.

“Gummy bears?” Sam asked kindly, like he wasn’t sitting on Dean and hadn’t chased him around like an excited puppy.

Dean struggled to get the candy bag out from under him, and when he did, he waved it like a white flag. Sam got off of him and left Dean lying on the bedroom floor feeling like road kill.

Dean was in the process of getting up when his phone vibrated. It was Cas.

“Hey Cas,” Dean said with a tired grunt.

“Hello Dean, is everything alright?” Castiel asked with mild concern.

“Yea, I just got into a wrestling match with a moose, don’t worry about it,” Dean replied with a smile.

“What?” Castiel said confused. Dean could see the man’s eyes squinting.

“Nothin’,” Dean said with a small airless laugh. “I don’t live too far from Stanford so do you wanna meet up there? It wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Yes, that would be fine. I’ll just wait here then.” And with that, Castiel had hung up the phone.

Dean gave his phone an annoyed look before walking out to his living room.

“Hey Sammy,” Dean said holding his arm to his back. “You got a lot of work to do and I gotta clean up my apartment right now or it’s gonna be bugging me and no offense, but you’ll only be in the way so…”

“Gotcha,” Sam said with a nod. “I was actually just packing up my stuff to go. I have a lot of work and I’m not gonna be much fun or get a lot done if I stay here so I’ll see you around then.”

Dean helped Sam pack up some things before shooing him out the door.

“Have fun cleaning!” Sam had yelled back at Dean as he closed the door behind himself.

Dean’s apartment wasn’t too dirty seeing as he had cleaned it last night after sending Sam to bed. All he had left to do was throw out the empty bottles that had already been put in a bag. So Dean took the bag down to the recycling bin and went to find his Baby in the parking lot.

~

“Heya, Cas,” Dean said smiling brightly when he saw him.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel replied with one of those sweet soft smiles he always had for Dean.

“So what are we doing?” Dean asked rocking back on his heels with his hands in his pockets.

“I’m a little hungry if you would like to get lunch,” Castiel offered.

“You know what? I promised you I would show you how to live and you’re not gonna learn by just sitting in another room full of people you don’t know, doing something only because you have to.” Dean said.

“That doesn’t make me any less hungry,” Castiel replied dully.

“I know.” Dean motioned for Castiel to follow him and they walked to Dean’s car. “Let’s go someplace.”

“Where are we going?” Castiel asked.

“Palo Alto,” Dean said simply. “Ever been?”

“No I haven’t,” Cas responded with a serious look.

“What? Wow.” Dean whistled.

“What?” Castiel asked defensively.

“For somebody fascinated with humans and human culture, you sure don’t experience it much.” Dean teased with a knock of his shoulder against Castiel in the Impala.

~

They got there and Castiel was already getting grumpy and said he was starving when Dean asked how he was holding up.

“Well we’re here,” Dean said pulling up to the sandy parking lot.

“Fascinating,” Cas said tightly.

“It will be once we get some grease in you,” Dean said happily as they got out of the car.

“Fine,” Castiel was annoyed but he kept following Dean to wherever he was going.

“You like seafood?” Dean asked as they reached an area with various restaurants.

“I have no preference,” Cas replied, looking like he was gonna fall over.

“When was the last time you ate?” Dean was concerned now.

“I don’t remember,” Castiel responded with annoyance.

“Alright, c’mon buddy,” Dean guided Cas to a chair at an empty table.

A waitress came by quickly and got them their drinks. Dean went over the menu telling Cas what was on it because he couldn’t focus on anything. Eventually he got frustrated and yelled “anything!” at Dean so that Dean would order for him.

Dean took it patiently and ordered the day’s special and some fried fish with a bunch of appetizers that Castiel could pick at while they waited and see what he liked.

“Thank you,” Castiel said once the preppy waitress was gone.

“It’s no problem Cas. I dragged you out here, so I gotta feed ya,” Dean said with a soft smile.

“Yes, well I didn’t need to lose my temper,” Castiel replied looking down in shame.

“Don’t worry about it.” Dean said placing a friendly hand on Castiel’s arm and withdrawing it. “What you should be worrying about is learning how to actually survive first. I mean you said that it’s what you do mostly but here you are not remembering the last time you ate.”

“It was sometime yesterday morning,” Cas half smiled at Dean. “And you said I wouldn’t learn about living in another room full of people I don’t know.”

“Yea, but you don’t have to be here,” Dean explained.

The waitress came by and left them their appetizers. Dean thought she was pretty attractive and he gave her a once over. She smiled back at him flirtatiously and Dean noticed she walked away with a more obvious sway of her hips. He turned to look at Castiel who was eating his appetizers in silence, but practically inhaling them.

Dean liked watching Castiel eat. He was eating quickly, but Dean could tell he would also take a moment to pause and taste every bite. After a while of staring, Castiel mumbled about Dean not eating and Dean joined him in eating and looked to see the water out the window, even though they had seated themselves in a table in the middle of the room.

The waitress kept coming back to see if they needed anything and Dean saw Castiel squint his eyes at her as if to say, “nobody gives service that good, what do you want?” He snickered as Castiel watched her walk away in confusion and then looked to Dean questioningly.

“Don’t worry about it, just eat your food.” Dean said with an amused smile.

They finished eating and the waitress had shoved her number at Dean while Cas had gone to use a bathroom. Dean and Cas spent the rest of the day looking around and Dean experimenting with Castiel’s stomach as he filled it with different junk food and candies, including cotton candy which the poor isolated man had surprisingly never had before.

Dean will never get over how fascinated Cas had been at not having to chew on the large chunks of the cotton candy that he kept shoving in his face. Castiel had been so fascinated, he insisted that Dean open his mouth and he shoved a bunch of cotton candy in. Dean wanted to close his mouth for obvious reasons, but Cas had forced Dean to keep his mouth open until Dean started drooling and he refused to indulge Cas any further. Cas had pouted and Dean resolved he would surprise him by buying Castiel a cotton candy maker.

It got to be dark and Dean thought it was time that he took Castiel back to Stanford for his car. It wasn’t like he wanted Cas to go, he just didn’t know how to ask him to stay or for what, so he didn’t.

~

“The beach was surprisingly fascinating, you were right,” Cas told Dean when they got back to Stanford.

“Yep,” Dean said awkwardly, now that the day had come to an end.

“Is it a place you favor and visit often?” Castiel asked seriously.

“Uh, yea I guess. I like it well enough and it’s a really nice place to visit.” Dean answered politely. He hadn’t really thought about it.

“Follow me in your car,” Castiel said climbing into his own vehicle.

“Why?” Dean asked reaching down to the car window.

“Because I’m sure you don’t want to leave it here.” And with that Castiel was already backing out of the parking space and Dean was heading to his car to follow.

~

Cas took him to a small diner that didn’t seem like it had a lot of customers.

“We need proper nourishment Dean,” Castiel retorted when Dean asked why they were there.

“We had meat,” Dean defended.

“We had hotdogs.” Castiel corrected.

“Alright, what’s good to eat?” Dean asked giving up.

“Everything,” Castiel replied with a happy smile.

“Okay then,” Dean said looking through his menu.

They ate and talked about food and diners and places Dean would like to show Castiel if he had any free-time.

“The Thanksgiving four-day weekend is coming up,” Castiel commented.

“Yea, but I’m sure you’re doing stuff.” Dean responded lightly.

“Not really, but I understand if you are.” Cas said kindly.

“What do you mean not really?” Dean said questioningly.

“I have no plans for this upcoming weekend. My family does not take part in the custom of Thanksgiving.” Castiel explained.

“Then you have to come over to my place,” Dean stated firmly. “Seriously, Thanksgiving is a human custom, you should be celebrating it every year. I don’t have a bunch of people coming over, but they’re all really awesome. I’d really like for you to be there too, and my door is always open.”

“I’ll consider it,” Castiel said uncertainly.

They continued eating their dinner at the diner and both Dean and Castiel were as happy as they’d ever been. Dean didn’t really know what life had been like before he met Castiel that night of September 18, like everything before it had been blurred somehow. As for Castiel, he felt like he was seeing in color for the first time. Life seemed more beautiful and he didn’t understand how he couldn’t have seen it before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really nervous about this chapter and the next and basically the whole fanfiction right now.


	6. Dean's Apartment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel at Dean's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like chapter summaries... they're hard.

They went to Dean’s apartment after the diner.

“You gotta watch Star Wars!” Dean had insisted.

“If I must,” Castiel sighed.

“I feel honored to be your first,” Dean said enthusiastic, blushing furiously when he realized what had had just said to an equally red Castiel.

“I meant your, um, first Star Wars experience… ‘cause you are a Star Wars virgin… As in, you’ve never seen it before…” Dean stuttered out, face turning redder as they reached the apartment door.

Dean was surprised that Cas had decided to stay anyways, but that was something he liked about Castiel: he could live through the most awkward moments and move on as though nothing had happened.

“So we just ate, but popcorn and licorice is a must!” Dean yelled from the kitchen after having pointed Cas to the couch.

“Alright,” Castiel responded quietly as he opened Dean’s TV furniture’s cabinets to reveal a large selection of various movies and television shows, including the Star Wars movies.

“Which do we start with Dean?” Castiel asked louder than normal to make sure Dean could hear him over the noises of the kitchen.

“Well I would start with ‘Episode 4’ but the prequels were made for a reason… Nah let’s start with the Original Trilogy,” Dean replied as he walked over to the coffee table with a bag of licorice and a large soda bottle.

“If that’s what would be best,” Castiel smiled at him.

Dean’s insides were turning to mush. He had just spent the day with Cas, showing him new things and then going to dinner at Castiel’s favorite diner. Now he was going to watch a movie (Star Wars no less) with his angel as they ate licorice on the couch.

“Yea, I think it is best,” Dean said smiling goofy at Cas.

Cas didn’t comment, he simply stepped closer and grabbed a piece of licorice from the bag Dean was still holding, Castiel’s smile still shining brightly on his face.

“Why licorice?” Cas asked as he took a bite and sat down on the couch, looking up at Dean with that look of admiration that Dean didn’t think he deserved. He didn’t deserve Cas, not even as a friend, and yet here they were, together in Dean’s apartment, getting prepped for Star Wars.

“Because it’s a classic movie snack, obviously,” Dean said sweetly smiling down at Cas and a hand stroking through Castiel’s hair once of its own accord.

“Obviously,” Cas repeated, still staring up at Dean, his hair now sticking up in new places.

Dean found himself thinking that there was something satisfying about seeing Castiel’s hair messy because Dean made it that way. He decided that he wanted to do it more often, and even if only he and Cas knew that the messy hair was Dean’s doing, it was still a nice thought.

“Popcorn’s ready,” Dean said once the microwave went off and he stepped into the kitchen to serve it into a bowl.

“I’ll put the movie in,” Castiel said as he stood up and took the DVD out of the case with a delicate reverence Dean knew was only because Cas knew how much Dean loved his movies.

Once the snacks were set out and Dean and Cas were seated on their ends of the small sofa, Dean pressed the play button and the introduction music came on.

After a while of watching the movie, with Castiel asking small, oblivious questions, Dean saw Cas yawn and curl himself into a more comfortable position that happened to be leaning on a pillow closer to Dean. Dean decided now was as good a time as any to sprawl his body a bit and he leaned towards Cas.

They stayed like that throughout the rest of the movie, heads not-quite touching, but gravitated toward each other.

Cas was dozing off and Dean didn’t have the heart to tell him to lay out on the couch. Castiel started muttering about getting up in a minute but Dean just grabbed one of the blankets he kept under the coffee table and placed it on Castiel and moved the other man’s body to lean down on him slightly. But Cas took the opportunity to lean all the way up on Dean, cuddling him with his head rested on Dean’s shoulder and his arm splayed around Dean’s chest.

Dean could feel his heart pounding hard and fast in his chest like it was going to break through the sternum and hop onto the floor. Castiel started muttering again, but Dean couldn’t focus on what he was saying because Castiel’s breath was hot on his neck and his arms were squeezing Dean tighter.

Castiel nuzzled into Dean’s neck and sighed happily. Dean didn’t know if he wanted to stay and cuddle the adorable bastard or throw him off and tell him this wasn’t appropriate behavior for friends.

Dean wasn’t ready to lose his blooming friendship with Cas over something as silly as cuddling. It wasn’t right, not after trying his best to be friends with Cas. He wasn’t going to lose that over some snuggling on the couch after a great day and Star Wars. Dean resolved that they could cuddle tonight, but in the morning, it never happened.

They spent the night like that, and eventually Dean had calmed down enough to fall asleep with his face buried in Castiel’s hair and his arms hugging his angel close to his body. It was the best sleep he’d gotten in months.

~

The next morning, Castiel had woken up first, but he didn’t move. He spent the time staring up at a sleeping Dean with a serene look on his face. When Dean opened his eyes, he was startled by the astounding focus of blue that was Castiel’s eyes, staring at him softly and content.

“Mornin’,” Dean said, voice raspy with sleep.

“Good morning Dean,” Castiel smiled up at him.

“Want breakfast?” Dean asked. His arms still firmly around Castiel.

“That would be nice,” Castiel responded, still not moving.

“Yea it would,” Dean smiled softly at Castiel, thinking how nice it was to wake up with Cas in his arms.

“I should get up,” Castiel said, eyes peaceful as they gazed into Dean’s.

“If you want breakfast right away, you probably should,” Dean responded mildly.

“What if I don’t want it ‘right away’?” Castiel asked playfully, sitting up slightly.

“Then we could stay like this until you did… If you want…” Dean replied, already starting to unwrap his arms from around Castiel.

“I’m not that hungry,” Cas said with finality as he scooted closer to Dean and rested his head on Dean’s chest, his ear pressing against Dean’s heart. Dean wondered if Cas could tell that it beat loud and strong for him.

Dean felt like his body was arguing over Castiel's attention. His lungs trying their best to be noticed with their need for air whenever Cas got too close. His heart would cause such a commotion, Dean was sure that Castiel would be able to hear it pounding a mile away. His brain was stupid and stopped filtering the dumb things that crossed his mind and his mouth decided it was okay to repeat them.

Everything about Cas made everything in Dean speak in moron and the miscommunication between his organs made Dean feel shy and awkward like he’d never been before.

Being so close to Cas, Dean was grateful he was laying down and that his body was still half asleep. His arms did tighten around Cas without his permission and his thumb stroked Castiel’s arm absently. It wasn’t long before Castiel’s breathing evened out again and tiny noises came out of his nose. Dean looked at the time and decided he could stay like this all day if Cas would let him.

Dean was starting to doze off after watching Cas sleep for a while, when Cas started to stir again and was about to turn over but Dean’s arms caught him instinctively before the sleepy lump in his arms could fall off the couch onto the floor.

“Hungry,” Cas moaned into Dean’s arm and the vibrations moved Dean’s attention to his morning wood.

“Sure thing Cas,” Dean said as he fumbled to get up and hide without discomforting Cas even more from his awkward position. He failed however and Castiel landed on the floor anyways.

“Mmff,” Castiel’s grunt was muffled by a pillow that had been left abandoned on the floor the night before. 

“Sorry!” Dean called as he walked awkwardly to the restroom, leaving Castiel with his face buried in a pillow on the floor while the other half of his body was still on the couch.

Dean managed to calm his erection down and he got out of the bathroom after his morning functions. In the meantime, Castiel had managed to arrange himself back on the couch, with an arm slung over the back to watch Dean when he came out.

“Breakfast coming right up,” Dean said casually.

“Mm-hmm,” was all the noise Cas made as he kept staring after Dean, his hair messed up from nuzzling against Dean’s chest and an unfairly attractive red crease mark on his cheek from where Dean’s shirt had crumpled during the night.

Castiel’s dress-shirt was misplaced and Dean could see Cas’ right hipbone clearly from where his shirt had ridden upwards. Dean realized he’d been staring again and looked in the refrigerator for eggs and bacon. Luckily, he still had some tomatoes and green peppers despite Sam having visited the day before. Dean cut the bacon and vegetables into bits and made them both omelets, and refilling the coffee pot while Castiel was in the restroom.

“Thank you,” Castiel said politely when he came out of the bathroom and sat at the counter where Dean had set Castiel’s plate.

“Yep,” Dean responded cheerfully with a smile and a wink, earning a small smile from Castiel.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Cas inquired.

“What kind of question is that? Of course I’m going to eat! You know me better than that by now,” Dean teased.

“You always surprise me Dean Winchester.” Castiel said softly with a smile as he took a testing sip from his coffee.

Dean made eye contact with Castiel again and he wasn’t sure how long they’d been staring at each other until the bread he had put in the toaster popped up loudly in their silence.

“Here,” Dean said as he passed the toast to Cas. Castiel simply nodded and helped himself.

“You were going to eat?” Castiel remarked questioningly after Dean had been staring into the sink for a few seconds. 

“Yea, I made myself an omelet too,” Dean replied as he turned to the pan and gently slid said omelet onto the plate he had taken out earlier.

“I enjoyed yesterday’s outing very much,” Castiel said as he munched on some toast.

“Yea, me too.” Dean replied awkwardly.

“I would like to do it again some time.” Castiel said as calm as ever keeping his focus on Dean while eating his breakfast.

“Yea, I mean we still got five more Star Wars movies to go and I haven’t showed you everything there is to know about life yet.” Dean laughed out as calmly as possible

“Yes, I would like that.” Castiel responded with a soft smile.

“Uh-huh,” Dean muttered as he stared at his omelet and stabbed at it with his fork.

“Dean, are you uncomfortable?” Dean asked putting down his own kitchen utensil.

“What? Me? No.” Dean replied avoiding Castiel’s eyes.

“Alright…” Castiel drifted off looking down.

They ate in silence and Dean picked up their plates when he was done. Castiel had insisted on washing his own plate but Dean was more stubborn and pushed Cas back into the living room.

“I should probably go home now,” Castiel said when Dean had finished cleaning up.

“What? Why?” Dean asked, his heart starting to beat frantically in his chest.

“I need to take a shower and change,” Castiel explained politely. “I hadn’t expected to spend the night. Although it was a very pleasant and I enjoyed it, I should get going back to my own apartment.”

Dean was unsure of letting Castiel leave him yet. “You could shower here and borrow some clothes if you want,” he offered casually.

“Thank you Dean, but I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you,” Castiel said uncertainly.

“No inconvenience here, but if it inconveniences you then that’s another story, I was just thinking that maybe we could save gas money and either stay in or just take my car or whatever.” Dean said shyly.

“You don’t have plans for the weekend?” Castiel asked, head tilted in that signature way of innocence that was Cas.

“Um, no. Do you?” Dean asked.

Castiel smiled teasingly at Dean, “I think we’ve already established I don’t do much outside of my classes.”

Dean smiled back, “Yea, I forgot you’re Mr. Anti-social.”

“That’s not my last name,” Castiel said confused.

“I was teasing you Cas,” Dean said patiently, but he already noticed Castiel’s lips curling into a sly smile before he finished speaking.

Cas laughed a little at that and decided to spend the day with Dean. It was Sunday anyways so he accepted Dean’s offer and told him he appreciated borrowing his clothes before he got into the bathroom. Dean told him that there were clean towels under the sink and Cas got into the shower.

Dean cleaned up around the apartment while Castiel showered, having insisted that he would shower in the night. Dean heard the bathroom door open after the water shut off and caught a glimpse of Cas walking out with only a towel around his waist to get to Dean’s room and choose something to wear.

Dean’s mind froze at he stared at his closed bedroom door and realized that Cas was naked in his room. He snapped out of his daze quickly with the thudding of the sofa on his foot. He had been using a small vacuum to clean out the popcorn and candies from the previous nights when he had been distracted by Cas walking around in a towel. Dean cursed silently and went back to his cleaning.

He had barely finished when Castiel came out of Dean’s room dressed in one of Dean’s gray t-shirts fitting Cas loosely and a pair of Dean’s tighter fitting jeans that fit Castiel surprisingly well.

“You have soft clothing,” Castiel commented as he looked at Dean.

He pulled the shirt’s collar up to his nose and smelled it, looking up at Dean through thick lashes. “And they smell good, like you.”

Dean hardly registered what Cas had said until he saw the other man’s cheeks turning a light pink. 

“Thanks,” Dean replied simply. He cleared his throat and looked at the floor. “I gotta get changed too, but I’ll be quick.”

“Alright,” Castiel said with a shy smile, walking over to the organized DVDs in the television furniture’s cabinet.

“You look good,” Dean said casually as he walked to his room to change, leaving Castiel a bit flustered.

~

When Dean finished changing, he walked out into his living room to find Castiel hunched over on the couch with his head in one hand and his phone in his other against his ear.

“Yes, I understand.” Castiel’s voice said stiffly.

Dean looked closer at Cas and saw that he looked annoyed.

“No, it won’t happen again.” Castiel responded to whoever was on the phone.

“Yes, I understand.” Castiel repeated.

“I’ll go next week.” Cas sighed before hanging up.

“What was that about?” Dean asked curiously.

“Nothing of too much importance,” Castiel replied looking at Dean expressionless.

“Okay. Alright well, what do you wanna do?” Dean asked looking around the apartment.

“What do you usually do on Sundays?” Castiel asked back.

“Well I usually stay home and watch something but I’m not in the mood for that right now,” Dean answered. “What about you? What do you usually do?”

Castiel looked to the door, “I usually go to church on Sundays with my family.”

“Oh.” Dean responded looking down. “Is that what your phone-call was about?”

“Yes.” Castiel sighed. “I didn’t go and my brother called to lecture me.”

“Geez, I’m sorry Cas,” Dean said feeling guilty.

“It was my own choice not to go.” Castiel replied. “It’s not your fault, Dean.”

“Yea but-” Dean started.

“I make my own choices.” Cas cut him off.

“Okay,” Dean said nodding his head.

Castiel sighed and looked down. “I’m sorry. Things get complicated when I talk about my family.”

“It’s okay Cas.” Dean said quietly.

“To be honest, I have been thinking about not attending church for some time now.” Castiel explained. “It doesn’t seem to be quite so important anymore.”

“I’ve haven’t really gone to church since my mom died.” Dean said thoughtfully.

“Is it because she died?” Castiel asked softly.

Dean looked up. He hadn’t noticed he’d said it out loud.

“Yea I guess.” Dean answered carefully. “My dad wasn’t really one for praying and he stopped all together after her funeral so I guess it was.”

“I’m sorry Dean.” Castiel said gently.

“Don’t worry about it Cas,” Dean shrugged.

“How old were you when she passed?” Castiel asked gingerly.

“I was four years old, Sammy was barely six months.” Dean replied looking back down.

“You seem to miss her a lot.” Castiel observed.

“Yea, but I think the worst part is that Sam had to grow up without her.” Dean said sadly, still not looking up.

“He has you.” Castiel smiled softly at Dean.

Dean looked up and met Castiel’s smile with his own small one.

“So that’s enough about me.” Dean said. “What’s your story?”

“There isn’t much to tell,” Castiel replied evasively.

“I strongly doubt that.” Dean laughed gently.

“I have four brothers and I was raised in a religious family.” Castiel replied.

“I got the religious family bit,” Dean said with a smile he hoped made Castiel feel more comfortable.

“Yes, well my oldest brother is Michael. The one who told me about your situation a few months ago,” Castiel stated, feeling strange opening up to Dean. “Then there’s Gabriel, Lucian, and Uriel.”

“Fancy names,” Dean said lightly.

“Uriel is the one who called me on the phone just now,” Castiel explained. “He’s very self-righteous and very prideful. At times it seems that he only continues to attend because he feels superior to others.”

“He probably does,” Dean chipped in.

“Lucian no longer joins us.” Castiel said looking down. “My father and Michael shunned him when he revealed to them that he is a homosexual.”

Castiel didn’t say anything for a while, and Dean didn’t know how to respond considering that they had just cuddled on the couch the night before. So Cas wasn’t gay, and if he was then his family would shun him? Dean wasn’t sure how to feel.

“Gabriel left after that,” Castiel said after their moment of silence. “He said he was tired of the fighting between my brothers and wanted no part in the family dramas. He stopped attending church after my father left, and he called Michael a hypocrite before leaving for college. I haven’t seen him since but I’m positive that he is doing well.”

“Damn.” Dean said as laid a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “That’s a pretty messed up family you got there Cas.”

“Everyone has problems Dean.” Castiel replied with a shrug.

“Yea, but you’ve grown up in a pretty jacked environment.” Dean clarified.

“I never had a problem with my brothers. It’s always been them amongst themselves.” Castiel explained.

“And how do they treat you?” Dean asked.

“I don’t understand your question.” Castiel said annoyed.

“I mean, do they treat you like they treat each other? Because you seem really patient and they might be abusing that.” Dean replied.

“No one is abusing me Dean.” Castiel huffed. “And no one makes me do things I don’t want to do.”

“How’d you feel when your brother Lucian was kicked out for being queer?” Dean asked, getting upset with Castiel’s family.

“I felt nothing.” Cas retorted. “I was young. I hardly remember it.”

“Well then, how do you feel about it now?” Dean asked a bit loud.

“It had to be done, and even if he hadn’t come out, they still wouldn’t have let him stay because he is a bad person. He deals drugs and he’s the reason why Michael knew about you!” Castiel yelled back.

Dean’s mind raced with questions. “What?”

“Nothing,” Castiel’s voice was lower than usual and he didn’t look Dean in the eyes.

“No. Tell me what you meant Cas.” Dean demanded, his temper getting the best of him in his confusion.

“I should go.” Castiel stated as he grabbed his coat off of a chair and quickly walked out of the apartment, leaving a confused Dean sitting alone on the couch with a billion questions.

“Son of a bitch!” Dean yelled, trying to quell his anger.

~

“So he didn’t say anything else, he just walked out?” Sam asked a very upset Dean.

Dean rolled out from under a car he was working on at Bobby’s.

“Yep,” he responded gruffly, sitting up and taking the beer Sam offered him.

“That’s it? No explanations or telling you what he knows about what happened?” Sam queried, face scrunched up in confusion.

“Nope,” Dean replied, taking a drink from his beer.

“Damn. That sucks.” Sam stated, taking a drink from his own beer.

“I’m not gonna worry about it.” Dean said, grabbing another tool to take under the car with him and fix another problem.

“But Dean, he might know something useful. Or know what happened to Alastair after he broke out of prison.” Sam started. “Dean, he might know a bunch of things that could be helpful in case Alastair comes after you.”

“Yea, maybe,” Dean said with a grunt as he worked under the car. “But he won’t say anything.”

“Maybe you just need to talk to him again.” Sam offered.

“I’m not gonna look for him okay?” Dean replied bad-temperedly. “He has my number, and I did the best I could. I talked to him and it was going pretty great until he dropped that bomb on me and then left like he had a right to be upset.”

“Well you gotta try and see things from his perspective Dean,” Sam said. “You weren’t asking about just anyone. You were asking him personal questions about his family and it’s not like you’re a very open person about that same subject.”

“Things were going smoothly until then.” Dean said avoiding telling Sam about his own personal sharing. 

“C’mon Dean, you have to at least try to understand how he feels.” Sam told him.

“Yea? Well how about him understanding how I feel? Why doesn’t he have to do that Sam?” Dean asked, rolling out and sitting back up to look at Sammy.

“Well why’d you have to bring up his family anyways?” Sam asked patiently.

“Because they all seem like a bunch of homophobic dicks and Cas doesn’t deserve that.” Dean yelled at Sam.

Sam made his thinking face and, very cautiously, asked Dean, “Why do you care so much?”

“Because: he’s a good guy, okay? He’s nerdy and weird and can be a dick, but he’s a good person.” Dean explained softly. 

“Do you love him?” Sam asked quickly. 

“NO. I don’t love him. What the hell is wrong with you? Not to say that I couldn’t, but dammit Sammy, things are new and weird okay? He might have a cool personality, but I don’t know him that well and I’m not anywhere near in love with him. This isn’t a Disney movie.” Dean said looking frustrated at Sam like he was the biggest idiot in the world. Honestly, Dean pretty much thought that nobody was stupider than his little brother at that moment.

“Are you sure? I mean he did save your life and you thought you’d never see him again, but then you guys just coincidentally meet up while you’re doing something you didn’t want to do and-” Sam teased.

“Shut up Sam,” Dean interjected before he could say anything else.

“Sorry, it’s just that you seem to care more about this guy than you’ve ever cared about somebody without a little bit of help first.” Sam replied defensively.

“Caring about somebody’s well-being when they grew up like Cas did, doesn’t automatically mean I’m in love with him. It means I have a soul.” Dean stated.

“I thought you sold that,” Sam teased.

“Probably to save your sorry ass,” Dean retorted with a shove at Sam.

“My ass is fine.” Sammy responded in a mocking tone.

“You’re welcome then.” Dean said smiling and lying back down under the car.

“Hey,” Sam said, kicking Dean’s knees playfully.

They left the conversation at that, and enjoyed the rest of the day teasing each other and laughing. The subject was still in the back of their minds, but Sam knew that Dean didn’t want to talk about it and there was nothing left to do, whereas Dean was being stubborn and decided he wouldn’t be the one to call Castiel first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, there. I'll post the next chapter as soon as possible.


	7. Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving at Dean's apartment with the gang :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this chapter more from Castiel's perspective because it needed to be done.

Dean was leaving everything up to Castiel. He had opened up, if only slightly, and Castiel had shut him out. They had a deal: Dean wouldn’t shut Cas out, and Castiel wouldn’t shut Dean out. So much for that.

Dean wasn’t sure where it had all gone wrong really. He told Castiel about his mom (which was something he didn’t even talk about with Sammy) because he had asked, but when Castiel brought up his siblings involvement in Dean’s life, he couldn’t open up about it and then decided he could hide things from Dean and get mad about it.

Life isn’t fair.

Dean made an effort and now it was Castiel’s turn. Yea, he missed the stupid bastard but he wasn’t gonna do anything about it. He still had his pride and his temper, besides, he wasn’t going to call Castiel and apologize for something that hadn’t been his fault.

Monday and Tuesday went by with a few visits from Sam to check and see how he was holding up. 

“I’m fine Sammy, I’ll see you on Thanksgiving. Now just let me work so I can have my four-day weekend okay?” Dean was losing his patience and Sam wouldn’t leave him alone about it.

“Alright, fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Sam replied, walking away with a wave.

~

Dean was stressing. It was his and Sammy’s turn to host the Thanksgiving Dinner and he wasn’t ready and Sam wasn’t there yet.

“Dammit!” He yelled angrily, realizing that he didn’t have enough marshmallows. 

THERE ARE NEVER ENOUGH MARSHMALLOWS!!!

They had to host it at Dean’s apartment because he was the only one that actually cleaned his living space. Moving around the country with their dad, Sammy had been used to leaving his mess in the motel rooms they would stay in, and whatever messes they did have, Dean got used to cleaning up for the three of them. 

They might’ve shared an apartment if Dean’s OCD hadn’t gotten the better of him and dragged Sam to the laundry room and tried to shove him in the washing machine during a meltdown he had when visiting Sammy at his Stanford dorm (which was horribly messy by the way). 

“WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?” Dean yelled frantically when Sam called.

“I’m on my way now, I just thought you might want some more marshmallows.” Sam replied coolly.

“Yes, but now I need you to get your ass over here and help me set up more decorations.” Dean said trying to calm down.

“On my way,” Sam responded before hanging up the phone.

Then the doorbell rang and Dean nearly jumped out of his skin.

“WHO THE FUCK IS IT?!” he yelled, more on accident than anything.

He flung the door open to find Castiel staring at him blankly.

“Castiel.” Dean said looking down.

“I can come back another time.” Castiel said awkwardly turning to leave.

“Fuck,” Dean said turning to look at the man and yank him inside. “Don’t you fucking dare!”

Castiel was thrown off by the sudden movement and stared at Dean questioningly.

“I don’t care why you’re here. We can talk while we work.” Dean stated firmly, shoving decorations into Castiel’s arms.

Castiel fumbled with the decorations and looked around for where to set them up.

“I came because you invited me the last time we spoke,” he said, placing a decorative turkey on a bookshelf.

“I didn’t think you’d come after what happened.” Dean said indifferently, checking the oven temperatures for the turkey.

“I don’t think that a friendship would be ruined over someone losing their temper.” Castiel responded innocently.

“That’s usually what happens though,” Dean was scrubbing the countertop ferociously where some oil had spilled earlier.

“Oh,” Castiel said awkwardly.

“You gonna just stand there or are you gonna help?” Dean huffed impatiently.

“I suppose I should help.” Castiel replied.

Dean didn’t answer that. He took out a fancy new tablecloth that he had bought, out of a kitchen drawer and threw it at Castiel. Castiel obliged and arranged it on the table, placing a few decorations on it.

“It looks bigger than when I last saw it,” he said conversationally.

“Yea, it’s the kind of table that you can make bigger or smaller by adding or removing the middle parts.” Dean replied quickly, basting the turkey some more.

“Interesting.” Was all that Castiel replied before Sam came rushing in the door.

“I’m sorry I’m late but I brought the marshmallows.” He said nervously.

“I’m going to fucking murder you.” Dean said, his eyes confirming what he’d just said.

“Castiel?” Sam asked pointing at the man still in his trench coat, his lips in a questioning frown at Dean.

“Yea, he showed up after you called and he’s been doing your job for you while you’ve been late.” Dean said annoyed.

“But did he bring marshmallows?” Sam asked with a bright smile.

“Shut up and get to work.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“Sure thing, what do you want me to do?” Sam asked.

“Finish setting up the table and use the fancy plates that I keep in the cabinets above the fridge.” Dean demanded.

“And where is mom’s good silver?” Sam asked, already taking out the plates his brother wanted.

“They’re in the safe in my room, I’ll go get them.” Dean replied, already rushing to his bedroom.

“He’s a wreck,” Sam said conversationally while setting up the table.

Castiel had been standing watching the whole ordeal quietly.

“He seems upset, why is he doing this?” Castiel inquired calmly.

“It’s our turn and he hates my apartment,” Sam replied like it was a legitimate answer.

“But why stress so much over something that is supposed to be an enjoyable holiday?” Castiel asked.

“Well, back when I asked Dean a similar question, he said it’s because you enjoy things better after you’ve worked hard for them.” Sam said with a smirk.

“I suppose that makes sense.” Castiel replied softly.

Dean came out of his room in a rush.

“Alright, they’ve already been polished ‘cause I did that last night, but I can’t find the serviettes.” He said frustrated.

“Damn, I’m sorry Dean.” Sam said cautiously. “I have them at my apartment. I took them about a month ago when I had a date over.”

“Do they need to be cleaned?” Dean asked surprisingly calm.

“Yes…” Sam said as if Dean were a bomb waiting to be set off.

“Alright, go get them, I can finish up here and get the water ready to clean them, but I don’t know if we’ll have time to dry them.” Dean said thoughtfully.

“Okay.” Sam rushed out the door, making sure to be gone if Dean exploded again.

Dean paced calmly back to the oven and checked on his green-bean-casserole. He didn’t say anything to Cas, and Castiel stood quietly waiting to be told what to do. Dean worked in silence for the first few minutes, and Castiel was getting mildly concerned. Dean’s movements were fluid like he was getting lost in the process, but his shoulders were still tense and he seemed disturbed.

Dean stopped what he was doing when he was washing a pan he had used to fry the bacon the night before. He stood hunched over the sink and breathed in deeply. Castiel saw his shoulders shaking and thought Dean might be crying, but then he heard Dean laughing, getting louder until the noise stopped and Dean was a heap on the floor, laughing silently with tears coming out of his eyes.

Castiel moved to check on Dean, and when Dean saw him, his laugh faded. 

“You’re still here.” He said getting off of the floor.

“Yes.” Castiel confirmed.

“Why?” Dean asked, not unkindly, but still sharply.

“I suppose it’s because I haven’t been asked to leave.” Castiel replied, making Dean scoff at him.

“Didn’t stop you the last time,” Dean scoffed, his smile having faded and all humor in his eyes was dead.

“I’m sorry Dean.” Castiel said guiltily. 

“Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t really matter. You would’ve left eventually anyways.” Dean responded moving to check on the sweet potatoes.

“Well of course I couldn’t stay over here forever, but I could have left in a better way.” Castiel stated.

“That wasn’t- never mind.” Dean replied quietly.

“You don’t have napkins?” Castiel changed the subject.

“Serviettes,” Dean clarified. 

“Of course,” Castiel humored him. “What was so funny? If I may ask.”

“Nothin’, just I figure laughing is a better alternative to what I really felt like doing.” Dean answered.

“What did you really feel like doing?” Castiel asked softly.

Dean’s temper overcame his patience and he threw a wooden spoon he had just washed across the room. The abrupt and unexpected movement startled Castiel but he didn’t flinch. Dean felt like strangling the fucking asshole and dumping his body someplace nobody could find it.

“I FEEL LIKE FUCKING KILLING YOU CASTIEL!” Dean yelled angrily, stepping close into the other man’s face.

“Why?” Castiel asked calmly, tilting his head and squinting his eyes in confusion.

“BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME TELL YOU THINGS AND YOU DON’T FUCKING RETURN THE DAMN FAVOR!” Dean yelled, stepping back and shutting his eyes tightly, his jaw tightening.

“What are you talking about?” Castiel asked, his own patience growing thin, but his confusion taking over.

“I don’t talk about her. I don’t. And then you come along and things are fine and we agreed not to shut the other out and I should’ve known better but dammit, you looked at me and I thought you were telling the truth.” Dean’s entire body went lax in defeat and he felt like he could hardly hold himself upright.

“Is this about what happened on Sunday?” Castiel inquired gingerly.

“Yea Castiel, it’s about Sunday.” Dean said humorlessly.

“Cas,” The other man corrected quietly. It felt weird for Dean to call him by his birth-given name. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would affect you so much.”

“It didn’t, I’m just stressed. I need to make sure my turkey doesn’t dry up.” Dean said turning away.

“Alright,” Castiel obliged softly.

Castiel didn’t know the first thing about cooking, but he followed orders well and so he helped Dean in the kitchen. The lull in the conversation was peaceful, neither of them really wanting to disrupt the silence until Sam came back.

“I got them, and all of them are cleaned except for the two I used.” Sam said when he got back.

“Give them to Cas, he just looked up how to shape them into birds so he’ll set them up. Meanwhile, you should probably get dressed since Ellen and Jo are gonna be here in a while.” Dean said taking the two used serviettes to the sink to clean them.

“Okay. Do I still have clothing in the guestroom?” Sam asked.

“Well duh,” Dean mocked his brother. “I wasn’t gonna make you go back to your apartment again.” 

“Well are you sure I have presentable clothing in there?” Sam asked.

“Yea I jacked a few of your good shirts on Tuesday when you were out ’cause I knew you’d be over here to get ready and that you’d forget to bring a change of clothes.” Dean smiled at his little brother.

“Thanks,” Sam said as he walked to the guest bedroom and closed the door.

Dean started scrubbing at the small cloth pieces and then hung them up to dry. He moved over to the stereo and played some Metallica before going to the bathroom to get a blow-dryer.

Castiel was having a difficult time with the serviettes and Dean took pity on him.

“Here,” he handed Cas the blow-dryer. “Take care of those, but keep it on the low setting okay? I’ll handle these.”

“Alright,” Castiel replied with a small smile of relief.

Dean took to shaping them quickly and Castiel had dried the other two surprisingly fast before there was a knock on the door.

“It’s open,” Dean yelled to the door as he placed the last bird-shaped napkin on the table.

“Dean Winchester is that any way to greet your guests?” A dark brown haired middle-aged woman scolded as she entered, followed by a teenaged blond girl whose eyes followed Dean’s movements with adoration.

“Hi Ellen,” Dean said playfully annoyed as he wrapped the older lady in a tender hug.

“What about me?” The young girl teased with a punch to his arm.

“You get nothin’,” Dean shoved her slightly with a smile.

“Get over here,” She said as she jumped up to hug him around the neck.

“Alright. That’s enough Jo,” Dean said, but his arms wrapped around her thin frame anyways.

“Who’s this?” Ellen asked abruptly.

“This is Castiel,” Dean introduced as he went over to stand next to his awkward friend.

“Odd name,” Jo said, smiling politely.

“Cas, meet Ellen and Jo,” Dean said, pointing each one out.

“Hello,” Castiel said firmly.

The lack of Castiel’s usual smile surprised Dean, especially since it was replaced with a blank expression.

“You guys go ahead and sit down. I can turn off the music if you guys are into watching the parade and whatever.” Dean said handing Ellen and Jo the television remote.

“We don’t watch the parade but you should still turn your noise off,” Ellen teased.

“Sure thing,” Dean smiled at her before pressing the power button on the stereo.

He walked over to an expressionless Castiel.

“What’s up man?” he asked in a low voice when Ellen had turned on the television set.

“Nothing of importance,” was Castiel’s stony reply.

“You wanna shut me out, fine. I got other things to worry about,” Dean said impatiently as he took out the already ready dishes out of the oven.

“I feel out of place,” Castiel admitted softly as he helped arrange the food dishes on the countertop buffet style.

“Well go mingle, I don’t have much left to do here and Jo will probably talk your ears off before you can say ‘hi’,” Dean teased.

“I’d much rather be here and help you,” Castiel said, moving the mashed potatoes next to the corn.

“Okay well, if you’re more comfortable that way fine, but I’m gonna need to change before Bobby or Ash get here so learn to converse with other people.” Dean replied.

“I can finish arranging these for you while you change if you’d like,” Castiel offered.

“Anything to avoid talking to people huh?” Dean teased. “Okay, thanks Cas.”

Dean went to his room and soon Castiel saw him head to the restroom and heard the shower start. Sam came out of the other room shortly after that and sneaked up behind Ellen to surprise her.

“I saw you walking around behind me you overgrown child,” Ellen said before Sam had managed to tap her shoulder.

“Hi Ellen,” Sam said bashfully as he walked around the couch and sat between the two ladies.

He hugged them both and extended his arms around them on the back of the couch.

Dean didn’t take very long in showering, and he ducked his head out to see if Ellen or Jo was looking in his direction. Jo turned around and saw him, but Ellen was more focused on the television. 

Castiel saw the conflict in Jo’s eyes of whether to keep staring or to turn back towards the television. Her face went red and she turned away with an embarrassed smile that Dean smirked at. He came out of the bathroom in his bathrobe, and Castiel saw Jo look back at him when he had turned to open the door to his room.

Castiel had decided to stay in the kitchen while Dean changed and Sam watched television with the guests. Dean came out dressed in a well-fitting dark green plaid shirt that brought out the color of his eyes and outlined his muscles well. He was wearing some black jeans that fit him nicely and outlined the bowed-legs that Castiel hadn’t noticed before. Dean was wearing some comfortable looking steel-toed work boots that seemed a bit too quiet when he walked forward. 

Castiel admired him with a smile and considered how underdressed he must look as he noticed Jo wearing jeans but a fancy top that brought some attention to her chest, Ellen wearing seemingly normal clothing but a simple necklace around her neck and a bit of make-up. Sam was wearing a plaid yellow shirt that Dean had obviously ironed for him, with some loose fitting but clean new jeans and a pair of cowboy boots with a slight heel that Castiel found completely unnecessary.

“You wanna borrow something?” Dean said, having showed up behind Castiel.

“What?” Castiel asked, not understanding Dean’s question.

“I saw you looking us over and I figured you either think we’re all pretty sexy, or you’re starting to feel uncomfortable in your own skin.” Dean explained smiling.

“You all seem to be wearing less ordinary clothing than usual,” Castiel told Dean.

“Yea, well the holidays are kinda supposed to make you dress up.” Dean said with a smile.

“Oh,” Castiel replied softly.

“C’mon,” Dean said shoving Castiel towards his room.

Dean made Castiel try everything that might fit him, which wasn’t a lot, so Dean told Cas to give him his pants so he could iron them while Cas picked out one of Dean’s clean dress shirts to wear.

Castiel had objected and Dean had had to argue with Cas about being presentable and one wrinkle that had been driving him insane all day. In the end, Dean got the pants from a very reluctant Castiel and ironed them facing away from the closet as Castiel fidgeted and complained about getting his pants back.

Dean placed a hand over his eyes when handing Cas his pants back, but he could still hear the shuffling and jumping of Castiel putting his pants on. 

“Alright,” Castiel said, informing Dean it was okay to look.

“You clean up good,” Dean said with a smile, glad that Castiel had chosen one of the blue dress shirts that brightened his eyes.

They stepped back out to find that Bobby and Ash had already gotten there and were complaining about not eating as soon as they got there. It was already past six o’clock and so they all chose their spots at the table, with Sam at the head and Dean and Jo at his sides, Castiel sitting next to Dean and Ash sitting next to Jo, then Bobby sitting next to Cas and Ellen sitting across from him. 

They all got up with their plates and lined up at the countertop to serve themselves. Dean threatened that if they weren’t orderly about it at least the first time, then they’d all starve and he’d eat it all by himself. 

Bobby had brought the soda drinks and Ash had brought the alcohol for the evening. Ellen and Jo didn’t have to bring anything since they had provided last year’s Thanksgiving meal, as was tradition.

Castiel spent the evening watching Dean converse with his friends and being more social than usual when Jo came up to ask him questions.  
Eventually, Bobby, Ash, and Sam had passed out on the couch, while Jo helped Dean pick up the plates and Ellen started putting the leftovers in the containers Dean had assigned to each different dish. Castiel had been surprised that there weren’t more leftovers considering the amount of food that Dean had made, but he supposed that Dean already knew how much they would eat.

Castiel went up to offer to help dry dishes as Jo was rubbing soap on Dean’s face.

“Stop it,” he said smiling while he rubbed it off and moved in onto her nose.

“Hey!” She laughed, slapping more onto his face.

“No, stop it! It’s not hygienic.” Dean said, half humoredly.

“Aw c’mon,” she said with a smile.

“I am comin’ on, it drives me crazy and I don’t want to have to rewash them when you leave.” He replied, still smiling, but Castiel could see annoyance building up.

“Alright I’ll behave. I thought you were a bad boy,” Jo said teasingly.

“Uh-huh,” Dean teased back. “You like bad boys.”

Jo blushed at that but she smiled brightly at him, rocking her body slightly towards him. Something in Castiel’s chest constricted and he stepped forward suddenly.

“Do you need help drying?” He offered.

“Sure, thanks Cas,” Dean said smiling at Cas gently.

Dean turned to point at Jo, “you can leave now and go cause problems for somebody else, like Sammy.” 

“But he’s a good kid that went to Stanford and wants to make a difference in the world.” She joked.

“Yea, but unlike me, he doesn’t have an obsession with cleaning so go bother him.” Dean said guiding her by the waist in Sam’s direction.

“Fine,” she pouted.

She walked away with a bit of a huff and sat on the floor looking through Dean’s movie collection.

“Thanks for saving me Cas,” Dean said with a slight shove at Castiel’s shoulder.

“It didn’t look like you needed saving,” Castiel replied, drying a dish that Dean passed him. “It seemed as though you were enjoying your flirtatious banter with her.”

“Jo’s a good kid, but it’s kinda weird,” Dean explained. “She’s more like a little sister to me but I know she’s got this massive crush on me too. It’s fun to mess around but I don’t want her to get the wrong impression or get hurt.”

“I understand,” Castiel said, unsure why a wave of relief washed over him. “You care about her but not in the way she might want you to.”

“Exactly,” Dean said. “It’s not like I haven’t thought about her like that once or twice, but it would always be weird. I’m also pretty scared of her mom but don’t tell her that.”

Castiel smiled and looked down with a chuckle at Dean’s comment and Dean couldn’t help but smile right along with him.

“Thank you for inviting me Dean,” Castiel said looking back into Dean’s eyes.

Neither of them said anything, or noticed that they weren’t saying anything. Dean was caught in the sapphires that were Castiel’s eyes, and Castiel got lost in the forest of green that were Dean’s.

“Yea,” Dean coughed, after he realized what happened. “It wasn’t a problem and I always make too much food anyways, at least this time me and Sam will only be eating turkey sandwiches for a week and not until Christmas.”

“Yes, well I’m glad I could be of service,” Cas replied softly.

The other men woke up after their short nap and they all drank the seemingly limitless supply of alcohol (mostly whiskey and beer) that Ash had provided. Castiel didn’t drink more than two beers, pacing himself despite Jo’s insistence on taking shots of the tequila. 

Eventually all of them were drunk, except for Castiel and Dean was only buzzed despite his giving in to Jo’s game.

“Alright, nobody is in any condition to drive so Sammy make the couch a bed and I’ll go get some blankets and the inflatable mattress,” Dean called out already opening the closet.

They set up the couch and the air mattress. Bobby took the couch because he was older and Dean made a few jokes about him not being able to get off the floor if he slept there. Sammy and Ash shared the air mattress because it was pretty big and neither of them were squeamish if Ash didn’t sleep in the nude.

Dean insisted that the ladies share the guest room, and he handed each of them a blanket, knowing they would keep everyone awake with their fighting over just one. Dean offered for Castiel to sleep in his room.

“I promise I won’t get frisky,” he teased.

“I feel safe enough to drive home,” Castiel responded. He shared beds with his brothers before, and it wasn’t like it would be the first time he slept in the same place as Dean, but the idea made him feel awkward suddenly.

“Nonsense Cas,” Dean replied joking. “The morning after breakfast is one of the best parts!”

“I’ll share with you and Cas can sleep with my mom,” Jo offered drunkenly.

“I would say sure, but I know you can’t make any promises about getting frisky,” Dean said with a laugh as he pushed her back into the spare room.

“Alright, but I’m not feeling very tired,” Castiel said reluctantly.

“Just get in here,” Dean said motioning towards the door.

Castiel gave in and entered the room. He’d been in the room earlier and when he’d changed his first morning there, but this time he actually looked around. 

There was an AC/DC poster hanging on the closet door, but mostly the decoration was knives and different weapons that Dean kept clean and hanging on the walls of the room. There was a small photo album next to the bed, which had simple white sheets and a blue comforter that looked new, or Dean had just kept it clean.

The walls weren’t white, but a homier shade of hazel, kind of the same color as Sam’s eyes when the light hit them a certain way. Dean noticed a small model car of a black 67 Chevy Impala four-door hardtop on a shelf between what Castiel could only assume were Dean’s favorite weapons. A small handgun with a white handle, maybe a Colt, but Cas didn’t know much about guns, and a small blade with carvings on it and a wooden handle.

He was still looking around and observing the room when he heard the zipping of a duffle-bag behind him.

“What are you doing?” Castiel asked when he saw Dean opening the window to the fire-escape.

“You said you aren’t tired, and neither of us is really drunk, so let’s go Black Friday shopping,” Dean insisted with a smile.

“What?” Castiel asked confused.

“Black Friday shopping for all the sales and whatever,” Dean explained.

“Yes but what about the others?” Castiel asked concerned.

“They all probably nodded off by now and we’ll be back before they wake up,” Dean said still smiling.

“Alright,” Castiel obliged, stepping closer to Dean by the window.

Dean was the first one out, and he helped Castiel land once he had managed to get out through the window. Dean grabbed the ladder and slid it downwards while still on it, and Castiel’s heart raced slightly in worry that he would hurt himself.

“C’mon,” Dean half-yelled half-whispered.

“I am, hold on,” Castiel said, making his way down the ladder slowly.

“We wanna be back before they wake up,” Dean clarified jokingly.

Castiel got down soon enough, and was startled when the ladder went back up to its place.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get back to my apartment without them noticing,” Dean reassured.

Then took the Impala and went to the mall. Dean practically ran over a few people in the stores because he was large, but he didn’t try or pay anybody any attention. Castiel is pretty tall too, but his calm nature got him pushed around until Dean said they were using the “Buddy-System” and grabbed his hand, walking him around the aisles asking his opinion on things and telling him he should probably do some Christmas shopping too.

Castiel watched in terror as a lady got pepper-sprayed in the eyes and cried for help and a police officer had to use his baton on an extremely uncooperative young man. All around him he saw chaos and he felt helpless at not being able to stop the suffering and the cries for help.

Castiel noticed Dean looking extremely uncomfortable in the midst of it, but trying to focus on whatever he was doing. Castiel felt his heart warm softly when Dean took a Barbie off of a high shelf for a short woman. Amongst all the fighting and the arguing, Dean seemed to be helping those that were smaller, without much thought or effort. Castiel admired how helping people was so easily in Dean’s nature, wishing that he could help people as effortlessly as Dean did.

Once Dean had what he wanted, he paid for them at a cash-register and guided Cas back to the car by the hand, using only his right hand to carry all of his bags. He put them all in the back seat of the car, and Castiel wondered why he hadn’t put them in the trunk.

They got back to the apartment before eleven a.m. and Castiel was exhausted. Dean had jumped high to get the ladder down and proceeded to climb stealthily and quietly despite carrying his new items in the duffle he had brought.

Just as Dean had promised, everyone was still asleep. Dean told Castiel that he could take the bed for a while, and that he wasn’t very tired. Castiel had heard Dean say that he had been busy all of the night before, and yet Dean still seemed to be running fine despite his lack of sleep.  
Dean left the room quietly before Castiel had even noticed, and when Castiel looked out the door to see what Dean was doing, he found the older Winchester leaving aspirins and cool cups of water on the coffee table for when the other men woke up, and then heading to the guest room with two more cups and a handful of aspirins.

Dean went back to his room after he finished his kind deed and asked why Cas hadn’t gone to bed yet.

“I’m not sure the time is right,” Castiel explained.

“Take a nap, I’ll wake you up when everybody else does,” Dean told him with a smile. 

“What about you?” Castiel inquired.

“I’ll be around,” Dean replied vaguely. “Just get in bed.”

Castiel obliged, taking his shoes off and looking at Dean questioningly before getting into bed.

“Well, take the jacket off,” Dean said amused.

Castiel blushed slightly and Dean moved to hang it on an empty hanger in his closet.

Once he’d gotten comfortable enough in bed, the other side dipped with Dean leaning on the headboard with his legs laid out comfortably over the blankets. Castiel turned to see Dean in a laidback position with his hands behind his head and his eyes were closed. 

Castiel turned his position towards Dean and couldn’t help watching him.

“That’s creepy you know,” Dean said, eyes still closed.

“I’m sorry,” Cas apologized, heat rising to his cheeks again. Odd how Dean was the only one that could make him blush.

“Mm-hmm,” Dean murmured smiling.

Castiel dozed off and fell asleep positioned towards Dean whose eyes hadn’t opened and yet seemed more watchful than usual.

He awoke with a slight shake of his shoulders from Dean, whom he was currently hugging around the waist. 

“C’mon, everybody’s up and moaning for breakfast, you gotta get up now too,” Dean said awkwardly. “It’s half past one and we don’t want them thinking you’re lazy.”

“Alright,” Castiel said, despite having only slept for a few hours, it had been a very restful sleep, just like the last time he’d been with Dean.

They made their way to the kitchen with the others and Dean set out to reheating the food.

“You are a saint!” Jo laughed when Dean had finished heating the food. 

She gave him a kiss on the cheek before thanking him for the aspirin and Castiel actually laughed out loud when Sam and Ash tried to do the same.

“Idjits,” Bobby called them when Sam and Ash got into a playful argument over who was more thankful.

“Yea, yea, everybody loves me, I got the message,” Dean said both arrogant and bashful at the same time. It was odd and intriguing to Castiel how Dean could express both simultaneously.

They ate their breakfasts and Dean made them all coffee to sober them up better.

“No lines to throw up in the bathroom today,” Dean stated firmly.

“Nobody here got that drunk Dean,” Jo chirped playfully.

“I did,” Ash put in helpfully with a burp.

“I can always count on you buddy,” Dean laughed.

Eventually they all left with a promise to be back later that day with a change of clothes. When Castiel asked about it, Dean explained they were staying the entire weekend and he was free to do the same if he wanted.

“I would like that,” Castiel said with a smile. “But I suppose I’ll need another change of clothing as well?”

“Awesome!” Dean replied happily. “You look pretty tired so I’ll drop you by your house or apartment or whatever if you want.”

“Yes, I would appreciate that, thank you.” Castiel responded gently.

Dean dropped Castiel off at his apartment building but Cas told him to wait in the car while he went to get the change of clothes. Dean waited patiently in the car and Castiel came back out shortly, slightly disturbed. They drove back in silence, and Dean didn’t ask, knowing how well that usually went.

“You don’t seem exhausted at all,” Castiel told Dean when they were back at Dean’s apartment.

“That’s because I’m not,” Dean replied with a small playful shove.

“I mean, you haven’t slept well and yet you seem to be alright,” Cas clarified.

“I’m just used to it I guess,” Dean answered vaguely.

“What do you mean,” Castiel inquired.

“Nothing,” Dean replied calmly. He wasn’t going to tell Cas anything. Not until the bastard learned to share.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get that Dean seemed a bit cold and less flustered than the other chapters but bear in mind that this is all from Castiel's perspective and he's having a hard time sorting out his own feelings right now. Not to mention, Dean was angry at Castiel and he has other things on his mind.


	8. After Thanksgiving and Mischief in the Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically the title sums it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually loved writing this chapter and I hope you guys love reading it :)

After taking Cas back to his apartment, Dean had practically forced Castiel to go back to sleep and told him not to get up until he was well rested and hungry. Castiel obliged eventually after arguing with Dean about what clothing went in hangers and drawers. He couldn’t understand why Dean had emptied a drawer and shoved the only t-shirt that Castiel had brought in there. 

Honestly, Dean wasn’t so sure about it himself, but he just said that it was because he didn’t like the idea of it getting wrinkled in a bag.

Castiel woke up around six p.m. and Dean had laid himself out on the couch and passed out. When Castiel woke up, he got up quietly and made his way as silent as possible to the kitchen. 

He clinked a glass on accident and immediately, Dean had reached for a gun under the couch and was pointing it at Castiel.

“Aw, shit.” Dean cursed, lowering his weapon. “Sorry Cas, reflex.”

Castiel stood stunned momentarily before grabbing the glass and serving himself water in it. Dean Winchester certainly was interesting.

“It’s my own fault,” Castiel said with a smile. “I shouldn’t have been so quiet. I just didn’t want to wake you up since you didn’t sleep last night.”

“Thanks,” Dean replied awkwardly. “That’s really considerate.” 

Dean really didn’t understand the first thing about Castiel. Honestly, if he had pointed a gun at any of the others, they would’ve beaten him down and wrestled it away from him, then given him hell about being so jumpy all the time.

“I am simply returning the favor,” Castiel said earnestly.

“Well, the others will be back soon but you want to try watching Episode V?” Dean asked, shaking away the moment of staring that was inevitable by now.

“Episode V of what?” Castiel asked back, confused.

“Star Wars man,” Dean laughed with a smile as he walked over to take out the DVD from where it was.

“Yes,” Castiel replied, meeting Dean’s smile. “I would like to try watching Episode V of Star Wars with you.”

“Alright,” Dean said popping in the DVD.

They sat down and watched it quietly. Dean said that they couldn’t have certain snacks because those were for when the others got back and Castiel simply nodded.

Dean kept to his side of the couch, comfortably leaning on the armrest away from Castiel, and Castiel, despite the odd inclination his body had of leaning towards the other man, kept to his own side as well and constantly squirmed seeing as he wasn’t comfortable for some reason.

Dean could see Cas moving and squirming and huffing, so he offered him pillows which Cas took willingly but he couldn’t sit still until he laid a pillow between him and Dean and decidedly leaned on it. 

“Comfy?” Dean chuckled at Castiel, seeing the angry and confused look on his face.

“Yes…” Castiel replied angrily, refusing to look at Dean.

“Good,” Dean said simply.

Castiel grunted at that and Dean looked at the top of his new friends head, confused by his weird behavior. 

The movie was almost over when Sam arrived with a look of self-disappointment whilst carrying a large bag of candy and junk food.

“Hold on Sammy,” Dean said holding a hand up. “OH MY GOD YOU JOINED THE DARK SIDE!!!” he yelled when he turned to look at his little brother.

“I don’t think he has,” Castiel said oblivious to anything other than the movie he was watching.

“No Cas,” Dean explained, distracting him momentarily. “Sammy has.”

“Oh. Sam you probably shouldn’t have,” Castiel said completely seriously and Dean couldn’t help laughing his face off at the pure sincerity in Castiel’s tone.

“I know I shouldn’t have. SHUT UP DEAN!” Sammy said frustrated. “I couldn’t help it okay? They had gummy bears and my mind went blank and the next thing I knew I was buying a load of this crap.”

“What?” Castiel asked completely thrown off.

“It was a joke Cas,” Dean explained, catching his breath. “He’s a health and fitness freak. He doesn’t eat junk and candy since it’s all beneath him, and he bought some today so I teased him a bit with a Star Wars reference.”

“Oh,” Cas responded, not quite understanding but he wasn’t gonna tell them that.

“Oh my God, Dean you have an obsession.” Sam interrupted, taking notice of what they were watching.

“Shut up,” Dean said defensively. “He hasn’t seen them yet so I’m just educating him. Don’t want him going through life not understanding Star Wars references, now do we?”

“Whatever,” Sammy replied. “You could’ve just let him borrow your DVDs and watch them on his own time.”

“But he wouldn’t be watching them right, with the proper snacking or the proper television,” Dean explained.

“Yea, okay. And you call me a nerd.” Sam scoffed.

“You are a nerd, bitch.” Dean said.

“Jerk,” Sam smiled.

Dean finished watching the movie with Castiel while Sam put the snacks into their officially assigned bowls. The others arrived with more beer and alcohol and snacks to munch on during the night.

~

After they had consumed all of the alcohol that they had all brought, Castiel was exhausted and had passed out on the floor where he had been sitting quietly next to Dean. He was unaware of the catcalls they received when Dean had picked him up bridal style and carried the unconscious lump to his room. He was also unaware when Dean had been very careful in stripping him down to his boxers and fitting the t-shirt on him before laying him down under the sheets.

Dean and the others didn’t go to sleep until six in the morning after a night of teasing Dean about bringing in a lightweight, to which Dean had defended saying that Castiel wasn’t an alcoholic like them but that didn’t make him a lightweight. To be honest, Dean thought he did pretty well.

Ash and Jo asked constant questions about Castiel, and Dean told them the bare minimum of what he knew, knowing that Castiel’s life was a very private matter to him. Jo had been frustrated and had asked if Dean was interested in Cas romantically when she got drunk enough. Ellen had scolded her and apologized, saying that Jo was still just a girl and wasn’t usually allowed to drink.

Everyone (except Bobby who couldn’t really care less) was curious though, but Dean said he had no such intentions.

“Cas is really cool, he’s just a bit shy and awkward is all,” Dean explained.

“He doesn’t talk much though, and he only smiles when somebody cracks a joke that you laugh at and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even get them.” Jo responded.

“It’s no secret that Dean’s got a great laugh that makes people laugh right along,” Ash intervened helpfully.

“Yea but he looks at Dean kinda confused but also like he wants to kiss him and it makes him mad.” Jo slurred out.

“Johanna Beth, I think that’s enough,” Ellen snapped. “Besides, whether Castiel likes Dean or not is none of our business. Poor boy probably isn’t even sure himself so I don’t want to hear another word about this come out of your mouth, you hear?”

An awkward silence fell over the group. Everyone was unsure of whether Jo would yell back or give up. She simply nodded and with that, Ash had had enough for the night.

“Well this has been an eventful evening, goodnight fellas.” He said as he set up his side of the air mattress and got in.

“I should probably go to sleep now too, before he takes up the whole mattress.” Sam said getting up.

“I’ll help you with the sofa, Bobby.” Dean offered when Jo and Ellen had also excused themselves to the guest room.

Dean couldn’t help thinking over what the others had said about Cas. It wasn’t like he didn’t like the idea of him and Cas, but he knew they couldn’t have a proper romantic relationship if Cas didn’t share his family story. Dean had always believed that, and it’s what usually ruined his other relationships. But Dean wasn’t going to ask for more than friendship, it’s the only thing he could offer.

Dean climbed into his bed after discarding all his clothing except his t-shirt and boxers. He slept under the sheets this time and threw an extra blanket on the bed when he saw Castiel shivering in his sleep.

~

The next day was similar to the night before, and Castiel went along with Dean when he left to the store again to buy more junk and beer. Dean had been very firm in stating they weren’t going to have anything stronger since they all needed their sleep cycles fixed by Monday.

~

Sunday came by and Dean waited for Castiel to leave to go to church, but Castiel never mentioned it.

The others left at noon, Ellen and Jo needing to get things ready at their Roadhouse before they reopened that night, and Ash going along with them. Bobby didn’t really have much to do, but he had insisted that he needed a proper sleep in a real bed with the proper lumps and back support.

The only ones that remained were Sam, Dean and Cas. Sam had left to get some of his case files and came back quickly while Castiel helped Dean pick up some of the mess. Dean had been stubborn about Cas not helping him, but Castiel had won the argument when he simply started picking things up and washing them the way he noticed that Dean had. 

They worked in relative silence, the sounds of vacuuming and water rushing accompanied with the occasional grumbling from Dean when Castiel didn’t do something right. Sam arrived in good time and laid his papers on the newly cleaned coffee table.

“So how’s the case going?” Dean asked conversationally while scrubbing at some spilled alcohol on the rug.

“Well, I think I have a chance at a plea bargain with a few hours of community service and paying back the money she stole,” Sam replied easily.

“Does she really have to give it back?” Dean asked sadly.

“Yea, and she stole a lot so I’m not sure if she _can_ pay it all back,” Sam said seriously.

“What if I help her out? I mean I got some money saved up,” Dean offered.

“Why would you do that? You don’t even know her.” Sam responded quizzically.

“I like her, I don’t know, she just has a good vibe.” Dean said casually.

Castiel looked up curiously. Dean liked a girl. Why did his stomach feel so weird?

“Dean, you haven’t even met her,” Sam clarified.

“Then I’ll meet her.” Dean said finally.

“Dude, it is a lot of money that she owes.” Sam said.

“I’m not saying I’ll give her all of it, but I’d like to help her out,” Dean shrugged.

“How much would you like to help her out?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know but I’ll just show up at your next court hearing thing and I’ll meet her and make a decision then.” Dean replied simply.

“Fine, but I don’t think you should be giving somebody you don’t even know money that you’ve been saving up and worked your ass off to get.” Sam said.

“Sammy, I actually would love nothing more than to get this money off my hands and helping out this girl seems the best way to go,” Dean replied.

“Why don’t you want to keep the money?” Sam asked, forgetting the papers momentarily to focus on Dean.

“Because I just don’t, alright?” Dean said, frustrated now.

“Dean…” Sam started.

“Nope, I just don’t and that’s the end of it.” Dean replied with finality.

“Okay,” Sam said, turning back to his papers.

Dean went to the kitchen where Castiel was looking at Dean’s cabinet chart of where all of the dishes went.

“This is a good system, very orderly.” Castiel commented when Dean passed by to the sink.

“Yea, it’s supposed to be,” Dean smiled at him.

“Why do you want to give that girl your money?” Castiel asked, turning to look Dean in the eyes.

“Nuh-uh. We aren’t doing this,” Dean said facing away from Castiel as he put a bowl in its assigned place.

“Why not?” Castiel was genuinely confused.

“Because we aren’t,” Dean huffed at him.

“Why are you upset?” Castiel asked.

“I’m not upset,” Dean replied curtly.

“You seem upset,” Castiel responded.

“That’s because the easiest way to make somebody mad or upset is to ask them if they are mad or upset,” Dean rejoined frustrated.

“Apologies,” Castiel said softly as he put a cup in its cabinet.

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean replied, his anger having simmered down.

A confused Castiel heard Sam chuckle from his place on the couch, then he saw Dean throw a fork at Sam’s head and then snicker. Sam rubbed at his head and muttered about having to rewash the fork.

“You two have a very odd relationship as brothers,” Castiel told Dean.

“No we don’t,” Dean smiled. “Well maybe, but we aren’t much different from other brothers that grew up to be close.”

“Yes, you are very close and you mock one another and can throw things at each other playfully,” Castiel observed.

“Well I can’t say I know a lot about being normal but I think me and Sam got the brotherly part down okay,” Dean replied happily.

“I don’t have that same closeness with my siblings,” Castiel said, unsure why his tone was sad.

Dean felt like Castiel had thrown him into a field of broken glass and expected him to walk around barefoot. He had no idea what he was doing, so he just decided to tread carefully.

“What do you mean?” Dean asked casually, but cautiously, ready to run away from the subject if Castiel got too uncomfortable.

Castiel had no such problems. He simply voiced his thoughts easily to Dean.

“Well I told you about my siblings always arguing, and despite them not getting into fights with me, I don’t have a personal closeness to any of them.” Castiel explained. “Lucian and Michael used to be close, until Luci got mixed in with all of his problems. After he left, Michael started bringing his friend Raphael to the house more frequently. My other brother, Gabriel, was always nice to me, and I am the youngest but he put me in charge of getting Uriel to places such as school or church on time. Gabriel left and Uriel stopped listening to me, saying that he was older and therefore he had authority over me and not the other way around.”

“Dick move,” Dean said empathetically.

Castiel’s voice had lowered and Sam couldn’t hear more than murmurings, but when he looked at his brother’s face, he knew it was probably best to stay out of it.

Castiel continued, his face now serious and less observational. “I’m the youngest and I suppose your closeness with your brother Sam confuses me somewhat because I’ve never had that.”

“Don’t worry about it Cas, not everyone is as co-dependent on their brother as Sammy and me,” Dean joked to lighten up the mood.

It worked somewhat, and Castiel gave a small chuckle at Dean’s joke.

The day was light after that and Dean and Cas sat down and watched Episode VI while Sam bitched about Dean being obsessed and dragging Castiel down with him. By the end of it, Sam had decided to stay and Castiel was getting ready to leave.

“Come by anytime Cas,” Dean said with a smile as he escorted Castiel out the door.

“I will make sure to call first,” Castiel replied with a small nod.

“Eh, I’m usually home when I’m not at work so just drop by any time after 7p.m.” Dean said.

“Alright. Goodnight Dean, Sam.” Castiel said with a nod at each.

He left with a small smile on his face and Dean had one to match when he closed the door.

“Dude you are so whipped.” Sam teased.

“Shut up bitch.” Dean snapped playfully.

“Jerk.” Was Sammy’s simple response.

~

The rest of November flew by with a few visits from Castiel every now and then. They had finished watching all of the Star Wars movies and Dean decided to introduce him to Firefly.

Dean had shown up for Sam’s plea bargain and he hit it off with Charlie. She was a feisty red-head that had the same love for Star Wars and LARPing and Cosplay that Dean had (if with a bit more passion). He offered her the money but she said she had it covered and they started hanging out at conventions, sometimes traveling together for a few hours to get to one.

Dean shared all of his adventures with Castiel, who for some reason was starting to resent this Charlie person. The feeling confused him because, he knew that he should like her and she sounded quite pleasant, but something in him turned and it took him a while until he realized it was jealousy. She was taking Dean’s time away from him. He found out when he had called Dean to find out that he was in the middle of battling some “knight” over “The Queen of Moons’” honor. 

Castiel hadn’t considered that Dean was his only real friend. So Castiel did the only thing he could think of that wouldn’t involve Charlie or Jo, or anyone that Dean might prefer to spend time with over Castiel. He knew it was wrong and he felt sorry for feeling the way he did, he knew it was selfish, but Dean helped him feel alive somehow, and Castiel couldn’t stand it when Dean had given up watching Firefly with Cas to meet William Shatner in a convention in LA.

Castiel invited Dean over to his family’s house for Christmas.

“What?” Dean had asked confused.

“You invited me for Thanksgiving and introduced me to your family and friends, so I feel I should return the gesture seeing as we are friends.” Castiel replied.

“Yea, but you didn’t really know how to celebrate Thanksgiving, well you never had, and so I had just kinda done it out of the blue.” Dean stumbled out.

“So it was a pity invite?” Castiel asked coldly.

“No.” Dean said frantically shaking his head.

“If you don’t want to come that’s fine,” Castiel replied, keeping the sad tone out of his voice and accidentally making it sound emotionless and stony.

“I want to come, really, but Sam really looks forward to Christmas with me, it’s the only holiday he actually gets really passionate about and he kinda has plans for just the two of us before we go to Bobby’s and we meet up with the gang.” Dean tried to explain.

“I understand you already have plans,” Castiel said dispassionately. 

Dean sighed and looked at his friend, “If I come, can I bring Sammy?”

“Yes of course, the invitation is for both you and your brother,” Castiel replied warmly.

“When and where?” Dean asked, meeting the smile that grew on Castiel’s face.

“I’ll send you the invitation by mail, you might need one to get in the house if I’m occupied when you get there,” Castiel said.

“Will there be snow? Sammy loves snow,” Dean asked.

“No, I’ve never seen snow,” Castiel replied casually.

“YOU’VE NEVER SEEN SNOW?” Dean accused.

“No…” Castiel replied confused.

“C’mon, we gotta go,” Dean said astounded as he grabbed Castiel by the mittens and shoved him into the car and drove before Castiel could get a word in edgewise.

Dean took them to the mountains, he’d put the proper gear on his Baby a week ago with Bobby. They got there and Castiel couldn’t see anything but white, and the beauty of it all amazed him. He really had missed a lot hadn’t he?

“It’s beautiful!” he exclaimed, unaware that he had sat up and was completely turned towards the window.

“Yea, it is,” Dean said softly as he parked the car someplace safe.

They got out and Castiel started shivering in his large trench-coat.

“Here,” Dean said as he pulled a large fluffy jacket from the backseat.

“Thank you but don’t you need one?” Castiel said.

“Nah, I got flannel under my jacket so I’m pretty good for now,” Dean smiled.

He led Cas to a small plain where it was pure, unadulterated snow, and grabbed some snow with his bare hands to make a snowball and threw it at Castiel.

Castiel was thrown off by the attack, but smiled when he saw Dean laughing at him. They played in the snow for a good while, throwing snowballs until Castiel couldn’t feel his fingers even in his mittens, and Dean making a large snowman and then grabbing its head and chucking it at Castiel. Cas fell back on the snow with the force of it, and Dean got an idea.

“Stay like that,” Dean said.

“Why?” Castiel inquired.

“Just stay there, now start moving your arm and legs like jumping jacks,” Dean said laughing.

Castiel did as he was told, but he wasn’t sure why. After a while, Dean told him he could get up and showed Castiel the form that he had made.

“It’s snow angel,” Dean laughed fondly.

“I made a snow angel,” Castiel said slowly.

“You _are_ a snow angel,” Dean said softly, turning to look at Castiel, whose face was merely inches away. 

They stared at each other again, and before Dean could think about it, he had cupped Castiel’s face in his hands and was leaning in. 

“ _My_ snow angel,” Dean said softly, his breath warm against Castiel’s face.

Castiel was terrified and unsure of what was going to happen, but then Dean did the strangest thing: 

_he rubbed their noses together_.

Dean had seen the look of terror on Castiel’s face and decided to play it cool. He knew what would happen if he kissed Cas and he wasn’t ready to lose a friend forever, so he rubbed their noses and ran off playfully.

Castiel followed numbly, for some strange reason he felt a deep disappointment along with the small feeling of relief. But he also felt loss, and the disappointment bothered him.

When he reached Dean, he was busying himself forming little blocks of snow and piling them on top of each other, so Castiel did the same, though he wasn’t sure why.

When Dean seemed content with what they had built, he crawled into the small “igloo” is what Dean had called it, and told Castiel to get it with him.

“What are we doing?” Castiel asked.

“We are enjoying the fruits of our labor, Cas.” Dean explained vaguely.

“And what is this igloo for?” Castiel asked curiously.

“We’re gonna live here like the Eskimos.” Dean said with a smile.

“I’m pretty sure we couldn’t live here Dean, we have homes and this isn’t very habitable.” Castiel said squirming in the small space.

“Fine, I’ll live here alone with my Eskimo wife and Eskimo children and you can’t visit us,” Dean pouted.

“I hardly think you could fit a family in here,” Castiel replied unmoved.

“I’ll make it bigger and I’ll live off the land and sleep outside if I have to,” Dean continued.

“That doesn’t sound very bright. You could die of pneumonia, or hypothermia.” Castiel had officially thought Dean had gone crazy.

“My wife wouldn’t let that happen,” Dean persisted.

“YOU DON’T HAVE A WIFE!” Castiel yelled, the sound echoing loud in the small space.

“I’ll make myself one, like the snowman I made earlier,” Dean retorted.

“Dean…” Castiel was very worried now.

“Caaaassss….” Dean teased.

“I think you should get out of the igloo,” Castiel suggested slowly.

“You can’t force me out of my own home!” Dean replied defensively, crossing his arms like a child. 

“Maybe not, but I can do something else,” Cas said as he struggled to get out, but Dean was holding him by the coat.

“Don’t leave,” Dean pleaded.

“I have to, for your own good.” Castiel replied and tried to force himself away from Dean.

They struggled for a while, until Castiel settled on destroying the igloo from the inside out. It was the only thing left to do.

Dean was having fun messing with Castiel. The guy was genuinely worried about him now and Dean knew that he was gonna destroy the igloo, so they struggled until Castiel hit the top of the igloo with his back and there was a cracking sound.

“Dammit Cas, you shouldn’t do that, it’s all frozen together now,” Dean said once Castiel had gone limp in his arms and made the space even more cramped.

“You can’t stay in here,” Castiel said frustrated as he looked up at Dean. 

Dean was smiling. Dean was _laughing_. Dean was a piece of garbage.

“You were pretending.” Castiel said still on his back.

“Yea, but I didn’t think you’d try to destroy a man’s home,” Dean teased.

Castiel grumbled and squirmed out of the igloo, grabbing Dean’s boot away from his foot before Dean could say anything and smacking it harshly against the snow building. He hit the top hard again and it crumbled on top of Dean before he could get out, completely covering him in the white snow.

Castiel threw the shoe next to Dean and waited until Dean had put it on and had shaken off most of the snow. Dean took it good-humoredly and wrapped an arm around Castiel’s shoulder as he laughed. Castiel couldn’t help smiling up at Dean as they walked back to Dean’s car. It was late now, and Dean wanted to take Castiel back home in time to sleep before his morning classes.

Dean dropped Castiel off and drove back home to his apartment. He’d had a great day with Castiel, but he wouldn’t forget the urge that he’d had to simply kiss the other man senseless right there in the isolated field covered in snow, where it was just the two of them and no prying eyes to judge them or say anything. But Castiel didn’t want anything more, and Dean was fine with simply being Castiel’s friend. Castiel was now Dean’s “Snow Angel” and there was nothing Dean could do to fight against having dreams of him and Castiel kissing in the snow like there was no tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Castiel had also been thinking about what had happened, and before he went to bed, he had researched rubbing noses and discovered that Dean had given him an “Eskimo Kiss” and built them a home and called him his “Snow Angel.” Castiel knew that Dean was flirtatious, and the events should have thrown Castiel off, but something in his stomach loosened while a peculiar warmth spread out through his entire body, and although it felt odd, it was also very pleasant. Nobody had ever made Castiel feel so good or so confused before, and the feeling was exhilarating. That night, he dreamt of them living in a house made of snow and Dean rubbing his nose against Castiel’s before he set out to “live off the land.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I should stop asking but: comments?


	9. Lights and Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has some idea for the lights show.

Castiel woke up to a text from Dean. Before he could read it, he saw that it was from Dean and something in his chest... well the only proper phrasing is that: his heart fluttered.

_Hey Cas, ya busy?_

Castiel stared at the text. This past week, since his trip to the mountains with Dean, his dreams had been getting stranger... 

_Not particularly, it is Saturday and I've barely woken up. Why?_ _  
_

Castiel responded.

_Just wondering if you wanted to go see the Christmas lights show :)_

Dean replied.

Castiel considered it thoughtfully before quickly texting back:

_I would like that._

Castiel got out of bed and got dressed, waiting for Dean to text back and say when he would be there to pick him up, but he'd barely finished putting his pants up when there was a knock on his apartment door.

He rushed to the door, jumping as he tried to zip up his fly.

"Hiya," Sam said bashfully when Castiel answered the door.

"He opened the door yet?" Dean called from the vending machines down the hall in Castiel's apartment building.

"Yes, I have." Castiel said as he called back to Dean.

Dean sauntered over, not having found anything interesting to eat.

"What's up, Cas? Aren't you gonna invite us in?" Dean asked with a wide grin.

"You don't have to, I didn't know we would be surprising you until I saw Dean texting you when we got here, sorry." Sam apologized.

Castiel was a bit thrown off, his hair was a mess and he had barely managed to slip on his pants but not his shoes or socks, and his sleep shirt was all wrinkled, yet Dean stood staring at him, and Castiel noticed Dean's eyes look him over once or twice.

Castiel's entire face went red, realizing the state he was in and he muttered a quick welcome before running to his room to change.

"He's kinda weird," Sammy said as he followed Dean into the apartment.

"Yea, but he's cool." Dean said smiling.

"I'm not saying he isn't, but you gotta admit that _that_ was weird." Sam replied pointing to Castiel's bedroom door.

"He does stuff like that all the time," Dean explained. "One minute he's there, next thing ya know he's gone chasing after a bee or something."

Sam didn't miss the fond tone that his brother's voice had taken, but he shrugged it off because Dean would lie about it if he asked anyways.

"Must drive you nuts," Sam said, observing his brothers behavior.

"Not all that much, its okay when I can find him alright, but I guess it pisses me off when I'm trying to talk to him and when I turn around he's gone." Dean replied.

Sammy noticed that Dean's tone was casual, but there was also something angry lurking underneath... no, something _hurt_.

"It would piss you off so much when I would do that," Sam said with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

"Well, that's because I wasn't sure if you were chasing a stray dog or if you were trying to run away." Dean's tone was clipped, and Sam knew he'd chosen a delicate subject.

"I'm sorry Dean." He said carefully.

Sam was sorry for the stunts he'd pulled when they were younger, but it wasn't like he was running away from Dean, just their dad. He hadn't expected that Dean would be the one that got punished severely for Sammy's mistake, but he probably should have after knowing John for so long.

"It doesn't matter now," Dean said casual again.

He was smiling as he looked over at the single picture that Castiel had hung on his white walls.

"What is that?" Sam asked as he stepped over next to Dean.

"I think it's his family," Dean answered in a soft tone, almost delicate.

"I wonder which one's which?" Sam said.

"I don't know," Dean replied, fixated on a younger Castiel.

"OH MY GOD!" Sam screamed.

"What?" Dean asked, slightly distracted as he turned to see his brother's horrified expression.

"I know that one! He's the asshole that used to slap my ass in the hallways back at Stanford," Sam replied irritated by the memories.

"The one that gave you a delicious cupcake on Valentine's Day?" Dean laughed.

"Yes, that one. His name was Gabriel I think." Sam said miserably.

"He told me about Gabriel, but he didn't say he was hilarious." Dean teased.

"C'mon Dean, the guy made me seriously consider leaving Stanford! He's a menace." Sam was upset now, and Dean knew that obviously Sam had been seriously disturbed.

"Maybe he's like Cas, not sure how to talk to people yet except for unlike Cas, he tries to be funny." Dean replied.

"Maybe..." Sam said, disturbed but thinking over what Dean had said.

Castiel came out looking as handsome as ever, not that Dean had minded the messy look. In fact, he'd quite enjoyed it.

"Sorry for my abrupt exit, I needed to change." Castiel explained, extending his arms and looking at Dean for approval.

"You look great," Dean smiled at him. "Now let's get going!"

"Wait," Sam interrupted.

Sam turned to look at Cas.

"What's wrong Sam?" he asked concerned.

"Is this your brother Gabriel?" Sam asked pointing at the picture.

"Yes, how did you know?" Castiel asked curious.

"He, uh, he used to um... Well I knew him back at Stanford." Sam replied awkwardly.

"He went to Stanford?" Castiel asked in a low voice, more to the air than anything.

"Well not exactly, he owns a café on campus. He sells a bunch of sweets and quite a bit of candy too." Sam told him.

"Oh," Castiel replied, looking over at Dean with a sad expression on his face. "I didn't know."

"You work at Stanford though, how did you miss him?" Dean asked.

He wasn't trying to be indelicate, he just didn't really think it over before he'd said it.

"I don't frequently look around the campus too often, and I have a cafe which I comfortable with already so I don't go into the others..." Castiel's voice was sad, and Dean couldn't help the need to reach out to his friend.

He laid a hand on Castiel's shoulder and smiled at him in understanding.

Sam had no idea what had happened but pretty soon, Castiel had smiled and nodded right back as if they had just had a meaningful talk about life and feelings. But no words had been spoken, Dean had simply made Castiel feel better with a bit of physical contact and a look.

~

They left Castiel's apartment and Dean treated them to breakfast. Sam figured he owed them for breaking into his apartment and waking him up with a bucket full of cold water, and for surprising Cas when he wasn't even dressed yet.

So Dean bought them breakfast and they talked and laughed. Finally Castiel had gotten curious as to why they had to get up so early.

"When do we go see the lights?" He asked innocently.

"Oh that's not until later, like at six or seven when it gets dark," Dean replied, voice muffled by the breakfast sandwich he was eating.

"Then why did you wake me up at seven in the morning?" Cas asked frustrated.

"Because if we want an _awesome_ light show, then we got some work to do." Dean vaguely explained.

"What kind of work?" Castiel's eyes had narrowed and his expression was as if to say 'what are you doing you little shit?' and Dean laughed right out loud.

"I'll tell you once princess over there finishes her salad," Dean chuckled as he elbowed Sammy in the arm.

"It's the only edible thing they have here!" Sam snapped as he pushed Dean off his chair slightly.

The workers heard him and decidedly gave him angry looks the whole time they stayed there.

It didn't take long for Dean to suggest that they leave, and Castiel's patience was growing thin.

"Are we going to have to set up the lights ourselves? Is that it?" Castiel asked Dean with a slight shove as he caught up to him when they left he restaurant.

"What?" Dean looked over at Castiel who was standing a bit too close as per usual.

"Do we have to set up the light show?" Cas repeated.

"No, in fact quite the opposite." Dean's smile was making Castiel uncomfortable.

"Sam?" Cas called to the younger Winchester for information.

Sam sighed, "Dean wants to take out all the lights of the city during the light show. Well, all of them except the ones that are _for_ the light show."

"How the hell are we supposed to do that?!" Castiel asked looking back at Dean.

Dean was a little caught off guard by Castiel's outburst, it was the closest to swearing he'd ever heard Cas get.

"Um, well the same way you take out the lights of any city I guess." Dean swallowed hard.

"Dean," Castiel was staring at Dean with a hard expression and they had stopped walking.

"Look, I just notice that every time they show the lights, there's other random lights and crap going on that kinda take away the beauty of the light show." Dean explained.

Meanwhile, Sam was getting a bit frustrated by the closeness of their faces and was seriously considering yelling 'JUST FUCKING KISS ALREADY!'

Castiel's face went soft in understanding and he proceeded to sit down on a bench nearby.

"Alright, what do I do?" Castiel asked defeated.

"Honestly, I just need you to help me get some supplies, Sam and I can do the rest," Dean replied.

They sat together for a while watching the cars go by in silence. Sam was about ready to ask what the hell he was even doing here, they literally just sat next to each other in silence for like 10 minutes as if conversation was futile while he was standing there, bored out of his mind, feeling like they were actually talking telepathically.

"Let's go," Dean said when he realized that time had gone by and noticed Sam banging the back of his head against the street light that he was leaning against.

~

The day went by and finally Dean had everything the way he wanted it. He told Sam and Cas to save a spot (he had assigned them an area and told them not to lose it because it was the best place to watch the lights) and went away to his mischief.

Dean had told them to sit down a half hour ago and he wasn't there yet, Castiel was getting concerned.

"Where is your brother?" He anxiously asked Sam.

"Don't worry, he probably won't be back until the lights are on and he can power the city down." Sam responded assuredly.

"Alright..." Castiel said uncertainly.

They sat in silence for a while, it was around 6 p.m and the lights probably wouldn't turn on for another half hour.

"Why don't you and Dean talk about your father?" Castiel inquired conversationally.

"It's just a time in our lives we'd rather forget," Sam replied lightly.

"Oh, I suppose I shouldn't ask then." Castiel said looking down.

"Well if you want to know, I wouldn't ask Dean unless you want your head bitten off." Sam joked lightly.

Castiel looked at the ground confused, processing the metaphor.

"He doesn't seem to be angry when I ask him, he simply looks like he's too upset with me to talk about it, even if we've been having a lovely conversation. It's usually the same when I ask him how he feels." Castiel says looking back at Sam.

"What do you mean usually?" Sam asks.

He almost always gets a snarky remark or a shove or a joke to swerve off the subject, the only exceptions being when Sam has been nagging Dean about it for a long time and it's something particularly difficult for Dean. Castiel doesn't seem the type to do the same.

"Well sometimes he sighs and sits down or leans on something to get more comfortable, then he tells me he's upset or frustrated. A while back he told me that your mother died and he was very sad about it. He didn't so much as tell me how he felt as much as show me, instead of hiding the pain of it, he let his face soften and fall. I can tell that it's something he still hasn't gotten over." Castiel answered gently in a low voice, quiet like a secret.

Sam was shocked, his mouth had parted slightly and he stared at Castiel. Dean _never_ talked about their mom. Dean hadn't officially told Sam how she'd died until Sammy was 10 years old and had started poking at Dean's feelings one night. Their dad never talked about it either, and Sam was too afraid to bring it up, thinking that angering John Winchester was the worst mistake anybody could make and bringing up the death of his wife was the easiest way to do it.

"Wow," Sam replied after a minute of silence. "Damn Cas, you've really gotten under my brother's skin."

"What?" Castiel asked confused again.

"Dude, it took me 10 years for him to open up about mom and I still don't know the details." Sam explained. "Dean doesn't talk about it to anyone and he's know you, what, 3 months?"

"I'm not sure how to respond to that," Castiel replied simply.

He really didn't know what to say... He remembered Dean yelling at him about never talking about his mother, but Castiel hadn't thought about how literally Dean might have meant it. Dean had opened up to him about his family that day, and Castiel had held back on his own. It all came back to Castiel: the promise they had made to each other about not shutting the other one out. The guilt started to eat away at Castiel and his stomach felt strange again. Not the usual warm and pleasant strange that Dean left him with, but a terrible feeling that made him feel like throwing up.

"Cas, man, please just-" Sam cut himself off to think for a minute. "I know Dean acts really tough and stuff but at times I think he's still just a scared four year old watching his mother burn while our dad rushes him out of the house."

Castiel couldn't do more than nod. So Dean had witnessed his own mother's death, that certainly explained why he was so protective over Sam. He'd taken on the responsibility of being a parent at such a young age after a terribly traumatizing experience.

"Did he ever go to a therapist after what happened?" Castiel asked.

Sam fidgeted a bit before answering with an awkwardly cryptic "no."

"Why not?" Castiel knew he was pressing now, but he needed to know more about Dean. He couldn't say why, he just felt he had to get to know Dean better.

"Look, I've probably said too much already. If Dean wants you to know more, then he'll probably tell you eventually. I wouldn't say that to anyone, but seeing as he seems to like you a lot, I'm not entirely sure he _won't_ tell you." Sam replied awkwardly.

The words had stumbled out, and Sam knew that if Dean had heard him telling Cas that Dean liked him a lot, Dean would've murdered him. 25 years of raising him be damned. Thankfully, the words seemed to fly right over Castiel head, and he turned back to where the lights had just turned on.

The words had _not_ flown right over Castiel's head. In fact, they were on repeat in his mind, and every time they repeated, Castiel's small smile grew and grew until he was grinning like a mad man at the lights. Dean would be back soon, and the very thought of it made Castiel feel giddy, the feeling also confused Castiel, but he let himself enjoy the warm and happy feeling. It didn't matter why, it simply mattered that he was happy right then.

Dean came back shortly after, out of breath with messy hair and the biggest smile on his face that Castiel had seen in a while. Castiel simply stared and smiled dazedly at Dean. Seeing him there in the blacked out city, smiling happily at the colorful lights made Castiel so happy, he wanted to just grab the other man's face and-

NO. He didn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't!

Castiel's smile faded quickly as he realized how he felt towards Dean Winchester. ANOTHER MAN.

A million thoughts crowded into his brain and the remembrance of his family's reaction to Luci coming out flashed in the front of his mind along with every religious verse and curse to damnation against homosexuality.

 _Stop seeing this Dean Winchester or you might end up more thrown off the righteous path to heaven than you already are_ _!_ Uriel had yelled at him the last time that he had missed going to church with his family to spend the day with Dean and his friends during the Thanksgiving Weekend.

Castiel turned to look back at Dean, still beautiful and smiling at the lights. It wasn't fair, Dean was his friend and Castiel had grown unclean feelings towards him.

When Dean turned to look at Cas, his face was immediately concern. Sam was still admiring the lights, and hadn't noticed Castiel's fallen expression, but Dean always saw. Dean somehow always knew when to look at Castiel with his round green eyes, looking at Castiel like he was something that was precious and needed to be protected.

 _I'm not clean,_ Castiel thought. _I'm an abomination. I need to leave before I hurt Dean._

Castiel ran. He ran far and fast despite Dean's cries for him to come back. Castiel had to fight every fiber in his body that wanted nothing more than to go back to Dean, apologize profusely for destroying their friendship or simply let Dean hold him close, the way he did when Castiel had accidentally fallen asleep at Dean's apartment the first time. He'd been so happy that morning, oblivious to his lust and simply admiring and trying to count the freckles that Dean had scattered all over his face. He hadn't thought about why he'd been so happy in Dean's arms, he simply hadn't wanted the warm feeling in his chest to dissipate. 

The warm feelings were gone. Replaced with an ache in his chest, in his _heart_ that made him collapse once he'd gone as far as he could run. The pain in his lungs was nothing compared to this, he clutched tightly, wanting to tear it out if only that would stop this pain. He had run so far away and there was no light, Dean had been taking care of that all day. Castiel was left dark, cold and alone. He felt the same on the inside as well, the persistent pain in his chest seeming to get worse. Castiel almost cried, almost let his feeble walls break down and simply crumble to pieces. The tears burned behind his eyes and the snot in his nose began to drip, but Castiel refused to let the tears fall. He sat on the cold cement, clutching at his knees, and burying his face in his now crossed arms until his body took pity on him and let him simply fall asleep.


	10. Arguments and Hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has self-harm in it. Please don't read if it might trigger you to do the same. I want you guys to be safe first and remember that no matter what anybody says, you are beautiful and strong.

Castiel woke up back in his apartment… In his own bed apparently… 

“Mornin’ sunshine,” Dean said as he came into the room, a nervous smile on his face as if he was unsure if he was allowed to be there.

“Dean? What are you doing here?” Castiel asked, sitting up in the bed.

“Well… uh, I found you on the streets after you ran away… I kinda figured you wanted to be alone but you just kinda ran off and didn’t come back so I figured I should get around to looking for ya when you didn’t return my calls. You were easy enough to find, sloppy trail and all. Plus I know where you live and you had the keys in your pocket.” Dean explained uneasily. 

The silence loomed for a few awkward seconds as Castiel stared blankly at Dean.

“Bye Cas,” Dean smiled at him before heading out the bedroom’s door.

Castiel didn’t respond, choosing to ignore Dean completely. But then Dean decided against leaving and turned around.

“Cas what’s up buddy? What happened last night that you preferred to sleep on the friggin’ cement and not watch the lights?” Dean asked gently, stepping closer towards Cas.

“I don’t want to talk about it, I just need some space.” Castiel replied gruffly.

“Alright, I get it. Just know that I’m here if you want to talk.” Dean said comfortingly with a hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

“Would you leave now? Why did you have to stay anyways?” Castiel asked sharply.

“Woah! Yea, I just wanted to make sure you were okay but I guess I’ll leave now.” Dean replied, moving his hands up in surrender as he was already stepping out of the room.

Anger overtook Castiel, he wasn’t sure why, but it came out so quickly it felt like he was watching from a third-person perspective.

“WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THAT?!” Castiel yelled after Dean as he got out of bed.

“Do what?” Dean asked, ready to be angry right back.

“Care so much! I had obviously left to get away from you and you’re right here when I wake up because you are so concerned!” Castiel yelled as he reached Dean in the living room.

“What? Dude I’m sorry I’m not the kind of guy to leave my supposed _friend_ asleep on the goddamned sidewalk in the middle of the night! You think I care too fucking much then that’s your problem because if you don’t want me to care about you, then I just fucking won’t.” Dean’s voice was raised, but it wasn’t quite yelling and it infuriated Castiel to no end.

“I _don’t_ want you to care about me! _I wish I’d never met you_ Dean!” Castiel yelled, the other man’s name rolling off his tongue with all the spite and anger he had boiling inside.

Dean was taken aback. Ever since he’d met Castiel, never once had he said his name so harshly. Castiel had always said Dean’s name like a prayer and it brought comfort to Dean when he needed it. Now, hearing it spoken the way that Dean had always thought it should be… it almost broke him. He felt worse than when Alastair had worked him over. It was worse than anything, but it was everything he felt he deserved. 

“Alright, then I won’t… Cas… I’m sorry…” Dean replied defeated as he opened the door and walked out.

Castiel wished that Dean had slammed it, broken it down, cursed Castiel’s name until he couldn’t breathe, but Dean had simply left. All fight gone from him.

~

Dean arrived home soon enough. Every urge he had been fighting, everything that Castiel had helped him through by only being his friend, came back stronger, and Dean couldn’t fight it. He didn’t have the energy to.

Dean walked desperately to his room, grabbing the silver blade with the carvings on it and cut himself clean across the arm. He hadn’t done that since he’d met Castiel, the day that he’d been victimized by Alastair. He didn’t wince at the pain, he was used to it by now and it felt relieving. 

_I’m trash_ Dean thought to himself as he cut in deeper. _I’ve done terrible things and there’s nothing I can do to take them back. I’ll hurt more people. I’ve probably hurt Cas, he hates me now. I hurt that other guy last week, I broke his arm. I keep hurting people. I shouldn’t be here._

“I SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE HERE!” Dean cried out as he slit his wrist angrily. 

It started bleeding badly, but he didn’t feel the urge to fix it.

“I shouldn’t get any on the carpet,” he sighed numbly as he moved to the bathroom.

He didn’t do anything to stop the bleeding, and when he reached the mirror, he only felt worse.

“Look at you huh? You’re pathetic. You’re everything dad ever told you that you were. You’re weak and you’ll never amount to anything.” Dean said to his reflection.

His father’s words were clear in his head. “You think you can get back from this? This is the life you have and that you will always have, there is no going back! You’ve got a criminal record! You got sloppy and you got caught like an idiot! An amateur! I thought I’d trained you better but you are useless to me! Go ahead and try to play like you’re normal, but I know the truth and you know the truth. You are nothing but a blind killing machine that doesn’t know when to stop!”

Dean punched at the mirror with his other hand, and the shards broke through skin and soon it was bleeding too. Dean picked up the knife again and through it lazily on the floor. His hand was bleeding terribly, and he was overcome with dizziness before stepping into the tub and laid down to fall asleep.

~

Sam had received a call from a still upset Castiel to check on Dean. The lack of reaction had worried him but he didn’t want to talk to Dean, so he called Sam and told him to make sure Dean didn’t do anything stupid.

“Oh my God. Dean!” Sam yelled as he found his brother lay out in the tub unconscious. Sam sighed with slight relief when he discovered that despite Dean being unconscious, he was still breathing if only a little.

Sam frantically searched for his phone in his pockets and dialed 911 and informed them of the situation. Sam did his best to keep his brother alive, wrapping the blue towel around Dean’s wrist to try and stop the bleeding.

Sam felt useless, he couldn’t do anything but grab onto Dean and try to hold back the tears that were streaming down his face. He tried desperately to call Dean to wake up, yelling his name over and over until the paramedics came in through the door he had left open on accident and dragged his brother away from him. 

They told him it would be best if he followed in a car instead of ride in the ambulance and he listened. He followed as best he could, barely able to see the flashing lights through his tears. He sat in the waiting room when they told him to and the fact that he couldn’t help in anything made him angry at himself. 

~

“What the hell did you say to my brother?!” Sam yelled into the phone to Castiel.

“I don’t want to deal with this right now Sam,” Castiel replied frustrated. 

“You don’t-” Sam stopped to scoff. “You don’t want to deal with this right now?”

“Sam-” Castiel started.

“NO. My brother is dying in the damned hospital so I don’t care if you want to deal with this right now or not, you’re gonna tell me _exactly_ what happened!” Sam demanded.

“Dean’s dying?” Castiel asked confused, concerned, scared, and guilty.

“Yea, he slit one of his wrists, broke the mirror, and then laid down to let himself die, so you get down here and start explaining!” Sam yelled before hanging up.

“Excuse me sir, you need to keep your voice down.” A nurse came by to tell him.

“My brother is dying and you’re telling me to keep my voice down?” Sam asked angrily.

“Sir, I understand-” She started.

“No you don’t! He’s my only family!” Sam interrupted. “Look, I’m sorry. I’ll calm down I swear, I’m just waiting for someone.”

“Alright,” she said before getting back behind a desk.

Sam sat down quietly in a chair. He’d been waiting for what had happened in Hell to pile up and cause a breakdown, but he thought that after four months of Dean seeming fine, it might’ve been true. But now here he was in the hospital because Sam couldn’t have kept a closer eye on his big brother.

~

Castiel wasn’t sure if he was going to go to the hospital or not. He didn’t even know what he was supposed to tell Sam, or Dean, for that matter.

After anxiously deciding for a few minutes, he grabbed his coat and he ran to his car and drove as quickly as possible to the hospital.

“How is he?” Castiel asked once he’d reached Sam at the proper floor.

“I don’t know they won’t tell me anything.” Sam informed him angrily. 

He was mad at himself, at the hospital staff, and at Castiel.

“What the hell happened?” he demanded.

“We had a falling out.” Castiel replied cryptically.

“Why? And why the hell did you run away last night? Dean made me follow your trail after you ignored his messages and we found you asleep on the street.” Sam told Castiel.

“I needed some time to think,” Castiel said coldly.

“Yea well I haven’t seen Dean that worried since I ran away and he found me living alone in an abandoned shack with a stray dog.” Sam was angry now and it took all of his self-control not to pick up the smaller man and shake the answers out of him.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel retorted emotionlessly.

“No you’re not.” Sam scoffed. “I told you yesterday that Dean likes you ‘a lot’ and you decide to get in an argument with him after running away and Dean caring enough to look for you and then take you home when he finds you in the street? Do you even have feelings?”

“I don’t want him to care about me. I don’t want to care about him.” Castiel replied cold and upset.

“I don’t care what you want. I want to know what you said to him.” Sam answered back, raising his voice.

“You know what I said to him? I told him not to care about me and that I wished I’d never met him.” Castiel matched his voice to Sam’s. 

“You what?” Sam asked completely baffled.

“Do you want me to repeat it?” Castiel asked angrily.

Sam couldn’t move. He wanted to hit Castiel, but he stood there in shock.

“I didn’t think so.” Castiel said before leaving.

Sam watched Castiel walk out of the doors, leaving him standing alone in the waiting room.

~

Dean woke up to find himself in a hospital bed with Sam crying on his arm.

“Dean, you’re awake!” Sam exclaimed before frantically wiping the tears off of his face and reaching for the water and handing it to Dean.

“I’m sorry Sam,” Dean said when Sammy sat back down on the chair next to the bed.

“No, I’m sorry Dean. I couldn’t do more, I felt so useless and I couldn’t be there the one time you needed me.” Sam cried as he laid his head back down on his brother’s arm.

Dean stroked his hand through his little brother’s soft hair.

“It’s okay Sammy, you saved me.” He said softly. “Besides, I always need you. I’m sorry I went and made a mess of things. I shouldn’t have done it, I should’ve thought about how you’d feel about it before I did it. Dammit Sammy I just can’t anymore!”

“Cas told me what he said, I don’t know why he said it and I don’t care. There’s no excuse.” 

Sam stumbled out through broken sobs.

“Screw Cas! I don’t care.” Dean said angrily, but inside, he knew he couldn’t stop caring even if Cas didn’t want him to.

“This is my fault. I shouldn’t have told him you liked him.” Sam confessed guiltily.

Dean pet his hand through Sammy’s hair again, just like when they were younger. 

“None of this is your fault Sammy. In fact, I think if I’d just talked to you about this crap like you’d wanted, this wouldn’t have happened. What Cas did was his choice, just like what I did is mine.” He explained.

“Dean,” Sam said softly as he sat upright in his chair to look at Dean with his sad puppy-dog eyes.

“It’s not really about Cas, it just built up over time and I broke. I shouldn’t have. I should’ve been strong like you and dad, but I never did get it right.” Dean sighed.

“Dad wasn’t strong Dean! He was the most broken man I’ve ever met. He broke you right along with him and if it hadn’t been for you, he would’ve broken me too.” Sam corrected.

“Sam-” Dean started, but Sam wasn’t ready to let Dean put himself down.

“No Dean. You took so much crap from both of us. We argued all the time but whenever it came to him getting angry enough to hit me, I know you’re the one that took the beating. Dean you are the _best brother_ that anyone could ask for. You’re awesome and I can’t stand watching something hurt you. You’re the strongest guy I know! Most people would’ve landed in the asylum after half of what you’ve been through! I’m not gonna sit here and just listen to you talk about how worthless you are, or weak, or bad. Dean, you’re my big brother and honestly the best guy in the world.” Sam interrupted passionately.

“Sam I’ve done a lot of bad things.” Dean tried to explain.

“So? I have too, but you helped me get over it. You helped me get away from all that and I’m gonna be here and help you do the same.” Sammy replied sternly.

“Thanks Sammy,” Dean smiled as the nurses came in to check on him and change his bandages.

~

Dean had to spend a week in the mental ward at the hospital. They gave him the name of a psychiatrist and told him that he’d need to be seeing him unless he wanted to be admitted into a formal building for distressed mental patients. Dean agreed and was on his way.

“So I’m gonna have to move,” Dean said as he kicked around some of the boxes of takeout and candy that he and Sam had gone through when Dean got back to his apartment.

“Why?” Sam asked as he went over to the counter-top to get more candy.

Sam had stayed over with Dean the whole time after he’d been allowed to go back to his apartment. He informed his bosses that he could run the case-work papers for them and anything extra that he could take home with him. They had agreed because he actually had a good reason to miss out on work and it wasn’t like he was actually skipping out on the job.

“Well, my little stunt must’ve reached the ears of somebody that hates me, or the feds, so I’m gonna have to move.” Dean explained coolly.

“Alright well where do you want to move to?” Sam asked.

“Maybe down to L.A., you know I haven’t made anybody angry down there yet.” Dean laughed.

“But what about everyone here? Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Ash and Charlie?” Sam inquired.

“I can still visit you guys, I’d love to take my Baby on longer road trips anyways and it’s not like I’ll be a million miles away.” Dean replied.

“Dean I’m going with you.” Sam stated firmly.

“C’mon, you got a life here Sammy, don’t throw it away.” Dean said shaking his head.

“I’m not throwing it away Dean. I’m moving on with you, like I always have.” Sam clarified seriously.

“Always?” Dean scoffed before popping another piece of candy into his mouth. “Sam, you moved on with /out/ me when you came to Stanford. You left me alone with dad. I’m the one that followed you, now I’m moving on without you.”

“Dean c’mon! You think I meant to leave you alone with him? You stayed with dad because you wanted to.” Sam replied harshly.

“No. Somebody had to stay with him and I knew from the first argument you guys ever had that it wasn’t gonna be you. I just wanted a fucking family Sam, and you left.” Dean was getting pissed off now, but Sam wouldn’t budge.

“I know what you’re doing and it doesn’t matter because sure, I left for Stanford when you needed me, I’ll give you that. But maybe this time it’s my turn to follow you so don’t even think about pushing me away. Not after everything we’ve been through.” Sam said sternly.

“You wanna move away from here? Really?” Dean asked sincerely.

“Yea, Dean. You’re the only family I ever had.” Sam responded with a small smile.

“Okay…” Dean replied, leaving the conversation at that.

~

“Oooh, you guys got a Christmas party invitation reminder thing,” Charlie said while going through the mail that Dean had just brought in.

“Charlie, are you gonna help or are you gonna just go through my stuff?” Dean asked with a smile on his face.

Dean walked over to her and gave her a light push in the direction of the boxes that Sam and Jo were packing.

“I can do both,” Charlie teased, placing some of Dean’s books in a box after labeling it.

“It’s from the Novaks…” Dean said quietly, making all of them pause.

“You mean Castiel’s family?” Sam asked upset.

“You mean the jerk-wad that lashed out at you for no reason?” Charlie asked curiously.

“Cas?” Jo said questioningly.

“Yea him. I don’t actually blame him. The guy was probably stressed about the holidays. According to him, his family is a bunch of homophobic, hypocritical, religious freaks and maybe seeing the lights reminded him about having to deal with that again.” Dean said with a lowered voice. He knew he was grasping at straws here but it’s not like he actually knew why Castiel had been so angry.

“Stop making excuses for him,” Sam said angrily.

“Fine, but we’re going to this thing.” Dean replied with a stern grunt.

“Why the hell would we do that?” Sam asked frustrated.

“Because I have got to see that freak show, maybe even scandalize them by kissing another dude, preferably a pastor or something, I don’t know.” Dean laughed.

It lightened the mood and after careful consideration from all of them, Dean had Charlie and Jo’s permission to go, even permission from Ellen and Ash when they came back to take more boxes to the rented truck.

Sam and Bobby had a serious problem with it though, and it took Dean the rest of the day in between trips to convince Bobby that he was gonna be okay there, he just wanted to have some fun and make some harmless enemies before leaving.

“So I have everyone’s permission to go?” Dean asked at the end of the day.

Murmurs and yeses were said from all but Sam.

“You’ll be going with me, so you are going to be the least worried.” Dean told his Sammy.

“I highly doubt that, but it would probably make me feel better.” Sam said looking around, still uncertain.

“Anything for your feelings Sammy,” Dean laughed as he ruffled Sam’s hair playfully.

“Stop it,” Sam said before pushing his brother’s hand away.

“Or what?” Dean teased, ruffling Sammy’s hair again.

“Or I’m gonna let you take all the big boxes down yourself,” Sam threatened.

“Okay. Okay…” Dean replied playfully defeated.

It was settled. He was going to meet Castiel’s family. Dean was scared shitless, and Sam was worried out of his mind as he considered that maybe Castiel was the most normal one in the family, maybe even the kindest…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it :) I'm not sure if I'll take a break or if I'll just go ahead and write the Christmas party while I'm still in November... Honestly I'm pretty nervous about this whole fanfiction but I'm pretty close to figuring out the end. Hope you guys like reading this!


	11. Hot Cousins and Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Novak Christmas party.

The day of the Christmas party came and Sam was still trying to talk Dean out of going.

“Sammy, I just wanna have some fun. Besides, we’ll still be back to spend Christmas with the gang.” Dean reassured him.

“It’s not about that, it’s just Cas-” Sam started.

“It’s not about Cas either. Tonight I’m just gonna have some fun.” Dean comforted him with a smile.

“He hasn’t even called or anything he just sent the invitation and I’m not even sure if it was him.” Sam said worriedly.

“Well don’t worry about it,” Dean replied as he finished putting on his tie.

“What makes you so sure that it’s a formal party?” Sam asked moving on from the previous subject.

“The invitation was all fancy and I know Cas and how he dresses on a casual basis so I’m guessing that his whole family is like that. Even if it’s not, we look hot and we’ll get all the pretty church girls.” Dean said with a wink.

“Fine, whatever.” Sam said defeated.

~

Castiel was freaking out. He had messed up the Christmas cookies and his uncle Zachariah was probably going to fire him from Stanford. Zachariah was the dean. He’d gotten on Zachariah’s bad side when he had chosen to stop attending church and then had started handing out free A’s in his classes. Anthropology wasn’t a hard subject and most of the A’s had truly been earned, but Zachariah was still mad.

“Hiya Cassie,” Gabriel said happily from behind him. “Need help?”

“I don’t understand why I was put to make them when you bake as a living.” Castiel said bitterly.

“Because they couldn’t get a hold of me, but I can do it now if you want. Besides, I probably owe you…” Gabriel replied as he shooed Cas out of the kitchen.

“For what?” Castiel asked.

“You’ll see,” Gabriel laughed.

~

Dean took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell of the large and fancy house. There were already a lot of cars parked outside, and Dean figured that he had arrived a little late. 

“We could ding-dong ditch right now if you want,” Sammy offered.

But it was too late and a pretty red head opened the door with a smile.

“Hi, you are?” She asked sweetly.

“I’m Dean, this is my brother Sam, and we were invited.” Dean replied with a smile as he took out the formal invitation.

“Oh, please come in. I’m Anna by the way.” She replied, stepping aside to let them in.

“Nice to meet you,” Sam said with a small duck of his head.

“So which one of my cousins invited you?” Anna asked conversationally.

“Castiel,” Dean said awkwardly as he looked around the well-furnished interior of the house.

“I didn’t know Castiel had learned to talk to people,” Anna said with a smile.

“Well, he’s still Castiel.” Dean replied with a kind laugh at her joke.

“Would you like me to go get him?” She offered politely.

“No thank you, I’m sure we’ll meet up with him eventually.” Sam said respectfully before Dean could.

“Alright, well make yourselves at home. Go ahead and mingle, I have to help Gabriel in the kitchen.” Anna excused herself with a smile.

“Dammit. Gabriel’s here?” Sam said anxiously once she’d left.

“Calm down, it’s a big house and I’m pretty sure he won’t do anything too scandalous in front of his family.” Dean said with a clap of his hand against Sammy’s shoulder.

“You’re probably right,” Sam sighed.

“That Anna chick was hot though right?” Dean playfully nudged at Sammy’s ribs.

“Sure, whatever.” Sam sighed again before walking into the living room where everyone else was.

Just as Dean had expected, all the men were in a fancy suit and tie. He looked around and saw a few of the people that had been in Castiel’s family photo except for Gabriel and another brother.

“Hello, Anna has just informed me that you are friends of Castiel?” A sandy-color haired man with a British accent came up to say to them.

“Kinda, yea.” Dean said awkwardly.

“I’m Balthazar, I’m Castiel’s favorite cousin.” He said with a charming smile.

“I’m Dean, and this is-” Dean started.

“Sam. Winchester right?” he finished for them.

They nodded in confirmation.

“Yes, Gabriel told me to expect you two. I’ve heard all about you.” Balthazar said with a smile, like he knew something they didn’t. 

“If you’ll excuse me,” he said politely before heading out through a door.

“Weird right?” Sam asked.

“We’ve seen weirder.” Dean replied, sitting down on a couch.

They sat there quietly for a while before a hand shoved at Dean’s shoulder from behind.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Castiel asked in hushed tones.

“We were invited.” Dean said coyly.

“Get out.” Castiel demanded, ready to push Dean out the door if he had to.

“Hey,” Sam said stepping between them. “I didn’t even want to come but I think that you at least owe Dean an explanation.” 

“Fine. Come with me.” Castiel said gruffly as he walked out the door.

They followed him to an empty room and Castiel closed the door.

“What’s up?” Dean said awkwardly with a smile.

“What’s up is that you are ruining everything.” Castiel retorted angrily.

“Dean hasn’t done anything wrong so back the hell off!” Sam said angrily stepping forward.

“Woah, calm down. Both of you. Sam, it’s okay.” Dean said stepping between them.

“No it’s not! It’s not okay!” Sam yelled as he stepped back.

“Cas, I just wanna talk. I wanna know what I did to make you so mad at me, and then I’ll leave.” Dean said calmly turning towards him.

“Nothing, you just- you- Dean!” Castiel stuttered out.

“Yes, I’m Dean, you’re Castiel, and the giant planning your murder over there is Sam. Now that we established that, why are you mad at me?” Dean replied calmly.

“I don’t have time for this. I need to go back to my family.” Castiel said, storming out of the room.

“I’m gonna kill him!” Sam yelled exasperated.

“Nah, leave it to me.” Dean said distracted as he stared out the door through which Castiel had left.

~

The party was awkward and stiff. Dean met Uriel, who was black because he was adopted, and Dean was pretty sure that his being adopted was the reason the guy had a fucking _pole_ shoved up his ass.

“Dean Winchester,” a handsome young man with dark hair and blue eyes said intrigued as he walked up to him.

“Yea,” Dean confirmed.

“I’m Michael, the oldest. I own this home, I’m glad you came.” He informed Dean with a charming smile that unsettled him.

“It’s a nice house you got here,” Dean replied conversationally.

“Yes, it was my father’s house but he hasn’t been back here in years.” Michael responded, staring at Dean with big blue eyes.

“Sorry about that,” Dean said sympathetically.

“It’s alright. He didn’t know how to run this household, and he was a drunk so it’s probably for the better. I do miss him though and I wouldn’t mind it if he came back, but I can’t be sure that he isn’t dead.” Michael explained calmly, his voice kind but there was something else there that Dean couldn’t name.

“I get that. I know a thing or two about absent fathers myself.” Dean replied understanding.

“Yes I know, your father John is quite the character. I met him once before, he was a military man correct? When was the last time you spoke to him?” Michael asked curiously.

“How do you know about my dad?” Dean asked defensively.

“Well when I found out what my brother Lucian was up to, I looked into it. And you.” Michael replied as though it explained everything.

“I’ve never met your brother Lucian,” Dean said ready to leave the second he got the wrong reply.

“I’m quite certain you have. He owned the club you used to work at, Hell. He owned the building, the strippers, the drugs, and everything else. He used to visit it often, I’m quite certain you must have met him then. Maybe as one of your clients?” Michael explained. 

“I don’t know… I don’t remember…” Dean said looking around nervously.

“Don’t worry, I know it wasn’t all your fault. You did what you had to, to get your younger brother out of that terrible place. Little brothers do enjoy getting themselves caught up in all kinds of messes don’t they?” Michael responded calmly.

“How much do you know?” Dean asked, still avoiding eye contact.

“All of it. I have friends in very high places. I helped you hide after Castiel called the police, and I made certain that you wouldn’t get questioned after your suicide attempt earlier this month.” Michael replied calmly.

“How much does everyone else know?” Dean asked nervously.

“They know everything. I don’t keep secrets in this family. I believe that it’s best to know the worst along with the best about each other.” Michael said as he stepped closer to Dean who had walked away a few paces in his nervous fidgeting. 

“It was nice talking to you. I hope to do so again soon.” Michael said before walking away.

Dean stood frozen in place. It took him a minute before he decided to look for Sammy so they could leave.

“Dean! I was hoping to catch up to you again. Want to go for a walk outside?” Anna asked when she saw him.

“Umm… yea alright.” Dean said as she looped her arm around his and they walked out the door to the large back yard.

“I saw you were talking to Michael. He can be pretty intimidating and self-righteous but he can be kind sometimes too.” Anna said once they had walked to the small garden area away from the house.

“What does he work in?” Dean asked, trying to make it sound calm and conversational.

“He teaches martial arts to policemen. He used to be in the marines but they gave him an honorable discharge after he served our country. He’s a really good fighter too. He taught Luci and Castiel how to fight after he came back from traveling around to learn all his fighting skills. Luci still fights sometimes, but it’s more for money than anything. Luci is involved in all kinds of things…” Anna faded out when she realized she was saying too much.

“Cas learned to fight?” Dean said, pretending to ignore what she had said about Lucian.

“Yea, he’s really good too.” Anna said. “We enrolled him in a few classes so he could fight with kids his own age that wouldn’t break him in half like Michael, but he beat all of them and got kicked out when some of the instructors decided to take him on and then lost. He was 10 at that time, but he enrolled in boxing and wrestling classes when he was old enough to in high school. I thought that maybe all the time he spent learning how to maneuver his body was giving him more social interaction, but he just kicked their butts and knocked out there teeth without bothering to say ‘good match’ or anything. They thought he was stuck up but Castiel just isn’t good with people, he prefers to read or just sit in the library quietly smelling the books.”

“He still hasn’t really learned people skills,” Dean said fondly, but he was a little hurt still.

“Castiel is really kind and compassionate. He can be really stubborn and disobedient though, and I think that’s why Michael goes really hard on him. Luci was the same.” Anna explained sadly.

“So what about Gabriel? What happened there?” Dean asked to change the subject.

“Ugh, Gabriel was always pulling pranks. He’s the only one of the brothers that had a sense of humor and boy did it get him in trouble. Gabriel has always had a way with torturing people in what he considers funny ways.” Anna explained. “Luci is the one that started it honestly, he took up magic when he was little and his fascination intrigued Gabriel until he asked to be taught to do something with it. Luci taught him a few of his tricks and Gabriel decided to use them in his school classes and to scare off the other kids. It’s okay though, nobody ever gets too badly hurt and Gabriel mostly does all of it to be funny.”

Before they could continue their conversation, a rock was thrown in their direction.

“LUCIAN’S HERE!!!” Uriel yelled.

“We’ll be right in!” Anna yelled back.

“Guess you get to meet Luci then,” Anna said as she straitened her posture and took in a deep breath.

They headed inside, and there were a lot of mixed emotions. Balthazar quickly dismissed Lucian with a slap on the shoulder and a hello, Michael sulked in the corner ignoring the presence of his younger brother, Castiel was nervous and trying to be polite, whereas Uriel looked at Lucian harshly but let Lucian shake his hand anyways. After Gabriel gave Luci a small brotherly hug and offered him a sweet, Anna went up to Lucian with a small smile and asked if he brought her anything, he simply nodded and motioned to somebody Dean couldn’t see for them to bring the presents.

“What’s up, who’s that?” Sam asked as he snuck around behind him carrying some punch.

“That’s Lucian.” Dean answered dismissively.

“Oooh, the bad brother.” Sam said playfully with a nudge at Dean.

“Yea, it’s weird that he’s here though right? He was basically kicked out.” Dean said focused.

“Well they’re all still family and Christmas has a way of bringing people together,” Sammy smiled at Dean. 

“It’s not everyone’s favorite holiday.” Dean teased, taking Sam’s cup and downing it in one gulp.

“That’s not even spiked!” Dean whispered loudly.

“Maybe not but it is delicious. Gabriel made it. I talked to him for a bit but he said he couldn’t find anything in the kitchen that had any alcohol in it so he had to settle for delicious.” Sam replied with a smile.

“So you and Gabriel are okay then?” Dean asked as he saw his brother’s happy face.

“Yea, he was just messing around. I get that now.” Sammy replied before going back to get more punch.

When Dean looked back into the living room, he recognized somebody he’d hoped never to see again. 

“Meg.” Dean said once she got close enough for him to drag her away to the backyard.

“Hey Dean-o,” She replied with her usual smirk.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked trying to keep his voice down.

“I could ask you the same but I’m sure we have the same answer: I was invited.” Meg said coolly.

“Lucian?” Dean asked.

“Yep, my best friend Luci invited me, said to carpool with him. Guess who else he brought? Ruby! Remember her? She recruited your brother for us, lured him into the club. She was a real piece of work too. I actually bought into the nice girl act myself for a while, then it turned out she’s a grade A bitch! Worse than me.” Meg sneered.

“Where’s Alastair?” Dean asked ignoring her.

“He’s around, and boy is he mad at you. He’ll come after you, I think its best you stay down for now. I don’t particularly like you, but Alastair is a bastard. I want him dead. What if I made a deal with you? I tell you where Alastair is, or at least where you can find him, and you let me go. I didn’t do anything to personally wrong you. I just did what I was told.” Meg bargained.

“Why don’t you just ask your best friend Lucian over there to have him killed?” Dean asked gruffly.

“Because Alastair was one of Lucian’s best friends when getting into this business. Luci won’t do it. Not for me. Not for anyone.” Meg explained.

“So he’d kill me if I hurt Alastair,” Dean said un-amused.

“No, I don’t think so. He’d probably write it off as Alastair having made lots of enemies and getting what he deserves.” Meg replied.

“Deal. Where’s Alastair?” Dean asked determined.

“I’ll call you when I’m on the road with Luci, but for now just sit tight.” Meg said, heading back inside.

“Hi Dean,” Anna said coming out the door.

“Hey Anna,” Dean said with a smile.

“Wanna get out of here?” Anna asked suggestively.

“Where do you wanna go?” Dean asked with a flirty smile.

“Anywhere,” Anna said stepping closer to Dean. “I heard Sam tell Gabe that you guys are moving away and I just thought it’s a shame I’ll probably never get to see you again.”

Dean bit his lip and Anna stood on her toes to give him a small kiss. Dean circled his arms around her waist and drew her closer before they were interrupted.

“Gabriel made-” it was Cas. “Oh. Umm.”

Dean let go of Anna with a frustrated sigh, and Anna looked just about as upset as Dean did.

“What is it Castiel?” Dean asked looking down and trying to keep his voice calm.

“Gabriel made dinner and I’m sure he would appreciate if we all sat down to eat.” Castiel retorted furious. 

There was a look of barely concealed anger on his face, but after getting to know Cas, Dean could see something hurt in his eyes. But he ignored his instinct to ask what was wrong because Castiel would probably brush him off or tell him not to care again.

“Thanks for the update.” Dean huffed, grabbing Anna’s hand gently and leading her into the empty den.

“What are we doing?” she asked curiously.

“Whatever you want,” Dean said. “We can stay here or I can take you for a ride. We can get out through the window.”

“Let’s go,” Anna giggled.

They climbed out the window as quietly as they could, and Dean took her away in his car. Anna started kissing Dean once they had reached a quiet area, and things grew heated quickly, shedding clothing and trailing kisses all over each other’s bodies. Dean could almost swear they steamed up the windows. The soft curves of Anna’s body and the strawberry-like taste of her lips, were almost intoxicating. For a moment, Dean was distracted from his problems but he knew they were still there.

“Okay, that was the best sex I’ve ever had.” Anna said laughing against Dean’s chest.

“I think I did alright,” Dean teased as he trailed a hand against her side.

“Yea, you did.” Anna smiled before sitting up to put her clothing back on.

Dean drove her back to the house and they crawled in through the same window they had left from.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel said calmly from a corner in the den. “Anna.”

“Hello Castiel,” Anna said sheepishly before giving Dean a kiss again and quickly exiting the room.

“Hey Cas.” Dean said annoyed.

“Where did you take her?” Castiel asked upset.

“Out. We had fun.” Dean replied vaguely.

“You shouldn’t have. You took her away from the family.” Castiel said coldly.

“Yea, well I’m pretty positive she had more fun with me than she did here.” Dean replied indifferent.

“Of course she did, you’re enjoyable-” Castiel said before he could stop himself. He froze for a moment, but before Dean could read his expression he schooled his face back to anger.

“What?” Dean asked confused.

“The point is that you took her away and you shouldn’t do it again.” Castiel said before standing up to walk out, but Dean stood in his way.

“Fine.” He sighed. “Cas what the hell happened between us? I don’t remember doing anything wrong and I know that maybe I should but whatever it was I’m sorry. It couldn’t seriously be about me caring, but I want you to know that I can’t- I can’t stop alright? I tried. I didn’t call, I didn’t go over, and I haven’t bothered you in two and a half weeks. I care okay? And it scares the hell out of me because I don’t know why, and now you’re mad at me and the only thing I know for sure is that you can treat me like dirt but I won’t stop caring because I can’t.”

“If you actually cared you wouldn’t have left with Anna through the window.” Castiel said coldly.

“What the hell is your problem? I’m opening up to you and you don’t even give a fuck. If this is you being jealous about Anna, I’m not your fucking boyfriend. You can’t treat me like crap and just expect me to stick around. I have to leave or I’ll end up killing one of us, Cas. I tried my best to do right by you and I thought we were having fun but you start acting like my very presence bothers you. But don’t worry because I’m going away and I’m not coming back. I came today to say goodbye, so goodbye Castiel.” Dean said sadly before walking out of the room.

Dean grabbed Sammy and told him it was time to leave. They said a quick goodbye to everyone and thanked them for letting them stay. 

Castiel felt bad. He _had_ treated Dean like dirt. He didn’t know what Dean meant by leaving but he’d go over to Dean’s apartment and apologize after the holidays. He waited to see Dean out the door, but Dean ignored him with a sad look on his face that nearly broke Castiel’s heart. Sam was confused while Dean rushed him out the door, and something in Castiel’s chest constricted as Dean closed the door in the same defeated way that he had the last time they had talked.


	12. Reconciliations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel apologizes to Dean and explains his behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)

A few days after Christmas had passed and his family had gone to their own homes, Castiel decided to go and apologize to Dean. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say exactly, but he knew he had to say something.

After knocking on Dean’s apartment door for a few minutes, he decided to sit and wait.

“Hi,” A young girl said after watching him for a while.

“Hello,” he replied with a kind smile but unsure of what she wanted.

“What are you doing?” She asked him.

“I’m waiting for my friend to come home.” He explained kindly.

“Oh. You haven’t talked to him in a while huh?” She asked.

“What makes you say that?” Castiel inquired curiously.

“Well, are you waiting for that guy that used to live here? The one with the beautiful green eyes and sandy colored hair, with full pink lips and beautiful, clear, sun-kissed skin?” She asked dreamily.

“Yes, I suppose I am.” Castiel replied, slightly disturbed by her dazed description.

“Well he moved out of here. It was real fast too, I think he left the day after Christmas.” She told him politely.

“Oh,” Castiel was unsure of what to do. “Where did he go? Do you know?”

“Nope, I haven’t the faintest idea. Shame though, I would’ve liked to see him again. He was really nice. I remember he helped me move-in like two months ago. Gosh, he was beautiful.” She said before heading into her own apartment.

“Thank you.” He replied sadly.

What was he supposed to do now? Dean had moved and Castiel didn’t know where, and it wasn’t like he knew where to find anybody that knew Dean. Then an idea sparked in his mind and he went back to Stanford.

~

Castiel spent the better half of an hour looking into all of the cafés on and around the Stanford campus, when he finally looked into one and saw Gabriel.

“Gabriel!” Castiel yelled as he got into the small establishment.

“Hiya Cassie, how’d you find me?” He asked pouring a cup of coffee for a customer.

“Sam told me once,” Castiel explained.

“Alright well, what can I get you?” Gabriel said content with Castiel’s response.

“I need Sam Winchester’s phone number,” Castiel half-demanded half-pleaded.

“Nuh-uh. That ass is mine.” Gabriel teased.

“I need to know where Dean moved to!” Castiel said hysterical.

“Woah, they didn’t tell you where they went?” Gabriel asked a little upset. “Crap friends.”

“No, they didn’t but it was my fault. What do you mean they? Dean and Sam moved away _together_?” Castiel asked.

“Well yea. Samsquatch told me a little bit about it at the family party.” Gabriel explained.

“Tell me.” Castiel demanded.

“Hold on little bro, learn to say please.” Gabriel teased, but he didn’t force anything. “Sam told me that Dean wanted to move down to LA. He said Dean didn’t really want to live here anymore and since Sam had finished his Stanford education, he wanted to go with Dean. I heard Dean picked out a house and they had already been moving before Christmas. Sam said that they would be taking all their friends down to spend the rest of the holidays at the new house to help get settled in and be together for New Year’s.”

“So he’s gone.” Castiel said sadly, sitting down on a nearby chair.

“Sam said he’d give me the address to come by and visit once they get settled in.” Gabriel said to cheer Castiel up.

“Would you tell me when you get it?” Castiel asked, looking up with big sad eyes.

“Of course I will, why do you think I told you about it? I’m gonna drive up so you wanna carpool?” Gabriel offered kindly.

“Yes, I would like that.” Castiel said with a small smile.

“So what happened that Dean decided to leave without telling you?” Gabriel asked casually.

“I hurt him, I was unkind. He tried to forgive me and he gave me many opportunities to apologize but I was stubborn.” Castiel said shamefully.

“Why were you so stubborn Cassie?” Gabriel asked sitting down on the chair opposite.

“I fell for him.” Castiel whispered softly.

“Well if that isn’t the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!” Gabriel yelled standing back up.

“What?” Castiel asked dumbly.

“Cassie, first of all: it truly baffles me that anyone could fall for Dean Winchester. Secondly, I am pretty damn sure that the only reason you pushed him away is because of our ridiculous family. Screw them! They’re a bunch of hypocrites! Michael thinks he’s so righteous but he turns away anybody that won’t follow his rules _exactly_ , and Luci thinks that rebelling is gonna help anything and constantly gets into problems with the law. Uriel is the worst though, he thinks he’s so great. Remember how he used to boast about being special because father chose him and was forced to keep all of us? Dick-less monkey. I remember him following Luce around like a puppy, and I know that he still does things for him no matter how many times he turns his nose up at us. Anna and Balthazar are sluts, but they have more morals than all of our siblings combined. You shouldn’t feel bad about liking another man Castiel, because if it takes being a stuck up asshole to get to heaven, I’m not entirely sure I want to go. You can’t help who you’re attracted to and nobody should feel bad about _loving_ someone.” Gabriel ranted loudly in the small café.

“Gabriel, I don’t want to be like Lucian.” Castiel replied softly, looking down.

“Then don’t be! Be yourself Castiel.” Gabriel supplied helpfully before walking back behind the counter.

~

The day after New Year’s, Gabriel called Castiel and told him that Sam had invited him over and had finally given him the address. Castiel drove over to Gabriel’s place and they took his car. It was a long drive, around 6-7 hours and they had to alternate a few times. Gabriel yammered on the whole ride and sang along to “Candy Man” when Castiel had made the mistake of turning on the radio.

“Sweet… sugar…candy man.” Gabriel sang suggestively and Castiel almost had a heart attack since Gabriel was driving but he wasn’t looking at the road while dancing in his seat.

Castiel drove the rest of the way after that, and Gabriel didn’t argue. They stopped at a gas station and Gabriel bought a lot of candy, including some suckers he licked at noisily to annoy Castiel.

Castiel thought they hadn’t reached the house soon enough, but it was a beautiful house. It was three stories high and had a white gate in the front that was open. Castiel parked in the driveway and they got out to ring the doorbell.

“Sam why don’t you ever get the damn door?” Castiel heard Dean yell from inside.

The door opened and Dean’s eyes widened when he saw Castiel standing there next to Gabriel.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel said shyly with a nervous smile.

“Hiya Dean-o! Where’s the sexy lawyer?” Gabriel asked sliding into the house.

Castiel heard Gabriel call for Sam and saw Sam come running down the stairs with a smile on his face before taking him into a different room without even noticing Castiel.

“Cas, what the hell are you doing here?” Dean asked confused.

“I came to apologize and explain…” Castiel replied shyly.

“Oh, umm… come in,” Dean said distracted as he stepped aside.

“I came to ask for forgiveness, but I don’t expect it.” Castiel told Dean as he stepped inside and Dean closed the door.

“Come with me, I’m not sure Sam’s ready to see you just yet.” Dean said pulling Castiel’s sleeve slightly before letting go awkwardly and heading upstairs.

They reached the third floor and walked into Dean’s room. His weapons were still on the walls, but some of them were missing and the walls were painted a forest green that brought out Dean’s eyes instead of the tan from his old apartment. The bedframe was the same, but the sheets on the mattress were white and the comforter was grey instead of blue. Dean no longer had a poster on his closet door because it was a mirror now. The room was bigger than the apartment’s, but Dean had managed to fill in the spaces, mostly with a desk that Dean had placed in a corner. 

“You bought a house,” Castiel observed conversationally.

“Yea, I had a bit of money saved up and I didn’t really know how else to spend it. Sam helped out with some of the payment though. Sammy’s never really had a house before and I wanted to give him this. Little did I know he’d get plaid wall-paper.” Dean replied with a smile as he sat on his bed. 

“What’s wrong with that?” Castiel inquired curiously.

“Nothin’ it’s just funny,” Dean said looking down.

There was a pause.

“I’m sorry for the way I acted before, Dean.” Castiel apologized once the silence had grown too thick.

“Yea, well it happens.” Dean said still not looking up.

“No, it doesn’t. I mistreated you when you had done nothing wrong. I was just afraid.” Castiel said as he sat on the desk chair.

“This might not be a great question, but scared of what?” Dean asked finally looking up at Castiel with curious eyes.

Castiel could see that Dean’s guard was still up, but he could also tell that Dean was willing to listening to him.

“Acceptance,” Castiel replied.

“I know you’re a little weird, but I thought I’d made it clear I’d accept you however.” Dean said bashfully.

“Yes, well it was my family that made me feel bad about who I am.” Castiel said making sure that Dean understood that none of this had been his fault.

“Dicks,” Dean smirked to try and cheer Castiel up, and Castiel gave him a small smile in return.

“I like you Dean. I enjoy our talks and our time together. It hurt when I saw you sneak off with Anna… I-It hurt to see her kiss you… It hurt to see you kiss her back.” Castiel confessed.

“Oh,” Dean said dumbly.

“You understand?” Castiel asked nervously.

“You don’t want your family to know you like a dude.” Dean said avoiding Castiel’s gaze.

“Dean, I’ve never been attracted to women, or men for that matter.” Castiel explained. “Yes, you are aesthetically pleasing but you’re more than that to me. I don’t see a man when I look at you, I see pure light and something wonderful that is beyond my comprehension. I see true righteousness and fury and unadulterated love. Dean, I see _you_. I see everything that you are, and if that comes in the shape of a man, then I’ll take being shunned by my siblings and being thrown out of places and being yelled at or have things thrown at me or be damned for eternity because you are everything good I’ve ever wanted or ever wanted to be. You are my heaven.”

Dean sat staring at Castiel. Silence took over and Dean remained unmoved for a while. Castiel thought perhaps he had said too much, perhaps he should leave. He turned to exit through the door but before he could turn the handle, Dean had grabbed his hand and spun him around, catching Castiel in his arms and pressing his lips firmly against Castiel’s. 

“Don’t you dare leave me again,” Dean said after the kiss as he rested their foreheads against each other.

“Alright,” Castiel replied completely shocked.

Dean moved his head back to look into Castiel’s surprised blue eyes. 

“Close your eyes,” Dean said softly, and Castiel obeyed.

Dean kissed him again, and the hand that was still around Castiel’s wrist came up to tangle their fingers together. He bit at Castiel’s lips before soothing it with his tongue and angled Castiel’s head up to a more comfortable position. He deepened the kiss while he pressed Castiel’s body closer to his own with the hand resting at the small of Castiel’s back. The kiss was a little messy, and Castiel wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing since it was his first, but Dean kissed him senseless and soon Castiel was tugging Dean closer with the hand that wasn’t still tangled with Dean’s.

They both needed air, and Dean pulled away slightly.

“Sam’s gonna be looking for me,” Dean whispered quietly.

“Gabriel probably already told him that I’m here,” Castiel whispered back, completely out of breath.

“Then he’s really gonna be looking for me,” Dean said with a smirk before stepping back and letting go of Castiel. “C’mon.”

They went downstairs where Gabriel was sitting on top of Sam on the recliner and fighting with him on what to watch.

“CSI is a great show!” he said yanking the remote out of Sam’s hands.

“It sucks and we’re watching Game of Thrones! Now get off of me!” Sam said trying to grab the remote out of the small man’s hands.

“Sorry Gigantor no can do.” Gabriel said squirming a bit on Sam’s lap to make him uncomfortable.

“Don’t do that!” Sam yelped.

“Does it turn you on?” Gabriel teased, taking out a sucker and licking it suggestively.

“Alright that’s enough you two,” Dean laughed pushing Gabriel over the side of the chair.

“Gabe said you two were talking it out, how’d it go?” Sam asked standing up and awkwardly tugging at his pants.

“I’d say it went well,” Dean smiled brightly as he looked over at Cas who was turning red.

“I can see it went _very_ well,” Gabriel leered as he walked over to poke at Castiel.

“But he’s not-” Sam started.

“Don’t worry yourself about it. I’m pretty sure me and Cas are gonna have a lot to talk about right now, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t still mad at him. The guy has been stressed lately and he’s forgiven okay?” Dean interrupted.

“Okay. Say, are they gonna spend the night here?” Sam asked slightly nervous.

“Yea. We have extra rooms, if you two are gonna need separate rooms.” Dean teased.

“Nope but thanks for the offer,” Gabriel winked.

“Yea, he’ll be needing the room farthest away from mine.” Sam groaned.

“But then how will I be able to sneak into your room in the middle of the night?” Gabriel teased.

“You won’t,” Sam replied un-amused.

“Alright, you got me. I love a good challenge.” Gabriel said raising his eyebrows twice suggestively.

Dean chuckled before taking Castiel to the second floor to a small closet.

“The beds already have blankets and stuff but I know you get cold so I’ll put another one, just pick a room.” Dean said smiling.

Castiel smiled and took Dean’s free hand in his and led him back to the third floor to his room.

“A bit presumptuous don’t ya think,” Dean teased, but he put the blanket at the edge of the bed anyways.

“I’m not suggesting anything inappropriate- well I don’t mean- I just-” Castiel babbled.

“I get it. You like to cuddle. I got that the first time, remember?” Dean reminisced fondly.

“Thank you,” Castiel said awkwardly.

“No problem,” Dean replied, kissing Castiel’s forehead softly.

“You brought something to sleep in right?” Dean asked stepping away to add the blanket under the comforter.

“I umm… I hadn’t really thought I would be staying over… I thought I would be leaving…” Castiel replied looking down.

“Cas, if you didn’t think I would forgive you after a speech like that, then you don’t know me very well.” Dean said grabbing Castiel by the waist and pulling him in for a chaste kiss.

“That would have been presumptuous.” Castiel said with a smile as he pulled away. “Besides, I hadn’t actually prepared a speech and I had forgotten how far away Los Angeles is from San Francisco and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just wanted to see you.”

“Aww, you’re such a romantic, Cas.” Dean teased as he nuzzled their noses together.

Castiel didn’t say anything, just stood holding Dean close for a few minutes until Dean pulled away and said he had to make dinner.

They ate some homemade burgers that Dean had prepared, Gabriel said it wasn’t sweet enough for his taste and kept trying to touch Sam’s dick under the table. Sam’s face was red and he choked a few times on his burger until Dean stood up to grab Gabriel’s chair and dragged it to the furthest corner of the table.

“I made delicious burgers, so you are going to sit tight and wait to harass Sam after he’s finished it okay?.” He scolded.

Castiel snickered at that but bit into his burger before anyone but Dean could see.

They watched “The Shining” before going to sleep and Gabriel kept saying that he couldn’t sleep alone after watching Jack Nicholson try to kill his family and kept following Sam into his room. Finally, Sam picked him up and threw him into the room that was furthest away from his and held the handle closed while Gabriel tried to open it. 

“I like it rough too big boy!” Gabriel called to Sam through the door.

Dean laughed as Sam looked at him helplessly while Gabriel described himself undressing. The third floor was empty of noise but Dean was still laughing at his brother having to deal with Gabriel’s flirting. 

Dean suggested Castiel sleep naked so he wouldn’t wrinkle his clothing, but Castiel gave Dean a sharp look and Dean gave him some Star Wars pajama bottoms to wear with one of his black t-shirts that was a little too big on Cas.

Castiel changed in the bathroom and Dean told him there were spare tooth brushes in the cabinet. He had been prepared if some of his previous guests had forgotten anything. 

Castiel went back to Dean’s room and saw Dean lying down under the covers already on the side that he’d been on the last time they’d shared. He crawled into his side and was unsure of how to position himself before Dean wrapped an arm around Castiel and pressed their bodies together, wrapping his bowed legs around Castiel’s cold feet.

“What’s your favorite movie Cas?” Dean murmured happily into Castiel’s hair.

“I’m tempted to say ‘The Shining’,” Castiel replied with a smile as he turned to look back at Dean over his shoulder.

“Yea, but what is it really? Or do you not watch television?” Dean asked as he pressed his hand against Castiel’s chest, over his heart.

Castiel rolled over to look at Dean.

“I never really watched movies before,” he explained. “My family thinks that the television is a satanic device and I never really found anything that interested me while channel surfing.”

“I know what movie you’d like,” Dean mumbled as he rolled over to face Castiel and scooted closer. “I’ll show you tomorrow.”

“Alright,” Castiel said as he laid his forehead against Dean’s chest and listened to his heartbeat. It was racing like a machine gun and Castiel couldn’t help smiling knowing that it was because of him. 

“I missed you,” Dean said softly into Castiel’s hair.

“Why did you move?” Castiel asked a little sadly.

“I had to. I’m pretty sure somebody would’ve found me if I stayed in the apartment.” Dean explained, nuzzling his cheek against Castiel’s soft hair.

“Why’d you have to move so far away?” Castiel inquired as he lightly circled shapes on Dean’s chest with his fingers.

“It’s not that far,” Dean replied. 

His right arm was still resting on Castiel’s side, and he gently moved his hand to Castiel’s hip.

“You got nice hipbones.” Dean commented lightly.

“Hipbones?” Castiel asked surprised and confused while looking up at Dean with squinted eyes.

“Hey, I don’t get it either but those are sexy hipbones.” Dean smiled as he moved his hand to cup the back of Castiel’s head and placed it back against his chest.

“You’re very strange,” Castiel whispered as he snuggled comfortably against Dean.

“I know. Now go to sleep my angel.” Dean whispered softly into Castiel’s ear, kissing behind it before lying back down and hugging Castiel closer.

“Goodnight Dean,” Castiel replied. A shiver going down his spine at Dean’s remark.

After a while Dean had thought Castiel had fallen asleep because he was so quiet, but Castiel was awake to hear Dean whisper:

“I only ever notice my heartbeat when I see you Cas, like it only beats when you’re around. This is so damn girly but I have to say it, even if you can’t hear it. You’re everything good I want and want to be too.”

Castiel lay awake with thoughts consuming his mind after that, but Dean’s breath evened out eventually and Castiel could hear Dean’s heartbeat slow down into a relaxing rhythm that ultimately rocked him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's Chapter 12 :3


	13. Conversations and Torture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean decides to hunt down Alastair after Cas and Gabe leave.

Dean woke up before Castiel the next morning. The closet door was a mirror and he and Cas had managed to spoon during the night facing it. Dean couldn’t help thinking how perfectly they fit together as he watched Castiel sleeping peacefully through the mirror. He got out of the bed quietly and headed downstairs to make breakfast before the others got up as well. He made some eggs and fried some bacon, letting the smells arouse them from their slumber.

Gabriel had managed to break into Sammy’s room and the first noise Dean heard any of them make was a scream from Sam telling Gabriel to get out and put on some pants.

“Geez, you’d think you’d never seen a penis before.” Gabriel said as he sauntered back to his assigned room.

“Oh my God! GABRIEL!” Castiel screeched.

Dean was already laughing his face off by the time a bed-headed, distressed Sam came running down the stairs to the kitchen and looking for a knife.

“OH MY GOD MY EYES!!!” Sammy screamed while Dean was trying his best to push Sam away from doing anything drastic. 

“Cutting them out won’t help Sammy, it’ll just be the last thing you ever see.” Dean managed to say in his fit of laughter.

“Don’t be such a prude!” Gabriel yelled from the upper level.

Castiel came looking same as usual if a little bit upset.

“I apologize for my brother’s behavior. He has always been… difficult.” Cas said to Sam with a sympathetic look on his face.

“Don’t worry about it Cas, it’s his own fault for inviting him anyways.” Dean replied, offering Castiel a piece of bacon he had just bitten into. Castiel took it gratefully.

“I woke up and you weren’t there…” Castiel said biting into the bacon.

“Yea, figured we could have a nice breakfast. I didn’t know that your brother would be mentally scarring you guys though.” Dean said with a smile.

“You guys slept together?” Sam asked suspiciously.

“That’s all we did Sam. Castiel is a delicate person that needed some cuddles after the scary movie last night so I figured we could share.” Dean replied carelessly as he served the eggs on the plates.

“You offered cuddles?” Sam asked in disbelief.

“Well not- it’s none of your business okay? Besides, neither of us were naked unlike somebody and his bedmate, so you better shut your face.” Dean said harshly.

“No need to get so defensive about it. I don’t care what you do in bed with guys.” Sam said with a cough as he stepped into the other room with the plates Dean had served.

“Sorry about that. Sammy’s a bit nosy.” Dean apologized to Cas.

“I’m not sure if we should say anything about… anything…” Castiel said looking down to avoid Dean’s gaze.

“Oh. Umm yea, sure if you don’t want to say anything about us that’s fine.” Dean replied uncomfortably. 

“I’m just not sure what there is to tell…” Castiel explained uneasily.

“Yea, I mean it was just a few kisses and some fun… not like we’re anything right now… there’s nothing to tell…” Dean babbled before taking the remaining plates to the dining room table where Sam was.

Gabriel and Castiel left after breakfast and a few awkward goodbyes from all of them except Gabriel who shook Dean’s hand lazily and slapped Sam’s ass as a farewell. Sam was left uncomfortable but smiling seeing as he still wasn’t completely okay with Castiel for being such a dick to his brother and Dean was unsure of what to do with his body. 

Should he hug Cas? Just a handshake? It was unsettling so he simply waved and stared at his shoes.

Eventually they drove away and Dean was left confused. Castiel had seemed to want a relationship the day before, but had woken up with a different disposition. Dean was left in a bad mood. 

“So what happened with Cas? Why was he acting like such a jerk a while ago?” Sam asked later on in the day.

“He was having issues with his family and hanging out with us wasn’t helping, let’s just leave it at that shall we?” Dean replied curtly.

“Who crapped in your cornflakes?” Sam asked offended.

“What does that even-? Whatever. No one, I just don’t want to talk about Cas right now. We gotta get jobs and I think we should be spending more time focusing on that, rather than some guy that currently lives seven hours away.” Dean snapped.

“You’re right. If we want to pay off this house then we’re gonna need money.” Sam replied ignoring Dean’s tone.

“Actually the house is already paid off. It’s ours.” Dean informed Sammy, turning to look at him with a huge grin on his face.

“What? Dude I only helped with the first payment!” Sam said looking amazed at Dean.

“Well the house was pretty cheap and I had a lot of money saved up so I bought it. All of it.” Dean explained, gladly accepting the hug that Sammy gave him.

“This is unbelievable! We have a house!” Sam said excited.

“Only took me 25 years but I got you one Sammy,” Dean said proudly, his smile consuming his face.

“Thanks Dean,” Sam said excitedly, patting his brother on the back. “I’m buying us dinner then!”

“Nope, I got steaks in the fridge. We’re eating in and filling out job applications.” Dean said determined, taking out Sam’s laptop.

“Alright fine,” Sammy replied, and they spent the rest of the day looking for jobs.

~

“Cassie what’s up? You haven’t made a frustrated sigh at any of my inappropriate remarks.” Gabriel observed after 5 hours of silence from Castiel.

“Nothing,” Cas grunted, focusing on driving.

“What happened with Dean?” Gabriel asked with a sigh.

“We’re friends again,” Castiel supplied unhelpfully.

“Hmm. What about being more?” Gabriel asked as he put his feet on the glove-compartment.

“I’m not sure I want that yet,” Castiel replied keeping his eyes on the road.

Gabriel scoffed. “Well what about Dean? Does he want to be more than just friends? Honestly Cassie, you’re holding out on me.”

“I don’t know, I didn’t ask but it would seem so.” Castiel said frustrated.

“What’s holding you back really then?” Gabriel asked annoyed.

“I’m not sure I want to ruin my friendship with Dean with a relationship that could potentially drive him away.” Castiel replied exasperated.

“You’re driving him away on your own you know.” Gabriel informed him as he looked out the window.

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked, turning to squint his eyes at his brother before turning back to look at the road.

“I know you’re new to the whole dating thing (or friendship thing for that matter), and I honestly never thought I’d care about Dean’s emotional state, but Castiel you are toying with the poor guy’s feelings. I know you don’t mean to but gee-whiz Cas, you’ve got this guy’s heart on a rollercoaster and eventually he’s gonna want to get off.” Gabriel explained.

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked confused.

“What I mean is that you can’t keep pushing him away or eventually he’s gonna stop coming back.” Gabriel simplified.

Castiel thought over what Gabriel said, and after noticing that Castiel wasn’t being bothered by his usual tricks, Gabriel gave up and stuck to eating more candy he bought from another stop at a gas station and singing along to more Christina Aguilera songs.

~

Castiel considered very carefully what Gabriel had told him in the car, even after he’d dropped him off back at his apartment.

He wanted Dean in his life but things were going to be harder now that he lived so far away. Not to mention that Castiel still wasn’t sure what he was going to tell the rest of his family.

~

Meg had called Dean with another tip about Alastair and Dean had gone to check on it a few days ago.

“Dean, where were you? You’ve been gone for three days!” Sam asked worriedly when Dean came back home.

“Out,” Dean replied stubbornly.

“Yea, but where? Dude I was worried out of my mind and it’s not like I can call the cops and tell them about a missing person. Even your phone was off so where the hell did you go?” Sam snapped back.

“I had some business to take care of. It’s not over yet, but it will be soon so don’t worry about it.” Dean said calmly.

“That’s all you’re going to tell me, isn’t it?” Sam asked annoyed.

“Yep.” Dean replied easily.

“Fine. Just know that if you need any help with whatever you’re doing, you can call me and I’ll come running at the first sign of trouble.” Sam said dropping the subject knowing his brother wouldn’t tell him anything and walked away.

~

“Meg, what the hell is going on?” Dean asked harshly as he assessed the situation.

They were in an abandoned warehouse and Meg was there with a tied up, bleeding and gagged Castiel.

“Neat, huh? Alastair decided to use one of your old tricks on good old Cassie here.” Meg smirked, making Dean’s insides turn.

“What the hell did you do, you fucking bitch?” Dean asked stepping forward to hit her.

“Woah, slow down, I didn’t do anything. We’re all prisoners here, including me.” Meg replied stepping back and showing that her legs were chained and raising her arms that had cuts and bruises all over them.

“Why the fuck is Cas here and being tortured?” Dean asked trying to keep his voice leveled and the bile in his stomach from coming out through his mouth.

“Cas here’s been playing my boyfriend since New Year’s. I saw him and I thought he was cute and boy is he buckets of fun. Sweet, innocent, harmless little Cas.” Meg explained. “I hadn’t known that he’d kicked Alastair’s ass before, and when Alastair came hunting for Castiel over there, I was with him. Apparently Alastair thinks he’s got some connection to you. I didn’t know about that either, but it is a bonus.”

Dean wasn’t going to waste any more time talking to her, so he ran past her over to Castiel and started untying him.

“How the hell did he get you man?” Dean asked, desperately cutting at the ropes.

“Meg and I were in an alley and got jumped by a few men. I couldn’t fight them all off even though I tried. They knocked me out and I woke up here.” Castiel managed to say as he gasped for air and spat out his own blood from the gag that Dean had removed.

“Alright, well we can worry about that later. We gotta get out of here.” Dean said catching Castiel’s weight because Castiel could barely hold himself up from the cuts and bruises all over his skin.

“Hey! What about me?” Meg yelled when Dean turned to leave.

“Alright fine. But only because we might run into trouble.” Dean huffed as he moved to lean Castiel against the wall.

Dean made quick work of her bindings and noticed her walking with a limp.

“Well you’re gonna be no help,” Dean panted as he draped Castiel’s arm around him again and rolled his eyes.

“You’re so compassionate Dean,” Meg retorted sarcastically.

“Just be glad I didn’t leave your skank ass here.” Dean said as they exited the warehouse.

Dean managed to place Castiel in the back of the impala with as little movement as possible and told Meg to sit in the back with him in case they got shot at so she could be his meat-shield.

“Thanks for the concern.” Meg replied annoyed.

Dean dropped Meg off a few blocks away near a payphone and she got out after some argument. Then Dean went to one of his old safe houses to take care of Cas.

Castiel grunted and squirmed in pain once Dean had laid him down on a cleared table.

“You’re gonna be okay. I’ve seen worse.” Dean murmured as he tried to soothe Castiel and brushed a hand through the other man’s hair.

Dean grabbed his medical kit from a cabinet nearby and began to take care of Castiel’s wounds, trying his best to be professional through the screams of pain that escaped his friend’s mouth when Dean poured alcohol on the wounds to sanitize them.

After working his best on healing the wounds Castiel had on his chest and legs, he was terrified when he turned him over and saw two large gashes on his back unlike any that Dean had seen before. They were deep and evenly cut across Castiel’s shoulders.

“What the hell did he do to you Cas?” Dean asked quietly in shock. Dean could feel tears fighting to escape behind his eyes, but he couldn’t let them fog his vision and he let them fall before wiping them away.

“He kept saying- ah-” Castiel tried to explain with a grunt even though he was half unconscious.

“Shh, it’s okay Cas. You can tell me later.” Dean soothed gently.

“He said ‘what’s an angel with clipped wings?’ when he cut those in.” Castiel gasped out.

“What?” Dean asked disbelieving. 

How the hell did Alastair know about Castiel’s nickname?

“It hurts!” Castiel cried out when Dean poured some alcohol on the wounds.

“I know. I’m so sorry but they can’t get infected. I’m so sorry.” Dean whispered as he pet Castiel’s hair to try and calm him down before getting back to the task at hand.

“Dean please!” Castiel screamed into his arm.

“Shh, just let yourself fall asleep. I’ll take care of you.” Dean lulled as he tried to sew the skin back together.

Castiel was in too much pain to let himself pass out and Dean had a hard time concentrating while hearing Castiel groan when things got too agonizing. 

Dean used all the bandages he had to try and patch Castiel up, but he knew he’d need to go on a supply run for more. Dean didn’t want to leave Castiel alone and he knew that eventually Alastair would track them down to the safe-house so he called Sam.

Sam showed up with more medical supplies and a ton of questions.

“Now’s not the time Sam! I’m busy.” Dean scolded when Sam kept asking.

“Alright fine!” Sam said frustrated at the lack of communication.

“I need you to do me another favor.” Dean said more calm. “I need you to make a trail to throw Alastair off if you still remember how to do it. Just remember what Dad and I taught you and you should be fine.”

Sam did what he was told and came back a while later.

“You remember to leave a stolen car?” Dean asked as he piled Castiel into the impala.

“Yea, I know how to make a false trail Dean.” Sam replied offended. “You guys get back to the house and I’ll cover up behind you.”

“Okay,” Dean said as he turned the key in the ignition and drove away.

~

Castiel woke up a few days later and found himself lying down on Dean’s bed. He turned his neck with a little bit of difficulty to find Dean watching him from the desk chair.

“That’s creepy you know.” Castiel smiled despite the discomfort.

“Not if you’ve been passed out for 5 and a-half days.” Dean smiled back, standing up and walking over to the bed.

“How’re you feeling Cas?” he asked gently.

“I don’t really remember what happened. I remember Alastair binding me and torturing me, but I don’t remember much else after that.” Castiel replied, hiding a wince as he tried to sit up.

“Woah, take it easy. I don’t want you to rip your stiches.” Dean said worriedly as he gently placed a hand on Castiel’s chest to make sure he didn’t try to move again.

“My whole body feels numb,” Castiel said observantly.

“That’s the drugs I got pumping through your system. You’re probably thirsty too huh?” Dean asked, reaching over to the desk where there was a pitcher of water and a glass.

“Yes. Thank you Dean.” Castiel replied with a grateful smile.

“Don’t worry about it. This is all my fault. I should’ve guessed that he’d be trying to go after you if I went after him. What I don’t get is the angel wings. Cas, I don’t know if you can remember but was there anybody there when you took me to the hospital and I called you an angel?” Dean asked.

“Yes, sometimes there would be nurses or doctors coming in to check on you frequently.” Castiel replied, disappointed that he couldn’t be more helpful.

“It could have been any one of them. Don’t worry about it Cas, I just needed to know.” Dean answered with a small assuring smile.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said quietly.

“For what?” Dean asked confused.

“Meg, she was nice and she called me a few days after the Christmas party. We had gone on a date before I came to visit you.” Castiel explained.

“Hey, you don’t need to apologize for that. I get it if you want to see someone else. You made it pretty clear we would just be staying friends and that’s fine.” Dean shushed him softly.

“Are you okay with that Dean?” Castiel asked, remembering what Gabriel had told him.

“Yea of course I am, Cas.” Dean smiled. “I get that things are complicated right now and the last thing you need is somebody pushing you into a relationship. Besides, I’m not really ready for one yet either so yea, I’m okay with it.”

“Alright, I just didn’t know you’d understand so well.” Castiel said and smiled.

~

After the healing process and some mothering from Dean, Sam decided it was time for Castiel to go home.

“Here, take these and only take them if you need them.” Dean said as he slipped Vicodine into Castiel’s pocket.

“Are these legal?” Castiel asked as he fixed his coat on.

“Eh… I’m gonna say yea and you’re not gonna question it.” Dean said finally.

Castiel chuckled at that and took the pills before Dean dropped him back off at his apartment.

“I’ll see ya later, Cas.” Dean said with a small wave and was off.


	14. Alastair Finally Gets What He's Had Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finally finds Alastair, then he encounters somebody else...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really was skeptical about posting this as it is...

Dean was out for blood. Specifically Alastair’s.

He spent two weeks killing and torturing anyone that had any information on Alastair’s location until he found the bastard.

“So, you found me.” Alastair said blandly when Dean had finished tying him up.

“Way to state the obvious,” Dean snarked from where he had his torturing devices.

“Did you see what I did to your little boyfriend? How I mutilated his body? Apparently you did because it was your turn to save him when I came back to check on him.” Alastair sneered.

“Shut up,” Dean warned, stabbing Alastair with a paralytic drug so that he couldn’t struggle or try to escape.

“You got to him just before I got to the really fun part. And I’m pretty sure the guy’s a virgin.” Alastair managed to say before he lost movement in his face.

Dean slashed and burned and stabbed at Alastair angrily while muffled screams came out of Alastair’s paralyzed mouth. Dean felt both exhilarated and scared. He was enjoying what he was doing, but it frightened him to remember how much he missed cutting into someone’s skin and hearing them cry out for it to stop while no one could hear them.

“How about I ensure you never have that kind of fun ever again?” Dean growled as he started to strip Alastair of his pants.

Alastair managed to scream ‘wait’ despite hardly being able to move.

“What’s that? Nope, I can’t understand you.” Dean mocked as he took out the knife that Alastair had gifted him once.

It was the first time Dean had seen Alastair scared. Dean had been torturing him for hours now, but Alastair had simply screamed in pain but not for mercy. Now though, Alastair’s eyes were wide as he tried his best to move his lips to make coherent words if not sentences. 

Dean was overcome with the simple power of finally breaking the man and he reveled in it. He couldn’t hear the words Alastair was saying or trying to say. The idea of it inebriated him so completely he would barely even remember doing this later. 

After the screams of pain and the begging, Dean looked into Alastair’s eyes and saw them dead, devoid of all feeling except for pain and loss. Dean knew he’d done enough and that Alastair could no longer feel physical pain, so he sat in a chair and simply watched Alastair regain slight movement. 

Alastair tried to struggle out of his binds, but his resolve was hardly even there anymore. Dean was contemplating letting Alastair go, but he knew that now was the best time to get Alastair to answer some questions that he had.

“What’s your connection to Lucian Novak?” Dean asked scooting his chair closer, in front of Alastair.

“Why should I tell you anything?” Alastair tried to say with an even voice, but Dean was sure that he’d broken him.

“Because I can either let you go or kill you. I’m willing to let you choose if you answer all my little questions.” Dean replied smiling darkly.

“He’s a friend of mine from high-school. He dealt in drugs back then, and he recruited me to help him.” Alastair complied after some thought.

“What is it that he does now?” Dean asked now that Alastair was answering him.

“He runs a whole chain of places like Hell. Hell was our first business together, with Azazel.” Alastair explained panting. “He’s in every damn thing you can think of. He’s got illegal fighting rings, meth labs, corrupts lawyers and politicians under his thumb. He works all over the world, giving the people what it is they really want.”

“And what’s that?” Dean asked.

“Different kinds of ways to destroy themselves,” Alastair replied sinisterly before spitting out some blood.

“What was Azazel before I killed him? How did he tie in and what did he want with Sammy?” Dean queried after a pause to think about what Alastair had said.

“Azazel was Luci’s pet. Azazel was there to keep an eye on me since Lucian knew that I don’t listen to him. I don’t take orders from anyone.” Alastair responded smugly.

“I ask again: What did he want with Sammy?” Dean repeated, annoyed by Alastair’s pride.

“Lilith had told us to recruit him. Lucian wanted him for something, but only she and Azazel knew what. Azazel sent Meg to try to get your brother to join us, but he caught on that she wasn’t very good, so then he sent Ruby.” Alastair answered looking down at his body which was torn up and covered in blood.

“Does Ruby know what Lucian wants with my brother?” Dean inquired, standing up from his chair.

“Probably. She is Lilith’s best friend, does all her dirty work for her.” Alastair replied obviously barely holding onto his life with shallow breaths.

“One more question and we’re done here: why did you kidnap Castiel?” Dean asked interested.

“That was just fun. Your ‘angel’ was a thorn in my side. He’s stronger than he looks though, I’ll give him that. It took a severe blow to the head to knock him out, and that was a hard hit to get in. I’d thought he’d just gotten the better of me when he took you away because I was surprised and a little bit tired. And yes I was, but he’s a fighter.” Alastair explained. “Also, I thought I’d poke some fun at you after seeing how fond you are of your savior.”

Dean had gotten all the answers he needed from Alastair and was getting tired of his nasal voice. He stabbed him in the heart with spite before picking up his tools calmly and walking out, leaving Alastair hanging by the arms on his own torture rack. 

~

Sam was worried about Dean lately. He didn’t seem to be himself, he seemed more empowered which was great, but he also seemed less compassionate. Dean was always hard on the surface, but now he seemed to be broken somehow. Sometimes Sam would catch him staring blankly at the television when they were watching a movie that Dean supposedly loved. He stopped mouthing them word for word. 

Dean just wasn’t Dean.

“So have you found a job yet?” Sammy asked while watching Galaxy Quest.

“Nope,” Dean said blandly as he continued to stare at the television without watching it.

“Dude, c’mon. I thought you were all for us finding jobs but it’s starting to seem like you only meant me.” Sam said, turning towards his brother as he paused the movie and turned off the TV.

“We were watching something!” Dean half yelled as he lifted his arms up in anger.

“No, I was watching something I’ve never really liked but you always insisted on watching, while you were staring at the television not even really knowing what was going on.” Sam clarified.

“What the hell are you talking about? I was watching it.” Dean said defensively.

“Alright, then where did I pause at?” Sam asked with raised eyebrows as he waited for his brother’s response.

“They were- Sigourney Weaver was just about to- Tim Allen was facing the- ugh, pig lizard?” Dean tried, but Sam kept shaking his head. 

“They were landing on an alien planet and Guy wanted to go back and started yelling about not having a last name.” Sam explained blandly, proving his point.

“Okay, you’ve made your point. I just blacked out for a bit, it’s no big deal.” Dean countered as he stood up to take his cup to the kitchen.

“You’ve done it with every movie we’ve watched. You don’t even pick them anymore! I thought it was a good thing, maybe you were giving me more choices in what we did but now it’s like you generally just don’t care about anything.” Sam ranted. “Cas called the other day, but when I told you, you just said you’d call him back and never did. I thought you were mad at him but ever since you disappeared on me for like two friggin’ weeks, it’s like you never really came back.”

“What the hell do you want me to say?” Dean asked vacantly.

“I want you to tell me why you’ve been so distant lately.” Sam said angrily at his brother’s lack of emotion.

“Maybe I just feel a bit suffocated. Ever think of that? We moved in together and I get that you’re trying to pick up after yourself and help clean around the house but you leave streak marks on the windows and you forget to put the seat down.” Dean said casually, but Sam could tell he was making excuses.

“You mean to tell me this is about streak marks and forgetting to put the seat down? We’re both guys, I guess I just assumed we both use the seat up.” Sam retorted mockingly.

“Well yea, I pee standing up but dammit Sam, what if we have company?” Dean replied defensively.

“Sorry. I’ll put the seat down then.” Sam said, unsure of where the conversation was supposed to go from here even though he knew Dean was lying.

“Good. Now can we get back to the movie?” Dean asked knowing there was nothing really left to say.

Sam sighed, “alright. Finish watching your movie but I swear if I gotta see Alan Rickman in that costume one more time, I’m never gonna be able to keep a straight face the next time Charlie comes by to watch Harry Potter.”

“But you picked it out!” Dean yelled to Sam who was walking away.

“That’s only because we’d already watched the Clint Eastwood monkey-movies.” Sam said turning around. 

He really should’ve thought those over before deciding to marathon them with Dean who wasn’t even paying attention.

~

Sam was on the end of his rope with Dean. Dean had gotten a job, yes. But Dean was still being cryptic and it wasn’t until Sam found an old newspaper that he started understanding what had taken place.

“So, I just found out Alastair’s dead. He was found maimed and disfigured with his dick practically ripped off and paralytic drugs found in his system.” Sam said walking into the house and finding Dean sitting at the table with a book on classic rock songs.

“Well that’s great for everyone.” Dean replied without looking up.

“Dude, his skin was found peeled off like friggin curly fries. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t great for him.” Sam said angrily at his brother’s lack of reaction.

“He did like the feel of a sharp knife. Maybe he liked it against his skin too.” Dean responded casually before picking up the guitar that was sitting next to him and Sam had failed to notice.

Dean tried playing the first cords to “Black Magic Woman” but they came out a little rusty and he looked back at the book with more focus.

“Whatever, just- did you do it? I know you were looking for him and you went on like a two week bender or whatever, so did you kill him? Did you torture him?” Sam asked bluntly.

Dean put the guitar down carefully and turned to look at his brother. He didn’t say anything, but now that he was actually looking Sam in the eyes, Sammy could tell how dead Dean felt inside. Dean had come back empowered by his encounter with Alastair, but even in his last moments, Alastair had managed to break Dean. He’d managed to turn Dean back into the person that he’d been last year. It frightened Sam, and that was saying something. Dean had tortured Alastair so completely, even to the point of cutting the bastards dick off, but it seemed as though Alastair had still gotten what he’d wanted.

“Dean, you didn’t.” Sam tried to convince himself.

Dean simply scoffed and went back to looking at his music book. Sam decided it would be best to drop the subject for now.

“So you’re learning to play the guitar?” Sam inquired conversationally.

“Yep,” Dean responded simply.

“Why? I mean what made you decide to take it up after all this time?” Sam asked.

“I never got to finish learning and I have the time now so why the hell not?” Dean replied as he picked the guitar up and played at some cords.

“What do you mean ‘finish learning’? When did you start?” Sam queried confused. 

Dean certainly never told him about taking guitar lessons.

“Back when I was like 15 or 16, one of my girlfriends played and she taught me a bit. I liked it, but I never could ask dad to buy something as silly as a guitar when he barely even gave me money to feed you, now could I?” Dean replied absently, consumed by the guitar and his book.

“I suppose not. What’re you looking at?” Sam asked, getting closer and noticing it was sheet music with the notes and cords for beginners.

“A book to help me learn. I actually already know most of this stuff, she was a good teacher.” Dean explained dispassionately.

“Alright, then I guess I’ll leave you to it.” Sam said standing up and leaving.

~

“Dean Winchester? What are you doing here?” A woman with dark hair and brown eyes asked as Dean accidentally almost hit her with his cart at the store.

“I’m buying groceries, same as you. Wow, Lisa. It’s been awhile.” Dean said stunned.

“Yea, like ten years almost. You look good.” She replied with a kind smile.

“So do you! You live around here?” Dean asked still a bit taken by surprise.

“Yea, I moved away from Indiana a few years ago. Things were a bit quiet for my tastes but honestly I’ve been considering moving back.” She answered with a polite chuckle.

“Why’s that?” Dean inquired.

“I honestly just think I’ve had my fill of the busy city life and I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the suburbs!” Lisa laughed, moving out of the way for a lady to walk passed them.

“Wow. You really have changed.” Dean observed with a smile. 

“Hey, let me give you my number so we can maybe talk more sometime?” Lisa offered.

“Yea, sure.” Dean replied, taking out his cellphone and giving it to her.

They exchanged numbers and she went to check out before leaving.

~

“Hey Lis, it’s me Dean. Just calling to see if you have any free time you might want to spend with me. Call me back.” Dean said, leaving Lisa a voice-message a few days later.

The doorbell rang and who should be there but Castiel himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. I know it probably has some grammar problems but I wrote it while drowsy with sleep and I'm honestly still tired because I haven't slept but I hope they can be forgiven.


	15. Talking Things Out Isn't a Good Solution...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel stops by and tries to get Dean to talk about his feelings... Then so does Sam... Then shit hits the fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a lot longer than the others but I just got so carried away with it I'm sorry....

“Hello Dean.” The trench-coat clad man said with a small smile and a nod.

“Heya Cas, come on in.” Dean offered, stepping aside to allow entrance.

“How are you?” Castiel asked casually as Dean walked him to the den.

“Good, just wondering what you’re doing here.” Dean said smiling slightly as he sat down, motioning for Castiel to do the same.

“I came by to say hello. Gabriel informed me that people do things like that frequently.” Castiel replied seriously.

“Yea, but it’s not an obligation and the phone works just as well.” Dean chuckled.

“I didn’t call first, I am aware. Gabriel also said it’s nice to surprise people.” Castiel said staring at Dean again.

“You drove seven hours to surprise me? That’s kinda cool.” Dean replied, he couldn’t help the smile on his face.

“Yes. I was wondering if you wanted to go out. Just like how we used to back when you still lived in San Francisco.” Castiel offered shyly.

“Yea, just let me get my jacket and we can go.” Dean answered kindly, standing up.

“It’s considerably warm outside,” Castiel said playing with his own coat.

“Yea, but that’s not stopping you. Also, I feel kinda naked without it so yea.” Dean said as he headed up the first stairs.

He turned to look at Castiel and saw the man was sweating and unsure of whether or not to take off his coat.

“C’mon. You’re sweaty and gross so let’s see what you can borrow.” Dean said with a smile as he trudged down the stairs and yanked Castiel to follow him to his room.

Castiel followed him awkwardly, remembering the last time they had been in the room.

“Go ahead and use the shower down the hall. You need to be clean and comfortable before we go anywhere together and you don’t look like it after a seven hour drive so go on.” Dean pushed.

Castiel took the shower, a little bit out of place as he wrapped himself in one of Dean’s guest towels. He headed back to Dean’s room and found it empty with a small AC/DC shirt left on the bed with a pair of old jeans that looked like they could fit Castiel.

After changing, Castiel headed back down the carpeted stairs to look for Dean, but before he could walk in the den, he heard Dean’s voice talking to someone.

“Sure, next Friday would be awesome. I’ll see you later Lis.” Dean said, the distinct beep of his phone being heard before Castiel stepped into the room.

“I knew they would fit you. I haven’t fit in that since I finished high school, or rather didn’t I guess…” Dean said blatantly checking Castiel out with a satisfied smile.

“You keep clothing that no longer fits you?” Castiel questioned.

“Well yea. Especially an AC/DC shirt! As for the jeans, they’re Sammy’s from when he was 17. They were small on him back then too so they’ve never really been worn. I kept them ‘cause it’s the only pair of jeans my dad ever really bought Sammy just ‘cause. He stopped buying us clothing when I turned ten and then he just gave me the money to do it.” Dean replied, not really talking to Castiel anymore, just thinking out loud now.

“Well at least you learned to deal with money at a young age,” Castiel said to make Dean feel better.

“Yea,” Dean said letting out a small laugh. “Doesn’t mean the cashiers didn’t try overcharge me a few times though.”

“Who’s Lis?” Castiel asked casually.

“Lisa is an old flame of mine. Back when I was like 20 we had a pretty great weekend together.” Dean reminisced fondly. “Why do you ask?”

“I heard you talking on the phone with her. I don’t mean to be nosy, I was simply curious.” Castiel replied. 

He managed to keep his voice sounding careless, but something in his stomach twisted, making him angry. He knew he was jealous but he was mad at himself for being this way. He had no right to expect that Dean wouldn’t see anybody while Castiel tried to figure himself out. He didn’t even have a right to expect that Dean would want a relationship after everything he’d done and how much he’d tried to scare Dean away. Castiel knew he didn’t have a right to expect anything at all from Dean, but he did anyways.

“It’s okay. We’re friends and it’s not like I was trying to hide it.” Dean said carelessly.

Aside from the jealousy eating away at Castiel, they had a nice day together. Dean showed him around, walking down the sidewalk full of famous names and handprints and shoe-prints. Dean drove him down Sunset Boulevard and took him out to eat at a nice diner that Dean had started to frequent.

Throughout the day, Castiel was happy. But every now and then, he wondered how much fun Dean was having, already knowing all of the sights and being able to visit them whenever he wanted. His stomach was in knots by the end of the day, his mind racing as he thought about Dean going out with an ex-fling on Friday.

He would turn to see Dean, and he was smiling but there was something off. Something different that had Castiel staring at him more times than usual. Dean’s smile never quite reached his eyes, and although his laughter lines were there, it seemed as though Dean himself wasn’t. But then Dean would turn back to look at him with such singular focus that Castiel’s breath caught and he’d have to turn away. Every time though, just before he looked away, Castiel could see something sad or upset in his eyes.

It was Saturday and Dean offered for Castiel to stay the night. Castiel gladly accepted the offer, but he could see that there was a question Dean wasn’t asking.

“Is there something you need to ask me Dean?” he inquired while Dean set up the bedroom next to his to sleep in.

“Yea, it’s no big deal. I was just gonna ask about your family and you not going to church tomorrow…” Dean replied awkwardly, smacking the pillows roughly to make them fluffier.

“I have stopped attending the Sunday service. My brother Michael is livid but after what happened with Uriel, I don’t blame him.” Castiel responded seriously, holding Dean’s hands briefly to motion that the pillows were fine.

“What happened with Uriel?” Dean asked alarmed.

“He went into business with Lucian after Christmas, but he got killed in an illegal fighting ring thinking he could take on the opponent’s champion. Lucian sent the body home to Michael and he barely had the chance to be angry at Uriel’s betrayal since he’s dead now.” Castiel explained calmly.

“How long after did you stop going?” Dean asked concerned.

“I stopped attending nearly at the beginning of December but Michael hadn’t reprimanded me until after Uriel’s death. I suppose he needed to let his frustrations and his pain out on something.” Castiel replied as though it wasn’t a big deal.

“Dude, that’s kinda messed up… Why did you stop going?” Dean asked curiously.

“I hardly see the point in it anymore. It occurred to me that I was only going as a habit and I no longer believe in it. I still believe there is a God out there, I’m simply unsure of whether he cares about being adored or not. It doesn’t seem like the God I was raised to believe in, it seems very selfish and proud. I don’t expect God to be like that. I can’t say I know exactly what I expect him to be like, but I know that it’s not like that.” Castiel explained kindly.

“Alright,” Dean said understanding, having finished with the bed. “I’ll lend you something to sleep in, or you can just sleep in your boxers. Whatever’s comfortable for you.”

“I wouldn’t like to trouble you more, so I’ll sleep- well I won’t be needing to borrow anything…” Castiel replied with an adorable blush.

“Alright, well the bed has an extra blanket already so it’s all set for you to sleep in… unless you wanted to watch something before you go to bed if you’re not that tired but we did a lot of walking so I understand if you are.” Dean said shifting on his feet and Castiel could tell he almost wanted to take it back.

“Yes, I’d very much like to watch something with you.” Castiel replied with a smile.

“HEY DEAN I’M HOME!!!” they heard Sammy yell up the stairs.

“Alright I’ll be down in a minute!” Dean yelled back, nodding at Cas with a smile as the went downstairs together.

“C’mere you sexy thing… Oh God! I didn’t know Cas was here…” Sam said awkwardly as he turned around and had already left a trail of clothing from the door to the living room and was sitting on the couch with his long legs splayed out in only his boxers and a white undershirt.

“Yea, he is. So pick up your mess and put on some pants man! Or at least, you know, take it up to your room. I put a TV in there yesterday because I’m uncomfortable with coming home to see your porn on in the living room.” Dean teased, making Sam’s ears go red.

“It was ONE TIME! And it’s not like I was doing anything I just- you know what? It doesn’t matter, I’m just gonna go…” Sam replied standing up and picking up his clothing piece by piece and heading up the stairs with his head bowed down.

Dean snorted as he watch Sam fumble around and shamefully go up the stairs and turned to see Cas trying to school his face but failing and smiling downwards hoping Sam couldn’t see him.

Dean and Cas got pretty comfortable after that. Dean had bought a couch to fill up the large room and it could actually fit like eight people instead of two, so they were able to lay comfortably on it without invading each other’s space too much.

Castiel fell asleep while they watched “The Town” so Dean picked him up bridal style and carried him up three floors of stairs until he reached his assigned room and gently placed him on the bed. He took Castiel’s shoes and socks off, and then debated on whether or not to take off the guy’s jeans before deciding they would feel uncomfortable when he woke up and took them off delicately. He moved Castiel under the blankets as soon as he saw him start to shiver and tucked him in softly. 

~

Castiel woke up the next morning feeling disoriented. He was in a bed, that was for sure, but it wasn’t his and he wasn’t wearing pants. The events of yesterday came back to him slowly but he didn’t remember much after watching Jeremy Renner and Ben Affleck beating up those men in an apartment. He certainly didn’t remember heading up the stairs and falling asleep in this bed.

He checked the clock and it was 6am and he wondered if Dean was awake yet. He snuck out of his bed, and opened the door to see if Dean’s was opened or closed. It was closed, but he heard a sound coming out from it. Before he could think over that he was still only in his boxers and the t-shirt Dean had let him borrow, he walked over to the door and decided to have a peek inside. 

Dean was there, but he looked so different. The green walls brought out his eyes and it was beautiful, but they were empty. He scribbled away at something, frustrated. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and before Castiel could take in the fine curves of his body, he noticed the torture scars from the first time they’d met, but aside from those, which he could never forget, he noticed new ones. Some were even red like they were recent. Dean had bruises on his sides and his back and he visibly winced when he reached over to get a pen from where he was sitting at his desk. Dean hadn’t been wincing yesterday, but he hadn’t been walking at his usual pace. 

Dean had been hurt. Castiel’s only question was whether someone had hurt him or if he was hurting himself. Dean had stopped going to the therapist that he had promised to go to when he moved. Sam had told Castiel that Dean had found it a useless waste of his money and he didn’t feel like sharing his problems with some crackpot (his words) that couldn’t understand them and he certainly wasn’t comfortable talking about their dad.

Castiel couldn’t see what it was Dean was doing, but it seemed to take up all of Dean’s focus. Dean usually was on alert and would have noticed Castiel by now, but he simply sat there, scribbling on a piece of paper with empty eyes but a determined expression. 

Castiel wasn’t sure how long he stood staring at Dean. Dean had thrown a few pens and pencils by the time Castiel realized he was still standing there. Every time Dean would take a break from what he was doing, he would either rub at some bruise or trace over another scar. Dean looked like someone that hadn’t slept all night, and seeing that, Castiel knew that Dean hadn’t slept in well over a week. 

Dean was growing anxious and he grabbed a pen nearby and set it flying straight into the dartboard he had on the wall next to his bed. It landed so perfectly in the middle, that it both fascinated and frightened Castiel. Dean broke another pencil in one hand and looked about ready to throw the entire desk as he violently kicked the trashcan towards the door and threw the papers off of the desk. Castiel was worried and unsure of how Dean would react to finding him there, so seeing that the trashcan was full of the same kind of thing, he grabbed a piece of paper off of the floor and closed the door quietly before heading back to the room next door.

He could faintly hear Dean’s gruff thrashings and the sound of papers falling, but he closed his door and opened the crumpled piece of paper to see what Dean was so upset about. He was confused by it. It was a drawing of something ugly clawing and tearing away at a pair of wings. The drawing was roughly made and Dean’s hand had probably already started to cramp when he drew it, but it was still quite good. What Castiel didn’t understand was what it meant or why it made Dean so upset.

He decided it was time to confront Dean.

He walked over to Dean’s room and found it had grown eerily quiet. 

“Dean?” Castiel asked in a small voice, seeing Dean sitting amongst a large mess of papers and fallen blades and guns, the shelves in disarray from where Dean had pulled down on them.

“Sorry Cas, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Dean apologized, standing up from the bed to pick up the papers.

“You didn’t, I just came to see if you were awake.” Castiel lied carefully. “What happened?”

“I just had a rough night… How’d you sleep?” Dean asked, going for casual but missing it by a mile.

“I’m unsure of how I ended up in bed last night, but I slept well.” Castiel explained, reaching down to pick up a piece of paper only to be stopped by a harsh hand gripping his wrist.

“You don’t want to see that,” Dean warned. “Sorry, it’s nice you had a good sleep. Um… What did you want to do today?”

“Dean… I want to see this piece of paper.” Castiel said stubbornly.

“Well I don’t want you to so pick something else.” Dean replied, still not letting go of Castiel’s wrist.

“Could you at least let me go?” Castiel asked with his eyebrows raised.

Dean looked around as if he was lost as he let go of Castiel. Like he’d done something wrong and was unsure of what he could do to fix it. 

“Sorry…” Dean’s voice was nearly a whisper and he sat down on his bed in defeat, obviously uncaring of whether or not Castiel saw the drawings.

Castiel considered it carefully before picking up the trash and putting the pieces of paper in without looking at them. Dean wasn’t looking at him, but watching what he was doing and started to help.

They picked the papers up in silence, and Castiel noticed Dean avoiding even looking at him. 

“Have I done something wrong?” Castiel asked after they had crunched the papers into the small container.

Dean looked up at him then, expression surprised and confused.

“No Cas,” he replied gruffly looking back down despite the brief moment of being startled. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Dean was rebuilding his walls. Thicker than before and a lot taller, and that is what Castiel had noticed seem off about him.

“Why won’t you look at me?” Castiel asked, wanting to reach out and force Dean’s face to look at him.

“I’m looking at you okay?” Dean answered brusquely as he forced his eyes to stare into Castiel’s.

The intensity was odd, but Castiel had missed looking into Dean’s eyes. Despite them being empty of all emotion and dead, they were still Dean’s and the passion was still there, fighting to stay alive. They bore into Castiel’s skull and he was sure that they would leave a hole there, but Castiel stared right back into Dean trying to let him know that he was there for him, he wasn’t going anywhere and he would out-stare him if he had to. 

Dean’s eyes didn’t flicker away this time. They simply rolled disinterestedly away from Castiel and back down to the trash bin.

“What’s wrong Dean?” Castiel asked. His voice was harsh like he wanted to shake the answers out of Dean if necessary.

“Nothing, now would you please leave me alone about it?” Dean replied defensively angry.

“No! I care about how you’re feeling and what is bothering you so much!” Castiel yelled back.

“I know, okay? But why? Huh? You didn’t care how I felt the whole time you acted like a dick to me because you had a huge ‘I’m a fucking queer’ meltdown! You didn’t care how I felt when you told me you fucking liked me and then went on as though none of it happened! You don’t care when I don’t want to talk about how I’m so fucking scared of doing something to hurt you!” Dean yelled into Castiel’s face before his own fell into a look of pain. “I have these small _hopeful_ moments when I finally think you’re gone and you hate me and you’re not coming back. But those are the worst, the weirdest moments of my life and believe me when I say that I’ve been through serious shit. Because in those moments, I’m fucking terrified and relieved at the same time. I know it’s better for you to stay away, but every selfish bone in my body wants you to stick around.”

Castiel was left stunned. The only thing that came to mind to ask was: “What are the drawings?”

Dean huffed out a defeated laugh. “Typical. Uh… the damn drawings are just pent up frustrations so don’t worry about it.” 

Dean rubbed at his eyes and his face like he was trying to clear it of all emotion. Castiel knew that once he did that, there was no way he was going to be able to get Dean to open up again.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to dismiss what happens between us. I just don’t know how to deal with it or how it should be dealt with.” Castiel tried to explain.

“I know Cas… I know…” Dean said, and Castiel knew he was losing him.

“You won’t hurt me Dean. I’m not a delicate flower that needs to be protected. I can handle myself.” Castiel baited. 

If there was one emotion that Dean couldn’t control, it was his anger.

“Yea? Alastair got to you, and I took down Alastair. I took him and all of his fucking goons down with him. It was kinda sad how easy it was in the end. I’m not who you think I am. Alastair was right. My dad was fucking right dammit. I don’t know how to do anything other than kill. I can hurt you ‘cause you’re only human, ninja warrior skills aside. I can hurt you because I never learned to control my anger. I can hurt you because I’ve even hurt Sammy a couple times. Difference between you and Sammy is that he knows how to deal with me when I get like that and you just make me so damn confused and angry.” Dean explained sinisterly, starting to back Castiel into a corner. 

Castiel was confused and mildly terrified at the same time as Dean crept closer to him.

“Around you, it’s like I only have two settings: super happy or fucking trash my car enraged. You hurt me. Nobody can, not anymore. Not even Sammy, and yet you can hurt me really bad and all it takes is a bad mood.” Dean said, stopping once Castiel had his back against the wall and Dean was crowding him.

Dean’s hands came by to slam against the wall with Castiel’s head on both sides and Castiel couldn’t help backing his head up further against the wall as he flinched slightly.

“I’ve never been patient. I’m not a good person. I’m not what you want me to be. I see you and I know that you can break me a single look. You’re a weakness and I can’t have that. I can’t have you surprising me with your shy smiles and your big blue eyes staring into me. I can’t have you randomly popping into my life just to pop out even faster and then not call for a month. I don’t know anything about you. I don’t know what you did for fun as a kid or why the fuck you chose to study anthropology of all things if you weren’t actually curious about the damned world. The extent of my knowledge is that you have a weird ass semi-religious family that doesn’t practice what it preaches and that you have major kung-fu fighting skills that your brother Michael taught you. YOU DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME THAT! Anna told me that and then you had the fucking nerve to be jealous.” Dean exclaimed.

Castiel stood staunchly albeit uncomfortable as Dean crowded him in closer.

“I know I can’t hurt you, not really.” Dean said defeated. “I can probably shake you up and down and throw you across the room and beat you senseless, but I can’t really hurt you. I can’t hurt you half as bad as you can hurt me.”

Dean lightly banged his head against Castiel’s briefly before stepping back and turning around to walk to the far side of the room next to the bed.

Castiel simply stood there against the wall, trying to take in what Dean had said. It was quiet as Dean climbed on his bed and laid down wearily with an arm draped over his eyes to shut out the light. It was quiet and Castiel stared at how tired Dean looked after being so angry. He looked defeated, like he really had no fight left in him. It nearly broke Castiel’s heart to see someone so strong look so tired. 

“You do hurt me Dean. It’s not just the jealousy…” Castiel tried to explain despite Dean remaining unmoved. “I know I push you away and then I expect you to still be there but when I found out you moved and I might never see you again, I panicked. I went to Gabriel for help finding you. I know it doesn’t seem as though I care sometimes even though I do, but I wasn’t raised to feel or show emotion. You think you can’t hurt me and I wasn’t sure anyone really could until I met you. You teach me things, and you teach me how to feel and see the world differently. I’m not the best at expressing myself but ever since I first laid eyes on you and saw you being tortured by Alastair and I saw your pain, not only physically but emotionally as well, I felt it. Every time I see you in pain it hurts and confuses me.”

Dean still hadn’t moved and Castiel didn’t know if he’d fallen asleep yet.

“I might not be able to really feel very well, but it’s like my body tries to share in yours as if it’s trying to heal it somehow.” Castiel went on when he saw Dean take a deep breath. “I grew up going to the lake for fun. I loved watching the fishes. Life has always fascinated me, even bees. Especially bees. They all know what to do and how to do it perfectly. Nature is so wonderfully designed despite everything that we humans have done to pollute God’s green earth.

Dean didn’t say or move but Castiel continued anyways. “I decided to study anthropology when I was thirteen and I saw a boy wearing a dress at a Halloween party. I thought ‘people are strange’ and I wanted to get to know about them better. I figured that perhaps if I drowned myself in books of culture and tried to connect the different kinds of languages, I could understand them. It’s fascinating but most of the things I read are of past times and histories. I know now, thanks to you, that people are more than their culture or language. I understand that even though we hurt the world and everything we love or even simply touch, humans are more complex. We were made to make mistakes. It’s our right.”

Dean got up at that, and stared at Castiel.

“Just ‘cause we can make mistakes, doesn’t make it better.” Dean said harshly.

“No, obviously not.” Castiel supplied, glad he had coaxed at least a reaction out of Dean. “But to err is human.”

“So you think that people can do bad things and be forgiven?” Dean asked harshly.

“If they are truly sorry, then of course they can.” Castiel answered patiently.

“So a guy can rape and steal and murder and it’s all okay because he’s human and he’s sorry?” Dean asked angrily.

“I’m not saying-” Castiel started before Dean violently interrupted.

“You can’t just go around murdering people and raping girls and beating children and then be forgiven because you’re sorry?! No one gets to do that and no one should!” Dean yelled out angrily.

“Dean that’s not exactly what I meant,” Castiel tried to explain.

“No Cas. You look at the world and you follow the bees and you see the beauty of it all and God’s fucking perfect creation. You know what I see? Huh? I see the reality of it. There’s no higher power, there’s no God. I mean, there’s just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere and rips you to shreds.” Dean replied in angry despair.

Castiel hadn’t noticed Sam come into the room, but it made sense that they had woken him up with their “conversation.”

“Hey,” Sam said, walking towards Dean. “I know Dean. Life’s damn hard and you’ve probably had the worst life anyone could have. There’s just so much bad in the world I feel like I could drown in it and I know you do too, but maybe it helps just a tiny bit to believe in something bigger than ourselves.”

“Sammy…” Dean’s voice was warning, but they all knew it wasn’t going to hit him unless he got riled up again, but by now he was exhausted.

Castiel stood there in slight bewilderment at Dean’s anti-religious outburst. Castiel never mistook Dean for being religious, but something about hearing Dean outwardly say that there wasn’t a God made his insides crawl.

“I can’t believe that Sam. I just can’t. Not after mom. Not after what she went through.” Dean said, and Castiel could tell that he was trying to stay brave for his brother, but he just felt so broken, so much despair and loss. 

Castiel finally understood Dean’s lack of faith. Dean had told him that his mother used to pray with him, and Castiel understood plainly that Dean couldn’t believe in a God that would take his mother away from him. It both warmed and broke his heart.

“It’s okay Dean, I know.” Sam tried to calm him as he inched closer like a man approaching a hurt lion to get the needle out of its paw.

Dean didn’t say anything, and he allowed Sam to sit on the bed next to him while rubbing small circles into his back. Castiel felt like he was intruding, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave Dean in such a state. It pained him, but he stood staring.

Dean didn’t cry, didn’t sob against his brother’s chest. He simply took the comfort Sam had to offer and sat staring at the wall. Castiel had broken him, not only broken but _shattered_ the walls that Dean had been trying to build. He was left confused and disoriented with his feeling left out in the open, all he wanted to do was gather them and lock them back up behind six foot thick walls of pure titanium covered in solid brick and drown them in whiskey and beer.

“Breakfast anyone?” Dean tried to say casually as he stood up and shook himself off.

“What’d you have in mind?” Sam asked with a smile looking up at his brother with his big hazel puppy dog eyes.

“Anything you want, c’mon.” Dean said, slapping his little brother on the shoulder to motion for him to get up.

They didn’t actually acknowledge Castiel’s presence, but Sam turned to cock his head at him as if to ask “you coming?” before Dean pushed him down the stairs.

Castiel followed shortly after putting on some pants.

~

They finished breakfast and sat quietly at the table after Dean had cleared it.

“You guys wanna sit on the couch? It’s probably more comfortable. Scratch that, it’s definitely more comfortable.” Dean offered, standing up and walking to the couch in the den.

Sam and Castiel followed quietly, sitting themselves down on either side of Dean, Sam on his right and Cas on his left.

“So I guess you’re gonna have to be driving back home soon…” Dean said awkwardly as he turned to look at Castiel.

“I suppose I have stayed too long…” Castiel replied looking down.

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you want, you know that right?” Sam offered, peering over Dean’s head to look at him.

“Of course he is, but he’s got classes to teach early tomorrow morning.” Dean said before Castiel could say anything.

“I was actually laid off… my uncle Zachariah was dissatisfied with my work and Michael had been complaining about me lately so I’m currently unemployed…” Castiel replied shyly, avoiding their gazes.

“Then I guess you could stay indefinitely…” Sam observed nodding his head and pursing his lips in thought.

“I wouldn’t like to impose or discomfort you any further…” Castiel responded clumsily turning away from them.

“You’re not an imposition. Seriously, despite our many differences, it’s nice having you around. Besides, I’m left alone most of the time since Sam is always at his new job and working on different cases.” Dean interrupted easily.

“But I thought I make you angry,” Castiel said confused.

“You’re also very entertaining.” Dean replied lifting his eyebrows at Castiel to state it as a fact. “I’m sorry about earlier, I just don’t really know exactly how to deal with that kind of stuff.”

“Feelings and emotions.” Castiel clarified.

Dean sighed exasperated, “yea. Feelings and emotions. That’s always been Sammy’s thing.”

“I understand, I have the same problem.” Castiel said looking at Dean with wide blue eyes.

“No. You have a lack of emotions. I have a cluster-fuck of them. Actually quite different if you think about it.” Dean supplied slightly annoyed.

“Not as much as you might think,” Castiel replied easily. “I firmly believe that our problems can be solved in a similar manner, something that Sam has always suggested. I believe we should talk about them because if we don’t, we both end up irate and stubborn.”

“Irate? Cas, I wanted to rip your head off. And I’m not going to go around sharing my feelings all the time!” Dean’s voice was getting louder and Sam was on the verge of punching him in the face. “I tried it earlier and I feel naked. I see you guys walking on egg-shells right now and I don’t need that. Talking about this shit doesn’t help, and I’m done with that because I haven’t even told you half of what I’m thinking and I can already see that it’s making you guys uncomfortable. I’m an angry guy, it’s my default emotion.”

“Oh my God, shut up Dean!” Sam yelled standing up from the couch. “That is exactly why we have to talk about them, and I mean talk. Not yelling, not getting angry at each other. I mean talk, just an honest to God conversation about what the hell’s been up with you lately. You were like this even before Cas came by to visit so what the hell is wrong?”

“Perfect example of not yelling or getting mad at each other, Sammy.” Dean snarked with a scoff.

“Alright well I’ve had to deal with your crap for months now and I can’t anymore. Just tell us what you got crammed up your ass this time so you can get it out.” Sam said sitting back down, crossing his arms on his chest.

“Fine. But we have to agree that this all stays in this room and we never have a talk like this again, agreed?” Dean stated angrily.

“Agreed,” Sam and Castiel both murmured, staring at Dean expectantly.

“Oh hell no. I’m not going first, Sam this was your idea.” Dean retorted angrily.

“Fine. I’ve been feeling like the weight of the world rest on my shoulders lately. I have a difficult case and it’s the first one they gave me at the new firm and I have no idea how I’m supposed to win when all signs lead to my client being guilty. I can’t talk about it with you guys because that would be illegal, but I’ve been working my ass off every day and with your OCD I feel like I can’t breathe. It’s like you want everything spotless even though your life’s a mess.” Sam started. “I can’t deal with the insane amount of sexual frustration that follows you two around and sometimes I just want you two to make out like teenagers and just get over yourselves already. Dean, I’m happy you found a girl like Lisa. She seems nice from what you told me and she could help you find a normal life, but you’re gonna have to choose between a nice apple-pie life with her, or a complicated, twisted life that just might make you happy with me and Cas.”

Dean sighed. Of course they’d call him out next. 

“Alright,” Dean stated with a sigh, trying to get comfortable as he moved to the recliner next to the couch, angled for conversations. “Well I’m not talking about my love life with you. But I guess I could say that I’m sorry if I’ve been overly pushy lately. I did a bad thing. I’ve done many bad things. I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve hurt. I’m poison Sam and I know that I drag you in my problems even though it’s the last thing I want to do. I get so confused when I think about everything I’ve done and how I feel when I’m doing them. Recently, I killed Alastair. I tortured him and I found out everything he knew and I killed him. But I think the worst part was realizing the lengths I’d go to, to protect the people I care about. Sam, you found out that I practically ripped that devil-worshiping freak’s dick off but I never told you why. I did it because he was talking about raping Cas and after he said that, I saw red. I don’t even really remember doing it and I’m not entirely sure how he even survived after that, but it just felt so damn good finally giving him what he had coming to him. If I’m being honest, it felt good slicing into something just to hear it scream again.”

Dean turned to look at the look of shocked terror on Castiel’s face for a brief moment before looking down. 

“He told me that Lucian Novak wanted Sammy for something. I’m not sure what exactly but I’ve been considering going after him since then, the only thing really stopping me is you, Cas. He’s your brother and I know that your family is jacked up but I also know that through the ups and downs between me and Sam, he’s my brother and I would do anything for him. It’s scary how much I mean it, but it’s the truth.” Dean explained taking a deep breath.

There was a tense silence as Sam and Castiel took in this new information, while Dean twiddled his thumbs and pursed his lips waiting for one of them to say something.

“I’ll help you find him, and we can ask him what it is he wants with Sam.” Castiel said finally.

“Great! But now it’s your turn to share.” Dean said, trying to shake off his own turn.

“I’m not quite sure what there is to say. I already told you my recent problems with Michael and Zachariah and my loss of faith, so I’m not entirely sure what you want to know.” Castiel replied confused.

“You could start with how you feel about Dean, or where you see your relationship headed.” Sam offered, obviously just trying to get them to say they liked each other.

“That’s great Sam. Nice to know that while I’m having a crisis about liking to drain the life out of people, you’re more interested in our love-lives.” Dean said rolling his eyes.

“I care; I just know that you have enough self-control to keep your urges in check. You’re stubborn like that.” Sam said defensively.

Dean rolled his eyes again and they both turned to look at Castiel.

“I thought I’d made it clear how I feel about Dean. Despite his revelation I don’t see him differently, and he’s still the best man that I know.” Castiel summed up easily.

“Yea, but where do you want your relationship to go?” Sam asked, making Dean snort when he crossed his legs curiously.

“I’m uncertain. I know I don’t have a right to ask Dean to wait until I know for sure, and that doing so would be selfish, but I can’t stand seeing him with someone else. It pains me physically.” Castiel tried to explain.

“So exactly what I suspected: you don’t want me as your boyfriend but you don’t want me with anyone else.” Dean stated annoyed throwing his arms up then thumping them down on the arm rests.

“I’m not asking you to wait, I simply want you to know that I would appreciate it if you did.” Castiel tried again, skin crawling with uncertainty.

“You gotta know that it’s basically the same thing!” Dean scoffed. “I can’t live a happy life knowing that it hurts you just because you can’t make up your mind. I’ve given you so many chances Cas, and you’re the one that slammed me in the friend-zone. I’m fine with where we’re at. It’s perfect even! You get to figure yourself out and I’m not tied to anything. I can have a fantastic night of passionate, flexible, athletic sex with a beautiful woman and not have to worry because I’m with someone. Lisa is a great girl and I’m not saying I want to spend the rest of my life with her but I can say that I forget my life and my problems when we’re talking.”

“Dean!” Sam warned, motioning to Castiel’s blank face.

Dean knew that Castiel shut himself off like a robot when he was being hurt, but Dean had had it up to his hair with worrying about hurting people. He wasn’t completely in control of himself after letting his passions take over when he found Alastair.

“Why the hell should I care how he feels? He didn’t care for a month and I’m the bad guy for not caring for a day. That’s not what makes me a bad guy, there are unspeakable acts that I’ve done and I have to worry about hurting that emotionless robot’s feelings?” Dean asked in disbelief.

“Dean I think that’s enough.” Sam warned, seeing Castiel’s face turn up in anger.

“It is enough!” Castiel replied standing up and walking over to Dean.

He picked him up easily with both hands and brought his face down to his level.

“I’ve lost my family for you!” Castiel said punching Dean in the face.

Sam scrambled to get Castiel off of him but the smaller man shoved him back down on the couch.

“I have lost everything I’ve ever known. I’ve given everything so that I can be with you and you don’t even care!” Castiel yelled, pushing Dean against the wall and punching his face in again.

Dean didn’t have it in him to fight back. He simply took the punches without complaint while Sam watched in shock at the lack of fight in his older brother, he wasn’t even blocking.

“You think that I’m weak and small in physical form, but that your words don’t hurt me?!” Castiel asked, letting Dean sink to the ground before punching him again.

“Cas!” Sam yelled, seeing that he had no intentions to stop.

It was embarrassing for Sam how easily the other man managed to shove him back down before throwing Dean across the room.

Castiel paused, seeing Dean bleeding and bruised in the face, clutching at what Castiel could only assume were old wounds that he’d probably managed to damage again.

“Go ahead Cas,” Dean’s voice said expectantly, almost pleading for Castiel to either hurt him or kill him, Sam couldn’t be sure.

Sam sat staring at the scene with wide eyes to see what Castiel would do. He somehow seemed bigger, more in his element and not gawky and awkwardly following Dean around.

Castiel unclenched his fist and stood in front of Dean who simply closed his eyes, waiting for the final blow to come and smash his skull in.

Castiel knocked him out with a last hit to the back of the head and Sam stood staring at him. It wasn’t like Castiel to lose his temper, and no one had informed him of Castiel’s fighting skills.

“Take care of him. I won’t be back.” Castiel said with finality, heading up the staisr to change back into his own clothing and then leaving without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me, I just needed a proper falling out but I'll try to fix it!


	16. New Problems but Resolutions for Past Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are distant at first, and Dean's being a dick but things manage to work themselves out with some help from Sammy. We learn more about Dean's past. Later, Dean goes to visit someone he never wanted to see again.

Dean knew that he’d acted like a dick. He knew. He really was sorry too, but he couldn’t just go and apologize. Cas needed some time and its wasn’t like Dean wasn’t still mad either.

Meanwhile, Castiel was feeling angry. Rage consumed him but it wasn’t even what Dean had said, it was how he’d reacted. It was how he kept hitting Dean and Dean didn’t even put up a fight. Dean just let him beat him, as if he’d wanted to get that reaction. As if he’d wanted Castiel to get angry enough to beat him senseless. The confusion of it all angered him more, but the worst part of all of it was the guilt that ate away at him.  
Castiel had known that they were stretching Dean’s patience beyond its limitations and he and Sam had kept going. He felt the discomfort Dean felt, and he felt the anger build up inside of Dean. He had snapped because of Castiel. He’d snapped because Castiel had put his own selfish desires before Dean’s needs and then gotten angry when Dean said a few hurtful words.

Castiel grew angrier as he could somehow sense Dean’s own anger, and his hurt. Castiel had asked too much of him and then beat him when Dean had refused to comply. Everything in Castiel made him angry at himself and his own selfishness, even angrier than Dean’s hurtful words.  
Dean thinking that Castiel had no emotions and couldn’t be hurt is what left Castiel confused. Castiel had tried his best to be open with Dean, especially because he wanted the same and he knew that Dean was also trying his best but for some reason it didn’t feel like enough. Dean had seemed to shut down and forget all the nice times they had when he got upset, as if it made it easier somehow. 

“ _I can’t hurt you half as bad as you can hurt me_.” Dean had said. His tone was so defeated and no matter how hard Castiel tried, the words rang in his head and tightened around his heart so hard, he felt he would scream.

~

Sam was feeling really bad about what had happened. Maybe he shouldn’t have forced his brother, the King of Collected Bottles of Emotions, to talk his feelings out. He definitely shouldn’t have, knowing that Dean got defensive and lashed out at anything when he felt vulnerable, tried to do it with Castiel visiting. Sam just honestly thought it would help.

Sam watched as Dean went on more frequent dates with Lisa and refused to call Castiel. If Cas didn’t want to see Dean with someone else, then Dean had found the simple solution of him not seeing Cas. Dean didn’t seem happy or in love with Lisa. Most days, it just seemed like Lisa was just keeping him content, barely keeping him away from reaching for a knife and slicing it into someone.

Dean knew he wasn’t being fair to Lisa. He couldn’t give her the love she deserved. All he could do was maybe take her kid out to baseball games and satisfy her sexual needs at the end of a hard day. Dean loved the kid, Ben, and had an inkling it was his own considering his age, but Lisa had slept around a lot back then so there was no way to know for sure. 

The thing with Lisa was that, even though he wasn’t in love with her, she brought a sense of normalcy that he never had. Sam was hardly around anymore, his new firm wanting to pile all of the unwanted cases on the new guy, and everyone else lived at least seven hours away.  
Dean was content. He wasn’t ecstatic to be there, and he wasn’t completely thrilled with Lisa’s work-mom cooking or the way she left dishes to pile up in her sink for days at a time. Dean knew that she wasn’t dirty and that she kept as clean a house as was possible for her schedule, but Dean often found himself doing the cooking and the cleaning anyways.

~

Castiel had taken out his frustrations on finding Lucian and talking to him. Lucian told him that had been interested in Sam for joining his underground fight clubs because he seemed strong, and he had a strange resentment toward Dean for pulling Sam away from him right when he was about to ask him to. Castiel was left uneasy with the confrontation and went to speak to Michael.

Michael was rough on Castiel, telling him to return to their church and bring Dean Winchester with him. When asked why, it seemed as though Michael was fixated on the man. Michael had grown increasingly curious of Dean since he’d first heard about him, making Raphael bored and thinking it would have been simpler to kill both of the Winchesters so that neither the good nor the bad brother got to them. 

Castiel had been spending his time trying to get his family in order. Shortly after his fallout with Dean, Lucian had been arrested with the help of an annoyingly accurate, anonymous tip and Castiel knew that it had been from Dean. Lucian had managed a jailbreak, but he’d been killed once out, leaving Castiel wondering if it had also been Dean. 

Castiel’s family was now in disarray after the incident with Lucian, and Castiel was trying his best to calm them down without Michael’s help. Michael had gone missing after Luci was killed and the suspiciousness of it all had all of his family arguing. Some wanted to know what would happen to the house, but when this subject was brought up, before anyone could say Castiel or Gabriel, Raphael had stepped in to say that he would be watching the house until there was confirmation that Michael was dead.

Sam continuously called Castiel to try and apologize or offer whatever services Castiel needed, but Castiel simply ignored the messages and tried to organize his unruly family.

~

“Dean, I think something’s wrong with Cas.” Sam told him one day.

“Yea? And what makes you think that?” Dean asked carelessly as he switched through the channels on the TV.

“He doesn’t call back or anything. What if he’s, I don’t know… dead?” Sam said, watching as his brother’s eyes flickered with worry for half a second before returning to his blank stare.

“He’s fine. Besides, even if he isn’t, why should we care? He’s the one who left.” Dean was being stubborn, and Sam needed to do something to get his brother to do more. 

Sam had been fine with a messy apartment, but Dean had let the house get dirty and that was something that unsettled Sam. Dean was never one for untidiness, and now Dean wouldn’t even nag Sam for a coaster. Instead, it was the other way around.

Sam’s phone rang and it was from Castiel.

“Hi!” Sam knew he sounded too ecstatic, but it had been three months since he’d even heard from the guy so screw it.

“Hello Sam,” Castiel’s voice was hard.

“How’ve you been? We missed you around here and I’ve been trying to contact you for months.” Sam replied, making Dean turn around curiously.

There was something hopeful and dark in Dean’s eyes, like he wanted to be, but he also remembered their track record.

“I’ve been fine.” Castiel responded tightly. “Lucian has been taken care of, I think you should know that. Michael has been searching for your brother for some reason and I just wanted to inform you that I’m unsure of what he wants with him. If he does find you, I’ll be coming around to help if you so wish.”

Sam was left in silence for a second before answering. “Yea, Cas it would be great to have your help. I know things are kinda weird between us but we both miss you.”

Dean’s eyes flashed frustration at Sam, and Sam knew it was probably a dumb thing for him to say considering, but he also knew that Castiel was the only one that knew how to keep Dean in line.

“Tell Dean I said hello,” Castiel said. His voice was cautiously gentle, as if he wasn’t sure if Sam had been telling the truth or if he should even have said it.

“Will do, Cas. Thanks for the heads up.” Sam replied with a smile before Castiel hung up.

“Cas called,” Sam said with a smile to Dean.

“Yea I got that,” Dean’s voice was tight and he turned back to stare at the television.

“He says hello, probably like he usually does. You know like: ‘Hello Dean’.” Sam mimicked happily. 

“Uh huh,” Dean said absently as he changed the channel for the millionth time.

Sam sighed and passed the information to Dean about Michael and Lucian.

“Well we won’t need his help because I know that when it comes right down to it, he’s not gonna want to hurt his brother.” Dean replied after Sammy had finished talking.

“I don’t know, I mean the guy has problems with his family and he said that Lucian had been taken out. Maybe he did it.” Sam said, being careful with the subject.

“Yea, well he didn’t.” Dean said cryptically, getting up from the couch to lock himself in his room. Again.

Sam was left at an impasse. He really needed Dean to be 100% right now or he was going to get himself killed.

~

A month dragged by with no more calls from Castiel, and Dean was being lazy about covering his tracks on his way home from wherever it was that he went. Sam was getting really concerned and it wasn’t like Dean was going to talk about it, no matter how hard Sam pushed.

“Sammy I swear I’m gonna punch you in the face if you start nagging me about my feelings one more time.” Dean threatened.

“Dean you have to talk about how you’re feeling. You can’t keep this crap locked away because it’s just gonna blow up like last time!” Sammy defended.

“Yea. Whose idea was it last time to talk last time? Well that worked out great didn’t it?” Dean was being snarky and Sam had had it way past his patience level with the heavy sarcasm.

“It was mine. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea then, but we have to talk about this!” Sam yelled, losing his composure.

“Sammy, I tried. It didn’t work out and you said we’d never have to have another conversation like that. We all agreed. Even-” Dean cut himself off, unsure of whether to say the man’s name. “We all agreed, okay?”

“Dean, if you don’t want to talk about it then fine. But at least say his name.” Sam considered himself merciful.

“I’m gonna go be upstairs and you’re gonna leave me alone.” Dean said, ready to walk away, but Sam caught his arm.

“Sammy…” Dean warned. “Let me go.”

Sam was unsure of what it was he was doing, but he wouldn’t show Dean that. “No.”

Dean rolled his eyes and tried to walk away again, but Sam wouldn’t let go.

“Sam, seriously, what do you think you’re doing?” Dean asked, eyes assessing his brother’s behavior.

“I’m not gonna let you lock yourself up in your room and shut me and everything else out. At least call Lisa to make plans with her or something.” Sam said It wasn't exactly what he wanted, but it wasn’t what he _didn’t_ want.

“Lisa’s got a good life going for her okay? She’ll be better off without me.” Dean replied, it wasn’t to put himself down. He just firmly believed it.

“Dean, you have to know that’s not true.” Sam said, his grip loosening slightly with his sympathy.

“Well I happen to know that it is,” Dean said, pushing Sam away to leave.

It all happened so fast. Sam tried to latch back on to Dean but Dean punched him in the face, hurling Sam harshly to the ground. Sam rubbed at his jaw, barely catching the look of confused anxiety that Dean’s eyes showed before he managed to turn around and walk up the stairs.

~

Dean didn’t come back down for another hour, and when he did, he had his things packed in a duffle.

“Dean, where are you going?” Sam asked concerned.

“I thought you’d left for work. You usually do.” Dean avoided Sam’s question as well as his gaze.

“I’ve been at the firm for a while now and they’re cutting me some slack.” Sam answered, knowing that his brother had intended to leave without saying goodbye.

“I’ll be back. I got something I have to do.” Dean said vaguely before slipping past Sam and heading out the door.

“Dean, wait!” Sam yelled, chasing after his brother that had already piled into the car.

“I’ll be back soon, I promise Sam.” Dean’s voice had lost the edge that it had had for the past three months and everything in Sam stopped screaming at him to stop Dean. 

Dean’s tone took Sam back to when it was just them as kids, moving from motel to motel with their dad. Back when Dean would go out to get more money so that little Sammy could eat. Sam hadn’t learned what Dean was doing and not hooking up with chicks until he was 13 and found Dean on his knees in front of some guy in an alley when he’d gone out to get a soda. Sam remembers standing there in shock, not watching but unable to look away and barely being able to stop himself from gasping when the guy handed Dean some money before walking away, not noticing Dean slipping his wallet from his pocket with a sad look of disgust on his face.

The memory finished flashing before Sam could manage to say a goodbye to Dean and all that was left was to wave before heading inside. Repressed memories of his childhood floating through his mind while he sat down on the couch where Dean had been sitting and stared at the television, remembering all the things Dean had gone through for him.

He remembered John coming home from a job with such a violent rage that he tried to down with alcohol. He remembered Dean sending Sammy to his room after Sam had yelled at their dad about getting wasted and never being home. He remembered hearing Dean’s muffled screams and restrained cries as he took the beatings that John had to offer. He remembered Dean saying that Sam didn’t mean it. He was just hungry because Dean hadn’t fed him well because he had spent the little money that John had given them, trying to impress a girl. 

He remembered the ache in his chest, every time after finding Dean like that in the alley way, when Dean would go out with that same soft tone in his voice and a ruffle of Sam’s hair. Now that he thought it over, he remembered Dean buying Sam’s favorite kinds of foods and even tending to his picky stomach while Dean himself ate away at the cheap canned soups and ate Sammy’s scraps. 

He remembered Dean coming home with a split lip when Sam was 15, saying he’d gotten in trouble with a girl’s boyfriend, but Sammy knew what Dean had really been doing. He knew because he could still see some white liquid in Dean’s hair as if someone had tried to smear it all over his face to humiliate him. He remembered that Dean had come home with the biology textbook that Sam needed for his schooling that night and saying that he’d lifted it from the girl, but Sammy could tell that he’d just recently bought it when he found Dean trying to burn the receipt in the trashcan after sending him to bed.

Sam remembers Dean coming home tired and with bruises, having hustled pool and then stealing more wallets only to be caught by the people that he’d played and having to fight his way out of the bar. Dean tried to never let Sam see the bruises, only showing them after working a job with Dad and saying he’d gotten snagged. But Sam knew which ones were older than some of the others.

He remembered returning to their motel early from school one time and finding Dean being in a knife fight with their drunken father who was spewing all kinds of hurtful words at Dean. Telling Dean he was a useless faggot that wouldn’t amount to anything and was holding Sam back from his potential. 

“ _Sam’s big and strong and you’ve got him playing normal with the other kids. You useless sack of nothing, I’m taking him on the next job and you can’t stop me. There’s a man in Oklahoma that’s paying me to kill his brother and I’m gonna need someone like Sam to help me get through the door so he’s going!” John slurred angrily, lunging at Dean with a small knife._

_“He’s got school and I’m not gonna let you mess him up!” Dean yelled back, easily avoiding his father’s attempts to stab him._

_“He’s not your kid, he’s mine! You’re nothing but his brother, so stand down and do what I tell you!” John yelled, managing to tackle Dean to the  
ground and they got into a messy brawl with Dean trying not to hurt John too much._

Sam never understood why Dean had tried to get on John’s bad side but never fought back until later that day when Dean had packed a duffle full of weapons and a single change of clothing and said goodbye to Sam with that same tone he used before going out to sell himself.

Sam had come to recognize it as his “I’m doing this for Sammy” tone and the guilt ate away at him.

Another memory flashed, quite different from the others. One that he’d forced buried under all of the other crap for Dean’s sake. It was finding Dean sobbing quietly in the bathroom of yet another motel room with his clothing torn and cuts and bruises on his face. He’d had to break the door down, by then he was 16 and Dean had long since taught him how. It was late in the night and he’d already gone to sleep when he woke up with a bad dream and had heard noises in the bathroom. He hadn’t known that Dean had been back since it was still early and usually Dean was out so he’d kicked the door in to find Dean look up at him like a scared child, eyes wide and frightened, trying desperately to school themselves into composure despite the rest of himself.

Dean’s hair was messed up, but it looked like someone had been tearing at his hair to pull it out. He had cuff marks on his wrists like he’d been bound and it looked as though Dean had run back in such a hurry that he didn’t even rinse his mouth or face from another man’s ejaculate fluid, but his hands were also smeared as if he’d tried to wipe it off in a hurry. His shirt’s buttons had been popped off and half of his pant leg had been ripped off as if someone had tried to drag him away by it but it was so poorly patched up that it had given in and Dean had managed to get away.

It was the only time Dean had ever looked helpless and scared. Seeing Sam, Dean had buried his face in his crossed arms that were resting on his folded knees and tried to make himself smaller. It looked as though Dean was still trying to hide, make sure Sam couldn’t see him like that, but he couldn’t help the small hiccups that escaped his lips or the violent jolting of his body that came with them.

Sam had knelt down next to his brother, draping himself protectively over his big brother even though he was barely the same height, still not having reached his growth spurt. Dean had flinched at the contact, but when he looked back at his little brother, he’d grabbed onto him tightly and let the tears cascade down his face as he desperately tried to connect himself with his little Sammy, as if he could make them one person if he pressed himself hard enough. 

It was the only time that Sam could remember that Dean had grabbed onto Sam like everything depended on it. He’d pulled Sammy into his lap and crushed Sammy’s whole body against him. Sam realized that Dean was holding him like a baby, trying to fold himself over Sammy protectively so that nothing could hurt him. Sam remembers crying with Dean. Letting Dean hold him protectively like a mother that was being chased by a serial killer but was more concerned about hiding the baby than her own safety. 

He remembered grabbing onto Dean just as tightly, making sure Dean knew that he wanted him to be safe too. He wanted Dean to know that even though he could be a pain in the ass, he loved Dean just as much as Dean loved him. Neither of them slept that night, but Dean had still forced Sam out the door to go to school the next morning.

Sam never really found out what had happened, but he knew what he needed to. Dean had almost been raped, but he’d managed to escape before anything more than a forced blowjob could happen. It looked as though it had been more than one person, but he never asked. Not even when he saw even more bruises show up on his brother’s skin when he got out of the shower the next morning before he left.

Sam realized he was crying when he snapped out of his memories, and he knew he should probably get up and do something productive but he decided against it and went to Dean’s room. Aside from Sammy’s, it was the only room that Dean had decided to keep clean. Sometimes, when Sam would bring him a sandwich that he knew Dean wouldn’t eat when he was cleaning, it looked as though he was trying to scrub every last inch of it clean. It could be spotless and he could still find Dean scrubbing away at every nook and cranny like he was trying to purify it of something.  
Other times, he would find Dean staring at himself in the closet mirror while sitting on his bed. It wasn’t anger exactly, but that was there too, it was something more like loss. Sam didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand it when Dean washed his blankets a dozen times in a row and then finally put them on his bed. He didn’t even understand why Dean had scrubbed away at the bathroom shower so vigorously whenever he got mad. Dean just didn’t make sense. He hadn’t fixed the room next to his, not even the bed, but he would go in there sometimes and just sit on the carpet. Once or twice, Sam had caught his brother smelling the pillow but he didn’t comment. 

It was as if Dean was trying to purify the upper level but also keep that one room in a state of preservation. Dean still cleaned Sam’s room properly, but not with as much determination. Cleaning Sam’s room and fixing his bed was just so that Sam had someplace clean to sleep in.  
Sam laid down on the bed, taking in his big brother’s scent and wondered who the hell decided it was a good idea to put them through so much hell.

~

Dean got to his destination and got out of the car with a deep breath. He marched up the stairs and knocked on the door, unsure if whether he should have called first. Before he could rethink it and start walking away, the door opened and he took in Castiel’s surprised face.

“Dean? What are you doing here?” he asked. His tone was polite but confused.

“I came to apologize for what I said and to um… well to thank you for the heads up about Michael…” Dean replied awkwardly.

“Would you like to come in?” Castiel offered, stepping aside to allow passage but Dean declined with a polite shake of his head.

“Not really, I’m not gonna bother you for long I just wanted to say that I’ll wait… I’ll wait until you’re ready if you ask me to, but you gotta ask.” Dean said, still avoiding going inside.

“I can’t ask that of you. It would be too much, especially after what I did.” Castiel responded shamefully.

“I ticked you off, and you’re right. I practically made you choose me over your family so if you want me to pick you over Lisa or anyone for that matter, then I will. I just can’t have you messing with me like this.” Dean explained. “I can’t have you coming in and out of my life because it leaves me unstable and unsafe for Sammy. I need you to make your choice about me, so that I don’t end up doing something to hurt the one person in this world that I would give everything to protect. It’s probably selfish, but it’s the only resolution I have. Tell me to wait and I will, but if you don’t, then you can’t say anything about me being with someone else.”

“What do you want me to say?” Castiel asked. It was a genuine question, as if he would pick whatever Dean told him to.

“I want you to choose whether you want to be with me, or if you don’t. I just want to know how you feel because I’m getting a bit sick of this ride.” Dean answered. He knew he wanted Cas to tell him to wait, because then things could almost be alright. 

“You want to get off,” Castiel replied. He remembered what Gabriel had told him.

“I’ll stay on for as long as you like, if you ease it up a bit.” Dean tried to chuckle, but he could tell the metaphor had flown right over Castiel’s head when he tilted his head and looked up at Dean confused.

“I would appreciate it if you waited,” Castiel responded, eyes still slightly squinted as he stared at Dean.

“I know, you told me that before but that’s not asking.” Dean replied. He didn’t know why it was so important for Castiel to ask, but it was.  
Castiel placed a hand on Dean’s cheek, and Dean stepped forward into the apartment slightly, having missed the soft feel of Castiel’s hands.

“Wait for me, Dean Winchester.” 

It wasn’t a question. He wasn’t asking. It was a gentle demand, and for some reason it was better than anything.

Dean couldn’t help stepping forward even further and wrapping his arms around Castiel’s waist, pulling them close together and leaning in forward quickly to meet Castiel’s lips in a brief but bruising kiss. He stood hugging Castiel, but passion overcame him and he had to kiss him again, this time softer, but more thorough. Dean sucked on Castiel’s bottom lip, and when he bit softly on it, Castiel couldn’t help the small gasp that escaped his mouth, opening it just enough for Dean’s tongue to slip in. Small sounds came out of Castiel’s mouth as their tongues fought for dominance and Dean’s won, obviously the more experienced.

Dean managed to back Castiel up further into the apartment and Castiel’s knees gave in when they bumped against the back of the couch. Dean almost fell off of him and they both giggled as Dean wrapped Castiel back in his strong arms and angled their heads for a deeper kiss, Dean’s hands trailing around Castiel’s whole body so as to never forget how soft he felt and mapping out his body. It was messy and wet and left them both panting and wanting more, but Dean had been told to wait and he was going to if it killed them both.

So Dean pulled away, smirking at seeing Castiel left looking windswept on the couch, completely out of air with his hair having been left completely disheveled by Dean’s hands. Castiel was shifting now, and Dean had felt his boner pressing into his side when they were kissing. He smiled happily at Castiel before giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead.

“I’ll wait. I got some things I gotta do right now but I’ll wait for you Cas. Just don’t take too long or I’ll probably burst before we have a chance to do anything really fun.” Dean said with a wink.

He was out the door before Castiel could say goodbye, but he knew Dean had seen his smile.

~

The place gave Dean the creeps, but it wasn’t like he had a lot of options. He’d told himself he’d never visit, but here he was,  
“Hi dad,” Dean said, trying to keep his voice even. “How’s prison?”


	17. Anger and Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes to visit his father out of necessity, but when he gets back home to Sammy and Cas, things are better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a lot out of me. Please tell me how a certain scene came out? Also I'm kinda changing John's character from the show a little bit. This is what I figured he'd been like when they were growing up, if a little bit harsher because of Dean.

“Never thought I’d see you again,” John said with his usual rough tone. “Especially not on the other side of this glass.”

“Neither did I, but I got some trouble. I got a job for us to do.” Dean replied, keeping his voice professional.

“Great. Break me out and we can talk about it.” John responded, equally professional.

“It’s not as simple as all that and you know it. You got yourself caught and just like you told me before, ‘I ain’t gonna pull your ass out of a fire you lighted’.” Dean said with resentment.

“If this is about how I treated you as a kid, then you shouldn’t have been such a cock-hungry faggot.” John replied and his words felt like ice in Dean’s veins.

“Well I’m sorry I was such a disappointment.” Dean said curtly. “I shouldn’t have come, I know other people that can do the job. At least Bobby does.”

“You’re still hanging around that old junk collecting moron? Guess he supported your decision to be a fucking homo.” John spat, the words pushing away at all of Dean’s buttons.

“He actually didn’t say anything okay? And I didn’t choose to like other guys, it just happened. Have fun spending the rest of your life in jail.” Dean spat back, ready to hang up the phone.

“Wait,” John said before Dean could hang it up. “What’s the job?”

“I might’ve killed a very powerful man and now I got people coming after me from every direction. I need to shut it down, all of it. This isn’t just an assassination, this is a job that’s gonna take months and it’s just gonna be the two of us. Sam stays out of this and you don’t see him. You don’t call him and you don’t even let him know that you’re out, let alone alive.” Dean demanded. 

“He’s my son,” John interjected.

“He’s not yours and he never was.” Dean replied viciously. “He’s mom’s son and he’s my little brother but doesn’t have a dad. I have you, but you are nothing to him. You’ve never done anything that was good for him or anyone but yourself so you stay the hell away from him or I swear I’ll fucking kill you. No questions asked, I’ll put a bullet through your brain the second I see or hear anything about you stepping anywhere near him, you hear?”

John sat staring at Dean for a minute, assessing his son and seeing him different.

“You’ve finally grown some balls. Probably already had them licked at by some male cock-slut in a bar, but you’ve got ‘em. What’d it cost you?” John asked, a slightly worried look on his face that completely threw Dean off.

“It doesn’t fucking matter. Are you in?” Dean asked, the sharpness of his tone blunting.

“Of course I will. You may be a fucking homo, but you’re still my son. You grew up and I’m actually curious as to how and into what.” John replied. 

The concern unsettled Dean, and he felt the need to cover up with something.

“I still like girls ya know,” Dean said just for the hell of it.

“But you’re still gay,” John responded disappointed.

“Not 100%” Dean snarked before hanging up the phone and watched them take his dad back to his cell.

~

Sam had been going crazy. Dean had left three weeks ago and he still wasn’t back or picking up his phone. He called again anyways, but this time Dean actually answered.

“Dean! Where the hell have you been? Castiel called home a few days ago and asked if you were around and I didn’t have a proper answer!” Sam yelled once Dean had said ‘hello.’

“Woah, calm down. I just had something I had to do but I’m on my way home now. Don’t worry about Cas because I just called him and straightened things out.” Dean answered.

“He told me that you went by to see him…” Sam said, leaving the bitching for a time that Dean couldn’t just hang up on him.

“Yea and things are fine now. I’ll see you when I get home which should take like an hour okay?” Dean replied.

Sam said ‘fine’ before Dean hung up and sat down to wait… Then he called Cas because there was nothing else left to do.

“I’m already on my way over. Dean called me a few hours ago and I thought I would stop by to tell you so I’ll be there shortly.” Castiel said before hanging up.

Sam was left to wait again but he got bored and went out to buy candy. Dean was home by the time he got back.

“Gummy bears?” was the first thing Dean said.

“Always,” Sam answered, throwing a bag to his brother. “Where’d you go anyways?” Sam asked.

“I had a thing to do, so I went and did it.” Dean replied vaguely, his mouth already stuffed with gummy bears.

“What ‘thing’?” Sam asked abrasively.

“Nothing, just a thing. Don’t worry about it.” Dean evaded through a mouthful of gummy bears as he sat down on a kitchen chair.

“I hope you understand that that technically makes no sense. You said ‘nothing’ as in ‘no thing’ but you also said ‘just a thing’ meaning there was a thing so just tell me what it is!” Sam replied.

“Nerd.” Dean said. “It was nothing okay? I just went to visit somebody.”

“Who’d you go visit? And why the hell did it take you three weeks?” Sammy asked annoyed.

“Dude seriously just leave it alone. I’m back and I don’t have any bruises so I’d say it’s a good thing.” Dean replied, obviously not willing to give up any information.

Castiel came zooming in through the door. Sam had forgotten to lock it. He looked Dean over, even raising his shirt off a little to check for wounds, then yanking it off completely and turning Dean over to check for any new scars. Sam was left a little uncomfortable with the situation but he stayed there, knowing that things wouldn’t get any further.

He was wrong.

Before Dean or Sam could even think about it, Castiel had pulled Dean’s face down into a kiss and wrapped himself around Dean’s naked chest, trailing his hands over Dean’s pectorals and backing him up against a wall.

“I’m still here!” Sam cried out when Dean started taking off Castiel’s coat and suit jacket.

Sam was not ready for the fiercest look of “GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE” that he’d ever seen, coming from Castiel as he stopped and turned around to glare at Sam for a brief moment.

Needless to say, Sam made himself scarce.

Having settled down somewhat, Dean managed to pull away and hold Castiel at arm’s length before they could get any further.

“Not that I’m not thrilled by the welcome home, but does this mean you’re ready?” Dean asked, watching Castiel’s frustration build in his eyes.

“Dean, I had assumed this would make things easier since you are a man of action, but if you would _prefer_ to talk about it then we can sit down.” Castiel replied. 

He was being sassy and didn’t mean it, and Dean was ten thousand percent sure that neither of them wanted to sit down and have a chit chat. On the other hand, maybe he could punish Cas for the snarky remark… He decided against it and grabbed Castiel by the hand leading him to his room.

Dean could sense that Castiel was slightly nervous about everything, especially since he’d never really had a serious relationship… or any kind of relationship for that matter. He started by kissing Castiel chastely on the lips, before slowly making his way to his neck while griping onto his hair to tug it slightly to the side for better access. 

He wasn’t sure how far Castiel wanted to go, but he could control himself if Castiel wanted to stop.

As he nibbled at Cas’ neck, he started undoing the buttons on his white shirt and loosening the blue tie that was on backwards. He trailed kisses along one side of Castiel’s neck to the other, feeling Castiel’s hands rubbing strong circles on his shoulders. Dean managed to get Castiel’s shirt off and he kissed Castiel softly as he backed him up to the bed, laying him down softly, unsure of how Castiel wanted it as they kicked their shoes off.

Castiel was getting frustrated. His whole body wanted to be touched and screamed for attention but Dean was agonizingly slow. He pulled Dean down on top of him and kissed him deeply, swaying their bodies together as Dean landed on top of him, his hands reached up behind Dean’s head to keep Dean’s face plastered against his own and he licked greedily for access to Dean’s mouth which Dean easily gave. Castiel turned them over and he was suddenly on top, rocking his groin against Dean’s thigh and making himself painfully hard. 

Dean couldn’t help rutting his own erection against Castiel, reaching down to unzip Castiel’s pants. Everything kind of stopped as his hand trailed down Cas’ firm stomach and landed on his fly. Suddenly, Castiel was unsure of what to do and Dean wasn’t sure if he had the ‘go ahead.’

“Cas?” Dean asked, his voice barely a whisper as Castiel had pulled away and was staring at him with large uncertain eyes. 

“We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready. We can stop right now and move to something you’re more comfortable with.” Dean offered. He really didn’t want to stop, but the choice was Castiel’s and he would respect that.

They stared at each other for a few moments, forest green eyes looking up for permission from clear sapphires that were ready to turn around and leave. Castiel looked at the man beneath him and considered how much he needed this. How much they both did.

He simply nodded and Dean flipped them over again, leaving himself on top. He unbuckled his own jeans and stripped them off along with his boxer-briefs so that Castiel wouldn’t feel completely vulnerable when it was his turn to remove them. He leaned back down and pecked small kisses into Castiel’s chest as he tried to calm Castiel and took off the other man’s dress pants and boxers.

Watching Dean remove their clothing left Castiel in a daze. He watched Dean map out his body with his mouth, leaving small, delicate kisses all over his skin. Dean looked up at him through his eye-lashes, ready to stop if Castiel wanted them to and the thought made Castiel shiver and reach his hands up to brush through Dean’s hair. As he watched Dean finish tugging his pants off, he took in how big Dean’s manhood was. It was large and thick but not too long; it was a nice, sort-of-perfect size. The tip was a darker shade of pink than his lips and the shaft was just as tan as the rest of him. It kind of fascinated Castiel to look at Dean’s prick and he observed it like the work of art that he considered it was.

Castiel was unsure of what to do, but it seemed as though Dean would be taking over the operation from now on. 

Dean could feel Castiel’s hard-on in his hand as he worked his way down Castiel’s chest. He pumped it slowly as he licked circles around Castiel’s nipples, bringing his left hand to play with the one he wasn’t sucking. Castiel gasped and tugged on Dean’s smooth hair as Dean did his best to please him. 

Dean lifted the hand that was on Castiel’s cock up to massage circles into Castiel’s chest as he licked his way down to the stomach. He swirled his tongue around the belly button and lifted himself to look at Castiel’s dick. It was pale and long with a proper amount of thickness, and a pink tip that made it seem as though it was almost blushing at the attention. Cas had obviously been circumcised, leaving the feel of him in Dean’s hand smooth and easy to stroke before Dean licked at the tip, causing Castiel to moan loudly and strengthen his grip on Dean’s hair, almost making it painful.

Dean gave no warning before taking the whole thing in his mouth, and Castiel could feel himself hitting the back of Dean’s throat, and then some. Dean swallowed around the cock in his mouth and took more of him in until his nose was pressed into the dark hairs at the base. It took every ounce of self-control that Castiel had to not just fuck up into Dean’s mouth and force him to gag. Dean’s hands held him down firmly, knowing that it was an overwhelming sensation, especially for a virgin. He bobbed his head up and down, moaning with each suck to cause vibrations and drive Castiel insane. 

“Dean!” Castiel pleaded, almost completely overpowered by the feeling of immense pleasure. 

He latched onto Dean’s left shoulder with the hand that wasn’t in Dean’s hair. He couldn’t help squeezing and, despite the pain, Dean felt like it always belonged there. He swallowed around Cas again and sucked harder, already savoring Castiel’s distinct taste of pre-come.

Dean felt Castiel squirm his legs open beneath him and heard every small breath that escaped his lips. He looked up to see him and saw Castiel staring at him through large imploring eyes with dilated pupils and biting on his lip so hard, Dean thought it might bleed. He let go of Castiel’s hips with one hand and started fondling Cas’ balls with it. He popped his mouth off of Castiel’s cock and moved his tongue up from underneath the shaft. He spread Castiel’s legs further apart and played with Castiel’s testicles in one hand and pumped Castiel’s dick in the other, swirling his tongue around the knob before sucking it hard, trying to force the orgasm out as he squeezed Cas’ balls with just enough pressure that he knew would send Castiel over the edge. 

He moved his body forward slowly, his own achingly hard dick dragging over Castiel’s leg and forcing out a moan that Castiel caught in his mouth with a kiss. Dean rubbed against Castiel’s thigh as he pumped Castiel in one hand quickly, matching the fast rhythm of Cas’ jerking and rubbing his thumb over the slit over and over again to slicken the pumps with the small spurts of pre-come that were leaking out. His other hand was on Castiel’s chest, pinching the already hard nipples and tracing small shapes against his abdomen until it came to rest on his heart. Dean could feel it puttering like a machine gun and he knew Castiel was barely holding on.

“It’s okay Cas,” Dean whispered into his ear. “I got you, just let go.”  
All the words in the world vanished from Castiel’s mind. The only thing left in the universe that he knew was Dean. Every language he’d ever studied was gone and there was only one word that made sense. He said it over and over again as he came with a shout that Dean caught with his own lips, stroking out the rest of Castiel’s orgasm because Cas was too drained to thrust upwards anymore.

Dean was still hard, but he’d been pleasuring Castiel and it had distracted him long enough that he didn’t explode. Now though, it was requiring immediate attention. Castiel had gone completely limp in the after-glow, but his eyes were focused on Dean’s with his pupils blown wide, covering all but the small circle of blue around them. He stared at Dean with a complete look of adoration that forced Dean to look away and try to take care of himself with his head rested against the sound of Castiel’s heartbeat, kissing at Cas’ chest and nuzzling his nose around it and letting his teeth trail over it gently in small circles.

Castiel regained his ability to move, if only slightly because his legs were still shaking and he reached down to meet the hand that Dean was using to pleasure himself, with his own. He brought it up to his lips and kissed the knuckles gently in thanks, knowing that it was the same one that Dean had been using to pleasure him with and started stroking Dean slowly, replacing it with his own hand.

Dean used the ability to move both of his arms to clutch tightly onto Cas, embracing him with his arms tucked under Castiel’s shoulders, holding himself up with his elbows to look into Castiel’s eyes. Dean looked up and saw that Castiel’s eyes stared straight into him, like he was seeing everything that Dean was and accepted it. They were incredibly close and he could feel Castiel’s hot breath on his lips before he reached down to kiss him.

Castiel moved his other hand to massage at the small hairs on the back of Dean’s neck, lifting himself up slightly to suck on Dean’s neck before coming back to look Dean in the eyes.

Dean wasn’t sure whether to look away or never stop staring into those beautiful blue eyes whose color was returning as the pupils went back to their normal size whilst Dean watched. Dean stared back until he couldn’t anymore and had to search for more friction as he thrust faster and faster into Castiel’s hand, placing one of his own on top of it to keep it where it was.

Dean was angled perfectly to kiss Castiel repeatedly with every thrust. He could hardly find a rhythm anymore and soon he was panting against Castiel’s neck, sucking and biting hard into the skin there. He tried to suppress the moan that was ripped from the back of his throat when he came and it turned out sounding like a strangled growl as he bit into Castiel’s shoulder. He rocked the rest of his orgasm out in their intertwined hands as he tried to soothe the bite with a lick and kissed his way back up to meet Castiel’s mouth as an apology for it if it had hurt.

“Thanks Cas,” Dean managed to say softly as he tried not to collapse on the other man but wanted to look him in the eyes.

Castiel didn’t respond, he simply brought his hand to the back of Dean’s head and pulled him down for another kiss. It was lazy and he could taste himself on Dean’s lips when he sucked on them, but he hoped it could convey his own gratitude. 

Dean rolled over to his side, careful not to crush Cas with his weight. They were both exhausted and the day was nearly over anyways, so Dean cleaned them off quickly with one of the cleaning wipes he’d left side drawers and tucked himself under the covers, motioning for Cas to do the same and then curled himself against Castiel, draping his arm over him in a hug and pulling him closer until their naked bodies were completely against each other. 

Dean chuckled as he felt Castiel’s cold feet against his calves and draped his right leg over them like an extra blanket. Castiel let out a contented sigh and Dean pressed a kiss against his damp head, snuggling his angel closer to him.

~

Dean woke up the next morning as the little spoon. It wasn’t uncomfortable per se... It was just weird so he moved to lie down on his back and let Castiel splay himself on top of him. He smiled as he realized they were both still naked and Cas was trying to angle his dick in a comfortable position in his sleep.

Castiel managed to get relaxed again but he was using most of Dean’s side. Actually he was just using Dean as a mattress. Dean took the opportunity to just hold Castiel, linking his fingers so that Cas couldn’t go anywhere if he woke up. Castiel’s head was in the crook of Dean’s neck and he tilted his head to be able to take in Castiel’s scent of honey almond shampoo and sweat that they’d worked up together, in Cas’ hair. 

_“You’re gonna ruin me.”_ Dean thought as he brought a hand to trace over the scars on Castiel’s back that Alastair had left.

He felt Castiel shiver on top of him and he snuggled the man closer, well aware that he’d be waking up soon.

Dean kissed the back of Castiel’s head that was next to his own and linked his fingers back together before letting himself drift off to sleep with an armful of Cas.

Castiel woke up unable to move. There were strong arms pinning him down and he turned to his right to find Dean’s face next to his. He was literally on top of Dean, probably the reason for the man’s heavy breaths despite being asleep. Dean had somehow managed to lock their bodies together, even though Castiel had distinctly remembered falling asleep facing the other way and completely on his own side. Now though, they were both taking up Dean’s side and Castiel couldn’t move without waking Dean up.

Castiel was doing his best to be gentle, but Dean wouldn’t let go. Every time Castiel had tried to wake Dean up or slip out of his arms, Dean’s arms tightened around him. 

“Dean, you have to let me go.” Castiel said with a huff against Dean’s ear.

“Meverrmmf,” Dean mumbled as he buried his head into Castiel’s shoulder.

“Dean please. I need to put on some clothing.” Castiel tried again.

“Noooo,” Dean whined drowsily, squeezing the air out of Castiel’s lungs.

“Dean I want to make you breakfast.” Castiel said.

Dean simply snored back at him loudly before turning his head away.

Castiel was really struggling now and Dean still wouldn’t let him go. He wasn’t entirely sure that Dean was asleep, but Dean’s heartbeat was still slow and not sped up as if he was holding in laughter, so Castiel let it slide and wrapped his arms as best he could around Dean and fell back to sleep.

~

Sam had slept uncomfortably. He’d wanted Dean and Cas to be on speaking terms but things had taken a very unexpected turn. Nobody had informed him about what Dean and Cas had talked about when Dean went to visit Castiel and Dean still hadn’t told him who he’d gone to visit for three weeks after that. 

He tried being happy for Dean, but when he heard Castiel scream out Dean’s name and chant it like a prayer while he was trying to prepare for bed, it made things incredibly awkward.

Aside from that, they were somewhat quiet and Dean had made sure that none of the beds in the house rocked hard enough to hit the walls and chip the paint so Sam considered himself lucky.

Not as lucky as them but still.

He woke up early since he hadn’t really wanted to stay up late last night and he went down to the kitchen. 

“Dad?” Sam said surprised to find his father sitting perfectly comfortable on the couch in the living room.

“Shh Sam. Come here.” John motioned.

“No. What the hell are you doing here?” Sam asked annoyed and on alert.

“I came to talk to you, but I need it to only be you.” John tried to explain.

Sam approached the couch cautiously, not sitting down, but leaning his back against the wall and shrugging his shoulders so that John could tell him what he wanted and then leave.

~

“Sammy!” Dean gasped, accidentally throwing Cas off of him and onto the floor.

“I wish I could say that’s the first time you’ve dropped me on the floor in the morning,” Castiel muttered as he got up and searched for his pants.

“Sorry,” Dean said rushed with a kiss to Cas’ forehead before barely throwing on his jeans and rushing downstairs with a gun, leaving Castiel confused and worried, trying to tug his own pants on quickly.

~

“What the hell are you doing here? I told you not to come over! I told you what would happen!” Dean yelled, cocking the gun at their dad.

“You wouldn’t shoot me, I’m your father!” John yelled back.

Dean fired a bullet that ran straight through John’s right shoulder.

“Dean!” Castiel shouted running down the stairs to see what had happened.

“Who’s this?” John growled angrily as he clutched onto his shoulder. “Is this your boyfriend?”

“Shut the hell up and get out!” Dean practically screamed, still pointing the gun at John.

“Dean wait,” Sam said.

“What did you tell him?” Dean asked furiously, completely ignoring Sammy.

“Nothing yet… Can I get something for this?” John asked pointing at his shoulder.

Castiel stood frozen in place, but when Sam moved to get something, Dean held his hand threateningly.

“Don’t.”

“Dean he’s bleeding,” Sam pointed out.

“He wouldn’t be if he’d listened to me.” Dean growled.

“He’s my son!” John argued.

“NO HE’S NOT! Sam stopped being your son the second you left me to take care of him alone in that first motel room!” Dean replied violently. “I was four years old dammit, and I had to raise him alone! You were gone for two weeks before you came back from that first job. You didn’t think I would remember? Well I do you sonofabitch! I remember everything! I even remember how you weren’t there for his first steps! I remember you not being there when he said his first word. It was ‘Bean.’ I remember you being on some damn assassin job in Europe when he asked why we didn’t have a mom! I remember the first time he hurt himself really bad and broke his arm jumping off of the shed and I was the one that had to take him to the hospital on my handlebars!”

“Dean-” Sam started.

“NO!” Dean barked. “I remember when he first asked me about how to talk to a girl. I had to give him the sex-talk that I never got from you. I put him through school and through college! All you ever did was beat me and train me to kill people until it was the only thing I knew how to do! You called me ‘weak’ and ‘useless’ and ‘faggot’ all of my life but I _had_ to be gay! I had to suck a few dicks to keep Sammy alive! You spent all of the money getting wasted! You have no right to Sam! None!”

Castiel could see Dean’s body was starting to shake with the memories, but the gun alone stood steadily pointed at the older man’s head.

“Dean…” Castiel coaxed softly as he walked over cautiously.

Dean allowed him to stand close, but he wouldn’t put the gun down.

“Get out, dad.” Sam said firmly.

But John was fixated on his eldest and the strange young man that had seemed to calm him down, if only slightly. He watched as Castiel walked up to Dean and wrapped him in a hug, Dean receiving it warmly and draping his left arm around him without taking his eyes off of or pointing his gun away from his father.

Castiel’s hands followed little scar lines that John hadn’t immediately noticed on his son’s body. Torture marks. He noticed deeper wounds across the other man’s back on his shoulders, but those were fresher. He saw the hand his son used to hold the gun and he saw faded scars left by self-harm and the deeper scar of a suicide attempt. He saw Dean holding the other man close, to protect him and keep him safe from the danger he saw standing in front of them.

Aside from the painful marks on his son’s body, there was a hickey on his neck and a hand-shaped bruise on his left shoulder, like someone had clutched on tightly. The other man had a bite mark on his shoulder that John wasn’t even gonna ask about and was covered in small mouth-shaped bruises across his chest in a trail leading downwards like Dean had used their time together to adore every last piece of the other man that he could touch.

John saw love. Love that he knew he’d never taught either of his children. He saw a protective love that Dean had gotten from his mother before she died in that terrible fire that sent John’s world spiraling downwards. The sight before him left John confused. He didn’t think that homosexuals could actually fall in love. It had always seemed to be a more physical attraction than anything but here his son actually loved another man.

“I did it to make you stronger. I did it so you wouldn’t be defenseless when you discovered all the cruelties in the world. Now, can I meet your friend?” John asked curiously. It was a dangerous question and he knew the answer but he wanted to see Dean react.

“No. You didn’t do it to protect me, you threw me into the worst kind of things in the world and you don’t get to be forgiven. Now get the fuck out.” Dean growled. His arm tightened around the smaller man, at least Dean made him look that way but John could tell that he was taller than average, almost as tall as Dean, and had a fighter’s build.

The stranger turned to glare daggers at John, and it was then that John noticed that he wasn’t just hugging Dean, he was protecting him too. He wasn’t just calming him down, he was covering him with his own body. It made John wonder how he’d ended up with those scars on his back.

Dean’s finger was twitching. Their dad wasn’t moving to leave anytime soon and he’d made a promise. He fired a shot, but John had seen it coming and dodged. Before Dean could shoot again, Castiel had wrestled the gun away from him with hardly any fight from Dean who didn’t want to hurt Cas. John moved to run at Dean, but Castiel stepped in front of him, ready to take whatever hit John was going to throw.

“Dad stop!” Sam yelled, wrestling John’s arms behind his back.

John saw the temptation that flashed through the strange man’s blue eyes to hit him while he was restrained, but something else crossed Castiel’s mind and he stepped right up to Dean and kissed him firmly on the lips, tugging away with Dean’s bottom lip caught between his teeth for John to see.

Dean couldn’t help the smile that lit up his face as he looked at Castiel in pleased astonishment. He turned to look back at his dad with a stony expression and shook him out of Sam’s grasp.

“We had a deal and you’re gonna keep your end or next time, Cas won’t be here to stop me from shooting a bullet right between your eyes.” He warned, throwing John out the door with a push.

Dean watched his father walk away through the window. Castiel had followed Dean and was still at his side, waiting for John to be off of the property and away from view before he knew Dean would allow him to pull him down for another kiss. It was just a peck, but they both needed the comfort it brought and smiled at each other.

“So I’m guessing you went to visit dad?” Sam asked, interrupting their moment.

“Yea. I need his help with something and I went to break him out.” Dean explained vaguely.

“Your father was in prison?” Castiel asked curiously.

Dean sighed, unable to lie to Castiel. “He’s an assassin. We grew up traveling and on the run, and… Well he trained us in his profession. More like he trained me so I could train Sam and I did, just not a lot… I wanted him to have a normal life.” 

“If he got caught, then why is he alive? Shouldn’t he have been injected already?” Castiel asked.

“Well they would have, but they only managed to pin him with one charge of first degree murder, and his lawyers managed to get him a plea bargain of life imprisonment instead of the death penalty.” Sam explained.

“He’s obviously killed more than one person,” Castiel said confused.

“Well yea, but they can’t prove any more than that one so there’s really nothing anybody can do about it.” Dean replied, draping an arm around Castiel’s shoulders as he walked him over to the dining room.

“Basically they’re all just alleged charges and can’t be held against him in the court of law.” Sam explained in more law-like terms. “Now though, with his prison break, they can probably send him to a higher max facility if they ever catch him or even give him the death penalty if they get any new murders to stick.”

Castiel nodded in understanding and they left the conversation at that. Dean made them breakfast of bacon and cheese omelets with some Pillsbury biscuits that Sam had bought to be lazy, and they sat down to watch cartoons on the big TV.

“They aren’t bad… but they’re not as good as mine.” Dean said after he took a bite out of a biscuit.

“Yours aren’t that good.” Sam argued.

“You’re very wrong Sam. Dean makes the best biscuits anyone in my family has ever tasted. Even Gabriel complimented the batch he sent over last December.” Castiel interjected.

“You’re just saying that because you slept with him.” Sam teased.

Castiel’s face grew hot and Dean could see the tips of his ears go red.

“You’re just jealous because he’s with me and not you,” Dean said with a goofy grin consuming his face.

“You’re wrong. I’m just- um… Your biscuits aren’t that good shut up.” Sam murmured, his face going completely red. He wasn’t jealous that Dean had Cas exactly, but he might be a little bitter that Dean had found somebody that would put up with his crap while Sam hadn’t just yet. He didn’t have a lot of crap either but there he was… alone and single.

“Hey Sammy!” Dean called having finished swallowing.

“What?” Sam asked annoyed but looking over.

Dean grabbed Castiel by the cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss, forcing Cas to make a muffled startled noise through the biscuit he’d been eating and the kiss.

“I think I got some of your biscuit…” Dean said after the letting Cas go.

“Keep it,” Castiel snapped, completely embarrassed and his face turned pinker and pinker until it was a light shade of red.

“Seriously Dean? That’s just gross.” Sam scoffed.

“That’s nothing. You should’ve seen what else I had of his in my mouth last night.” Dean wiggled his eyebrows with the shit-eating grin that he always had when making Sammy uncomfortable on purpose. 

Cas visibly choked on his omelet and Sam felt extremely bad for the guy. Honestly, it looked like Dean was just about ready to take back his comment when he saw Castiel turn even redder than before, like he was about to implode with mortification.

“Oh God, Dean!” Sam scolded, trying to shake the image out of his head.

“Okay I’m sorry about that one.” Dean apologized, patting Castiel’s back to try and help him since he was still coughing.

Castiel shoveled the rest of his food in his mouth before standing up to leave.

“Aww c’mon Cas! I’m sorry!” Dean yelled apologetically after Castiel.

“See what happens?” Sam said glad that Castiel hadn’t put up with Dean’s shit.

“Shut up Sam!” Dean yelled as he apologized profusely to Castiel and followed him around apologetically. 

Eventually Castiel forgave him and Dean decided it was time for them to go on a proper diner-and-a-movie date but it was early and Dean had another idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was my first smut scene ever.... PLEASE COMMENT! I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT CAME OUT.


	18. First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Castiel out and then for their first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The summary probably really sucks but I'm kinda super tired so I can't think right.

Dean and Cas went back upstairs to get ready for the day. Castiel had to borrow some of Dean’s clothing again, but neither of them minded, Dean’s heart always seemed to do a weird flippy-thing when he saw Cas in one of his shirts that was a size too big on him.

“Hurry up Cas! I gotta take a shower too and Sammy’s using the other one. If you’re not out in thirty seconds, I’m just gonna have to join you.” Dean yelled to the other side of the bathroom door.

He heard Castiel fumble in the shower and then a loud sound of a bottle falling down.

“Do you _want_ me to join you?” Dean asked, lowering his voice seductively.

“I’ll um… I’ll be out in a few minutes!” Castiel’s voice was strained and Dean had a pretty good idea as to why.

“Need help in there?” Dean offered teasingly.

“I’m fine, Dean.” Castiel muttered.

Dean chuckled and waited his turn.

Something in Dean’s heart felt both warm and constricted with a feeling he’d preferred to ignore. 

They got dressed in Dean’s clothing, Castiel looking small in the shirt two sizes too big.

“Alright, let’s go.” Dean said, grabbing at Cas’ hand as he walked him down the stairs and out the door to his Baby.

Sam saw his brother’s hand laced with Castiel’s but didn’t comment. He could tease him later, but for now it was good to see a smile on his brother’s face.

“Where are we going?” Castiel asked as they piled in the car.

“Someplace I’d kind of hoped never to go but it seems kinda necessary and it might not be half bad if you’re there.” Dean said smiling as he turned over to see confusion on Castiel’s face.

Castiel kept silent as they drove with Led Zeppelin playing in the background. Dean let out a heavy sigh as he turned to the mall’s parking lot and they got out.

“What are we doing here?” Castiel asked curiously.

“I’m taking you shopping…” Dean murmured as he grabbed Cas by the sleeve to move him towards the entrance.

“Dean, it’s not necessary.” Castiel tried.

“Yea, it really is. As sexy as it is to see you wearing my clothing, it’s a bit obvious and you need new clothes so I’m buying you some that suit you.” Dean explained.

Castiel looked down at what he was wearing before looking up at Dean with a smirk.

“You think I look sexy?” 

“You always look sexy,” Dean flirted, shoving Castiel’s arm playfully.

Cas wanted to reach up to kiss Dean, but he wasn’t sure how Dean felt about public displays of affection or people knowing about them so he kept his peace and simply smiled at Dean.

“What?” Dean asked after they’d walked around for a while but Castiel hadn’t stopped smiling at him.

“Nothing,” Castiel replied. 

“Alright well we’ve been walking around for a while. See anything you like?” Dean asked, feeling at some clothing to check the quality of the fabric.

“I see something I really like,” Castiel purred as he stepped closer.

Dean shifted slightly looking around. 

“I um… I meant to wear…” Dean clarified with a slight stutter.

“What do you like?” Castiel asked. Backing away and focusing more on what clothing was on sale.

“On you? Anything.” Dean said smiling. “Seriously, you’d look good in a sparkly pink dress.”

Castiel looked at Dean confused again, his forehead scrunched in question.

“Why would I wear that?”

Dean chuckled lightly as he gave Castiel a quick hug.

“You wouldn’t. I was just joking.” He clarified.

They walked around browsing until they got to the undershirts and t-shirts.

“What size are you?” Dean asked as he picked up a black t-shirt.

“It usually depends on the brand, but I think I’d be a medium in this one.” Castiel replied.

Dean grabbed a small, a medium and a large and took Castiel to the jeans section where they picked out Castiel’s size and the sizes nearest to them before heading to a changing room.

“Dean, it’s cramped in here.” Castiel said irritated.

“That’s because you didn’t want to get the handicapped one.” Dean replied stubbornly.

“Someone might need to use it, I’m sure if you just got out then there would be enough space for me to change comfortably.” Castiel said with a huff.

“Alright that’s a no. C’mon.” Dean said, opening the door and dragging Castiel and the clothing to the largest one at the end.

“What if someone needs to use this?” Castiel asked, looking at Dean with a peeved expression.

“Someone does: Us. So just change already so we can leave before the poor handicapped old lady you’re so worried about comes and can’t find a room to change in.” Dean answered sarcastically.

Castiel changed quickly, trying on the small t-shirt first because Dean had insisted.

“It’s too tight,” Cas complained.

“I think it looks perfect,” Dean replied, smirking as he look Cas up and down admiringly.

Castiel rolled his eyes and tried to get it off but to no avail.

“I think I need help removing this particular article of clothing,” Castiel said looking at Dean with frustrated eyes.

“See? This is why we got the big one. C’mere.” Dean said, stepping closer to help Castiel out of the shirt. 

Castiel lifted his arms and Dean took the opportunity to lift Castiel’s shirt slowly, his hands feeling at Cas’ sides and up the arms.

Castiel started shaking and it wasn’t until Castiel was topless that Dean saw that he’d been giggling.

“What the…?” Dean asked. He’d thought he’d been pretty damn seductive. Cas should be jelly in his hands right now.

“Apologies, I felt the irresistible urge to laugh when you’re hands trailed over my armpits.” Castiel said, still smiling but slightly confused with himself.

“Aww, you’re ticklish.” Dean said, stepping forward to give Castiel a small kiss on the forehead.

“I suppose I am… I don’t understand why I didn’t have this problem before.” Castiel responded, already trying on the medium shirt.

“Well when things are heated, being ticklish isn’t really a main focus. Besides, I’ve learned how to avoid particularly ticklish areas when I’m- well you know…With someone…” Dean explained awkwardly.

“Ah, I see.” Castiel said, shrugging it off.

“That one looks good.” Dean supplied as Castiel checked himself in the mirror.

“It fits well and it’s comfortable.” Castiel said, mostly staring at Dean through the mirror.

Dean smiled at Cas’ reflection, stepping behind him and wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist as he looked at how perfectly they seemed to fit together. Not just physically, but substantially.

Castiel had placed his hands on top of Dean’s, and Dean placed a kiss behind Castiel’s ear, petting at the shirt lightly before taking it off of Castiel.

“Well I think this shirt is perfect. It’s soft and high quality, and as a bonus: it slides right off.” Dean said with a wink when he saw Castiel staring at him with tender eyes and a small smile.

Castiel tried the different kinds of jeans on, Dean sitting in a chair in the corner making little jokes about Castiel’s ass every time he bent down to take another pair off or put another pair on.

Castiel was unsure of which jeans he wanted, so Dean just grabbed five pairs that he’d thought looked good on Cas (which was most of them) and then went back to the t-shirt section to get five shirts each of black, white, and gray of the same brand.

They picked out a few white dress shirts for Castiel before they headed to the cashier to pay.

“Here,” Dean said handing over a few cash bills.

“Dean, I can’t let you buy this for me. Here.” Cas interrupted just as the girl was going to take Dean’s money.

“Dude, this was all my idea. You didn’t actually think I’d let you pay for this when I’m the one who forced it?” Dean asked, lowering Castiel’s hand with the hand he wasn’t using to extend the money to the store clerk.

“But I’m the one that’s going to be wearing the clothing.” Castiel answered, his eyes staring into Dean’s as if trying to telepathically scream at him.

“Well I’m the one that’s going to be taking them off,” Dean clarified stepping closer so that only Cas could hear.

Castiel stood still for a moment as his ear tips went red and Dean handed the employee his money and she bagged up their things.

“Have a nice day!” She said cheerily with a smile once she’d finished ringing them up and Dean placed an arm around a disgruntled Castiel and walked him out the door.

“C’mon Cas, don’t be mad. You’re the one that started with the flirting in the middle of the store earlier, remember?” Dean said with a smile, arm still resting on Castiel’s shoulders.

“Fine…” Castiel said, looking up at Dean frustrated by forgiving.

Dean let his arm slide off from around Castiel and they walked around quietly after that, just watching people pass them while Dean carried the bags.

“Wanna get something to eat? There’s a food court on the second floor if you wanna check it out.” Dean offered when he’d walked around enough.

“I’m not very hungry,” Castiel replied contented. “Could we still go upstairs? I’d like to sit on that bench facing the window.”

“Sure thing, Cas.” Dean said as they walked toward the escalator.

They hadn’t taken very long to get to the bench, but it had been occupied in the time it took to get there.

“Oh,” Castiel said disappointed when he saw a group of young people had already sat down and were laughing.

“Hey guys,” Dean said with his charming smile. It didn’t go unnoticed by Castiel the heart-shaped eyes the younger girls were making at Dean and his stomach turned in jealousy.

“Hi,” one of them said flirtatiously, dragging out the vowel sound.

“Mind if we sit here?” Dean asked.

“Yea, we kinda do.” One of the boys sitting next to the girl replied standing up.

“Woah, no need to start anything, I just want to sit down.” Dean explained, raising his arms as a sign of peace.

“Sit somewhere else,” the annoying brat replied tauntingly.

“Listen kid,” Dean started. “I don’t wanna start anything but if you wanna go a few rounds in the parking lot then that’s fine. But there’s no need to act like a dick to try and impress a girl, believe me when I say, it’s a turnoff. It’ll be even worse if you force me to kick your ass from here to next Sunday.”

“Yea right, like you aren’t trying to do the same for your boyfriend over there.” The brat said, turning to look at his friends to see if they were smiling with him.

“Listen to me you worthless cockroach-” Castiel started. Stepping forward and gripping the boy by the collar.

“Cas!” Dean raised his voice lightly, resting a hand on Cas’ shoulder and pulling him back away from the moron who looked slightly rattled.

“What the hell is your problem?” the guy asked angrily.

“You,” Castiel spat out.

“Cas, calm down.” Dean said, moving Castiel behind him before turning to look at the boy. “See what happens when you pick fights with random strangers? I just wanted to sit down and you’re acting like you own the bench. Newsflash for ya: you don’t.”

“Whatever.” the jerk responded, looking over at Castiel who was fuming behind Dean but staying where Dean had put him.

“Now, let’s try this again. Mind if we I sit here?” Dean asked cordially.

“Yea. I think I made it clear that I do.” The boy retorted stubbornly.

“Oh my god, Josh! Just let them sit down.” One of the girls said annoyed.

“No. We were here first!” Josh replied.

“Wow that’s real mature. But if we’re talking about who came first, I’m older so I guess that I came here first.” Dean said with a chuckle.

“Dude, just fuck off.” Josh retorted irritated.

“You better watch what you say to me,” Dean warned. Patience long past thin.

“How about you _fuck off_ so I don’t have to say anything to you,” Josh said, turning his back to Dean to show he wasn’t threatened.

“You really want to piss me off don’t you?” Dean asked, tone threatening.

“Josh, don’t say anything. We’re going, just come with us.” The same girl said, trying to pull away at him when she saw Dean’s expression.

“No. I’m not gonna have this guy bully me around just cause he thinks he can take me. I was on the wrestling team!” Josh shouted back at her.

“Real impressive. How old are you?” Dean asked.

“I don’t need to tell you anything, shithead.” Josh spat.

“He’s twenty-three!” Another one of the boys answered, curious as to where this would go.

“Wanna take this outside?” Dean asked considerately.

“Whatever. I’m not gonna go outside and kick your ass just so you can show off.” Josh replied.

“Dude, you’re such a pussy!” The other boy yelled.

“Shut the fuck up!” Josh barked.

“You’ve been picking a fight with the guy but you won’t see it through. Such a fucking douchebag.” The other boy replied.

Dean was getting bored, but things had escalated and he wasn’t backing down now as a matter of principle.

Castiel stood watchfully, hoping the group would simply leave so that Dean wouldn’t have to fight the particularly obnoxious one.

“Fine, let’s go outside!” Josh said turning back to Dean.

Dean sighed heavily.

“Too scared or what? You’re a fucking joke!” Josh taunted.

Dean shut his eyes to keep the rage boiling inside of him tame. Castiel’s eyes were wide, seeing the expression on Dean’s face worrying him slightly as to whether Dean would be able to control himself when beating the stranger.

“Let’s go. Cas, you stay here. I’ll be back in five.” Dean said, placing a hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

“But Dean-” Castiel started, but Dean cut him off with a look, angling his head toward the window to indicate that Castiel would be able to see whatever happened and still get to keep the bench.

Castiel nodded and watched the group as they went downstairs, disappearing for a small period before they reappeared in a good view from the window.

Castiel watched worriedly as the other guy lunged toward Dean to try and send him backwards, but Dean was hardly pushed before he shoved the other boy back a few feet. Josh tried again, aiming for Dean’s legs this time, but Dean stepped aside and the boy fell forward. The boy tried punching at Dean, but Dean caught it and hit the boy with his own fist before letting go with a shove.

The boy tried his best to get a hit in, but Dean blocked all of them and left the boy bruised even though he was barely even touching him. Castiel couldn’t know exactly what happened, but it seemed as though the boy had let his mouth run off and Dean had snapped, letting his fist pound into the boy’s face repeatedly with a look of complete anger taking over him. The other kids ran at Dean to try to stop him but he shrugged them off. 

Castiel went running down to help, seeing Dean flip another kid over his shoulder and knock him out with one punch. The girls were screaming for him to stop, but Dean was set to kill as he went back to Josh who was already bleeding and broken, barely breathing and hardly awake.

“You don’t ever call _anyone_ that again or I will find you and I swear to you I will end you. But not before I make sure that you can’t remember what anything other than pain feels like.” Dean said as he towered over the limp body, his voice dark and threatening.

He shoved Josh’s body to the ground harshly before storming away.

“What happened?” Castiel asked furiously as he turned to look at the three girls huddled together.

“Josh was being a dick. He started talking about you and him.” One of the girls offered, stepping away from the other two. “He started saying about how your friend like it up the ass and a bunch of crude remarks that seemed to fly right over the guy’s head, but then Josh called your friend a ‘dick-licking faggot’ and he just lost it. It started out like he was just humoring him, but then he just started hitting him and wouldn’t stop so David and Henry had to step in to at least try to stop him but he just wouldn’t.”

“He’s had problems with the word. I’m sorry for this, it shouldn’t have gone this far.” Castiel apologized.

“Don’t even worry about it. Josh had it coming and it looks like your friend didn’t hurt the others badly, just knocked them out. I’ll make sure no charges are pressed against him, I was getting pretty pissed off too.” The girl replied with a nod.

“Thank you,” Castiel said before setting off to look for Dean, but she caught his arm.

“I don’t know him but he seems to be pretty unstable… I don’t think he’d hurt you, I mean I saw the way he looks at you, but just be careful?” She warned.

“I don’t need to be. Not with him.” Castiel said smiling at the ground before walking away.

Dean was back at the bench, face consumed with darkness after he’d just beaten a boy senseless.

“Dean?” Castiel asked as he approached cautiously.

“We got the bench,” Dean said lazily with his arms spread across the back. “Sit down.”

Castiel did, because that was what the whole mess was for, but when he looked up to see Dean, he found his eyes vacant as if he’d just had a fix of his favorite kind of drug.

“I’m sorry it got to that. He just- he said something and I saw red. It happens sometimes and I know it shouldn’t but it does. I’m working on it Cas.” Dean said, his eyes turning back to look at Castiel sadly as if his high was gone and he’d been shoved back into reality.

“It’s alright Dean, I understand.” Castiel tried to soothe, scooting closer to Dean until the sides of their bodies were completely touching.

“I’m trying to be less broken,” Dean said. His voice was softer than a whisper and he turned his head to lean on Cas.

Castiel looked up into Dean’s eyes, seeing the sadness there and wanting to replace it with the joy that had been in them earlier. Dean was staring back, as usual, but then he dipped his head forward and he kissed Castiel chastely, like a question. Castiel used the opportunity to kiss Dean completely. It was messy and desperate, but everything else in the world tuned out except for them. Castiel wasn’t sure how long they sat there, embracing and kissing each other, but when he pulled away and saw a sparkle back in Dean’s eye, it didn’t matter. 

“Wasn’t sure you were one for PDA,” Dean said with a small smile as he stared at Castiel.

“I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me like that since we arrived,” Castiel replied with a little smirk that made Dean’s stomach do funny things he strictly elected to ignore.

“C’mon, we gotta put this stuff away at the house,” Dean said as he stood up, finding an elderly woman wearing a long, conservative skirt staring at them with disgust as she whispered to a teenaged girl and tried to cover her eyes.

Dean’s mischievous streak took the better of him and he visibly licked at Castiel’s mouth, shocking Castiel to gasp and Dean darted his tongue in, moaning loudly and holding Castiel close, tangling Cas’ hair with his fingers.

Dean heard the woman puff and he smiled contentedly as he linked his fingers with Castiel’s and walked the dazed, blue-eyed man past the shocked woman and her smiling companion.

“What was that?” Castiel asked once he’d shaken himself and they got to the car.

“What?” Dean asked feigning innocence.

“That tongue-fest back there,” Castiel replied. Unsure of whether to be annoyed or happy or both.

“I just wanted to, but it won’t happen again if you didn’t like it.” Dean said casually as he started the impala.

“I’m not saying I didn’t like it, but it was a bit unnecessary.” Castiel replied confused.

“Every kiss I give you is necessary.” It was out before Dean could censor it and label it ‘chick flick’ or ‘girly things only Sammy would say’.

Castiel knew it was a slip, he knew Dean, so he kept quiet as though it hadn’t been said but he couldn’t help the warm feeling pooling in his stomach and the goofy smile that spread across his lips.

Bad Company’s “Moving On” played on one of Dean’s mixed tapes on their way home and Dean grabbed the bags to take them upstairs to the room next to his.

“This is gonna be your room to use whenever you want.” Dean said, ear tips turning red as he realized he still hadn’t cleaned it.

“Thank you…” Castiel said awkwardly. He’d never really expected to have his own room in this house.

“You can use my room whenever you want too, or any room but Sammy’s man-cave obviously, but your clothes will be here. It’s kinda small, I know, but it’s probably still gonna be more than enough to fit the clothing for now…” Dean explained, just as awkwardly.

“It’s perfect, Dean.” Castiel said as he stared up to see Dean’s shy face.

“I didn’t clean it… It still smelled like you from the last time and I kinda missed you but whatever… it’s all yours.” Dean tried to say casually to avoid girly moments but he knew what he’d said and internally punched himself in the face. “If you want to paint it or change the sheets and blankets, that’s up to you… I could change it however you want. If you want it tan or something or if you want it some other color… I painted it sky-blue when we got the house ‘cause I thought it would be kinda peaceful with the fluffy white sheets and the silver comforter but I can change it…”

“Dean,” Castiel interrupted his ramblings. “It’s _perfect_.”

“Right… I was just letting you know…” Dean said rubbing at the back of his neck.

They finished putting the clothing away. It wasn’t a lot since it was more of an emergency stock but it was more than that and they both knew it. This was Dean letting Castiel into his heart and into his small family with Sam.

“There’s a place that Sam said has good food a few blocks down, wanna check it out?” Dean offered as he sat drinking a beer lazily on the couch.

“No takeout or burritos today?” Castiel asked teasingly as he sat down on the couch to lean on Dean.

“I have never fed you take out. Not to say that it isn’t awesome but I just haven’t. As for burritos, you loved those so don’t even start.” Dean laughed, silently offering Castiel a swig of beer from his bottle. “Nah, I was just thinking I should take you out. Like actually go out on date-type thing if you wanted.”

Castiel took the bottle from Dean, taking a small sip before giving it back. “I would very much enjoy going on a date with you.”

Dean smiled and nodded, laying down more comfortably and letting Castiel use him as a pillow.

“Hey Dean, I’m back!” Sam yelled once he’d opened the door. “Oh hey, Cas.”

“Hello Sam,” Castiel said once he saw him.

“Hiya Sammy, you’re home early.” Dean said, not moving from his comfortable position.

“Actually, I’m not. You just haven’t been around much lately.” Sam replied, setting his briefcase on the table Dean had assigned it when they’d first moved in but Sammy hadn’t used until recently.

“Been busy,” Dean said looking away.

“Doing?” Sam pressed.

“I really don’t want to get into this right now,” Dean said as he let his head drop back.

“Then when?” Sam asked stubbornly.

“Sometime when I’m not about to go on my first date with Cas okay? Maybe after, but that would kinda ruin it right? So how about never? That sounds good to me.” Dean replied easily.

“Woah, go back. You’re actually barely going on your first date with Cas?” Sam asked bemused.

“Yea why?” Dean asked defensively, sitting up just as Castiel did to look at Sam better.

“You guys are kinda topsy-turvy.” Sam laughed. “I mean I thought you two were going out way back in November last year with how constantly you guys were hanging out, but then it turned out there was a big thing with Cas and the light show and he ranted about being in love with you but nothing came of it until recently? Seriously? You guys had sex before your first date?” 

“First _official_ date okay? Now shut up because me and Cas are awesome together, we just have communication problems. Especially when you’re around.” Dean replied defensively.

“You and Cas are ‘awesome together’? Is that you’re manly way of saying you love him and think your relationship is perfect?” Sammy teased.

“I swear to God, I’m gonna punch you in the face because you are ruining my calmed attitude!” Dean snapped.

“I’m just kidding Dean. You poke fun at me all the time.” Sam defended still smiling slightly.

“Yea but I don’t just throw words like ‘lo-’ hmm.” The word didn’t want to come out…

“Like what?” Sam asked, curious as to whether Dean would say it.

“You know ‘what’, so just shut the hell up and leave us alone,” Dean snapped, standing up and left to go to his room.

Castiel watched after Dean quizzically, but knew better than to follow.

“Hey wait!” Sam called, following Dean up the stairs before yanking him into one of the empty bedrooms.

“What?” Dean said shaking himself out of Sam’s hold.

“We need to talk and I don’t want you getting uptight with Cas, so just tell me why you went to go see dad. What do you need his help with that you didn’t ask me?” Sam asked curiously, trying to keep his own frustration out of his voice.

“I can’t tell you,” Dean started. “I can’t drag you back into this life.”

“Dean, did you ever even try to stop?” Sam asked disappointed and his frustration building.

“Sam…” Dean said shaking his head and looking down.

“Seriously Dean, I thought you were avoiding that kind of life. I thought that for once, _for once_ , you were doing something that was good for you. I thought that Cas might’ve been helping you but instead you’re just lying to him and you’re lying to me. Tell me what the hell is going on!” Sam snapped.

“I can’t! I can’t tell you and I certainly can’t tell Cas because things are fine right now and I’ll deal with everything else later but believe me I was doing this so I can stop. I practically killed some guy earlier today and I don’t want Cas to see me like that but I can’t help it! Sam I don’t know how to do anything else.” Dean tried to explain.

“What guy? Is he alive? And shut up about not knowing how to do stuff because that’s not true. You are the smartest guy I know, you can fix cars and you’re surprisingly good with chemistry! 

You can do anything, you just have to try.” Sam replied.

“Oh don’t give me that crap,” Dean scoffed. “You know that I won the friggin’ lottery with Cas. He doesn’t need me to do anything except not kill people. I’m trying to do that! He doesn’t need to know that the last guy I killed was his brother.”

“You what?” Sam asked in disbelief.

“I killed his brother Lucian. It was harder than usual and I needed some help from another guy that wanted him dead but it turns out he wasn’t trying to take down anything, he was just trying to take over.” Dean explained dejectedly.

“Why would you do that?” Sam was practically at a loss for words.

“He was a bad guy. I don’t mean like because he killed people, but he did that too.” Dean tried to explain. “I mean he ran a criminal organization with drugs and sex-trades. He had fight clubs and strip clubs and hookers and he wanted you. He wanted you to join a fight club and he already had you in Hell until I took your place.”

“That’s all messed up and everything, but why didn’t you tell me? Why did you have to go to someone else huh? Why don’t you trust me?” Sam asked, slightly hurt.

“I didn’t want to drag you into this and then I thought dad could help but apparently when he came along, he ruined everything. I can’t have you getting hurt, not when it’s my job to protect you. It’s the only other thing I know how to do and I’m not even good at it but it’s my responsibility.” Dean replied looking down.

“Dean, I’m 26. I can take care of myself now and I want you to start caring a little bit more about yourself because if you’re not then that’s just selfish. I need my big brother around. What was the guy’s name?” Sam asked.

“His name was Crowley. I don’t know if it was his real name but that’s what I got to work with.” Dean answered, looking back up.

“Alright well then I’ll help you find him, and dad can do the dangerous work. I won’t tell Cas about his brother, but you know you’re gonna have to tell him eventually right?” Sam replied.

“Yea, I know. But tonight I just want to take him someplace. I’m not sure where, because apparently LA isn’t quite like San Francisco and people aren’t as accepting. Apparently a few miles makes all the difference in the world.” Dean said as he turned to the door to leave.

“Hey, I’ve never known you to let what other people think stop you from doing anything.” Sam said with a smile.

Dean half-smiled before opening the door and leaving to go to his room. 

~

Dean couldn’t decide on a fancy plate to eat, but Castiel ordered the only thing normal sounding on the menu and they went to watch a movie after Dean paid the bill. Which movie didn’t really matter to either of them so they got tickets to the first movie that was about to start and bought popcorn and soda before sitting down.

Dean didn’t watch the movie, he could find it online later if he were so inclined, but he watched Castiel. Apparently the plot was captivating and Castiel’s hold on Dean’s arm tensed at certain times. Dean threw some popcorn at a kid that was kicking the back of another person’s chair and told him to stop. Castiel sat still, looking straight at the screen with one arm linked with Dean’s.

Some people turned their noses up and he caught a few men whispering and pointing, but Dean didn’t do anything. He just stood guard of Castiel and made sure that people didn’t do anything that Castiel would notice to be homophobic.

After the movie, Dean towered over everyone as if to say that he and Castiel were not to be trifled with. 

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel asked after they walked out holding hands and Dean still kept a watchful eye out for potential threats.

“Nothing Cas, it’s nothing for you to worry about.” Dean replied with a smile.

“You seem upset and more watchful than usual,” Castiel observed.

“I’m not upset, I just didn’t like the way that kid was kicking at the chairs in front of him. It’s annoying.” Dean tried to brush it off.

“Alright,” Castiel didn’t believe Dean, but if Dean didn’t want to tell him then there was no way he could push him without making him angry.

Dean calmed down after that, and they walked together for a while with their fingers intertwined and Castiel half-leaning on Dean. The conversation was quiet but the silence was familiar and welcomed. Then they stopped to sit on a bench and Dean looped his arm over Castiel’s shoulders, tugging him in close.

“What do you need your father for?” Castiel asked cautiously, but casually.

“I have a job I need him to do,” Dean answered vaguely.

“What sort of job do you need a trained assassin for, Dean?” Castiel asked again.

“I just need help to do something I don’t really want to talk about right now.” Dean replied, keeping his tone calm.

“Dean, what’s wrong? Are you in trouble?” Castiel inquired, looking up at Dean.

“Just a bit, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.” Dean said, sighing.

“I thought things ended after Alastair.” Castiel replied questioningly.

“I’m always getting into new trouble,” Dean said with a smirk before his face turned serious. “I promise that I won’t let anyone hurt you again. I swear it.”

“I’m not concerned for myself, I’m concerned for you. I saw what happened earlier.” Castiel explained.

Dean looked away and unwrapped his arm around Castiel.

“I’m sorry about that. I just can’t help it sometimes and the kid was begging for it. He needed to be taught a fucking lesson and no one else was gonna teach it to him.” Dean replied frustrated.

“I know what happened. You don’t have to care what other people say, especially not some insolent ass whose opinion doesn’t matter to us.” Castiel said calmly.

“Cas, I can’t let him talk to anyone like that. People shouldn’t be talked to like that because when dicks like him let their mouths run off, kids with enough problems start to kill themselves or just let themselves wither into nothing because they think they don’t matter.” Dean explained. “I grew up like that. I know what it’s like to wish I were dead and hating myself because I’m different. Sam had that problem for a while and it’s not a nice thing to go through or watch anybody you care about go through.”

“Dean,” Castiel started. “You’ve been so hurt during your life, and I know that. But you can’t half-murder everyone that says something hurtful.”

“I didn’t want to Cas.” Dean replied, avoiding Castiel’s piercing gaze. “This is what I am. I don’t know how to stop. I can’t fucking stop!”

Castiel held on to Dean, soothing him softly by rubbing small shapes on Dean’s back.

“You’re more than this Dean. You can’t see how beautiful you are because you hate yourself so much.” Castiel whispered against Dean’s shoulder.

Dean couldn’t cry. He was too angry at himself to cry. He didn’t feel he deserved Castiel and it made him hate himself even more. Dean didn’t move and the lack of motion concerned Castiel and he tried to coax him into doing something other than sit on the bench facing forward with a hard expression on his face.

“Dean?” Castiel asked to see if Dean would react.

Dean’s face fell from its expression and he turned to look at Castiel with the most hopeless expression Castiel had ever seen on anyone’s face.

“I’m sorry Cas.” Dean said staring straight into Castiel’s eyes. “I killed your brother. I killed Lucian.”

“I know. It’s alright. You did what you had to for Sam.” Castiel reassured.

“How can you forgive me?” Dean’s voice cracked slightly along with a piece of Castiel’s heart.

“Because I know you,” Castiel assured softly.

Dean scoffed a bit before repeating “how can you forgive me?” and shaking his head.

“You do what you have to when you feel yourself or someone you love is being threatened.” Castiel clarified.

“I’m so sorry, Cas.” Dean apologized again.

“I know. It’s alright.” Castiel assured again.

~

They went back to the house after that. Sam was passed out on the couch and they were both exhausted. They went upstairs and changed into sleep clothes before snuggling together on Dean’s bed.

“Don’t you have work?” Dean asked once they were pressed together and were staring at each other through the closet mirror, the only light coming from the window.

“I don’t have a job at the moment.” Castiel answered softly.

“What about your apartment?” Dean asked equally soft.

“Gabriel moved in with me since his apartment became too expensive for him and he wanted us to spend more time together.” Castiel replied, his eyelids already closing slightly.

“When are you going back?” Dean asked nervously. 

He didn’t want Cas to leave, but he knew it was inevitable.

“Possibly tomorrow…” Castiel replied cautiously, unsure if whether Dean still wanted him there.

“Oh… okay.” Dean said hugging Castiel closely as if holding him closer would keep him there forever.

“Goodnight Dean.” Castiel said with a yawn before curling himself closer (if it was even possible) and closing his eyes.

“Sleep well, my angel.” Dean whispered back before burying his face in Castiel’s hair and drifting off into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holiday break coming soon and I don't know when might be the next time that I'll update but I'll work on the next chapter whenever I can, when I'm not super busy.


	19. Dean and Crowley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes undercover to take down Crowley's kingdom of vice and debauchery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not be updating as frequently as before because finals and whatnots but I'll still try to write when I can :) Please enjoy!

After Castiel left the next day, Dean called John.

They met up at the local bar and they planned out what they were going to do before going their separate ways with a deal to meet up again in a week to start the new mission.

“You’re home late,” Sam observed when Dean came back home in the middle of the night.

“Yea, I planned everything out with Dad and we leave next week.” Dean explained tiredly.

“Alright, well what are you doing this week? I would’ve thought you’d leave as soon as possible.” Sammy asked.

“Dad’s gonna call up some of his old partners and see if they want in. Mostly just people with debts that need to be paid off so that we don’t actually have to pay ‘em.” Dean answered, sitting down on the couch next to Sam.

“What about you? What are you doing?” Sam inquired curiously.

“I gotta gather up the necessary weapons and get a few more blueprints and stuff. We could do that when we get to where we gotta go but I figure the sooner we start, the sooner I can come home. Dad suggested I go undercover so I’m gonna get prepped for that. See if Meg can hook me up with anything.” Dean replied easily.

“Isn’t that kinda risky? You did kill Azazel, Alastair, and Lucian. Are you sure it’s safe? They might want you dead.” Sam asked slightly frustrated, concern written all over his face.

“Maybe, but I worked with Crowley before and he runs the whole show now so that’s a point in my favor I guess. Besides, the first thing we learn in this business is not to trust anybody so I’ll be fine.” Dean reassured his little brother.

“How does that make things fine? You can’t trust anyone.” Sam asked getting even more annoyed and concerned.

“They don’t trust me, but most likely they don’t trust each other either. We’re all gonna be one big happy family.” Dean replied with a smile.

“Dean,” Sam said shaking his head.

“Look, Dad has some ties in with these people. Like I said, they’re involved in everything and Dad is actually in their good graces because he’s done some work for some of them before. It’s gonna be okay.” Dean tried to console his Sammy.

“How long will you be gone?” Sam asked, resigned.

“Two months, tops.” Dean assured with a smile.

“Alright,” Sam said. “Just make sure to come back?”

“Of course, Sammy.” Dean replied.

~

The next week when Dean had packed a duffle and was ready to leave, Sam was still unsure of whether to let his brother leave or not.

“I’ll be back before you get a chance to miss me,” Dean assured with a smile before walking out the door and climbing into the Impala.

Sam watched sadly as Dean drove away, following their Dad’s truck to whatever destination they were headed to.

~

Another week passed before the phone rang and Sam jumped and ran to pick it up, thinking it might be Dean.

“Hello?” He said with a question, a flicker of hope that it might be his brother calling to tell him he was okay.

“Hello Sam.” Castiel voice replied, making Sam’s heart sink just a little.

“What can I do for you?” Sam asked, trying not to let disappointment seep into his tone.

“I was hoping I could talk to Dean,” Castiel replied. “He isn’t answering his cell phone.”

“Oh, he’s um… he’s not here. I thought he’d told you…” Sam answered awkwardly.

“Told me what?” Sam could practically see the suspicious eye-squint that Cas was definitely making on the other line.

“He’s not gonna be home for a while. I think he said two months, tops.” Sam explained. “He went on that job with my Dad. I kinda thought he would’ve told you since you guys are- well you know…”

“Yes…” Castiel’s tone sounded a bit sad and Sam wished he could comfort the poor guy.

“Sorry,” Sam apologized, even though he hadn’t really been at fault here.

“It’s alright,” Castiel’s tone was stiff, like he usually was when he was trying to cut off his emotions. “When did he leave?”

“He left about a week ago, he said he’d be back soon and knowing how good he and my Dad are at these things, I know he’ll keep his promise.” Sam answered reassuringly.

“Thank you,” Castiel replied. “I won’t keep you any longer, you must have things to do.”

“Not at the moment. I was actually gonna call and ask if I could go over and visit you guys. Dean told me you and Gabe are living together?” Sam asked.

“Yes we are,” Castiel answered, his tone lighter and less guarded. “I would very much enjoy having you visit and I know that Gabriel would not be opposed.”

“I got a free weekend, how about that?” Sam asked smiling.

“That would be good, Gabriel is having his shop repainted this weekend so it would be good.” Castiel replied.

“Alright, I’ll see you then.” Sam answered before hanging up.

~

“Hi Crowley, never thought you’d see me again did ya?” Dean asked.

He watched the short man’s eyes look to him in guarded confusion.

“What are you doing here?” A deep British accent asked with caution.

“Came to see about an open position,” Dean said with a smirk. “You should have a few of those now.”

“What the bloody hell is wrong with you? You can’t just kill some of my best assassins and ask for a job. Who does that?” Crowley asked infuriated.

“Someone who’s better,” Dean replied. “I want a job. I need one, my skin’s crawling for something to kill and I need cash.”

Crowley looked over Dean. Observing him. Dean was covered in blood, most of the kills had been swift and easy, but he’d also had fun with the last one, brutal and tearing the corpse apart.

“Well seeing as we have open positions, I might consider it.” Crowley said thoughtfully. “I want this mess cleaned up and I’ll call you when I have a job for you. Same number I assume?”

“You know what they say about assumptions.” Dean said before pulling out a bloody piece of paper and throwing it on Crowley’s desk.

“I guess I’ll call you later then,” Crowley said as he watched Dean walk out of the room, pulling away and one of the three dead bodies he’d left behind.

~

Two months had passed and Dean still hadn’t called or said anything. Sam was getting antsy and Castiel had passed that a month ago.

Castiel had disappeared too after things got to be too much and so Sam spent his vacations with Gabriel. Gabriel never seemed to be disturbed by any of it and that helped Sam keep calm whenever it didn’t frustrate him and make him want to hit something.

“Don’t you ever get worried?” Sam asked annoyed while Gabe took a pie out of the oven.

“About what?” Gabriel asked as he set it on the counter.

“Castiel went missing like a month ago and it’s like you haven’t even noticed!” Sam yelled.

“Cassie’s a big boy. He can handle himself and anyone that tries to mess with him, so he’ll be fine.” Gabriel replied coolly.

“How can you be so okay with this? Both of our brothers are missing and we don’t know where they are! All we know is that they up and left without telling us where they were going.” Sam yelled frustrated as he plopped himself back on Gabriel’s couch.

“Listen here Sam-squatch, they’re adults. They make their own decisions and they’re the best two fighters I know. They are just fine.” Gabriel replied calmly, sitting on the couch next to Sam.

“You frustrate me sometimes,” Sam said annoyed.

“You frustrate my dick all the time,” Gabriel said with a wink. “What do you say sexy? How about un-frustrating it?”

Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows and Sam just scoffed with a smile as he pressed play to the movie they were watching before the timer set for the pie had gone off.

~

“My fighter against yours, what do ya say?” A woman wearing a tight black dress asked Crowley.

“I think it’s a waste of my time. I have a business to run.” Crowley replied. “Now if you’ll excuse me.”

“Can’t you take just a little bit of time off? I’ll make it worth your while.” The woman said seductively.

“You work for me.” Crowley said annoyed and getting angry. “I don’t want to waste my time with you or the blasted fighting rings. I’m not a patient man, and you are testing my non-patience.”

“Sir-” The woman started.

“Put her away for now, I’ll deal with her later.” Crowley said with authority.

She was hauled away by one of his guards before Dean showed up.

“What’s with that?” He asked, having passed the screaming woman in the hall.

“Just someone stepping out of line. What do you want?” Crowley asked as he walked back around his desk.

“You’re gonna need another body-guard. I had to get rid of one of them that was going to run to the police. You owe me for that by the way.” Dean replied seriously.

“I suppose I’ll have to go down to the fighting rings again after all.” Crowley said annoyed. “Are you up for beating the hell out of more brutalistic morons that enjoy hitting each other?”

“Do I actually have a choice?” Dean asked bitterly.

“No,” Crowley responded with a smirk. “Remember not to kill them unless they are absolutely begging for it, I need you to pick out the best fighter and bring him to me.”

“Sure,” Dean said before leaving.

~

“We took down the whole drug business and most of those sadistic strip clubs they had all over the damn country yesterday.” One of John’s old partners informed Dean and John when they rendezvoused later that night.

“What about the sex-trade? I haven’t heard you bring that up in a long while.” John asked gruffly.

“That was handled months ago. It was the first to go down. Apparently Crowley isn’t too fond of that either and he was letting it wither away anyhow.” The man replied.

“Good, but we really have to take down the fighting clubs. I gotta go down to check on some of them tomorrow for Crowley and I don’t get why you aren’t focusing on those more now that we got a lot of the other ground covered.” Dean said brusquely and annoyed.

“We had a lot of things to cover while you’re playing pet to Crowley so don’t tell us how to do our jobs.” John snapped.

“I’m the only reason any of this is happening. I’m the reason you guys know where everything is so don’t treat me like I’m not contributing anything.” Dean warned darkly.

“Alright, settle down there Winchesters.” The other man interjected. “I know that we’re all sick of each other and having to watch our steps and who we talk to but we started something we gotta finish. Now Dean, is Crowley getting at all suspicious about his networks going down?”

Dean sighed. “He hardly notices, I’m pretty careful about him not finding out until the time is right. I gotta go back before people start asking questions but I’ll meet you guys at rendezvous point D tomorrow night at 11:45 on the dot.”

Dean got up and left them, sneaking back up to his assigned apartment.

~

“Alright, listen up boys.” The fighter’s referee called. “We got ourselves a very special guest: Crowley’s best assassin. I’m thinking we tire him out first and then send in our champ, how about that?”

Dean chuckled a bit knowingly. The testing fights were not for viewers, and the fighters weren’t allowed to see Dean until their own fight. Dean easily fought off the first ten, sloppy fighters who basically threw their weight around. The next ten fighters were a bit harder but Dean took them all out in an estimate of 20 minutes anyways.

They gave Dean a break, Dean didn’t really need it too much because his adrenaline was rushing through his veins and he felt exhilarated and at home in the rink, something he would never admit to anyone.

He could tell that the clubs were already out of fighter by the time they sent out a kung-fu warrior with two swords.

“I thought we said no weapons!” Dean yelled in agitation.

“Fight clubs don’t have rules!” The owner of the fighter yelled back with a cackle.

It was a shame, but the only way Dean saw out was by killing the fighter. It was a lesson to the owner and it was self-defense at the same time.

He spent the whole day fighting off around 90 fighters and he was getting exhausted. He’d gone through two clubs and he still hadn’t found someone that might satisfy Crowley. It was his own fault that Crowley needed a new guard. He’d killed the other one after he’d found out about Dean and was going to rat on him, but it had to be done.

It seemed like nowadays, all he did was kill people. Dean killed the people Crowley sent him to kill. He killed people that were threats to his cause. He killed people in fighting rinks when things got out of hand. The only bright side that Dean saw was that he had a choice in killing these people fast and painless as opposed to how he tortured others in the past and let them live back when he worked for Alastair.

Crowley didn’t trust Dean with the tortures. He knew Dean’s history with it and didn’t trust that Dean could keep a level head while doing it again. Dean was somewhat grateful, but he knew that Crowley only did it for selfish reasons. Once Dean went off the rails, Dean wouldn’t allow himself to be controlled by anyone for any reason. More likely than not, he’d kill Crowley.

~

The next day, after a night of planning with John and a group of their partners, Dean went back to the fight clubs. He spent the day fighting again, and Crowley met up with him to see if there was anybody that might take the open position.

“None yet, but I’ll find someone.” Dean replied breathless after one of the fight club owners set a group of 10 on Dean.

“None of the ten you just tested?” Crowley asked annoyed but there was a small hint of hidden concern.

Crowley liked Dean, that much was true, but he couldn’t trust him, no matter how much he might’ve like to.

“If I could take on ten of them, they aren’t that great.” Dean replied, nursing a bloody lip that a lucky kick had given him.

“I’d like that replacement by the end of today. Work harder.” Crowley said coldly.

“Sure thing,” Dean huffed.

“I might just have to give you that position if there isn’t anyone.” Crowley said as he was about to walk away.

“You need a body guard, not a trained assassin at your side. I’ll find someone good enough but these guys are brainless morons that took a few boxing classes and think they can fight. What’s your best fight club? I’ll get someone from there.” Dean said impatiently.

Crowley turned around with a smile. “I’ll tell the driver to take you there once you’re ready for another fight.”

“Why can’t you just tell me?” Dean asked curiously. “Don’t you trust me?”

“Not for a second.” Crowley replied with a smile as he walked away.

~

The driver shaded the windows so that Dean couldn’t look outside and drove Dean to a deserted old farm.

Dean got out of the car and the burly driver took him to the inside of the house where there was a door leading to a basement. Dean walked the rest of the way down by himself, not very surprised to find that there was a whole other kind of world down there with dim lights and dirt flooring.

“Dean Winchester?” An attractive young lady asked with a flirtatious grin.

“That’d be me.” Dean said with a flirtatious smirk back.

“Crowley told us to expect you. We have our fighters lined up and ready for a round. Would you like to start with our strongest or our weakest?” She asked politely.

“How about we mix it up a bit?” Dean said with a wink.

“Anything you want,” she replied, biting her lip before walking away.

Another guy showed up to take him to his corner, where he would be resting.

“Are weapons allowed here? Crowley said no to the others but I can’t be sure what he said the rules were for here.” Dean asked.

“No rules except no guns,” was the short answer the man gave him before setting a bottle of water down and leaving.

Dean went over his weapons that he had brought just in case. They were his usual ones and reliable. He took out the blade he’d used to cut himself close to death a very long time ago. Since then he’d killed so many with it he’d almost forgotten that dark day. He looked it over before setting it in his leg strap and prepping himself for the shit-storm of fighting to come.

The girl announced the fighters and Dean actually struggled with these. They were harder to knock down and they actually knew what they were doing. Dean managed to win all of them, but he was getting exhausted quickly.

They gave him ten minutes to recover after the first ten and he sank down on his small stool.

They called him back up and he’d composed himself, ready for another fight but the sight before him shook him to his roots and he almost collapsed.

“Cas?” Dean asked dumbfounded.

“Dean?” Castiel asked equally shocked.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Dean bit out.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Castiel replied slightly uncomfortable.

“I don’t have time for a chit-chat. Your owner’s gonna be here soon and expecting a bloodbath.” Dean replied coldly.

“I’m sorry, is something the matter?” the girl from before asked, stepping into the ring.

“Nothing at all sweetheart, just having a small conversation with the opponent before the fight. It’s good to make nice and make sure there are no hard feelings.” Dean replied easily.

Castiel’s entire body was consumed with jealousy at hearing Dean call that slut: “sweetheart.”

“We should get on with this!” Castiel spat angrily.

“Yea, we should. It’s not safe in here, you should get out.” Dean told the girl.

“You didn’t call! I was worried.” Castiel whispered angrily once the girl had left.

“So you thought ‘hey I’m worried so I’m gonna join a damn fight club and get myself killed so he has no one to get back to’?” Dean replied infuriated.

“I was looking for you!” Castiel defended.

“I’m handling this and I don’t need you screwing this up!” Dean replied coldly.

A flash of hurt passed through Castiel eyes before his expression turned back to anger.

“You left without a goodbye,” he hissed.

“I wasn’t leaving forever! I was going back. I made a promise to my brother.” Dean replied defensively.

“You promised two months!” Castiel yelled.

“Well how long has it been?” Dean asked annoyed.

“It’s been 11 months and 17 days.” Castiel replied stubbornly.

“No it hasn’t,” Dean scoffed.

“Sam marked your calendar when you left. I’ve counted every day.” Castiel replied, still stubborn.

“So it took a bit more time than I expected. You could’ve called.” Dean said frustrated.

“You weren’t answering.” Castiel said angrily.

Dean was about to say something when they were interrupted.

“What’s going on down there? Why aren’t you fighting?” A man asked through a microphone.

“Just taking a breather, I’m ready now!” Dean called out.

Dean took a deep breath before lunging at Castiel. The fight was pathetic and he didn’t throw a single punch. Castiel had no qualms about punching Dean but he avoided the face and kept them light, knowing that Dean had been hit harder in other fights and still had more to come.

They took their sweet time, wrestling each other without hurting the other. Somewhere in the middle of the fight, they’d taken their shirts off for better movement. They still argued back and forth about getting themselves into trouble, but when Dean slipped out “God, Cas, I fucking missed you so much,” it took every ounce of self-control that Castiel had to not kiss him.

Their fingers lingered and it still looked like a fight, but Castiel and Dean weren’t actually fighting, just playing at it for the viewer’s amusement.

“You have to knock me down Dean.” Castiel said sadly after they’d been rolling around for a good long while.

“No, I have an idea and I need you to knock me out.” Dean said, trying to contain his smile so that no one could see.

“What idea?” Castiel asked.

“You could help me. Be undercover as Crowley’s bodyguard and you can see me all the time and I’d finish this all sooner.” Dean replied a little hopefully.

Castiel just smirked at Dean before punching him out.

~

“I’ve got you a bodyguard.” Dean said to Crowley the next day. “He’s a great fighter, knows how to knock an opponent out with one punch and he’s a good listener for when you’re feeling chatty.” 

“Who is it?” Crowley asked bored.

Dean called Castiel into the room. One of Crowley’s tailors had made Castiel a suit and Castiel looked very professional (and sexy) when he stepped into the office.

“You think he’s a good bodyguard?” Crowley asked.

“I think he’ll be the best you got.” Dean replied, trying to keep the happiness out of his voice.

“Alright, well what’s your name?” Crowley asked.

“Castiel Novak,” Cas replied.

“Novak?” Crowley asked suspiciously turning to Dean.

“Yea, he’s Lucian’s brother. They didn’t get along great.” Dean answered.

“Get him down to his post,” Crowley said after a short pause of looking Castiel over.

“Sure thing,” Dean replied.

“Oh and Dean?” Crowley called him over quickly.

“Yea?”

“Keep an eye on that one. I’ll be putting him in your building and if he does anything suspicious, kill him.” Crowley said before dismissing Dean.

~

“I can’t believe you’re here!” Dean said happily. 

“I can’t believe Crowley put us in apartment rooms right next to each other.” Castiel said confused.

“That’s just because he wants me to keep an eye on you. I intend to do just that.” Dean said biting his lip.

“Dean we can’t. What was with that girl back there at the fight club?” Castiel asked accusingly.

“I’m a flirt. What do you mean we can’t?” Dean asked totally not pouting.

“Are you fucking other people?” Castiel’s temper snapped and he grabbed Dean by the lapels.

“No!” Dean replied, brushing Castiel’s hands off of him. “Now why can’t we?”

“Because people might hear or find out,” Castiel answered, anger withered and gone.

“Not if we keep quiet about it,” Dean said with a wink.

“Dean…” Castiel warned as Dean snaked his hand around his own waist.

“It’s your room. We can lock the door and say I’m helping you unpack.” Dean said, leaning in to kiss Castiel.

“We should unpack first then,” Castiel suggested weakly.

Dean kissed Castiel then, gently but passionately. He licked his way into Castiel’s mouth and when Castiel tried to push him away with little effort, he bit on Cas’ lip.

“We have to unpack,” Castiel whispered against Dean’s lips.

“Let’s start with your shirt,” Dean suggested.

Dean never stopped kissing Castiel as Cas took off his own jacket while Dean undid the shirt buttons.

“What about you?” Castiel asked quietly.

“You’re the one unpacking, not me.” Dean teased.

He moved to suck on Castiel’s neck, but Castiel shoved him off harshly. Dean thought he might be mad, but Castiel frantically threw off Dean’s t-shirt and tossed him on the bed.

“Woah, okay.” Dean said smiling.

Castiel licked his way up Dean’s abdomen, showering it with kisses and sucking and biting at random spots.

“You left before we could do this again. I practically killed Gabriel with my sexual frustration.” Castiel growled.

Castiel was sucking hard on Dean’s neck and letting his hands roam along Dean’s chest and arms. Dean ran his hands all over whatever parts of Castiel’s body Cas would let him. Castiel took his time adoring Dean with kisses until Dean couldn’t take it and he flipped them over so that he was on top. 

He kissed Castiel senseless. Angling their heads to deepen it and trying to express every moment of missing Castiel in that one kiss. It was passionate and long, but still too short. It was Dean’s turn to adore Castiel’s body, linking their hands together and squeezing hard. He knew it probably hurt a little, but he never wanted to let Castiel go ever again.

“Pants?” Dean questioned once he’d spent a good amount of time raking his hands and tongue all over Castiel’s upper half.

“Very constricting,” Castiel said breathily, making Dean smirk.

Dean kicked his shoes and socks off while Castiel did the same. Castiel finished first and spun Dean around before shoving him back on the bed to finish taking his pants off.

“You’re awfully eager for someone that was ready to fight this a while ago.” Dean teased.

“Then I saw you had lube in your pocket.” Castiel clarified.

“You saw this coming a mile away,” Dean said smiling.

“Who’s it for?” Castiel asked, and everything paused.

“What?” Dean asked confused.

“Who’s it for?” Castiel repeated, his tone was curious, not angry and that threw Dean off.

“Us…” Dean replied still confused.

“Yes, I know but which one?” Castiel asked. 

His head was tilted and his eyes squinted. Dean hadn’t really noticed how much he’d missed that expression that was so completely Cas.

“I was gonna ask if um… If you wanted to…” Dean muttered out. “I didn’t bring it up in case you didn’t really want to and I don’t know exactly how to ask it…”

“Ask what?” Castiel inquired.

“Well I’m kinda a ‘that back door’s an exit only’ kind of person and there are couples, so I hear, that don’t really do the whole… um… well anal thing…” Dean stumbled out.

“Oh,” Castiel said in realization. “You wanted to ask me if I would let you fuck me…”

“Well only if you want, obviously. I wasn’t actually gonna bring this up until later.” Dean explained.

“Have you ever done it?” Castiel asked curiously.

“No, I haven’t.” Dean replied awkwardly.

“I assume you’ve been on top then?” Castiel asked still curious.

“Yea, no. I haven’t really done more than a fuck-load of blowjobs and hand-jobs with a couple of guys before and girls aren’t exactly open to anal a lot of the time and if I’m being honest, anal with a girl is kinda weird because there’s already a place to… you know, put your stuff in and it takes less prep there so I haven’t really done it before…” Dean babbled.

“I’d be your first?” Castiel asked, a contented softness in his tone.

“Yea, I guess.” Dean replied awkwardly.

Castiel threw the packet of lube on the bed and jumped on with a smile. He laid down and pulled Dean on top of him with a kiss. They spent a few more minutes kissing and grinding each other, both of them achingly hard when Dean finally settled himself between Castiel’s legs and opened the packet.

“Are you sure about this?” Dean asked hesitantly.

Castiel smiled and pulled Dean in for another small kiss.

“Yes.”

Dean settled himself more comfortably between Castiel’s legs and took a deep breath.

“Are you absolutely-” Dean started.

“Just fuck me!” Castiel interrupted impatiently.

Dean nodded as he lubed up his index finger, hesitating slightly before rimming Castiel’s hole.

“You gotta relax a bit,” Dean breathed out.

Castiel nodded back and tried to relax as Dean poked a finger in, stretching Cas open slowly. Castiel moaned and Dean almost pulled his finger out.

“Are you okay?” He asked concerned.

“It feels uncomfortable but keep going.” Castiel replied a little haltingly.

Dean added more lube to his fingers before adding a second finger and scissoring Castiel open even wider. Castiel’s face was contorted in pain so Dean moved his fingers around searchingly.

“What are you doing?” Castiel asked, slightly uncomfortable.

“Just give me a sec.” Dean replied frustrated.

He crooked his fingers slightly and Castiel let out a loud moan that sent shivers down Dean’s spine.

“Found it,” Dean said proudly.

“What was that?” Castiel asked confused and in wonder.

“That, my friend, is the gay man’s G spot, also known as a prostate.” Dean smiled.

“More, Dean,” Castiel said impatiently squirming against Dean’s fingers and deepening them.

Dean chuckled a little but added a third finger. Soon Castiel was pleading for more, but Dean wanted to make certain it wouldn’t hurt too much and added a fourth finger.

“Dean just hurry up!” Castiel huffed.

Dean stroked at Castiel’s abandoned erection and brushed his fingers against Castiel’s prostate.

Castiel was overcome with ecstasy and came with a shout of Dean’s name, clenching his ass around Dean’s fingers tightly and letting cum fall all over his abdomen.

Dean licked at the cum before coming up to kiss Castiel on the mouth, allowing Castiel to taste himself on Dean’s tongue.

“Dean,” Castiel moaned with a vague motion towards Dean’s fingers.

“You okay?” Dean asked with a smile.

“Fuck me.” Castiel demanded.

“Yes, sir.” Dean replied, kissing Castiel on the lips briefly.

Dean removed his fingers and applied the rest of the lube on his own cock. He angled Castiel’s legs to bend around his waist and slowly pressed his dick into Cas’ tight hole.

“Ah fuck!” Dean exclaimed, trying to contain himself from pounding into Castiel’s ass hard.

Instead, he slipped in slowly with a loud groan, bending down to support himself with his arms on either side of Castiel. He slid in and out slowly, letting Castiel get accustomed to his size while kissing Castiel and capturing every small sound that escaped his lover’s lips.

Castiel started rocking back against Dean as an indication to go faster and Dean looped his right arm under Castiel’s shoulder and held Cas’ hips down with the other, hammering into Castiel with all the force he’d held back, leaving both of them screaming and shaking and begging for more.

Castiel was already hard again since Dean had fixed the angle to hit his prostate with every thrust. Their voices were hoarse but neither of them stopped screaming until Dean’s pace became erratic and with a loud shout, he was cumming inside of Castiel, the heat and feel of it driving Cas over the edge again.

Dean barely found the force to turn over so that he didn’t crush Castiel, but he slipped out and landed with a thump next to Castiel. Castiel looked completely spent and debauched next to Dean, but he had a tired smile on his face when he rolled his head to look at his lover. Dean couldn’t help but smile back and reach over to kiss that adorable smile.

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?” Dean asked teasingly.

“Double that,” Castiel replied with a beautiful, wide, toothy smile that Dean had never seen before.

“How do you feel?” Dean asked curiously.

“Empty, but fuller than I’ve felt in almost a year.” Castiel said sincerely. 

His eyes were doing that thing again. That thing where they looked straight into Dean’s soul through his eyes and adored him with a single look. This time Dean didn’t look away, he simply tried to return the favor with his own look. He left himself completely naked and open for Castiel, physically and emotionally.

Castiel was the first to look away. He stared at the ceiling thoughtfully for a minute.

“We should unpack my things,” he finally said.

“I’m not sure how comfortable bending down is gonna be for you right now so I’ll take care of it.” Dean said, already scooting out of the bed despite his still shaking legs.

“I can do it,” Castiel said stubbornly, but as soon as he tried to sit up he leaned back into the bed with pain.

“Shh, take a nap. You’ll feel better when you wake up, I promise.” Dean replied a little bit concerned.

“How do you know? You’ve never done this before.” Castiel grunted.

“I just know okay? Trust me.” Dean whispered, standing on his wobbly legs and waddling over to Castiel’s side of the bed to cover him.

Castiel wanted to refuse, but it wasn’t like he could actually move. Dean had taken everything out of him and left him raw, shaking, and completely open. He simply followed where Dean moved him to without too much movement and watched as Dean went to the bathroom for towels. He dampened them and cleaned the remaining cum from Castiel’s stomach before covering him completely and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

“You’re gonna have to shower later of course, but I’m gonna shower now.” Dean said, hands on his naked hips. “I gotta get cleaned up to meet up with Crowley and then my dad. I’m not sure how inconspicuous we were, we were pretty damn loud, but I gotta look presentable when I see Crowley at least.”

“Alright,” Castiel replied sleepily. Dean was really good at tucking people in. Castiel wondered if there was such a thing as a professional tucker-inner. Maybe that’s what a baby-sitter was.

He watched as Dean stepped into the bathroom with his clothing and heard when the shower turned on, but he fell asleep before Dean came out.

~

When Castiel woke up, his things were already unpacked and placed in an OCD like manner in the proper places. He turned to the bedside table and saw a note from Dean saying that he went to see Crowley but he’d be back later in the night to see if Castiel was ready to meet up with John and the others in the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first anal sex scene so I'm kinda fidgety about it. Hope you guys enjoyed it and I wish everyone luck on their finals!


	20. Secrets and Deans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean seems a bit off to Castiel...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been exactly a month since I last updated and I'm sorry, holidays got in the way.... Not a god excuse but it's true. Anyways I hope you guys enjoy it :D

“Get up, we gotta go.” Dean said as he entered Castiel’s apartment later in the night.

“Where are we going?” Castiel asked, concerned as he noticed something different with Dean.

“I can’t tell you exactly, but we’re going to see my dad.” Dean answered vaguely, still not looking at Cas and picking up a few things.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel asked as he tried to put a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean spun around and grabbed Castiel’s wrist, almost twisting it but catching himself and letting Castiel go.

“Nothing, okay? Just the sooner we take Crowley down, the better.” Dean replied, turning away and sitting down on a chair.

“Don’t shut me out, we said we wouldn’t do that.” Castiel said softly.

“That was a long time ago. I’m not shutting you out, we have better things to do. Stop wasting time.” Dean said gruffly.

“Dean…” Castiel said softly.

“Dammit Cas, are we ready to go yet? We have a small window of time here.” Dean cut him off sharply.

Castiel’s pride was bothered and he held back the urge to punch some answers out of Dean. Instead, he packed a blade in his coat and headed towards the door. 

Cas was about to make a snarky remark to Dean, but when he turned to see him, Dean was already sliding past him through the doorway.

The close feel of him and the scent of whiskey and gunpowder made him forget his anger, but Dean didn’t look back at him. 

~

After taking pains to not be followed, Dean took him to an abandoned house.

“Nice date spot,” Castiel teased.

“Don’t make comments like that here,” Dean said harshly.

Castiel was getting sick of Dean’s tone.

“What am I allowed to comment then? Everything I say annoys you and I don’t know why!” Castiel yelled.

“Don’t make a big thing about it. I’ve gotta focus on what I’ve been doing for the past year and I can’t let distractions get in the way.” Dean said, his tone was angry but calm.

Castiel was unnerved.

They walked in silence, Dean leading the way to a room with light coming out from under the door.

“Fearless Leader here. I brought company.” Dean announced at the door.

The door opened and immediately Castiel had three guns pointed at his face.

“Who is he?” a gruff voice asked.

“Let them in.” A familiar voice said, deeper in the room.

After some grumbling, Castiel was allowed inside. Dean strided over to the far end of the room and whispered something into John Winchester’s ear. Castiel’s eyes grew wide at seeing Dean’s father sitting comfortably on a chair in a room full of armored men.

“Everybody calm down.” John spoke, his voice cutting through the noise like glass.

“This here is Castiel, he’s gonna help.” Dean explained, the whole room going silent. “He’s a member of Crowley’s security team and he’ll be able to keep a constant watch on him for us.”

“How do we know we can trust him?” someone asked uncertain.

“Are you questioning my judgment?” Dean asked, a quiet rage hidden in his words.

“No, of course not. I was just wondering if you checked him thoroughly.” The same man asked shakily.

“Of course he did.” John Winchester interjected.

“Who is he then?” another man asked.

“He’s reliable, leave it at that.” Dean said angrily.

There was still some bickering after that, but John Winchester pounded his fist harshly on a table and everybody left it at that.

~

“I hadn’t known what you’d been actually doing this whole time.” Castiel said once they got back to his assigned apartment.

“Yea, I’ve been keeping busy.” Dean said, his tone was still guarded but he sounded more like himself.

“Your father certainly seems to be able to keep everyone under control.” Castiel observed the way Dean’s hands tensed slightly and his shoulders straightened.

“Yea, he’s got a way of getting people to fall into a line they didn’t even know was there.” Dean replied a little gruffly.

“Are you alright?” Castiel asked, still concerned about how Dean was feeling despite knowing that Dean wouldn’t want to talk about it.

Dean surprised him.

“I’m better now that you’re here actually.” Dean said whole-heartedly, his body visibly deflating as he stepped closer to Castiel.

“Dean, I’m not having sex with you after being such a dick to me.” Castiel warned slightly annoyed.

Dean’s face didn’t fall, but there was some kind of disappointment in his eyes. Not about the intercourse, but something else.

“Yea, I know. I just can’t show any weaknesses to those guys.” Dean tried explaining. “They all gave up their hearts for an extra liver if you get what I’m saying. They all lost something and if I show any weakness, I can’t know for sure that they won’t exploit it. That they won’t exploit you.”

Castiel stared at Dean in amazement. Even through being such an asshole, Dean still was protecting Castiel.

“I can take care of myself, Dean.” He offered.

“I’d just be more comfortable knowing that you don’t need to.” Dean replied.

Castiel couldn’t help the urge to kiss Dean, so he closed the foot of space between them and kissed Dean hard, smashing their lips together and earning and ‘unff’ from a startled Dean.

It was quick and Castiel had only intended one kiss, but finally seeing a small quirk of Dean’s lips that night made him give Dean another chaste peck on his lips before setting back into his own space.

“I gotta get in my two hours tonight but I’ll see you later.” Dean said turning to the door. “Sorry for being a dick, I’ll try to make it up to you later but you also gotta know that this isn’t the only time it’s gonna happen. More likely than not I’m gonna be behaving different. A lot of things happen in a year, and I can’t promise I’m the same person that left you a year ago.”

“Will you tell me what you’ve done this past year?” Castiel asked genuinely curious and worried.

“No. I won’t.” Dean responded before opening the door and leaving.

Castiel sighed to himself. During the meeting, he couldn’t help but notice how much like John Winchester Dean’s actions and tones were. He demanded the same respect and was ruthless when it came to addressing certain topics that made even Castiel’s skin crawl. 

_Fearless Leader_ was what they had called Dean. Nobody seemed to have a right to call him Dean, except maybe John but he was too busy setting up blueprints to properly address his own son. Maybe no one dared. 

Something about seeing Dean in such a position and with such ferocity and power made Castiel want to break. He realized that maybe Dean had given up too much to ever be the same person that Castiel had fallen in love with, but Dean was still Dean. His heart still in the right place. Castiel loved that and was going to hold onto that like a lifeline. 

~

Crowley had been running Castiel hard, treating him more like a servant than a bodyguard. 

“I don’t need protection from all of you, you empty-headed morons! Castiel, make yourself useful and pass me the BLOODY PAPERS I ASKED FOR TEN MINUTES AGO!” 

Needless to say, Castiel’s patience was long past thin and if it wasn’t for the assurances from the other bodyguards and the knowledge that following Crowley could help Dean get back to his home soon, Castiel was sure that he would’ve just killed the man already.

“You can’t kill him.” Dean warned after Castiel had told Dean how he felt. “If you kill him without taking everything down then someone will just come along and fill his spot. Not to mention there’s no way I’ll be able to hide everything we’ve already been able to get rid of from someone new that most likely won’t trust me as much as Crowley does. Granted, Crowley doesn’t trust anyone, but I’ve managed to earn a little leeway with him.”

“Dean, he bosses me around like I’m a fumbling PA instead of a skilled fighter that can undoubtedly kill him easily.” Castiel replied frustrated.

“Hey! You’re not killing anybody and that’s the last I’m gonna hear about it.” Dean yelled abruptly.

Castiel couldn’t do more than glare and leave so that’s what he did.

~

“Why do you take pleasure in torturing the one bodyguard I was allowed to pick for you?” Dean asked, storming into Crowley’s office.

“Has Castiel been complaining about me?” Crowley asked amused.

“No, but I hear from the other guys that you run him around chasing coffee and useless papers.” Dean said with a frown.

“I can’t let one of my best bodyguard have an ego, I’m just breaking it down a bit. Why do you care?” Crowley answered suspiciously.

“I don’t care. I was offended.” Dean clarified, expression completely serious. “I didn’t go to the fight clubs and get punched at for two days just so you could treat the bodyguard that you asked for like some kind of personal assistant.”

“It doesn’t concern you how I treat my bodyguards. You’re here to do whatever bloody job I give you to do.” Crowley retorted easily.

Dean pursed his lips, ready to say something.

“Are you getting too close to this Castiel?” Crowley asked with a grin. “I heard you two made quite the noise when you were helping him move into his apartment. I would like to think it was a one-time thing, but you are getting quite attached to him. Perhaps I should move him then.”

Dean scoffed. “Crowley, you know I sleep around. I’m not gonna be endangering my job for a one-night stand, otherwise I wouldn’t have told you about Marco and him embezzling money out of your accounts. I do, however, care about people respecting me and you treating the guy I got you like dirt, well that makes me look bad.”

Crowley looked at Dean for a while, assessing him and figuring out if Dean was telling the truth.

“Are we done here or are you just gonna keep staring at me like I’m Bieber and you’re a teenaged girl?” Dean snarked.

“You can leave.” Crowley said, not yet done assessing his most skilled assassin, but planning what to do next with him as he left.

~

“Dean, Crowley gave me the day off.” Castiel informed him the next day. “Would you like to spend it with me? I know things have to be kept low-profile, but you don’t have to go on your next job until tonight.”

“No, Cas.” Dean said sternly.

“Dean, please talk to me. We haven’t had a proper conversation in a while.” Castiel tried.

“I have to take an earlier flight and I have to pack.” Dean ignored the statement. “I can’t be seen with you too much right now, I’m taking Demi with me on my next job and I gotta see if she’s ready.”

“Who’s Demi?” Castiel asked, his stomach turning over in jealousy.

“She’s leggy and she’ll help lure our target out in the open. She’s necessary.” Dean replied easily.

“Is she helping lure other things out for you?” Castiel asked, schooling his face to one of curiosity despite his tone being upset.

“What?” Dean paused. “Oh… No.”

Dean wasn’t looking straight at Cas so Castiel turned him to look at him harshly.

“What?” Dean asked as he pushed Castiel’s arm away from him.

“Have you slept with her?” Castiel asked hotly.

“Yes. Okay? I slept with her and a few others this past year.” Dean’s tone was harsh but his eyes were conflicted as he tried to keep a stern face.

Castiel felt like he’d been beaten senseless and all that was left was this feeling of being completely numb. His body rocked forward slightly but his face turned emotionless despite his feeling sick.

Dean didn’t say anything else, leaving Castiel’s apartment without a goodbye.

~

“Castiel.”

A deep older voice woke him from his sleep.

“Castiel I need to talk with you.”

It was John Winchester. 

Wait.

“What are you doing here?” Castiel asked startled as his eyes shot open and he moved back against the headboard.

“I just told you. We need to talk.” John’s voice was still prickling with needles, but there was nothing hostile in it.

“What about?” Castiel asked as he sat up from the bed, rising to position himself in a more comfortable position to talk to the older man.

“Dean.” John replied simply.

“What about him?” Castiel asked frustrated, still upset over the discussion earlier in the day.

“What did you say to him before he left?” John asked, his tone was dangerously curious.

“I asked him to spend the day with me.” Castiel answered.

“Is that all? What did he say to you?” John was obviously pissed about something but so was Castiel and he wasn’t going to take shit from anyone, least of all, Dean’s father.

“He told me he sleeps around with anything that moves and then he left!” Castiel said angrily.

“Did you tell him anything?” John asked, obviously frustrated with Cas but Castiel wasn’t having any of this.

“No, as a matter of fact, I didn’t. He just left after that. He acted as though he had a right to be upset with me and then he fucking left.” Castiel answered, standing up and heading towards the door.

“I see.” John said pensively.

“That’s great because I don’t! Could you leave now?” Castiel said as he opened the door, but just as he’d turned to glare at John, his room was empty with an open window.

~

Dean came back a week later. A hot, leggy blonde with brown eyes and boobs pushed up nearly to her chin walked into his apartment with him. Castiel assumed this to be Demi.

The walls weren’t exactly thin, but Castiel could still make out muffled giggling from a woman and Dean’s deep voice making light conversation.

Castiel felt sick, he couldn’t hear what was happening in the next apartment without feeling bad, but he couldn’t stop listening. He crept next to the wall and could hear them through a hole that Dean had made to send notes through. He decided he might as well see.

“So our trip was amazing! The hotel was so great! Oh, I can’t believe how much effort you were putting. I always figured you to be submissive but you really took the reins didn’t you?” Demi said. 

She was sitting on Dean’s couch comfortably like she had been there before. The thought wrapped itself around Castiel’s middle and squeezed. She was wearing a small red dress that hardly concealed anything, having no straps and barely covering her butt.

For the first time since Castiel found Dean again, Dean hummed. Dean was pouring something from a bottle into some champagne glasses and sat closely to the woman after handing her a drink.

“First of all: it wasn’t a trip or a vacation. It’s the job. Secondly: I can’t believe I had to! You were just being so compliant and somebody had to do something. I swear you’ve never been so lazy!” Dean was smiling now, something in Castiel broke and he had to turn away.

“I always do all the work and since you were there I just thought maybe mister sub would like a chance to be a dom.” Her voice was suggestive and Castiel felt like punching his fist through the wall and break it down to strangle her to death.

“Aww c’mon. I know what I’m comfortable with okay? I’ve done this so many times with so many people that I can’t think of anything I haven’t tried.” There was a smile and a chuckle in Dean’s voice, wrapping around Castiel’s lungs and forcing the breath out of them, making it hard to breathe.

He didn’t care about breath, he wanted to see Dean.

Dean had let his hand drape comfortably across the back of the couch around her and she had her fingers tracing circles in his lap.

“I’d love to show you something new. Something nasty, messy and dirty.” Her voice was getting lower and Dean visibly swallowed but his eyes were level with hers.

She crossed her one leg over the other, making it drape in front of Dean’s knees.

“I know every trick in the book. I learned them the hard way.” Dean’s tone was dark, not dirty or suggestive as Castiel had expected.

“I know, baby.” She soothed. One of her hands was still on his thigh but the other was soothing circles flat on his chest. 

Castiel held his breath for a kiss but she dipped her head down to rest her head next to her hand on his chest and closed her eyes. She grabbed for his hand and he gave it to her willingly and she played with their fingers for a while as they sat in silence.

“You want help unpacking your things?” Dean asked, breaking the silence.

“Thanks hon, but I think I’ll do it on my own. Never know what I might end up misplacing if I let Mr. OCD in my apartment. I’ll see you later though.” She answered as she stood up and untangled herself from him.

Dean stood up with her and walked with her to the door, out of Castiel’s easy view but he forced his face through the hole as much as possible.

Okay it was a humiliating thing to do but his boyfriend (were they still together?) was with someone else, cuddling on the couch and lacing fingers.

“Right, well I’ll get to you yet.” Dean teased. 

The door was open now and she gave him a quick peck on the lips before leaving, Dean watching her go all the way to the elevator before closing his door and heading back into the apartment.

Castiel retreated from the hole to avoid being seen, but he could still hear Dean sigh. He heard a thump against the wall as Dean leant on it, letting his weight fall.

“Jesus, I screw everything up. Why do I have to fuck up? Dammit!” Dean had been muttering to himself and Castiel wouldn’t have heard it if he weren’t right next to the hole, but the last word was yelled angrily and Cas heard the crashing of glass against something hard, most likely the other wall.

Castiel decided to wait to see Dean. Dean would come if he wanted to or if he needed comfort… wouldn’t he?

~

Later in the night Castiel was walking from his bedroom to the bathroom when he noticed that Dean had slipped a piece of paper through the hole.

_We got a meeting at midnight so get ready, I’ll be coming over to take you to the new location._

It was already fifteen past eleven and Castiel was in his pajamas. He figured he didn’t need a shower but he needed some pants and shoes so he slipped them on as quickly as possible. There wasn’t much left to do so Castiel decided to look through the little hole. 

There were two people Castiel didn’t recognize in Dean’s living room, a man and a woman.

“So don’t break anything but get about as wild as you want. Don’t do anything until five minutes after I’m gone and I was with you guys the whole night, okay?” Dean said with a toothbrush in his hand.

“Sure thing, but what if things get loud?” The man asked.

“Then say I was good.” Dean winked at him and leant over to kiss him.

It made Castiel unbelievably uncomfortable and it was worse when he saw that Dean had kissed him thoroughly as if to prove his point. None of it made any sense.

“Alright, I’ll be back later. Maybe I’ll get to prove how good I really am.” This time, Dean’s wink was intended for the woman. 

They were an attractive couple and the woman’s clothing already revealed that she had a sort of complicated lingerie underneath. Dean gave them a smile before he headed to his room, Castiel already knowing that he was going out the window to pick him up.

Dean hopped into Castiel’s apartment with ease and had a hard, expectant look on his face as if to ask if Castiel was ready yet as though he’d been keeping Dean ready.

Castiel was tempted to ask Dean about the situation in the next apartment but remembered that he’d decided to avoid necessary communication with Dean and that spying on someone through the hole in the wall wasn’t exactly a normal thing for a person to do.

~

After the meeting (which had gone pretty smoothly, Crowley’s businesses were being knocked down one by one as easily as kicking a pile of leaves), Castiel considered letting Dean into his apartment but decided against it and locked the window behind himself.

Dean didn’t attempt to enter though, instead heading straight into his bedroom. Castiel was dead tired, but his curiosity won him over and he reluctantly leaned his back against the wall next to the hole.

“Hey guys! So how was I?” Dean said cheerily.

“Oh wow, you are amazing. I can’t believe we didn’t do this sooner!” the woman offered.

“What do you say we go again?” a man’s voice said.

The noises were muffled because they were in a different room but Cas figured that Dean might be making out with them both during the silence. Then he heard a deep moan. Castiel was left unsure of whether it had been Dean or not but it made him uncomfortable and he figured he didn’t need to hear the rest and went to sleep.

Later though, just as Castiel was sleeping, he was awoken by the sound of a banging door and went to answer it.

He opened it but they had been knocking on Dean’s door and Castiel saw how wrecked he looked with only a bathrobe and his hair out of place. It turned him on and infuriated him at the same time.

“Could you keep it down? None of us can sleep through your sex noises! It’s been like this all night, I thought you might’ve stopped for a while but you’re insatiable aren’t you? You must have one hell of a libido!” The man that had knocked told Dean.

“Wanna join in buddy? I’m sure we could fit you someplace.” Dean offered with a wink.

The other man groaned when he saw the couple inside and tossed his hands up as he walked away. He gave Castiel a sympathetic look as he walked past him.

Dean looked at Castiel with sad eyes, but his expression hardened so quickly that Castiel almost missed them. Dean nodded curtly to Castiel before closing the door.

~

There were grumblings the next day about noise in the building, but Crowley seemed pleased. Later in the day he sent Castiel and Dean off on an errand to bring someone back to him. Dean had explained that it wasn’t what he did and Crowley made a remark about Dean spilling too much blood lately. Castiel had to agree with Crowley, Dean seemed to be drowning in it.

“Sorry about last night, I know it was loud.” Dean apologized, though his face was still set to business, he risked looking at Castiel with softness in his eyes he knew Castiel would be able to read. 

“The noise wasn’t what bothered me.” Castiel replied equally serious.

Dean looked frustrated, searching around cautiously before pulling Castiel to a small alley where they wouldn’t be seen.

“Cas I’m so fucking sorry. I have to.” Dean’s voice was open and broken like he’d been holding it all in for so long.

“Dean,” Castiel tried to stay angry but his resolve was breaking.

“Don’t forgive me. Don’t. I’m dirt and not good enough for you but everything that happened yesterday, it had to. I can’t explain but you have to know I still-” Dean cut himself off.

It was strange for Castiel to see Dean’s struggle. It was as though there were two different Dean’s in one body, sharing one mind. The cold, hard Dean that was needed to survive, and then the Dean that Castiel had gotten to know and spend time with. The Dean that was still fighting to stay alive despite everything tearing him apart.

Half of Dean was dead and ready to give into the cold darkness of its fate, the other half struggling to breathe and reach the light warmth in the world being snatched away from him.

After some struggle, Dean’s face shut off completely. As still as a robot for a few seconds before blinking at Castiel.

“We have to go now, I think Crowley has been having me followed for some time now.” Dean said coldly. 

It was like hearing his favorite song only to have it abruptly cut off to be replaced with insanely high-pitched yelling that pierced through the air like glass (Thanks Gabriel, worst birthday present ever).

Dean was at least fighting to stay the same, proving that Castiel could still have hope.

Dean was still sleeping around and shutting Castiel out while he turned into his father, but Castiel couldn’t help but think that maybe they might be happy again, even if it didn’t seem possible after everything, Castiel had always been a dreamer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know it's angsty but umm I have a plan don't worry :D


	21. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel can finally go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been slow on the update, I've been pretty distracted lately.

Dean had been acting more and more distant with Castiel, but there were moments when he would give him a look that was the old Dean and Cas couldn’t help hold on to those few moments. Sometimes he was sure he was imagining them, something he would imagine to comfort himself to fool himself into thinking that Dean wasn’t gone forever. It all climaxed for them at a meeting with John Winchester and their small group.

“Dean, I think it’s time we call everyone in to finish what we started here.” John Winchester said before the meeting.

“I know. I already did.” Dean said without looking up from his papers.

“You didn’t talk to me first?” John asked seriously.

“Didn’t know I had to. This is my operation after all and I’m the one that gets to say when it’s over.” Dean replied carelessly as he turned over a page before the others got there.

John didn’t reply and soon everyone else came in, some of the usual faces, but a few new ones. Someone brought a laptop and set a video feed up while Castiel arranged some extra chairs.

“Dean.” A familiar voice said calmly, forcing Castiel to turn around and find his eldest brother with a rare grin on his face as he gave Dean a hug.

“Hey, Michael.” Dean said patting his back. “It’s been a while.”

“Yes it has.” Michael responded, still smiling. “It’s great to see you again, hopefully after this is all over we can still keep in touch and through more than just secret coded messages.”

“Yea, sure.” Dean replied easily, giving Michael a half-smile before pointing to sit down.

Castiel was left bewildered. Michael was still staring after Dean with a fond expression that unnerved him.

“Michael, what are you doing here?” Castiel asked, still shocked.

“I’m helping Dean Winchester take down our brother’s corrupt organization of drugs and lust.” Michael replied as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“He called you?” Castiel asked, slightly offended.

“He knows how I felt about Lucian and he called me asking for help and when I agreed, he sent me undercover.” Michael responded calmly.

“Oh.” Castiel was officially offended.

Once everyone had sat down, Dean turned on the laptop to reveal a blurred screen. 

“Guys, this is our tech support.” He informed everyone. “They’d prefer to remain anonymous in case things go south, which they won’t but hey, no such thing as being too cautious, right? Anyways, if you have any questions, then I’m sure they’d be happy to answer.”

“Well umm, what’s your name?” someone asked.

“Really, Tod? That’s your question?” Dean asked boredly.

“It’s alright, Dean. My name is Charlie.” A deep gurgled voice responded from the laptop.

“Cool, thanks.” Tod replied.

The meeting was long and everyone had different questions. Dean answered all of them as best he could, dismissing the questions that he considered unimportant. It lasted around three hours before they took a break.

“Dean, what is Michael doing here?” Castiel asked, infuriated.

“He’s helping, like you’re supposed to be doing. Anything else?” Dean answered coldly.

“Yes, actually. How about you ‘stow your crap’ for once and listen to the others.” Castiel replied.

“You can’t talk to me like that.” Dean answered back harshly.

“Why the hell not?” Castiel asked staring straight into Dean’s eyes.

“Cas, I swear to God-” Dean started.

“Oh, so now there’s a God? I’ve been patient with you Dean, but you have pushed my last button.” Castiel interrupted.

“What the hell is this even about? Cas, I haven’t treated you any differently from anybody else in this room.” Dean replied confused to the outburst.

“So you’ve just fucked everyone in here then? That’s a good thing to know.” Castiel bit out.

Dean closed his eyes tightly as he let his head drop.

“I’m sorry, you fucked this guy?” Someone asked.

“Back off, Jerry. Okay? Like you aren’t screwing Pete?” Dean replied frustrated.

There were murmurs and things were spiraling out of control.

“Alright, everyone shut up for a second!” Dean shouted loudly above the noise.

The noise died down quickly. 

“For all you interested parties,” Dean started. “I did fuck Castiel. It’s a mistake I only made once when he first got here and I haven’t made it again. Now let me ask you guys: have I’ve treated him any differently? No. Anybody got a problem with what happened? I don’t need to explain myself to any of you. We are here to talk about taking down one of the most complicated and corrupt organizations in the whole world. If I say ‘back off’, then you back off. So… Back off. Now are we gonna finish over a years-worth of planning and hard work, or are we gonna throw it all away because somebody’s feelings are hurt over not getting called back?”

John Winchester observed his son before breaking the silence that had fallen.

“We gotta wrap this up now while we have the chance, it doesn’t matter who sleeps with who. What matters right now is finishing the job, right?” He said.

There were a few more murmurs before someone else spoke up.

“What’s next, Fearless Leader?”

~

After the meeting, most left to return to their jobs immediately now that they were all almost done, the only ones that remained were John, Dean, Castiel, and Michael.

Michael was helping Dean clean up the chairs to remove any trace of anything happening there while John cleared the papers and packed them into his file-case. Castiel was the only one there that wasn’t doing anything.

“Look, you know I don’t treat Cas any differently right?” Dean told Michael while they cleaned up.

“Yes, I notice that you treat him the same as you treat the others.” Michael replied calmly as he carried two more chairs to the back of a truck.

“They know that too, right?” Dean asked.

“Yes, but I think they find it strange that you would have slept with any of them. You brought Castiel to help but if you look at things through their perspective, then it might make them cautious of him.” Michael offered easily, continuing when Dean set his listening face. “You told them it happened when he first joined and he holds a very close position to Crowley himself. He never interacts with anyone aside from you and it turns out that you slept with him and never let it become more than a one-night stand, possibly hurting his pride but letting him into this small group nonetheless. It doesn’t paint a nice picture, for either of you.”

“I know you’re right but I can’t do anything about it, can I?” Dean said shaking his head.

“Maybe you can try talking to my brother.” Michael answered. “He feels hurt and abandoned. You treating him no different than the strangers around him while he’s given you what he at least considers to be everything is not the best idea. Did you explain to Castiel what has been happening? Have you sat down and talked more than a few words to him since you met up in the fighting rings?”

“Dammit,” Dean replied, letting his head fall back. “You know I’m not good at this. Why don’t you talk to him?”

“It’s not my sin to ask for forgiveness and seek absolution for.” Michael replied calmly.

“Alright, thanks for the God-advice ‘Sandals’,” Dean replied with a chuckle while he shook his head.

Michael smiled back at him. “Talk to him now where no one can see or hear, I’ll talk to your father.”

Dean nodded and approached Castiel who was currently with his head in his hands.

“You look tired,” Dean said lightly.

“The compliments keep coming, thank you Dean.” Castiel replied bitterly as he looked up to see Dean with his tired eyes.

“Cas, I’m sorry.” Dean apologized. “I told you I couldn’t let them know about what happened and you didn’t just say it in front of a few people, no. You said it in front of everyone while I needed to get them to hear me and focus on finishing all of this so I can go back home to Sam.”

“That’s a hell of an apology.” Castiel said nodding his head away from Dean.

“You know what, Cas? I can’t worry about your feelings right now, I got other people to worry about right now. I was so happy when I saw you and I thought we could figure this out but you made me vulnerable. I started getting followed by Crowley’s men, it gets harder and harder to get away every time and I want you to know that I still care about you but there’s nothing I can do without giving it away to everyone. I’m sorry it cost you your pride and I know it hurt but I didn’t mean it and I had to say it because you almost cost me the entire operation that I’ve been working on for over a fucking year.”

Castiel looked down and shook his head.

“I miss Sam, I can’t contact him without putting him in danger. I’ve lost myself with every day that passes by and I know I’ve lost you but I can’t do anything about it now. Whatever messed up relationship this is, well it’s just a weakness for me and somebody’s gonna use it against me so how about we both just ‘stow our crap’ huh?” Dean tried to explain, though he was never great with expressing himself.

“You losing me wasn’t my fault.” Castiel finally answered. “You lied to me and you slept around and made me feel stupid and used. You are so cold and dead inside, sometimes I think it would be easier to just kill you but then you give me an ounce of your attention and I just can’t help but give into you again. I saw you talking with Michael today and it hurts that you didn’t tell me. You didn’t even tell me that you knew he was alive and it turns out you’ve been working with him for quite some time. I can’t stand to be around you right now because you’re in one of your moments of apology and sadness, which you suck at, and I know I’m still gonna give in. I need you to leave me alone.”

“Cas, please.” Dean looked at him, pleading for Castiel’s forgiveness. “I never slept with anyone else. I couldn’t.”

“What?” Castiel asked, staring at Dean, staring into his eyes to find the lie hidden in them. 

“I paid off a few hookers to make a big show of themselves with a lot of moaning and I banged at the walls a few times.” Dean started to explain.

“I saw you, with Demi and then with a couple in your apartment after that.” Castiel couldn’t find the lie in Dean’s eyes but he kept searching.

Dean chuckled a bit. “Demi’s a good friend. She’s also a closeted lesbian with absolutely no interest in me. As for the couple that night, it might’ve been one of the couples I let have sex there sometimes. They make the noise that convinces everyone else and I sneak out.”

“I heard you talking with Demi about being a ‘sub’ or a ‘dom’.” Castiel replied frustrated.

Dean scoffed a little and nodded his head. “We were talking about the job we’d just done. Apparently she wasn’t the target’s type, she was too compliant and well, a female, so I had to step in and take her place. I know how to auction myself off pretty well, especially to white collar targets so we were talking about that. She’s also the kind of person that likes to make things sound dirty and honestly it’s hard to have a conversation with her sometimes.”

“What about the intimacy between you two? You drank champagne and she practically wrapped herself around you.” Castiel’s tone was impatient but he was willing to listen, still not glancing away from Dean, ready to read any indication that he might be lying.

“Did you put a camera in my apartment?” Dean asked teasing but Castiel caught a flash of suspicious in Dean’s perfect green eyes. 

_Where’d that come from? Oh yea, he’s in love with the bipolar bastard._

“No.” Castiel replied simply, waiting for Dean to answer his last question.

“Demi doesn’t get a lot of string-free intimacy as a hot woman and an assassin that usually has to sell herself.” Dean explained. “I need the intimate touching so I don’t kill everyone that just taps me on the shoulder and she needs the comfort. We’ve never done more than the occasional cuddling on the couch and as for the champagne, she doesn’t drink. I served cider. I have bottles in my apartment if you want evidence. She likes to keep a clear head since she’s almost always working. She’s been sober for the past six years.”

It still bothered Castiel, but at least nothing serious was happening. “I saw you with the couple. You were… disheveled to say the least. You kissed at least one of them.”

“Yea, I do that sometimes. I get couples for a reason though, I can pretty much make them think we’ve had a threesome while mostly they’ve been getting off on each other. Making out with them is a way to ensure that they’re pretty fooled. It doesn’t hurt that I tend to add some drugs in the drinks so that they’re a bit… you know… forgetful and off.” Dean answered a little guiltily, but Castiel could tell he was still telling the truth.

“You drug them?” Castiel asked accusingly.

“Hey, it’s either that or catch a venereal disease from one of them.” Dean replied with a smirk.

“But you kiss them. You let them touch you.” Castiel said a little softly.

Dean sighed. “Cas, I know that it’s wrong but Crowley had to see me with someone or he would’ve suspected something. I got a few girls to say they’d slept with me because apparently they were all for telling their friends that with permission. Flattering, by the way. Eventually though, things got out of hand and soon I had a lot of people saying they’d slept with me and Crowley got the idea that I’m some playboy that sleeps around and I had to do something to keep up the ruse.”

“You told me you slept with them. Why?” Castiel inquired.

“I told you hadn’t slept with anyone when you first asked, remember?” Dean replied.

Castiel nodded for Dean to continue.

“Well I went to talk to Crowley after we ‘unpacked’,” Dean paused to wink. “We made a lot of noise and he was concerned about you being Lucian’s brother. He talked to me and said he didn’t want it to happen again so I told him it wouldn’t but, Crowley being a paranoid sonofabitch, he’s been having me followed since and I had to tell you something else because, no offense but you’re a terrible liar and he would’ve found out eventually. If this weren’t all ending within the week, I wouldn’t be telling you any of this but I swear I never slept with anyone else.”

Castiel took in everything that Dean had said, processing it without taking his eyes away from Dean’s.

“Do you believe me?” Dean asked nervously.

After a long pause he replied, “I believe you.”

Dean smiled at him broadly, his face looking so much younger than it had earlier when he’d been ordering everyone around.

“Dean, a word?” John asked.

“What is it?” Dean asked back.

“You can’t get attached to Castiel again.” John said briefly.

“What, do I need a permission slip? I’ll get close to whoever the hell I want.” Dean replied perturbed.

“Dean,” John warned. “Now is not the time to show them you have weaknesses. The men need to see you strong and you starting to have a lover’s quarrel in the middle of a meeting is not only unprofessional, but it’s also unbelievably reckless.” 

“I wasn’t the one that started that fight, you know that.” Dean defended.

“Then learn to keep your boyfriend under control.” John bit out before leaving.

~

A week later, Dean and his small group of helpers had finally taken down Crowley’s network. Crowley had left, unsuspecting of Dean and finally, after a year and a half, Dean could finally see Sam again.

“Heya, Sammy.” Dean said, walking in through the door of Gabriel’s apartment.

“Dean? Oh my God, Dean!” Sam replied completely shell-shocked, barely registering what was in front of him as he got up to hold his brother tightly.

“Good to see you too.” Dean wheezed out, Sammy practically strangling Dean.

“You asshole! You practically _swore_ two months!” Sam reprimanded. “Do you have any idea how long it’s been? Do you have any idea what it was like after Cas went after you and I was left here alone to deal with Gabriel? Oh, God. Dean, where’s Cas? Did he find you? Dean, Cas went looking for you and I don’t know where he went.”

Sam was practically hyperventilating by now, Dean trying to tell Sam that Cas was just getting take-out for dinner while he tried to prevent his little brother from having a heart attack.

It was nice to be back to his girly little bro’s dramas again.

“Sam, Cas is okay.” Dean finally managed to catch Sam’s attention by slapping him across the face.

“He found you?” Sam asked, his breath finally calming down.

“He practically got himself killed because he’s a moron, but yea we found each other.” Dean replied fondly.

“You guys are just like a Disney movie. You’re both idiots but you manage to meet in the middle.” Sam responded a little dreamily, teasing at his brother.

God, Sam had really missed being the younger sibling to an annoyingly anal older brother. (hehe anal in more than one way, probably. Oh fuck, mental images, damn you Gabriel.)

Dean couldn’t argue with Sam, not now. After being overly respected with the weight of the world practically on his shoulders, Dean just needed the banter that came with being a big brother.

“Quit being a little bitch and show me what poisons Gabriel keeps in his cabinets.” Dean said with a shove to Sam’s arm.

It was like coming back to life just to be there making mindless conversation with his Sammy again.

“None.” Sam said with a smirk.

_What the fuck?_

“What the fuck?” Dean asked, feeling like he’d been on a train and suddenly the track had run out without warning.

“Well you and Cas were gone for a while and I didn’t notice anything wrong with Gabe until I realized he’d gained 20 pounds three months after Cas left, so I started him on a healthy diet and an exercise routine.” Sam proudly informed his brother whose eyes couldn’t be stretching farther out of their sockets if they tried.

“Oh my God, Sam! You ruined the Candy-Man!” Dean yelled accusatorially.

“I’m on board with that,” Castiel interrupted, closing the door which Dean had left open behind himself.

“Cas!” Sam smiled brightly.

“Hello Sam, it’s good to see you again.” Cas replied with a small smile.

Castiel moved forward to hug Sam but Sam sat back down in his chair, leaving Castiel to awkwardly drop his half out-stretched arms.

“Yea. Sorry, you know I would but it would be kinda…” Sam muttered apologetically.

“Awkward. Of course.” Castiel replied stiffly.

Dean watched them with squinted eyes.

“Yea, nothing could’ve been more awkward than that rejected hug, okay Sam?” He scoffed, shaking his head at his little brother.

Sam just looked around uncomfortably and Castiel did the same.

“Am I missing something?” Dean asked, eyes searching between Sam and Cas.

Sam just cleared his throat and avoided Dean’s gaze with Castiel looked anywhere but Dean’s face.

“Sam and I, before I left, had a ‘falling out’ as some would say. We lost our tempers, I had hoped it would be left in the past but, as you can tell, some awkwardness remains.” Castiel explained a little vaguely.

“Well it turns out Castiel is only a patient person when you’re around. Without you, he’s a time bomb waiting to go off at any second.” There was bitterness in Sam’s voice.

Before Castiel could respond, Dean stepped easily into the space between them.

“Okay, let’s calm down. Sam, now’s not the time to be starting anything, and Cas, patience is a virtue, remember?” He teased.

“I’m not your pet to be reprimanded over not getting along with your family members.” Castiel replied spitefully.

“No, of course not, but it might be a good idea to set the arguments aside, at least just for now.” Dean offered, lifting his arms in surrender.

Sam and Castiel proclaimed a truce just as Gabriel came in.

“Oh, hey guys. Didn’t know you were coming back.” Gabriel said easily as he munched on…

God is dead.

“Is that a fiber bar?!” Dean yelled dramatically.

“Looks like someone’s competing to be the biggest drama queen in the states.” Gabriel joked easily as he took another bite out of his fiber bar.

“You’ve betrayed me.” Dean looked personally offended, turning away from Gabriel to glare at Sam.

“Woah, I didn’t know you were on the bleachers for me, otherwise I would have told you I’ve already got myself a cheerleader.” Gabriel replied with an eye-brow wiggle.

Dean rolled his eyes at Gabe, “alright, I’ll bite. Who’s the unlucky man?” 

“Buzz off, it’s not important right now.” Gabriel cut in, changing the subject. “So how much wild monkey sex did you two have while you were away?”

Obviously the wrong topic to bring up because now Castiel was glaring daggers at him and Dean’s lips were moving uncertainly.

“You two boneheads broke up, didn’t you?” His tone was frustrated and there was little humor in Gabriel’s expression.

“You can’t break up with someone you were never with.” Castiel scoffed.

Dean visibly sighed, his eyes glued to the floor.

“Wait, but I thought you guys got together before Dean left.” Sam said curiously.

“We fooled around together and went on a date, nothing more.” Castiel’s tone was back to emotionless and guarded.

“No, there was definitely more!” Sam’s disbelief seeped anger into his words. “Dean, you gave Castiel a room in our house. You offered him your home! I know you Dean, and I know that you left your heart in that room.”

“Oh. So that’s where you left it.” Castiel said spitefully, searching Dean’s face for a reaction.

“What the hell does that mean? Dean, what did you do?” Sam asked, still angry at how emotionally repressed everyone could be.

“Yea, I’m the one that messed up, but why aren’t you pointing your accusing finger at Cas, huh?” Dean asked, his tone dark and angry, far too much like John Winchester’s for Sam to be comfortable. “I did leave my heart here when I left, I had to because that’s the job. But it just followed right after me didn’t it? Because I didn’t leave it in that room, I gave it to Cas. Thing is, I didn’t directly do anything. I did what I had to. I did my job.”

“Dean, why the fuck are you quoting dad?” Sam asked in disbelief.

“Because he’s right, Sam!” Dean burst out. “I can’t have anything to care about while I’m doing a job like that. You don’t know me anymore, because you don’t even know what I’ve done. The things that I’m capable of, even worse than what I did to Alastair. I’m not all here. I wanted to be back so fucking badly, you have no idea. I can’t take back what happened.”

“Dean, even after ‘Hell’ I still know who you are. You’re my big brother and you need to let what happened, out. Otherwise, it’s just gonna eat away at you until you do something stupid again.” Sam replied a little more calmed but still forceful.

Cas stepped forward in front of Dean, turning to face Sam.

“He can’t tell you what happened. There are things that are better left alone.” Castiel said softly, turning to look at Dean, reaching up to touch Dean’s chin to make him look up. Dean’s hand caught his arm before Castiel could actually touch Dean, Dean wouldn’t look up. He stepped aside from Castiel and left quietly. Deathly quiet.

Castiel couldn’t stand for this. He’d let his emotions get the better of him even after Dean had practically bared his soul to him and apologized. Cas ran after Dean.

“Dean, I’m sorry!” Castiel yelled after Dean who was currently waiting for the elevator.

Dean didn’t even turn around.

Castiel ran to catch up with him, Dean as quiet as a ghost, just as he had been after the last fight.

“Dean, I’m sorry.” Castiel tried again, hoping to at least get Dean to blink away from the elevator but he just stood there completely ignoring Cas. “Dean, I shouldn’t have said anything. I just got upset remembering what had happened, I couldn’t hide it. I lost my brother that day too you know. I have to tell Gabriel before the news informs my family about him being found in that warehouse. Fuck, Dean, I need you to talk to me.”

Dean looked in Castiel’s general vicinity, though he wouldn’t look him directly in the eye.

“I’m sorry about Michael. I fucked up. I fucked up really badly and I can’t take it back, believe me Cas, if I could then I’d do it in a heartbeat. They had you pinned, I couldn’t lose you. I was supposed to be watching Mike’s back and I couldn’t since I was distracted. God, I was so stupid!” Dean was somewhere between yelling and whispering, his face breaking as his lips shivered to stay strong. “Everyone’s dead and Crowley got away. I have to live with that forever because I’m the one that didn’t stick to the plan. I saw Michael get shot right in the fucking head and I was useless to do anything about it! Everyone’s dead and it’s my fault.”

“I’m the idiot that got trapped, you were saving me. It’s my fault not yours.” Castiel tried.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare!” Dean full out yelled as he backed Castiel against the wall next to the elevator, Sam and Gabriel running out of the apartment just as Dean started banging the wall next to Castiel’s ear.

“Dean! Stop!” Sam’s voice barely cut through the fog of memories and tears in Dean’s head.

Dean was almost tempted to wrap himself in Castiel to apologize, to hold him close since he sucked so badly at vocal communication. His words were tangled with each other, meaning different things all relating to the brutal deaths and mangled bodies of his fallen comrades.

Instead, Dean stepped aside, letting Castiel’s confused and startled face pass next to his own.

“Dean, I’m sorry.” Castiel tried again, almost lifting his arm up to touch Dean’s face but remembering himself and stepping aside.

“None of this is your fault, Cas.” Dean whispered quietly, just loud enough for the four of them to hear. “I made a decision that got everyone killed. I should’ve planned differently, I should have called it off or just never have called it on in the first place. Nothing that happened is on you. The blood of dozens of my friends is on me.”

Sam was tempted to ask what had happened, but right now he knew that wasn’t the best thing.

“We should go back home, I think Dean needs to lie down someplace away from everything.” Sam said as the elevator finally opened.

Cas and Gabriel only nodded, both seeing Dean numb and knowing that Sam would probably be the only one he would never bring himself to hurt at least in his current state.

~

After Sam and Dean had gone, Gabriel was left with a very pensive Castiel.

“Yo Cassie? I’m not one for talking much but what happened with Dean?” Gabriel asked cautious and gently, just like Sam had taught him.

“When I first met up with Dean, things seemed fine.” Castiel started, not willing to disclose how well he’d thought things were going to be after that first and only time. It seemed so long ago.

“But soon after, Dean was becoming more closed off, he wouldn’t talk to me and when he did it was for orders or yelling at me pointlessly.” He continued. “He told me that he’d slept with other people during out time apart and he was always so cold, so dead inside that I felt like I was slowly dying.”

“Wow, dick.” It slipped out, Gabriel and Sam hadn’t really worked on his cursing outbursts.

Castiel sighed. “It was ruse. Crowley had found out that Dean and I had a sort of relationship and he set out to destroy it. Dean never actually slept with anyone else, but he had kissed a few, he’d admitted to that himself. I don’t even think he knows but I’m pretty sure his bad mood was pent up sexual frustration.”

Gabriel chanced a laugh at that. “Now isn’t that just like a man?”

Castiel smiled back briefly before continuing. “A week or so before we finished everything, Dean apologized for his behavior and told me he still cared about me but now he had other people to worry about too. I took it as a good sign, things could get sorted once we came back and found a sense of familiarity, but then when attacking Crowley’s last hide-out spot, Dean had to make a decision of whether to stick to the carefully planned out strategy, or help me get away, to save me.”

Castiel took a breath and Gabriel let him.

“He chose me. He’d been watching a key-player’s back, the one that was supposed to help take out the snipers from down on the ground, and when he turned around to shoot off a man that had hurled my head against a tree, another shot was fired and it killed the other man. I woke up a few miles away from where we’d been fighting, it was a few hours after the fight but I didn’t know and I went back.” Castiel explained shakily, he was almost crying and Gabriel wasn’t sure what to do. “Everyone was dead. No survivors. Both sides lost everyone, I thought Dean was dead to and I had to search through dozens of corpses to confirm that none of them were him. Then I saw him sitting on the top of the building and ran up the stairs to see him.”

Gabriel was listening intently, scrunching closer to Castiel when Cas looked up as if to stop a tear from falling.

“He was dead.” Castiel said so quietly, so afraid that it was true, that Gabriel’s eyes actually widened. 

“He’s alive, he was just here.” Gabe tried to assure him.

“I was terrified.” Castiel continued as though Gabriel hadn’t said anything. “He was covered in blood. Head to foot, he was drenched in blood, his hands as steady as ever. He didn’t turn to look at me, I know he heard me though, he just didn’t care. There were bodies sprawled along the roof, he’d torn them apart, ripped them to shreds. Next to him, I saw the head of a woman with whom he’d been friends with, her name was Demi. The rest of her body was to his left, she still had all of her limbs attached unlike the others but there was a sliced cut in her stomach where her insides looked as though they’d been taken out and then shoved back in. He was still dripping blood everywhere when he finally turned to look at me, his eyes were so shaded with hate they didn’t even look green. He called her a lying whore then threw her body over the side of the building. I don’t know what happened, but he picked up her head and he held it between his hands so hard I think he was going to smash it in but he bashed her face against the floor for a long time instead. He finally stopped, picking it up by the hair and he threw it over a different side of the warehouse.”

“Oh my God.” Gabriel was left speechless, completely and utterly shocked at what Castiel had just told him. He didn’t even know how to begin processing this and he hadn’t been witness like Cas had been.

“Gabriel, there’s something else…” Castiel said after a few moments of silence.

“What more could he have possibly done?” Gabriel was furious and the fire of their brothers was in his eyes.

“Dean saved me. He chose me over the lives of his comrades and friends. We were losing when I blacked out, there was hardly any hope of any of us surviving. I don’t know exactly what happened with the woman’s body, but Dean would never have done that if she hadn’t taunted him, that I know for a fact.” Castiel was trying to stand up for Dean, even though he knew the picture that had been painted.

“Cassie, you can’t forgive him because you owe him your life.” Gabriel replied as though Castiel was a small child that needed to be taught a lesson.

“I don’t care what you think of him. I’m sure he doesn’t either. Gabriel, you need to know that Michael was there and he’s dead now. He’s dead because of me. He’s dead because instead of watching his own back, he let Dean do it for him and the split second that it took for Dean to kill my assailants was the split second that it took for a gun to shoot him in the head.” Castiel’s guilt flooded over him, he was sure that if he hadn’t been sitting, he would have crashed to the floor.

Gabriel’s fire died, his eyes searching for somewhere to hide from the cruel realities of the world they lived in. He was done hearing Castiel and he left to his room in a daze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I can't leave Dean alone, I keep putting him through hell and believe me, I hate myself for it.


	22. Reuniting as a Group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam invites Castiel and Gabriel to visit with him and Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY about the super late update and there's no excuse but my reason is that I have to pick up the slack in school or I'm gonna fail but seriously this thing has been on my mind I swear.

A few weeks past and Sam refrained from asking Dean any questions about what happened while he was away. Dean seemed to be in mourning at times, desperately trying to drink himself into oblivion, but other times he seemed fine, going out to a job at Autozone where they’d decided to hire him for his expertise. 

Dean rarely said anything more than what was asked of him, the few times he said anything were when he got carried away in a conversation about his Baby with a customer. Sam didn’t see these moments, only one time when he decided to take Dean out to lunch only to find him drinking a soda with an old man that used to have the same make and model.

Castiel tried calling a few times and Dean would answer the phone politely, the same way he talked to others. Sam was shocked not to hear from Gabriel, especially because he was used to always hanging out and doing exercises together for over a year.

One day, Sam just couldn’t take the silence in the large house that Dean had bought them. Dean was cleaning, his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder seeming to have gotten worse while he was away. 

“So can I ask what happened?” Sam tried carefully. He was bored out of his mind with the latest assignment that they’d given him at the firm and the quiet brushing of Dean’s cleaning the floor was making him go insane.

“What happened?” Dean asked, focused more on his scrubbing.

“Yea, with Dad.” Sam clarified.

Dean paused, his shoulders drooping slightly before he got back to scrubbing.

“What do you want to know?” The same question Dean always asked when there was a conversation.

“Well I guess I could start with: did you finish the job?” Sammy tried cautiously.

Dean kept scrubbing but he was no longer concerned about what he was doing. 

“I finished it enough to come home.” Dean replied.

“Yea and that’s great, but where’s dad? Is he still doing something over there or did you tear it all down?” Sam tried again.

“Dad’s dead.” Dean stood up and walked away, but Sam wasn’t going to let him off the hook.

“What?! When exactly did you plan on telling me this?” Sam asked furiously. 

Their relationship with their father was never the best and it had always nipped at Sam how John had raised them but he couldn’t hate his own father. To hear this news so coldly, weeks after it happened, enraged Sam.

“When you asked.” Dean replied easily.

“I have a right to know! You can’t keep this from me!” Sam was fuming.

“Doesn’t make him any less dead.” Dean’s tone was even, but Sam knew that there was something else.

“What aren’t you telling me? How did he die?” Sam asked, yanking the brush out of Dean’s hand and throwing it on the ground.

Dean looked up at him with tired eyes. That same look he always had right before he decided to drown himself in alcohol.

“He died saving me, okay? A lot of people died. Everyone under my care did.” Dean replied, swallowing a lump in his throat.

“What happened? What happened _exactly_?” Sam asked sternly.

Dean shook his head and walked over to one of the dining room chairs to sit down. All fight was gone from him, it almost made Sam want to wait for another time. The thing was, there would never be the right time for this conversation so they might as well get it done and over with now.

“The last fight, after we crashed all of the drug dealers and fight-clubs and the whole goddamned kingdom of evil crap, was when it all went to hell.” Dean started. “Cas’ brother Michael was there, supposed to help us and he was a good man whose back I was supposed to be watching. I couldn’t help looking around to see how my other guys were doing though and I saw Cas pinned by some big guy that had managed to start punching his brains in.”

Dean’s voice was cracking but there was anger on his face. “I grabbed my sniper and I blew that fucker’s brains out, but I was too distracted to notice one of the enemy shooters pointing his gun at Michael and he got shot right in front of me. I killed the sniper and I ran to Cas, he was bleeding pretty bad. The other guys started asking what I was doing and I don’t even know what happened but the next thing I know I’m half a mile away carrying Cas to safety.”

“But if you saved Cas, why was he so mad at you when you got back?” Sam asked confused.

“I had to pretend to sleep around so that Crowley wouldn’t suspect anything.” Dean replied shaking his head.

“Well what happened after you saved him?” Sam asked, he knew that there would be a better time to ask about Dean’s messed up relationship with the blue-eyed man.

“Well I cleaned him up a bit and I went back. I couldn’t just leave my men there to die.” Dean sighed. “Apparently dad had a back-up plan in case I fucked up. By the time I was back with the others, dad had arrived with a group of his old Marine buddies and they were cleaning everything up. Most of my men were already killed because we’d been outnumbered and Crowley had left the building. I saw no point in going in until somebody started shooting the rest of us down one by one. Eventually they were all dead and only me and dad were left because we’d managed to find cover in time. I was seeing red. It was everywhere. The blood of all of those people is on my hands. Some of them were actually pretty decent. I stood up and I ran for the inside of the building with the gun dad passed over to me, there was some shooting behind me and then there was silence. Dad had run up to cover me and about four of the bullets had made it into him.”

There was a pause, like Dean was giving Sam time to process or just giving himself a moment of peace. Either way they both needed it and it wasn’t until Sam nodded his head at Dean that he continued.

“I was mad. I was so mad that it scared me. I ran through the building killing anybody there was left to find until I made it to the top and I saw one of the girls I had thought was my friend.” Dean was obviously still pissed about what had happened and his face turned dark. “There were people up there, still alive but badly hurt. I wanted to scare her. I lost control and I tore them up, cutting them into pieces with the machete I had brought. When I got some of my senses back, I thought she was gone but she was staring at me with a wild look on her face, like I was something that had crawled out of the deepest depths of hell itself. I actually consider that I was at that moment. She started backing up and trying to tell me that she’d had a tryst with Michael a while ago and that she was pregnant. She was a fucking lesbian and I didn’t believe her.”

“Wait,” Sam interrupted. “So you didn’t sleep with her?”

“No Sam. I didn’t sleep with her.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“Okay continue.” Sam said with a small nod.

“Well I told her she was a fucking liar and she told me that she was bisexual but hadn’t wanted to disappoint me and I killed her.” Dean said simply. “I still had the machete and I chopped her head clean off of her body. I checked to see if she was pregnant, I opened her up and I pulled out her insides and sure enough there was nothing in her baby-carrier. I shoved all her parts back in and threw her off the edge of the building. That’s when Cas found me. Everything that happened is still a blur, I probably missed some gore-y details but I was covered in blood and guilt. I still have the last thing dad ever said to me ringing in my ear and I can’t handle it. You want to know anything else? Ask Cas, because I’ve told you what I remember.”

“What was the last thing dad said to you?” Sam asked confused.

“That’s for another time, right now I need a drink.” Dean got off the chair, grabbed a beer and went up to his room.

~

Another week passed and Sam took some time off of work after informing his bosses of his father’s death. The first thing he did was drive over to see Cas and Gabriel at their apartment. It had been a frightening silence not hearing from Gabriel after being so used to having him always stop by unexpectedly for about a year. 

“Hello Sam, please come in.” Castiel said politely when he answered the door.

“Thanks. Is Gabriel home?” Sam asked curiously once he’d entered.

“I’m afraid he went out with a friend of his.” Castiel replied motioning for Sam to sit down.

“Oh, well okay… So how’ve you been? You haven’t really come by the house since you guys got back.” Sam said conversationally.

“Yes, well there have been things to do and Gabriel is not really in the mood for long drives. I would stop by except I feel as though I should be helping out more and I’m looking for a job right now.” Castiel answered.

“Well I’d love for you guys to come over. The house has been pretty quiet even with Dean around. Starting a conversation with him is worse than talking to a phone app. He just answers questions without a witty reply.” Sam said with a sigh.

“Yes, well, things aren’t really easy for him right now. They aren’t easy for anyone.” Castiel said sadly.

 

“Oh my- I’m so sorry. You and Gabriel, you lost your brother. You guys need time to grieve and here I am coming with problems of being bored. I’m so sorry, Cas.” Sam replied apologetically.

“Sam, we are all in mourning, but I also know that we have to move on and find a sense of normality. Silence is something that you don’t need right now, you need to accept what happened and move on. You need friends to talk to and because we are all in mourning, perhaps the best we can do is hold on to this friendship.” Castiel explained.

“Yea, maybe you’re right. I actually came by here to see if you Gabe would like to stay at the house for a while, just ‘cause I’m taking a week off of work and you can look for a job online there too. Gabriel probably needs some time away from the bakery also. I know how difficult it can be to smile when you just aren’t feeling it so, if you could just pass the idea along to him?” Sam asked.

“Of course, it will be pleasant to spend some quality time with you and Dean. Gabriel has been acting… well, he’s not himself. I’m sure some time as a group will help cheer him up.” Castiel replied with a small nod.

“Great, well, I’ve gotta go buy Dean some special spray from a store he likes around here. He asked me to pick it up when he heard I’d be in the area. It was good talking to you in person again and if you and Gabriel have made your minds up by the end of the day we could drive over tomorrow together.” Sam offered with a smile.

“I expect Gabriel will be back home in an hour or so if you would like to stay here overnight to save on a motel. Gabriel told me you slept here often while Dean and I were away.” Castiel offered back.

“Yea, sure. Thanks.” Sam said awkwardly with a small smile and a nod as he turned around to leave.

~

“Hey there big boy! I knew you couldn’t stay away.” Gabriel said when he walked through the door to find Sam comfortably on the couch.

“Yea.” Sam scoffed with a smile and a shake of his head. “I actually came by to see if you wanted to take a few days off work and come back to my place with me.”

“Woah, that’s a bit fast! I don’t even know if I want you back yet.” Gabriel teased.

“That’s okay, I invited Cas to come along with so it won’t be awkward.” Sam played back.

“Nice way to make me jealous: seduce my brother.” Gabriel joked back with a roll of his eyes.

“So you wanna visit? It’s a bit of a surprise but I know you don’t appreciate planning ahead.” Sam said lightly.

“Actually, I would love to come by. Where’re you staying tonight, sailor?” Gabriel replied back with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

“Well, I’m staying here tonight. Cas invited me to stay.” Sam answered with a small laugh.

“Good, ‘cause my bed has been cold lately. Any ideas as to how to make it nice and hot?” Gabriel asked seductively.

“Well you could always try warmer blankets, I’m crashing on the couch.” Sam said easily with a smirk.

“Always a tease.” Gabriel sighed and shook his head as he sat down next to Sam and kicked his feet on the table.

~

“Dean, I’m home!” Sam called as they entered the house.

“Wow, this place is spotless! If I were a better person, I’d be afraid to touch anything.” Gabriel commented as he looked around.

“I forgot to mention that Dean’s OCD got kicked up a few notches since he got back.” Sam said shyly.

“Yes, I remember him being extremely tidy, even more so than usual. Except when it came to killing but I’m actually quite certain that that’s why his cleaning habits have been even more exaggerated than before.” Castiel observed while he cleaned his shoes on the welcome mat that was cleaner than it probably should be.

“Dean?” Sam called out again. “Huh. He must be out or something. Want anything to drink?”

Gabriel asked for a fruit smoothie with extra-sugar. “Yes, I’m ruining my diet but I’m still keeping half-healthy.”

And Castiel declined anything complicated and served himself some water.

An hour later, they were talking and laughing on the couch when they heard Dean come down the stairs.

“Hey Dean, I called and you didn’t answer. What the hell?” Sam asked confused.

“You didn’t call.” Dean replied before heading into the kitchen.

“Where are you going?! Excuse me for a second.” Sam got up. “What do you mean I didn’t call?”

“I just got home fifteen minutes ago. You didn’t call.” Dean replied as he took some steaks out of the fridge.

“Oh, I didn’t hear you come in. Where did you go?” Sam asked, temper settled down.

“I was at work.” Dean answered, still busying himself in the kitchen as he grabbed some salt and spices and worked on the meat.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked, knowing that Dean wasn’t in a talking mood. Not that he ever was anymore.  
“I thought you guys might be hungry and it’s almost six so if I start on these now they’ll be ready on time.” Dean replied, still working.

“Dean, stop. On time for what?” Sam asked getting frustrated again.

“On time for dinner.” Dean said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Are we on a schedule?” Sam asked confused.

Dean sighed. “Every night since I got back we’ve had dinner at six in the evening, dinner time.”

“I can’t believe I just got that now.” Sam sighed to himself. “Alright well we have company so make yourself one and sit down with us even if you weren’t planning to.”

Dean just nodded and checked the pan’s temperature.

With another sigh, Sam went back into the living room with Gabe and Cas.

“He’s cooking dinner.” He explained curtly, then added. “Steaks.”

“So what has Dean been doing lately?” Gabriel asked curiously.

“He’s mostly been working. He gets up, makes breakfast, prepares us lunches except when I tell him I’ll be going out to eat, goes to work, comes back, cleans for a few hours until he makes dinner, then he cleans some more and then falls asleep watching a movie in his room.” Sam answered a little sadly.

“He hasn’t been talking much then?” Castiel asked worriedly.

“Yea he’ll talk but only to answer stuff. He doesn’t really say more than I guess what he seems is necessary. Just a few days ago I got him to tell me what happened but I think it just is on replay in his mind, he doesn’t even really remember going psycho like what you told me yesterday. I’ve never seen him like this. He used to just laugh it off or just screw it into some chick but he doesn’t do any of that. Sometimes he’ll come home with a bottle and down the whole thing and he’s constantly drinking beer while he works but he’s just different now.” Sam breathed out depressed.

“So Dean isn’t screwing his problems into women? How about men? I think letting some of it out might help. Maybe a nice roll in the sack might be exactly what he needs. I’m gonna have to offer my services for the good of his psyche.” Gabriel said to lighten the mood.

Sam let out a laugh with a bright smile. “So you’re just gonna bang my brother? Nice to know you bounce back fast.”

“You started the jealousy thing, I’m just keeping it in the families.” Gabriel said back playfully.

~

After a while of watching Sam and Gabriel tease and flirt with each other comfortably, Castiel got up to see how Dean was doing in the kitchen.

He was a little stunned to find that Dean was over the sink with his fingers running through his hair before he washed them. Dean was wearing a white apron around his waist that shouldn’t have looked good, or looked so clean, but he did and it was.

“Are you alright Dean?” Castiel asked openly, trying to coax Dean into being just as open.

Dean seemed to pause, his head staying focused on the direction of the stove while he muttered a “fine.”

“Dean? Talk to me please.” Castiel tried again.

Dean shook his head and Castiel could see him tightly closing his eyes just before Dean turned his head again.

“I need space in the kitchen, stand at the door.” Dean said roughly.

Castiel obliged, not wanting to cause an argument knowing that cooking space wasn’t the problem so there was no need for a pointless argument.

“You don’t want any help?” Castiel asked.

He heard Dean sigh. “No.”

“Dean, please, don’t shut me out.” Castiel said.

“DAMMIT!” Dean shouted. “I’m busy, please just get out.”

The defeated slump of Dean’s shoulders nearly broke Castiel’s heart, but he was going to get Dean to talk if it was the last thing he did.

“Dean, look at me.” He said forcefully.

Dean just shook his head and walked over to the fridge to take something out.

“Dean. LOOK AT ME!” Castiel was getting desperate but Dean still wouldn’t look at him.

He walked up to Dean to grab his face but Dean closed his eyes and grabbed Cas’ arms before they could reach him. They stood there for a few moments, Castiel waiting to see the green eyes he’d missed so much, but they never opened. Dean ran his thumb over Cas’ pulse and Castiel could see him scrunching his face tighter as if his resolve was breaking. The moment ended when Dean shoved Castiel’s hands aside and turned him around to shove him out of the kitchen.

Castiel gave up for now.

~

After an awkward dinner of Dean forcing himself to stare at his plate while the other’s tried to carry a conversation, Dean picked up the plates and took them into the kitchen to wash them. Castiel followed shortly after excusing himself to Gabriel and Sam.

“Dean?” Castiel asked, trying to keep the frustration out of his tone.

“I’m busy.” Dean replied gruffly.

“I can help.” Castiel offered.

“I don’t want any.” Dean said a little harshly.

Castiel’s patience was wearing thin but he wasn’t going to yell at Dean. Dean was hurting and he didn’t need Castiel to pile his doubts and worries onto him.

“What happened wasn’t your fault. I know you blame yourself but you can’t do that, you have to move on.” Castiel tried.

Dean just scoffed and shook his head, starting to rinse the remaining food off of the dishes before stacking them in a pile to wash them individually.

“Dean, please say something to me.” Castiel tried again. “Or do you blame me?”

A rush of terror passed through Castiel’s body, it turned so cold he thought he’d die of hypothermia. 

“How-?” Dean’s voice cracked slightly. “How could you think that?”

“I don’t know what to think. You won’t talk to me. You won’t even look at me.” Castiel answered back, some hurt seeping into his words.

“I can’t.” Dean whispered softly.

“Why not?” Castiel asked curiously.

“I don’t know what I’ll do.” Dean’s voice was obviously trying to get back to normal but the pain in it was still coming out.

“Look at me.” Castiel tried again.

“No.” There was a determination Castiel thought he might be able to beat.

“Look at me!” Castiel tried again louder.

“No.” Dean’s voice was leveled again.

“DEAN!” Castiel couldn’t help but let that name come out as a scream. The man infuriated him.

“Anything else.” Dean’s voice was even but Castiel could still tell that he was struggling.

“Say my name.” He wasn’t going to give up and he wasn’t going to make this easy for Dean.

“What?” There was something shocked and confused in his tone.

“You haven’t said it. I want you to call me by my name.” Castiel clarified, keeping his foot down.

“Castiel.” Dean said easily.

“What do you call me?” Castiel was going to push Dean until he looked at him even if it were just confusion.

“Cas. I call you Cas.” Dean’s voice softened, but Castiel wasn’t done.

“No. What do you call me when we are together? Just the two of us alone.” Castiel pushed.

“I’ve called you lots of things.” Dean answered with a forced roughness in his tone.

“What was the first thing you ever called me? Remember that time, now so far away, when I found you being torn away at by Alastair. WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?” Castiel asked raising his tone slightly.

“Why do you-” Dean started.

“This is what I want. You said ‘anything else’ and this is anything else. What do you call me in your sweet moments when it’s the two of us alone and you stare at me like I’m the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen? Those times when everything I see in you I can tell in just one look is exactly what you see in me.” Castiel stared at Dean harder hoping to break through the icy wall that Dean had built around himself.

Dean didn’t say anything for a few moments that felt like forever. The world was still and there was nothing but this. Nothing but them and Castiel waiting for blue eyes to meet green again. 

Dean sighed. There was something defeated in it but also something of a relief, like he’d been holding his breath. His head turned to look at Cas and he gave Castiel one of those soft looks he always had just before:

“You’re my angel. You’re the most amazing, beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and I can’t believe how girly this is, but fuck it.” 

Dean rushed to Castiel and stared at him as he grabbed his head delicately between his hands, running his thumb over Castiel’s cheek and bringing it down to pull softly against his lower lip while the other hand waded its way through Castiel’s dark hair until it cupped around the back and pushed Castiel’s head forward to meet Dean’s. 

As their heads touched, Dean couldn’t help staring into Castiel’s sapphire eyes. Finally, Castiel couldn’t stand how close, yet how distant they were. He grabbed Dean around the waist and pulled him close until their bodies were touching almost completely. Dean took the opportunity to reacquaint his lips with Cas’ in a soft but passionate kiss. 

Meanwhile, Sam and Gabriel had come into the kitchen earlier to see Castiel try and fail at coaxing Dean until he didn’t and were now watching as their brother’s made-out.

Sam hadn’t actually wanted to stay, instead give them their privacy, but when Gabriel whispered at him to stay and then Dean opened his eyes and confessed without even noticing them… all objections were lost to Sammy.

It was kind of fascinating to watch the scene play out, he still felt weird watching his brother get passionate with someone but he couldn’t quite turn away at the rare occurrence of emotion that his Dean was displaying. 

There was something hungry in the kiss and soon it got desperate. Dean seemed to be shoving his tongue into Castiel’s mouth as they fought for dominance. They started opening each other’s shirts but not taking them off so Gabriel grabbed him and pulled him back to watch just as Sam was about to tuck tail and run.

Another thing Sammy noticed was how easily they moved together without it looking planned. They simply fit into each other. They weren’t opening their shirts to get sexual, otherwise they would have opened their zippers too or at least started rubbing at each other. It was as if they were trying to get as close as possible to becoming one person, and for a moment, Sam actually thought Dean just might open his chest and swallow Cas into the hole he felt there.

They stopped kissing for a few moments, instead grabbing onto each other under their shirts and holding tight, their faces dug into the other’s neck.

There was something incredibly desperate and need-y in the embrace. Sam almost thought Dean was going to start sobbing the way his face scrunched so tightly, and Gabriel noticed the same thing about Castiel, but at the same time, they both sighed and their faces calmed like the weight of the world had been lifted from their shoulders.

Dean gave Cas’ neck a small kiss and a playful nibble before pulling back. It was almost sickening how they looked at each other, honestly they looked like a pair of newlyweds the way their faces were so open with the feelings of love they shared. Sam almost felt inclined to kill them both now that they were both happy, especially since he knew their track record and that something would inevitably make them miserable again.

Gabriel was probably thinking something else because he started clapping and wolf-whistling at them. 

Okay, so he wasn’t a romantic, he was just in it for the free show.

Sam barely registered that he’d been staring at them like a creep and that now, thanks to Gabriel (you asshole), he’d been discovered.

“Uh… Hey guys…” Sam was as awkward as if he’d been the one making out with somebody and calling them nice things and practically confessing his love for that person.

Sam remembers loving Jess. She was beautiful and smart and she had a future that she wanted to spend with him ahead of her. They were a quiet couple, maybe not what love stories are made of, but they were his love story and if he could have died for her, he would’ve. They had differences like everybody, but Sam had always thought nobody else could fit with anybody else so perfectly.

That is until he saw his brother, whose been affected by PTSD and OCD his entire life without seeing a psychiatrist despite Sam’s recommendations, kiss another man with a mountain of problems himself though not as bad and surprisingly well-put-together. 

Sam had loved Jessica, he wouldn’t have planned to marry her if he hadn’t, but Dean and Cas needed each other. He didn’t need Jessica or he wouldn’t have been able to move onto Madison a while after her death. Dean was Castiel’s world, his everything, and without him, Castiel moved through life like a drone. Castiel to Dean was like oxygen, without him he would die, if only internally.

Sammy was pretty sure that if you killed one, you’d kill the other. Two unlikely characters in the world that fit together in the most perfect way in the most accurate sense of the word. Jess had died and Sam, despite being torn up and falling off the rails for a bit, had survived. The weird thing is, Sam couldn’t see that happening with Cas and Dean. They brought each other life.

“Yes, I know that.” Castiel deep voice interrupted Sam’s train of thought.

“And I thought you were Mr. Clean but here you are feeling up my brother in the kitchen where the food is kept.” Gabriel directed towards Dean.

“Look I wasn’t feeling him up and there’s no food out and THIS IS MY HOUSE SO WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Dean was losing his temper and his face was red. 

“Dean, calm down.” Sam tried calmly as he spread his arms in front of himself as a sign of peace.

“Don’t tell me to calm down, it doesn’t help!” Dean answered back angrily. “What are you two jerks doing watching us anyhow? You creeps.”

“I just find it amazing that-” Gabriel started with a smirk.

“Gabriel, shut up for a moment.” Sam interjected. “Dean, listen. We weren’t watching you to be creepy… Okay well I wasn’t anyways… but this is the most open you’ve been about your feelings for a while now and it’s just nice to see them come out sometimes.”

Dean sighed exasperated as he rolled his eyes and shook his head while marching the hell out of the kitchen.

A few beats passed where they all considered what to do but when Sam turned around to see Cas, he was glaring at them.

“Gabriel, I have come to terms that you will never be a good person but I at least thought that you would care enough about me to stay out of my relationship with Dean.” Castiel said frighteningly serious with all his rage pointed at Gabe. “He is as emotionally-repressed as they come and you can’t come and make fun of his feelings when he shows them. If you will please remember to shut the hell up every now and then, we would all be extremely grateful and you might even get Sam to sleep with you for once if he sees you can be a marginally acceptable person. Obviously your suckers and your obscene flirtations haven’t worked so try a different method.”

Gabriel obviously wasn’t going to let Castiel talk to him like that but before he could say more than “Oh Cassy,” Cas had already pushed past him to chase Dean up to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm pretty confident about how this chapter went and I just want you guys to leave a comment below please? It would make me feel better... :D Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed it and I'll update as soon as I can. I might have a free Sunday coming up so here's hoping!


	23. Dean and Cas for Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this thing needed an ending and so here it is, I know it's a bit rushed but they need something.

Castiel opened the door to find Dean sitting on his bed.

“Are you okay?” He asked carefully.

“Yea, I’m okay.” Dean let out a chuckle. “I’ve just been really out of my head, I guess I just lost it.”

“With good reason.” Castiel reassured him. “My brother can be unforgiveable sometimes.”

“Yea, no offence but it’s most of the time.” Dean smiled at him.

Castiel just smiled at him back, letting a silence set.

“I’ve been a dick lately.” Dean sighed. “I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that.”

“Communication has never been our strong suit.” Cas answered with a shrug.

“Yea well, I just feel like I’ve let everyone down.” Dean looked down self-depreciatingly.

Cas moved to sit on the bed next to him. “Only yourself.”

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean apologized, turning to look at Castiel, sitting so close to him.

Castiel reached over hesitantly to kiss him. “Is this… alright?”

Dean let out a small laugh. “Yea, Cas. This is more than alright.”

Cas kissed him softly, not wanting to startle Dean and Dean kissed back just as gently, their lips barely touching.

“I’m so sorry, Cas.” Dean told him again.

“Stop apologizing.” Castiel rolled his eyes.

Dean looked at him thoughtfully for a moment then stood up and opened a drawer to take something out.

“I love you, Cas.” Dean almost choked on the words as he knelt on one knee in front of him.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Castiel was completely taken by surprise.

“I think I’ve probably loved you since the moment I met you.” Dean continued.

“Dean-” Cas interrupted, but Dean held his hand up.

It was shaking and he let out a deep breathe, still trying to keep eye contact.

“Please, just… let me finish?” Dean asked nervously. “I’ve been thinking about this since we got back but these words… what I’m saying… I don’t know what I’m gonna say exactly but I think it’s about time that I told you.”

Castiel reached his hand out to smooth Dean’s hair with a smile of encouragement and nodded.

“Good, okay.” Dean said mostly to himself. “I love you, Cas. I love you so much it makes my chest hurt. We fight a lot but I think I love that too. No, I know that I love it. You challenge me and you put up with my bullshit up until you don’t and I love that. I love it because it’s part of what we have and who we are. I love showing you knew things and I love watching you get fascinated by them. I’m so…”

Dean took a moment to breathe again and Castiel waited patiently for him to be ready. It was a big step that Dean was taking and Cas didn’t even know how to react, he needed the moment just as much.

“I’m sorry I ruined everything.” Dean let out a sob but put on a brave face. “I get so angry sometimes, I just stop thinking and I should have just left everything as it was. I shouldn’t have chased after Alastair. Instead I should have been chasing you and learning everything about you and showing you all the good parts of life instead of dragging you down to the mud and the horrors in the world.”

“Dean, I went because you are all the good parts of my life.” Castiel tried to assure him but he could see that Dean wasn’t hearing it.

“I just- I can’t help it, Cas.” Dean sighed. “I feel responsible. I pulled you into that mess.”

“I was easily pulled.” Castiel tried to lighten the mood with a smile.

“I’m going to fix myself, and I mean it this time.” Dean stated firmly, looking deep into Castiel’s eyes as if he could burn the promise into his mind. “I won’t go looking for trouble and even if it tries to find me, I swear I’ll ignore it.”

“You were trying to keep Sam safe.” Castiel said exasperated. “You weren’t looking for trouble, you were protecting your family.”

“I like it.” Dean looked down guiltily. “I always had because it’s the one thing I’m good at. I don’t know when it got to be so much blood but I’m trying, I swear I’m trying to change.”

“Dean, you are so good at other things.” Castiel assured him. “You’re great with cars and children and you can do anything you set your mind to because you’re a genius. You have to stop thinking of yourself as something worthless.”

“Cas-” Dean was ready to just stop him but Castiel was having none of that.

“NO.” Castiel said firmly, crouching down closer to Dean. “I love you too, Dean. I won’t have you putting yourself down when you are the most important thing to me. You’re not perfect, but no one is. In my eyes though, you are about as close to perfect anyone could ever be.”

Dean looked at him in disbelief but Castiel could tell that he’d finally gotten through to him.

“I can’t live without you.” Dean whispered. “Not really at least. I can’t feel anything without you here.”

Castiel was shocked at the pure honesty with which Dean had said it. His eyes were pleading and looking deep into his soul.

“Promise never to leave me.” Dean asked cautiously, mentally preparing himself for rejection. “I want you with me, always. I don’t- I’m not great with words but I want you. I want all that you are and I want to grow old with you right next to me. I don’t care if we fight, in fact I encourage it. I want you to promise to be mine, and only mine, and I want you to accept my promise of being only yours in return.”

Dean’s shaking hands opened a small white leathered case to reveal a silver band with a gold middle.

“I love you, my angel.” Dean’s entire expression was raw hope and love. “I need you, Cas.”

“Dean I- I don’t know what…” Castiel was stunned into silence.

Just a few minutes ago, Dean couldn’t even look at him and now here he was on his knee, asking him to... marry him?

“I can’t say it any other way.” Dean shrugged. “I need you more than I can even begin to explain.”

“Are you asking me to marry you?” Castiel asked with wide eyes.

“If you want.” Dean answered nervously. “I’ve never believed in marriage and I just was planning on being official life partners but if you want to get married, then I’d do anything for you, Cas.”

“So you aren’t proposing marriage?” Castiel asked just to make sure.

“You huge dork.” Dean grinned at him. “This is whatever you want it to be.”

“You’d really marry me?” Castiel asked, squinting his eyes.

“No, this is all just an elaborate joke.” Dean rolled his eyes. “Of course I’ll marry you, you just have to say it’s what you want.”

“No.” Castiel replied.

Dean became nervous again and stood up. “Umm, could you- umm, could you clarify?”

“No I won’t marry you.” Castiel answered, still in his own head.

“Right, okay.” Dean felt his heart being thrown out his chest and he was just about ready to jump out the window.

“If you don’t believe in marriage, then there’s no point.” Castiel tried to clarify but it wasn’t coming out as he had wanted it to.

“Tax benefits?” Dean joked with a shaky smile.

“No, I mean.” Castiel rolled his eyes at himself. Words were not his friends right now.

“It’s okay.” Dean assured him, closing the little box and stuffing it back in the drawer. “You don’t have to explain, you already said no.”

“I mean I want to be your life partner but I refuse to make you compromise your own beliefs for it.” Castiel explained.

“So then it’s a yes?” Dean looked at him with wild, wide eyes and pulled the white box back out.

“Yes!” Castiel yelled, running to pull Dean in for a kiss.

It was far from gentle, but it was brief as Castiel pulled away.

“Show me the ring.” Castiel demanded.

“Oh, yea.” Dean opened the box again. “Here.”

He held it out to him.

“You want me to put it on myself?” Castiel asked blandly.

“Right…” Dean shook himself off and took the ring from its little pocket.

He slid it on Castiel’s left ring finger with a smirk.

“Where’d you get this? It’s beautiful.” Castiel asked, staring at it’s simple beauty.

“It was my mom’s.” Dean smiled. “I had it made bigger a couple years back so that I could wear it but I couldn’t go around killing people with it on and so I put it away. When we got back, it was just sitting there in the drawer and I thought about asking you and I thought it would need a proper case.”

“Dean.” Castiel smiled at him softly. “You gave me your mother’s ring.”

“This is it for me, Cas.” Dean shrugged. “I want this to be permanent.”

“We are.” Castiel assured him, pulling him in for a deep kiss.

“I’m gonna have to tell Sam.” Dean sighed.

“You’re gonna have to tell Gabriel.” Castiel smiled slyly at him.

“Nah, I’ll tell Sam and he’ll go blabbing about it like the big girl that he is.” Dean chuckled.

Castiel laughed along, it was good to see Dean happy. It felt like forever since he’d actually heard Dean laugh.

“Shall we?” Dean asked, holding his hand out for Cas to take.

Castiel slapped his hand against Dean’s and held tightly.

“We shall.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably write an epilogue later but this is the end for now. Sorry for the delay! Anyhow it's over and I hope you guys enjoyed it.


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